Day 173: Solitude 14

 

Fear Dimension of the Loner

 

Fear Dimension: Fear of being alone (continues from 171)

 

Now I come to a memory in which I have made a relationship of fear towards the situation of myself as being alone; it connects to the memory I was looking at Day 171, in connection to my acceptance of my father’s reaction of anger and definition of me as ‘bad’ in being angry towards my sisters, as a consequence of which I should go away and be alone. So in this much earlier memory, that comes up as if in answer to the question of ok, so, why was it that I was angry towards my sisters? a question that I ask myself in this context because I see and realize and understand that that this definition of me as bad that I have accepted and allowed contains this definition of me as angry as this reaction that I have accepted and allowed towards my sisters.

 

 

Here is a memory that came up recently in relation to the word, ‘stuck’:

 

I am about three years old and I am standing with my feet stuck down in the mud. My feet are sort of being sucked down, and my legs are too tired to pull my feet out. I am distressed about my situation. I see that I am being left behind. My two sisters have walked on ahead, they are pushing my brother along in a pushchair. I feel jealous of my brother. I would like to be the one that gets pushed around on wheels instead of having to walk.

 

As I write this memory I realise also that there is a memory of how I was once on a train station and I saw a poster advertising ‘start-rite’ shoes which showed an image of two small children walking through a wood, and the trees were overhanging the path in a big archway so that it looked like a dark tunnel. And this picture reminded me of the early memory and a creepy dark spooky feeling came up in me, as if I was remembering a nightmare. And there had been in fact many nightmares where my legs had become bogged down and stuck and I have been unable to escape from some pursuing fear. Then in later years when I saw this poster,it seemed quite creepy, as if the poster itself was creepy, but I realise now that this must have been an experience of fear, fear of being left behind connected to this being stuck in the mud with my feet, and not having enough strength in my legs to pull me out of it. It’s interesting to see how this original memory had become embroidered through time to represent to me a general fear, while the details as the contents of the picture remained unexamined. The surrounding trees in the wood became like an avenue as illustrated in a Grimm’s fairy tale, representing a world of fear and weirdness.

 

Touching the ground. A young mother lowers her weighty toddler to the ground, where he is to stand on his own legs, rather than to be carried. As she lets go of him, he goes into a reaction of anger and rage, and she likewise, into a reaction, of impatience and blame. This scene catches my attention as I walk along through the crowds. In choosing to notice this specific interaction amongst a zillion others, I realize that it is because I have gone into reaction also, like a sympathetic vibration. I am recognizing a relationship that still is active written into the systems of definitions of ‘who I am to this’, as thought, within myself.

 

It’s only through spoken knowledge and information that I came to know that I was prematurely induced as a baby, with yellow jaundice, given a total blood transfusion and then monitored within an incubator. If it was not for this early NHS technology I would probably have not survived. Though I have no conscious memory of any of this, in later years I came to see how mothers sometimes do not bond with incubated babies, and I came to believe in my mind that this was probably a perspective that would at least partly explain my experience in this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect responsibility for myself as physical as standing on the ground, to feelings of loss and regret as that which I did not get, in having a time space of nurturance and support and in being physically carried by my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the relationships of others in my family to me, through which I have seen myself as and thus experienced myself as lacking.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘care’ within support for myself to continue to dwell within the feeling body of my experience of myself as a world of imagination in which I am the star, and there is no consequence.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this experience that I longed for of being cared for and loved by my mother was an experience that I had imagined in my mind, and therefore what I was longing for was an experience of myself that I had made up in my imagination.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger that I could not get my total self-interest, self experience, feeling body experience, and for within and as this anger to have embodied a No towards my own self responsibility in retaliation and blame for a person with-holding that which I feel it is my right to have.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my legs and my body for not being strong enough to obey these images in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a panic of fear that ‘I am being left behind’ rather than to breathe and be here and to explore this situation of my boots being stuck into the mud.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as at ‘at fault’ according to the impatience of another being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t survive if I am left alone in the woods.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a reaction of anger towards my sisters because they have insisted on my self responsibility in walking myself out of the mud, and keeping up with them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my aloneness in terms of being ‘left behind’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with jealousy towards my brother because he gets to have a ride in the push-chair.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my experiences of energy as in anger and jealousy and fear of loss and fear of survival to this memory in my mind of this experience of myself standing on my own feet in the woods.

 

My commitment to myself in realization of my self responsibility is to stand with all here in support with and as and on the ground of the physical equality and oneness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that my commitment to my self responsibility has been defined also by all these energy connections that I have given to my experience that I have allowed towards responsibility for myself.

 

Therefore as I walk this point of self-support within my self commitment I forgive myself that I have given to ‘commitment’ a positive charge of energy in which I praise myself, or a negative charge in which I participate in self-disgust,

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I cannot live commitment if the word is charged with energy. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize and understand that I cannot let go of the mind if I am holding on to it in a commitment to myself to keep hold of an experience of myself as in clinging to positive feelings in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my experience of myself and my relationship to myself to be defined according to how much I am loved, cared for, or nurtured by my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my mother’s reactions to me personally by me defining who I am according to these reactions, and through spite come to live as a retaliation towards my own self responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stamp my foot upon the ground as representing everything within this world that I did not want.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build all of this into my experience of myself as ‘alone’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

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Day 172: Solitude 13

The personality of the ‘Loner’, continued.

 

Realizing that there is more to walk through in the Fear Dimension, and aspects that will become more clear as I continue through the dimensions of this personality, I will at this point start into the Imagination Dimension, and complete the Fear Dimension in posts to come.

 

The Imagination Dimension.

 

My Relationship to Words, and the foundations of the energetic environment that I had accepted as ‘who I am’ as my ‘inner world’, from which I accepted and allowed myself to develop from the negative experience of myself as the experience of me ‘rejected’ and alone to ‘solitude’ in which I had accepted and allowed myself to go into and as the energy of ‘hope’ towards imagination as a future where I could possibly make capital (= more energy) from out of my ‘hidden depths’(= the consequential mystery of my suppressions.)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a judgement and experience of myself as superiority within making a personalized special relationship to words, in which in my imagination I could twist and utilize words for any purpose that suited me to fabricate my own reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize words within my mind as expressions of a personality system as entertainments within and as themselves, in which accepting and allowing and participating in and supporting an energy system as me I have accepted and allowed myself as energy to seek out ways of using words as energy to create more energy so as to fulfill a requirement to experience myself as more energy as a positive experience of me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put positive values of energy experiences as myself in allowing and accepting me to be ‘moved’ by words and fragments of sentence in which the values that I have placed on them have been according to the consequence of the belief that these movements of energy within me were gut-level reminders that this ‘I’ that was the awareness and the experiencer, was ‘alive’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the life of me  according to the energetic experience of me, within which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the starting-point of separation as ‘who I am’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality towards words, a personality of superior sensitivity, from a starting-point of having special access to the inner contents of words.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that what is moving me is a system of energy values and relationships as me and with me and with my permission and support, aligning myself as energetic personality upgrades and refinements in which I had accepted and allowed myself in total separation from myself as the physical and as the breath to be instead as energy extending itself towards more energy by ‘feeling’ ‘my’ way as energy through words as encapsulated energy to enhance and to enlarge and to connect and specialize myself as a total energy experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me to out of a starting point of who I am as separation and as energy as life, to have made a relationship towards the backchat in my mind of this as a resource of me as who I am, rather than seeing and realizing and understanding that these backchats in my mind are guidelines and prompts that I have accepted and allowed as permission for personalities of energy to act for me, and instead of me, as words that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reactions to as energy, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to the systems of my mind to collect together starting-points of energy reactions in the form of words and sentences, as tried and tested and successful points of energy-return within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face in this journey to life, the extent to which I have been as consciousness and have not been life at all but only an idea of life simulated within my mind and programmed into as my physical flesh.

 

I commit myself to face myself in the relationship that I have accepted and allowed of me as personality towards words, in who I am within and as my words. I commit myself to deconstruct this personality that I have made towards words. I commit myself to face the words that I have lived as programs and systems of consciousness as personalities, and to realign the energy relationships that I have written into words.

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

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Day 171: Solitude 12

Image from Tarkovsky: Solaris

 

The ‘Loner’ personality, Fear Dimension continued.

 

Fear of Anger

In exploration of the fears beneath the rise of ‘solitude’ to prominence as the star of ‘who I am’ within my mind, I come to instances of ‘who I am’ towards myself in anger.

 

Continuing from a self-forgiveness statement in the previous post:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘bad’ and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘if I am bad, then I must hide myself away’…

 

‘If I am bad, then I must hide myself away’.

 

Writing this, a memory pops up. It is a record of an instance where I have exerted anger on a sister, by kicking her, and she has made loud noises about this, attracting the attention of my father, and he has then become really angry at me, and sent me to my room. ‘If I am angry at my sister, then I am bad, and I have to go away, and be alone in my room’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being alone as in being rejected from the family group, rather than seeing and realizing that in being alone I am simply with myself. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgements and the reactions of others, where I have accepted ‘who I am’ as ‘bad’ as angry with my sister, and as ‘bad’ in ‘causing’ anger in my father.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘who I am’ is the cause of feelings in others, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘who I am’ according to the feelings of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have sought through holding this belief that ‘I am the cause of feelings in others’, to find indications of who I am within myself in interactions with others, because I have refused to know who I am within myself through fear of facing who I have judged myself to be, and therefore seek to find out clues from others rather than to simply ask myself, rather than to put my trust in my projections. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an image of myself of who I am out of beliefs that I have accepted and allowed according to how I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others see me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have sought through holding this belief to judge who I am according to how I judge the quality of the attention I receive from others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I have been behaving in the exact same way towards myself as shown to me in the example of my father, where I have become angry towards myself in being ‘bad’, and in being ‘angry’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energy loop of reacting towards my reactions of anger with anger within an acceptance of myself as judgement and as bad, within which I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself or stand with me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality in the image of my father that I embody as a judgement of myself as bad in the relationship of who I am towards myself in anger.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I have been behaving in the exact same way towards myself as shown to me through the example of my father, where I have rejected myself and gone away within my mind, without stopping to breathe or investigate exactly what goes on within myself in how it is that I have come to this and what it is that I have accepted and allowed.

 

Therefore I commit myself to investigate in me this anger point that I had previously accepted and allowed myself to turn away from.

 

I commit myself to through this process of self forgiveness of myself in gifting me with the opportunity of realizing myself as who I am as life and as the physical to see and realize and understand exactly how it is that without self intimacy I am unable to see beyond the confines of my own mind and therefore unable to see, share in or to support the actual life and physical reality of me or those around me. I commit myself to realign this energy awareness as this consciousness that I have accepted and allowed as me, and through taking responsibility for this to walk out of it.

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

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4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

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Day 170: Solitude 11

 

 

Fear Dimension of the Loner: Fear of Rejection 

 

More fears coming into focus here in this thought image word combination as this wor(l)d of ‘solitude’ and the picture previously described, of me sitting on a sea wall.

 

Here is a dependent personality that waits in hope for a meeting with a girl to somehow be presented, (through some mystical sky agency) in which fear of rejection has been accepted as a ‘given’ (who I am); and within this, fear of facing self as not good enough (as partner ‘material’) in the eyes of ‘girls’, and the fear of facing me alone with my own self judgement. There is no actual fear of being alone, except as in actually facing me, alone. Physical aloneness in itself I have given a positive value of energy to as a ‘safe’ zone, in which I have learned how not to face myself, but to dwell within imagination and suppression; but it is as I become exposed within my interactions with others, and conscious of myself within my spoken expressions, that the ‘danger’ of facing me arises. Within my interactions there is a fear of not having enough time, a belief that attention is sort of valuable per second, so that my expressions tend to be served up quick as reactions from a starting point of fear of loss of attention, and do not seem to represent me. And then there is a subsequent regret and self judgement and exasperation at my own self sabotage.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to display myself as alone in solitude, imitating this quality of ‘seen from a distance’, as in and according to the thought picture, to draw attention towards myself as distinguished by this ‘solitude’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have chosen to align myself to an image of myself that is in my mind rather than to explore through self intimacy who I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give aloneness a positive value of energy in which I accept myself as judgement of the value of this aloneness, within judging positively my experience of being hidden and being ‘safe’ from my own fears of experiencing myself as my own negative judgement which I also accept myself to be when I judge myself for who I find myself to be when I expose myself in my expressions and my interactions with others.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in myself as judgement as a controlling system of my mind to manipulate myself within my own beliefs of the reality of my fears.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as superior to life through rewarding myself with a positive experience of energy as the arbiter of the value me as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as ‘rejected’, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined according to how I might possibly been seen or judged by another, as not good enough, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this to be blaming on another being my projection of my own rejection of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face and be responsible for, that I have accepted and allowed a judgement of myself as not good enough and that I fear to face myself as that, and that I rather avoid myself and my negative experiences by hiding from myself within my mind. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a hiding place, and therefore desire to have a mind, and therefore within all this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand for all the system of the world that is in spite of life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through projecting my own disdain of me to judge myself as unworthy of attention, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of inequality in which some are less worthy of attention than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge measure estimate how much or little attention I deserve according to the worthiness of me through the eyes of my own judgement. And I commit myself to see realize and understand that the only worthiness that is real, is life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of attention, and within this I forgive myself to fear the experience of my unworthiness that I have created for me in my acceptance of my ‘rightness’ within myself as judgement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might not make a connection through saying the ‘wrong’ thing, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desiring to make a connection, and within these things I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I seek connection because I have separated myself from me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in fear of loss of attention, to have believed that I must hurry up in time with my responses from a starting-point of fear of loss of the attention, within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go into reaction as energy rather than to just be here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear too much attention, and within this I forgive myself to fear the exposure of my self-dishonesty, and the realization that, then this that I am living as, is not real. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to realize that anyway, I am here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my worthiness in terms of being ‘not good enough’ within which I have accepted both a definition of me as ‘bad’ together with a measurement of how ‘good’ that I ‘should’ be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘bad’ and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘if I am bad, then I must hide myself away’. (Here a memory pops up that I will go into below or in a post to come.)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I cannot hide myself from me because I am also that which I am hiding from.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the obvious common sense of this, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be protecting the validity of my self judgements, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in this acting from a starting-point of fear of change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to rather live in self-rejection according to and within the principles of the mind, than to look directly onto common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have extended my fears into hope towards an existence in the safety zone of my imagination where I can continue to accept the validity of my judgements and also I can fabricate my own reality and a world that is only concerned with my experience of myself and my experience towards that.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an existence for all in which no one sees beyond the interests of their own minds.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have chosen to have not recognized myself in my own reactions, and to not have seen realized or understood that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my own reactions by rejecting myself and my own responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to memories of my reactions with regret, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to memories of my reactions with reactions of anger in which I try to forcefully exert the blame on this who I am that I see myself as being in this reaction, while at the same looking on my being as not what I have accepted and allowed but as ‘what already is’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am everything that I have accepted and allowed as me, as always my responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blame through accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unchangeable as this ‘what already is’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to memories of my reactions with reactions of self-contempt.

 

I commit myself to breathe and to slow myself down and to stop participating in thoughts and memories.

 

I commit myself to deconstruct these relationships to and as myself as personalities that I have founded on fear of who I am

 

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

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The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

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Day 169: Solitude 10

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to incorporate into me the judgement that I am insignificant and tiny and momentary when I compare myself towards existence and for not seing and realizing and understanding that I have used this judgement as who I am to justify my abdication from responsibility as who I am as life.

 

 

Instant Me. This point came up last post. It’s the ‘who I am’ towards relationship, and towards myself within relationship creation. The perspective of myself as an instant experience ‘here’ is like a point of total alienation, in which I have accepted and allowed myself as a voyeur or a tourist tuned-in as it were for a few moments of observation in a universe that was here before me and will be here after I’ve gone, with this universe as massive and soaring and vast and ancient and me within this as tiny and momentary and insignificant, and as a point of absolute non-responsibility. It is within this fundamental relationship of judgement of who I am in and separated from existence that all subsequent relationships have been aligned. Listen to the interviews, Enki, on the Dawn of Religion, Reptilians 68, and 69 on this. My interpretation of this is that this suggested panoramic self judgement was like the future container for a functional mind system in the physical existence.

 

How it is that I have been creating myself throughout this life as a network or as webs of relationships as systems of ‘who I am’ all based on this fundamental premise is only becoming clear to me in recent years as I explore myself and I explore the message that is finally being presented to humanity through the Desteni Material. The absolute contradiction of the Law of my Being is like the first law of human robotics.

 

“There is one Law that exists: Oneness and Equality. There is one Law that has always existed: Oneness and Equality – That which you are, who I am – you will experience within and without. The inner one and equal with the outer.”  Extract from ‘The Law of my Being, the Law of Me‘ by Sunette Spies

 

The Journey to Life blogs are being written by people who see and realize and understand that the answer to the question of How can we change Life on Earth so that it is best for all is within the question of How can we practically change humanity as ourselves as that which we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and to become.

 

Hence, this blog, in which I am walking through and deconstructing and realigning the constructs of relationships that I have accumulated in the history of this life as ‘personalities’ which stand as simulations of actual life by consciousness which has its own agenda of energy creation through inequality that I have accepted and allowed in each relationship as me. Walking these personalities of my past that I have accepted and allowed as me means taking responsibility for the relationships that I have made within and as them, so that not only my understanding and awareness of who and how I am is an incremental process but also self intimacy, self trust and realization of self responsibility.

 

 

As I start to trace the development of the personality of the ‘loner’ from out of the conflict relationship fear experience/dimension and into and towards the imagination dimension as a ray of hope in a future as ‘solitude’, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose to hide within an imaginary existence/world of my own making, connected into ‘solitude’ rather than to face the fact that this whole experience of fear as an accumulation of the past that I have lived has also been accepted and allowed by me, and an experience that I chose for me, and that because I made it secret in my mind and hid away from it, I made it so I could not see my responsibility within it.

 

In the last post I went into a bit this hopeful fantasy of ‘Boy meets Girl’ which I must have attached into the thought memory picture of the boy as me sitting on the sea wall, defined as ‘in my usual solitude’, with in front of me, the sky, while waiting in the hope that possibly maybe a similarly solitary girl might pass by. Here the fantasy relationship within my mind of me with another being as something that ‘just happens’ in my imagination instantaneously. Again this instantaneous perspective of ‘who I am’ towards existence.

 

What does one do in solitude? Well of course, (= programming), write ‘poetry’, ‘be’ a poet. This is the imagination dimension of the ‘loner’.

 

While writing out this post, I have noticed another aspect of the fear dimension in the loner character, so before entering into the ‘poet’ aspect of how I lived out ‘solitude’, I will walk through this added point of fear…

 

 

next post…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

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The Quantum Mind
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4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

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Day 168: Solitude 9

solitude

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as ‘solitude’ to participate in the fantasy of:

Boy meets Girl, a chance happening, where two paths cross, and the development of intimate relations is almost immediate, like magic.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in this fantasy of two ‘like-minds’ ‘meeting’, that I have not allowed myself to see or realize that I am seeking for a system that is like the system that I have accepted and allowed as me that dwells in self deception as fear of self-intimacy, so that I do not have to fear an expectation of self-honesty in me and I do not have to ask myself why it is that I do not demand self honesty in the other, but justify this self interest as respect and care and kindness.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an existence of relationships in which what is best for all has been specifically agreed against in a mutual contract of exclusion of reality in respect of fear of intimacy, and personalities of consciousness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as in ‘solitude’ to be posing as the ‘misunderstood’ in righteousness and blame, rather than taking responsibility for refusing to understand myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as in ‘solitude’ to be posing as the ‘unrecognized’ in righteousness and blame, rather than taking the responsibility for refusing to recognize myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as in ‘solitude’ to be seeking for recognition in relationship and affirmation that I have ‘a hidden value’, in which I am without regard of what value as me as life it is I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for definition of myself from other beings as lovable within being recognized and understood as having ‘a hidden value’, so that I can feel good about myself without ever having to recognize understand and uncover exactly what that value is as me.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged the experience or idea of being loved and understood and recognized as more than the reality of understanding who and what I am in intimacy with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have asked myself or to have considered how can I develop with myself a relationship of intimacy, or how can I develop understanding of myself, or how can I develop a way in which I come to recognize myself in my entirety.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that intimacy with myself and understanding of myself and recognition of who I am by me in my entirety is something that can happen in an instant way, as if by magic.

 

 

I commit myself to see and realize and understand that this simple experience of myself here is not a single relationship, but the totality of all the relationships that I have made to everything. I commit myself to breathe and walk and realign these relationships that I have made, and find within each one an understanding of myself as one and equal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

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This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

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Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com

Day 167: Solitude 8


 

I return again to this image/picture/thought/memory experience of energy that I connected to the word ‘solitude’. (For context here read this sequence of posts from day 160)….” a picture of myself… sitting on the sea wall, with the sweep of the sea bay and the sea and sky in front of me…”

 

I have opened up the point of hope within this image connection to the word ‘sky’, in which I have walked specifically the word sky as an accepted symbol of hope in relation to fear of emptiness, and in the previous post, hope came up as in an imaginary transcendence of fear of self intimacy, an imaginary future of consciousness in which as hope I would not have to become intimately involved in this self that I had judged, hoping that I could somehow maintain an existence in which I was insulated from direct experience of self, thus accepting and allowing a basic reality of myself as fear.

 

Going with the sound of the word, then it would be Sitting on a SEE WALL, which reflects very much my relationship that I made as fear of self-intimacy, in which I had taken up a position of ‘sitting’ on these fears that I had manifested inside of me as the consequence of my accepted and allowed self as judgement.

 

Apart from connections to other words within the realms of grandiosity and sublimity, in the word ‘solitude’ I had found a kind of phonetic structured solidity that seemed to develop from ‘alone’ as a vague unconscious experience into an actual conscious position or SITuation in the world, like ‘lat-itude’ or ‘long-itude’ – yet more dimensions that seem to cross over each other in this personality creation, and that altogether given my accepted and allowed resignation from facing me within and as my fears and from questioning the validity of my own self-judgement, the formation of this personality as a ‘position’ to take within and as ‘solitude’ as ‘superior’ seemed like a hopeful solution.

 

 

I realize that there is sexual dimension to the development of this personality of Solitude and Alone. Sexuality came into my life experience at about the age of thirteen or so when I first discovered masturbation.

 

It was through masturbation fantasy that I became driven by a desire for sexual experience with girls as a belief in the ‘real thing’ as better, and a ‘more’ experience, and ‘going all the way’, ‘the ultimate’, according to the language of the boys around me, this was my source of information on these matters.

 

As for my practical discovery of masturbation, I had kept it entirely secret, even though it was a massive revelation to me of the possibilities of pleasure experience of my physical body. Revealed to me also was the meaning of all the innuendo that circulated amongst the boys, and I felt ashamed that I had been so slow, and taken such a long time to ‘get it’, so while at the same time as keeping my activities in masturbation absolutely secret, I presented myself to school friends as having known about it all along, while with family I presented myself exactly as they did, as if not knowing about it at all.

 

So along with masturbation came these different levels of deception and fear and seriously important barriers to be maintained between the inner world of me and my outer world. These barriers were erected out of fear of exposure of the me that I had judged as being so bad in (in this instance) accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with sexual desire. So along with this seemingly great discovery came also these dark secrets, I mean I didn’t run about saying. Hey! Look what I’ve discovered with my penis! No, in the event of these strong movements of energy in my body, this point of fear of self-intimacy arose and judgement of myself as bad came with it. It was like now I had attached this point fear of self intimacy in me to sexuality, and then accepted and allowed myself to go on to have an inner life of sexual secrecy.

 

Absolutely in self-interest of energy I wanted sex with, from, girls while at the same time having no comprehension of intimacy, self intimacy, or intimacy of any kind with others. I had grown up in a world without intimacy, and I was now faced with the problem of how to get sex for me with/from another being, of wanting and desiring an intimate sexual relationship with a girl. This new sexual experience energetic discovery of masturbation had pitched me into a situation of wanting something from others, and in this situation of not knowing how to cross the bridge from fantasy in which I got ‘it’ in my mind, into the real world of a relationship in which I apparently ‘got’ from outside myself, I became uncomfortably conscious of myself as being ‘alone’.

 

(How it was that in the act of fantasy I was replenishing my mind consciousness system with sexual energy and therefore the development and maintenance and upgrade of personality structures has only become clear to me since the advent of Desteni and specifically the Quantum Mind series and Shocking Secrets of Masturbation series, and What is Sex series all of which explore these matters in great detail.)

 

So I bring back here again this memory of looking at a diary, when I suddenly saw this solution of being ‘alone’ within the word ‘solitude’, where I see myself from a distance on my own sitting on a sea wall before the sea and the sky; and I have to look at here, the point of manipulation, the point of how within this solitude as a presentation of myself as a personality, I hoped I could attract the attention of a girl….

 

 

 

As I start to write about this manipulation point in this personality I realize that although I can see that the point of the personality creation itself is in getting energy, and also that manipulation of the environment to get energy is a function of consciousness systems, I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this personality and who I accepted and allowed myself to be within these relationships to myself and to others, as a victim and predatory at the same time, and that because I have judged myself in this and separated myself from this, I have raised a fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize or understand that in reacting towards my own acceptance and allowance of manipulation of the environment to get more energy by judging myself within and as this action is in itself a further extension of the same manipulation mechanism in which I myself as physicality is the environment in which the consciousness exists and operates and seeks for energy, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this consciousness as me as judgement of myself in separation from who I am, in separation from others as me and in separation from physicality itself, all one and equal environments suitable for energy extraction by consciousness.

 

Here also as I write comes up the fear in relationship to sex, a fear in relation to not understanding, fear around a lack of understanding of myself, seeing and realizing that there were here great massive formative influences at work in which I had responsibility, and responsibility within rejecting my responsibility, so here begins a loop into an overwhelmingness experience.

 

I stop. I breathe. I am here. I do not have to and cannot face all these points that are these relationships and networks of relationships that I have accepted and allowed of who I am towards sex, women, men, mother, father, and family constructs all at once.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this overwhelmingness experience is nothing new in my life, though when it first arrived I could not articulate it as such, but just accepted it as ‘the way I am’, or judged myself within and as it ‘as the way I am’, and so I forgive myself that I did not see or realize that this overwhelmingness experience was also part of this character formation in which I accepted and allowed myself to resign from facing me, and so manipulated myself to chose to seek out an energetic form of stability that did not include self-intimacy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this overwhelmed experience of energy confusion within my mind as a point of blame in which I have walked away from my responsibility to direct myself within this state back into the physical as me and out of energy by accepting and allowing myself as a relationship towards this overwhelmingness as less than it and as a victim to it in which I have simply gone into a state of waiting in hope for me to ‘come down’ out of it as in a drug experience, rather than taking deliberate steps to clear myself.

 

I commit myself to learn to recognize this overwhelmingness experience immediately so that I can stop myself before it accumulates as a possession of multiple experiences of energy as me. I commit myself to start writing when the experience comes up, and to allow myself to rant, and not to judge its ‘relevance’. I commit myself to stop this ‘I can figure it out within my mind’ illusion that comes up in me, when clearly I can and do totally make chaos and whirlwinds out of it within my mind, which is what I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in.

 

 

Continuing into the point of fear of self-intimacy and ‘the loner’ character next post…

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

the FREE DIP LITE Course now available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

 

 

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

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Day 166: Solitude 7

intimacyW

 

Continued from Vlog : Closed Doors- The Loner and Self-Intimacy

 

 

A Fear dimension of the ‘loner’ personality

This continues from Fear Dimension in Day 164, Fear of Emptiness

 

Fear of Self-Intimacy Self Forgiveness

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as judgement of who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through accepting and allowing judgement of who I am as me, to have then experienced myself as my own judgement as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my own judgement of who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to trust in my own judgement of who I am as a decision that I have made in how to live my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should live in righteousness, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not first check where and what and how and if this righteousness existed in the world in which I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that righteousness is something real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my positive judgement of myself and as myself as right in accepting and allowing myself as judgement of who I am, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in being my own judge of me that I am superior to whatever it is that I really am that I have judged before I gave myself the chance to know me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of who I am because in accepting and allowing myself to judge myself I have created a fear within and as me and I do not wish to face myself as the fear that I created.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself within the fear I have created.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as the fear that I created.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I have created fear within my judgement of and as myself because I am experiencing myself according to my own decision in separation from who I am. And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-dishonesty.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and pictures in my mind of who and what I wanted me to be and have then looked into me and found that I am not these things and so have compared and judged me in my mind and so in this moment I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to that which I did not find myself to be, and closed the door on me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide myself away from me because I did not meet my expectations of myself that I had accepted and allowed as pictures in my mind. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as disappointment in my being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become as hope that I could possibly exist without opening the door to me, without ever having to experience myself as the disappointment that I accepted and allowed myself to be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-intimacy, to fear seeing in to me at what I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own judgement of myself if I am intimate within myself and see myself as what I am.

 

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved to judgement of myself in relationship to who I am, in believing that I cannot be otherwise than judgement in the presence of who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within myself this fear of intimacy with me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand why it is that I have clung to judgement of and as myself as this experience of righteousness, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to release myself from my own definition of myself as judgement because I fear to to let go of and to lose that positive experience of energy as righteousness and superiority where in fear I imagine that I will fall into my negative experience of who I am which is how I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become a fear of the unknown as who I am, and for not allowing myself to see and realize and understand that I am unknown because I have ignored myself through fear of how I might then judge myself if I were to look into myself and see myself as who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my own disdain of me by projecting it onto others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I might be judged if were to participate in a relationship of intimacy in which another being were to really get to know me.

 

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose to walk alone in life rather than experience this fear of judgement of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project on others.

 

 

continuing next post…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

the FREE DIP LITE Course now available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

 

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com

Day 165: Solitude 6

sky

 

Thought Image: Who I am as solitude, sitting on a sea wall in front of the SKY. (see Day 160)

 

Within the Loner personality, the shift from the negative ‘alone’ through hope as a movement towards positivity into ‘solitude’ as a state of ‘sublime’.

 

Hope

 

Bringing back my eyes from out of the sky has been a corrective application that I have started today. It has been a long established physical habit to plant my eyes into ‘the blue’, focused on infinity, like a resting place, ever since I used to slip out of the classroom window, away from here. I do not mean by this that I now stop looking at the sky, but to make sure that when I am looking at the sky, to actually really look at just the physical sky, because the activity that I am correcting here is the habit of not looking at or seeing the physical sky but only a symbolic representation of it as a design of an energetic reality that I have accepted and allowed.

 

When and as I become aware of this movement in my eyes towards the window or the sky I stop and I breathe, until I bring myself back here. I do not accept any longer this movement as a dimensional shift from where I am now into a state of hope. Instead I realize that I have initiated in myself an experience of fear and that I am participating in a reaction towards and away from it rather than facing and specifying exactly what it is and who I am within this, because I see and realize and understand that unless I take responsibility for who I am by standing in this moment then I have chosen to conserve this fear rather than through understanding what it actually is being able to be equal to it rather than inferior to it and hence being able to actually let it go.

 

I commit myself to really see and understand the sabotage of hope through which I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself as fear rather than to stand and face myself within it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the physical sky as an energetic reality within my mind, as an external projection of my being as fear of emptiness, making out of it a symbol of hope and a reference to positive energy experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in this fear of emptiness that I have written that I must A VOID.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the physical sky as an energetic reality within my mind, as an external projection of my being as fear of my responsibility within my abdication of directive principle through which I have made of the sky a symbol of hope and a reference to positive energy experience as mystical spiritual or religious experience in which I make-believe a scenario of my reprieve and the absolution of my responsibility in an overwhelmingness of some abstract higher responsibility or power.

 

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the physical sky as an energetic reality in order to seek out a familiar contentment within positive feelings and experiences of energy within my imagination, having apparently escaped from who I am as fear.

 

 

 

More on this next post…

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

the FREE DIP LITE Course now available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

Andrea Rossouw: Who I am as Money  ’Heaven’s Journey to Life’ Blog Review

 

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

 

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com

Day 164: Solitude 5

 

void

  

The ‘loner’ personality. Deeper into the fear dimension.

 

Much support in this context from interview 59 in the Reptilians series. And see also the relationship of Hope to Fear that currently is being walked in much detail in Heaven’s Journey to Life: 237, 238, 239, 240

 

Opening up the emptiness layer, and facing this ‘emptiness’ as the absence of directive-principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face this fear that I have existed in this system without directive principle, but have instead substituted an image of emptiness with which to cover up this fear so that I can never see what I have done, but have chosen instead to shape my life as a personality around a reaction of fear towards this emptiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear within and as this shell of personality as configurations of energy values as systems of lies that operate on automatic motivations of energy awareness as self interest and within this shell have existed in a secret fear of what I have accepted and allowed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize or face this fear square on because if I were to do so then I would be forced to take responsibility within this system as myself and not any more allow this system to drive me and to move me as I have accepted and allowed throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to recognize that it was me that let go of directive principle, and so within that fear have looked into an emptiness of fear, not recognizing that what I see is the absence of myself as the responsibility of life, and so have lived accordingly as blame of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as a fake because I have been presenting myself as having some control of the political situation when in fact I am in a state of reaction and constant manipulation by global corporations as the personalities that I have accepted and allowed and legalized within the system of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sought for dignity and self respect in the position that I have taken in absolute denial of and therefore blindness to my letting go of my responsibility as my directive principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a foundation relationship towards myself as self deception as a belief in who I am as this fear of my basic lie that I am not responsible for the way I am, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as consciousness within a preference of a life of shame according to the nature of my judgement of myself as this apparent emptiness and lackingness which I have accepted and allowed myself to use so that I can exist as a victim in secret righteousness of blame of an emptiness as my lack of beingness as a cover rather than to see and realize and face the reality that I have separated from myself and from my own responsibility as life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make such absolutely unsupportive decisions in my life about who I am in relation to myself that would develop into this ‘loner’ personality out of a respect for fear and out of respect for my own judgement of myself as the righteous one, rather than respect or even comprehension of myself as life.

 

I commit myself to stand and face myself within this fear of my own automation of myself in awareness of the programming that I have accepted and allowed in the realization that all of it has been according to my own decision. I commit myself to shift out of this awareness as my programming as energy that constitutes this personality array I have become and to stay with myself as breath and as awareness in my breath, here, and as such to walk the details of how I have separated myself from life and from the substance of the physical.

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

the FREE DIP LITE Course now available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

Andrea Rossouw: Who I am as Money  ‘Heaven’s Journey to Life’ Blog Review

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com