Day 353: Prostration
Where in my past did it become an issue of pain or fear to ask for help and assistance? Where was it that a series of events and reactions formed a pattern and culminated in such statements as I will never put myself in such a position, ever again, I will never expose my need for assistance and support ever again, from now on I will do this on my own – and – leave me alone – in fact not even that relationship – but – I will go alone. Effectively – I will go in blame.
Looking at my school experience I realise that I must have been reacting to so many things by taking it personally such as ‘I am inferior for needing this’, or in the situation of needing help with homework, ‘if I had been paying attention in my lessons, then I would know, and not need assistance here, and hence ‘it is my own fault that I do not know, therefore if I am asking, it is a point of guilt that I have to face, and I deserve to face the consequences…’
In this ‘school’ experience I had slipped into a process of constant self-definition and guilt and fear while my self-judgement went rampant – from a decision to accept and allow self judgement and self definition through it – as my decision of where to place my trust – in this hierarchical system, perceiving it to be the whole reality –
‘School’ in inverted commas because I was far away from simple tasks of learning and integration of information about the actual physical world beyond my mind – I had instead or as well as gone into fast-track personality evolution according to the new examples of this new world that lay beyond and in line with the hierarchical within my family structure. Thus, ‘School’ to me seemed more like primarily an immersion into power games and institutional spite, with knowledge and information about the world becoming kind of secondary.
So an ongoing negative experience in the domination of judgements of myself as weak or less than or inadequate in asking for help. So desiring ‘independence’ I defined it in relation to my fear of my own reactions to myself in accepting this fear of my own reactions as a given – believing that I could shut away all of this negative experience, and live a life in which I did not have to face these things, a life in which I would never see the reality of my responsibility in designing the experience of me. Never face myself amongst and with the beings around me.
Being as a victim towards this self judgement definition process, I developed a fear of my malleability – and with that developed a desire for form. I did not see or realise that what would have supported here would have been stability, rather than going into a search for available structures, with functional points of belief and justification for me to inhabit.
Within all of this I had gone into separation from the actuality of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of reference to me, except as hidden in the darkness, defined as an unacceptable truth, a judgement object that can be found ways to be skirted around and diverted from, and got along without, and yet an object that lay wide open at the same time to imputs and upgrades from paranoid projections of the outer world.
With all this and as part of paranoid projection, arose the desire to be liked, which displayed without finesse, would cause reactions as of repugnance towards prostration – and with this absolute statement ‘I can only accept myself if I am liked’ – here I see how I have put myself into the hands of my peers and have given over the power of directing and developing and expanding my own self acceptance for me as me and with me.
Yet something I see now is how I had absorbed that relationship of repugnance towards prostration, and adopted it as an example of seeing things from an ‘as it were’ perspective of who I am in my mind as speaking out the strength of the group, and in support of the maintenance of a gang like superiority – in for example seeing ‘the system’, or the ‘suits’, the ‘establishment’ as in generalized postures of prostration, and then evincing an energy experience out of that –
And in my self in relation to my support of me – what then – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume this gang like superiority in relation to myself as a reaction to seeing myself in this prostration. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the instances of prostration when I see them through the interpretations of my mind, and for not allowing me to see realise and understand that I have made this projection because I fear the shame of seeing myself in such prostration, and in that fear have not allowed myself to take that step back and see who I am in this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress those instances in memory where for example I would have been pleading purely in that moment for the liking of me – where I have presented an image that I hoped would give rise to liking. Seeing myself here in a way performing the rites of total dishonesty as manipulation of others so as to get a feeling of being liked so that through that I might manipulate myself into liking the experience of me, or who I am as an energy experience, as defined through the projected eyes of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a feeling as an energy in my mind as defined as ‘being liked’ as a substitute for all that would be involved within actually liking me, that is, accepting me, step by step becoming one with me as a starting point within the real world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected fear into seeing myself in acts of self-deception such as in and as this victimized starting point – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad and therefore to fear to experience myself as bad with seeing myself in acts of self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expressed these judgements in acts of exclusion of me as bad from out of my own awareness, where I have forsaken who I am within and as ‘bad’, in favour of who I am as trusting in consciousness and who I am as judgement, and defined within that judgement as not acceptable, and believing in that judgement who I am in reality as a danger really to who I am as my projection of myself, a danger that I might possibly sabotage my own pretense, so through these politics I have justified suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word bad to a feeling of diminishment of my being, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I am experiencing the very suppression as diminishment of me that I have accepted and allowed according to my judgements.
I commit myself to support this part of myself that has developed a desire to be liked, that remains within these memories of school – with – when and as a moment comes in which I see myself participate in processes of ingratiation – I stop myself – and I breathe – and I ask myself what it is that I am accepting and allowing here – what is it that I serve – because I see realise and understand that within and as ingratiation what I am resonating is a fear of self acceptance, what I am serving ultimately is this hidden object of judgement, and that I am in fact seeking for its validation.
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.