Day 353: Prostration

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Ref: Eqafe – Great support from the Atlanteans Series – opening up the design of Stubbornness.

 

Day 353: Prostration 

Where in my past did it become an issue of pain or fear to ask for help and assistance? Where was it that a series of events and reactions formed a pattern and culminated in such statements as I will never put myself in such a position, ever again, I will never expose my need for assistance and support ever again, from now on I will do this on my own – and – leave me alone – in fact not even that relationship – but – I will go alone. Effectively – I will go in blame.

 

Looking at my school experience I realise that I must have been reacting to so many things by taking it personally such as ‘I am inferior for needing this’, or in the situation of needing help with homework, ‘if I had been paying attention in my lessons, then I would know, and not need assistance here, and hence ‘it is my own fault that I do not know, therefore if I am asking, it is a point of guilt that I have to face, and I deserve to face the consequences…

 

In this ‘school’ experience I had slipped into a process of constant self-definition and guilt and fear while my self-judgement went rampant – from a decision to accept and allow self judgement and self definition through it – as my decision of where to place my trust – in this hierarchical system, perceiving it to be the whole reality –

 

‘School’ in inverted commas because I was far away from simple tasks of learning and integration of information about the actual physical world beyond my mind – I had instead or as well as gone into fast-track personality evolution according to the new examples of this new world that lay beyond and in line with the hierarchical within my family structure. Thus, ‘School’ to me seemed more like primarily an immersion into power games and institutional spite, with knowledge and information about the world becoming kind of secondary.

 

So an ongoing negative experience in the domination of judgements of myself as weak or less than or inadequate in asking for help. So desiring ‘independence’ I defined it in relation to my fear of my own reactions to myself in accepting this fear of my own reactions as a given – believing that I could shut away all of this negative experience, and live a life in which I did not have to face these things, a life in which I would never see the reality of my responsibility in designing the experience of me. Never face myself amongst and with the beings around me.

 

Being as a victim towards this self judgement definition process, I developed a fear of my malleability – and with that developed a desire for form. I did not see or realise that what would have supported here would have been stability, rather than going into a search for available structures, with functional points of belief and justification for me to inhabit.

 

Within all of this I had gone into separation from the actuality of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of reference to me, except as hidden in the darkness, defined as an unacceptable truth, a judgement object that can be found ways to be skirted around and diverted from, and got along without, and yet an object that lay wide open at the same time to imputs and upgrades from paranoid projections of the outer world.

 

With all this and as part of paranoid projection, arose the desire to be liked, which displayed without finesse, would cause reactions as of repugnance towards prostration – and with this absolute statement ‘I can only accept myself if I am liked’ – here I see how I have put myself into the hands of my peers and have given over the power of directing and developing and expanding my own self acceptance for me as me and with me.

 

Yet something I see now is how I had absorbed that relationship of repugnance towards prostration, and adopted it as an example of seeing things from an ‘as it were’ perspective of who I am in my mind as speaking out the strength of the group, and in support of the maintenance of a gang like superiority – in for example seeing ‘the system’, or the ‘suits’, the ‘establishment’ as in generalized postures of prostration, and then evincing an energy experience out of that –

 

And in my self in relation to my support of me – what then – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume this gang like superiority in relation to myself as a reaction to seeing myself in this prostration. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the instances of prostration when I see them through the interpretations of my mind, and for not allowing me to see realise and understand that I have made this projection because I fear the shame of seeing myself in such prostration, and in that fear have not allowed myself to take that step back and see who I am in this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress those instances in memory where for example I would have been pleading purely in that moment for the liking of me – where I have presented an image that I hoped would give rise to liking. Seeing myself here in a way performing the rites of total dishonesty as manipulation of others so as to get a feeling of being liked so that through that I might manipulate myself into liking the experience of me, or who I am as an energy experience, as defined through the projected eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a feeling as an energy in my mind as defined as ‘being liked’ as a substitute for all that would be involved within actually liking me, that is, accepting me, step by step becoming one with me as a starting point within the real world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected fear into seeing myself in acts of self-deception such as in and as this victimized starting point – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad and therefore to fear to experience myself as bad with seeing myself in acts of self-deception.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expressed these judgements in acts of exclusion of me as bad from out of my own awareness, where I have forsaken who I am within and as ‘bad’, in favour of who I am as trusting in consciousness and who I am as judgement, and defined within that judgement as not acceptable, and believing in that judgement who I am in reality as a danger really to who I am as my projection of myself, a danger that I might possibly sabotage my own pretense, so through these politics I have justified suppression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word bad to a feeling of diminishment of my being, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I am experiencing the very suppression as diminishment of me that I have accepted and allowed according to my judgements.

 

I commit myself to support this part of myself that has developed a desire to be liked, that remains within these memories of school – with – when and as a moment comes in which I see myself participate in processes of ingratiation – I stop myself – and I breathe – and I ask myself what it is that I am accepting and allowing here – what is it that I serve – because I see realise and understand that within and as ingratiation what I am resonating is a fear of self acceptance, what I am serving ultimately is this hidden object of judgement, and that I am in fact seeking for its validation.

 

 

Continuing…

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EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation  •  Desteni.org  • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of RightsLiving Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

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Day 252: Emotional Mechanics

 

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Day 252: Emotional Mechanics

I realized recently how I had been driving my old van while under the spell of a misapprehension – having just gone over the clock on 200,000 on the milometer, I had become used to the fact that the water temperature readings would go quite high, specially after flagging up steep hills, or stuck in a traffic jam – so I had chosen a point on the dial after which it was time to slow right down, open the window and turn on the internal heating full blast so as to drain some of the heat out of the engine, like I had chosen a point after which to start worrying and go into and as anxiety as a negative experience in my mind. Given that my life at the moment is on a shoestring and that I do not have ready money to get another vehicle or afford garage services, and that I have not learned basic mechanics, the thought of breaking down somewhere can easily pick up catastrophic undertones – so when that little red pointer on the dashboard got to this chosen point, I had conditioned myself to go into these anxiety reactions. So, the misapprehension was that this particular point on the temperature dial I had defined as the ‘danger point’ – was real, because, as I discovered when riding along with J who knows a thing or two about old diesel engines – when he leaned over and looked at the dial and told me that that was in fact quite a normalish temperature, and the needle still had far to go before even the fan coolers would jump into action. So as we drove along the needle went up, and up and then settled at a place on the dial that was way above my chosen ‘danger-point’, but my experience was now entirely different, I did not go into this anxiety, but instead enjoyed the drive.

Looking at this I realized that I was showing myself an example of how a simple piece of information can come in and change my entire experience, where somehow I had made up a belief about the meaning of the readings of this instrument, and reacted to it so many times, and had not questioned it. The consequence of this new information is that I drive faster, I am trusting that the van is not on the point of imminent break down, I am trusting that my life as me and the van as a tool for earning money is not on this point of imminent break down, my perception of the van is different, and my breathing, adrenalin levels and the well being of my physical body are no longer constantly entangled and integrated into this dial on the dashboard, where I had decided who I would be in that moment where I had set the trigger point.

Writing this out, I now have space to look under the bonnet, as it were, into my own mechanics – where the anxiety showed up at this ‘danger point’ with the backing of my whole life experience, a life in which I have travelled many years somehow without a commitment to myself to see to it that I have enough money in reserve for such situations, a life in which I chose a happy-go-lucky approach to things, a life in which I had put so much value into my own time, my own expression of me regardless of not having any money. Well not regard-less really – my regard for money was actually negative, emotional, dismissive; from teen-aged years I saw myself as far above all of that, I would prefer to live on a pittance, artists in garrets etc., living and breathing in this existence with time to turn around and look at things, consider things, make things, invent things, rather than to walk into a factory for example every day, and come home blank or with piped music still pumping round my mind, and the whole day gone, forever.

How I had defined my day however was in the service of my self interest, something that I see now with hindsight was how I had learned to service a preference for an existence as good feelings in my mind as consciousness in separation from, or regardless of my actual physical reality – this became an addiction – and through the filters of this addiction I could not see that I had chosen an existence of constant flight from the bad feelings, or that these bad feelings had been instigated originally by me as the consequential experience of me according to my self judgements. These broad statements of the shape of my life as a whole spread outwards below this current point about the temperature gauge on my dashboard – like a pyramid – or a cone – where in a moment of anxiety I get a muffled glimpse of the infra-structure layers and systems of belief that I have accepted and allowed and then, mistakenly, lived.

I had not realized that the contents of this specific moment of reaction of anxiety driving along in my vehicle were actually the whole collection of feeling of my life experience that had brought me here. Well that is kind of simple and obvious in a way, that this experience of me as who I am as the sum total of all of my experiences, my memories, my past is this what I call ‘me’, and in each of those equations of who I am within each experience or memory, all this adds up to this kind of familiarity with myself in which I can write the words ‘my life’ without quite realizing what I mean by this, or the scope of my responsibilities within it.

And seeing this, how I had ‘mistakenly’ lived ‘my life’ – this general point – in which I see a relationship with this as a reaction of regret towards it – in which as regret in relation to ‘my life’ I live a disempowerment of myself – in which I have incorporated disempowerment into my definition of myself as my life – so that within and beneath the specifics of anxiety connected to the dashboard of my vehicle there is a brooding awareness of this underlying disempowerment and design of giving up, which is there as who I am in and as my relationship to these years of life.

 

 

Continuing… 

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EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation  •  Desteni.org  • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of RightsLiving Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

Day 251: Mystery and Suppression

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation  •  Desteni.org  • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of RightsLiving Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

 

 

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Day 251: Mystery and Suppression

 

Continuing from previous post:

 

A part of the problem of coming into a physical dimension into and by and from and within the hands of parent beings – and into a world dominated by personalities – I am putting it in this way – because the meaning of and the experience of it all, everything – had been for me the internalizations of these parents’ projections – where in response I had defined a normality out of actually bizarre and curious personality relationships, which were yet, consistent.

There were times when I wanted to breathe the air of an existence that was rid of my father, in which I had gone into an illusion of blame, in which having accepted and allowed myself to be defined in blame, I had then exerted secretly who I was as this same reflection. In a way, as a parasitic entity, I could discard this being when I had fully internalized its structure – parasitic – in the sense that I never really considered the being for and as and in himself, but only in terms of me.

And yet, what were the terms of me, that I had absorbed, what did they consist of – who I was within this blame, this inheritance, this particular concoction of blame that was furnished with disregard, disappointment, contempt, and walking away from – who I was within the internalization of this as my attitude towards myself was sort of as an implication, rather than a direct assertion.

Through my family environment, I believed that there existed in my world these things that were ‘unmentionable’, and the secret reality of me had become an example of them, and this example had been who I am within self blame as self disregard, self disappointment, self contempt, and self ignorance. What on Earth was I doing – I had thrown myself into a gauntlet of projected definition, tumbling through a narrow world of judgements and coming out as an independent authority as a self judging mechanism in control of all that is to be hidden and denied and processed into suppression, and the world I then experienced seemed so broad and wide and yet was actually really narrow and confined. And within that wide illusion of the world, I became engaged in mystery, satisfied within my judgement that I had made it so, that it must be, that ‘mystery’ exists, a kind of game with my suppression. Kind of playing games on the edge of physical reality, as written about in the previous post, where these games become projected in physical reality in the form of movies, where how we see and show ourselves is kind of safe and in a separate dimension. It has been in such distractions that I made a comfort zone. I did not question why did I require comfort, or how did I define this comfort – but then, I did not question, I had abandoned questioning in relation to this point, I suppose that is how I protected it.

 

In a memory of my father introducing the family to a member of the outside world, he passes quickly over me – Here – I decide not to do the same, towards myself, this me that I am walking through, and changing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in this memory, take this interaction personally, where I have gone into offence and blame, and self victimization and interpreted this event as a piece of evidence of ‘what he really thinks of me’, through my own projection of ‘who I believe I really am’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse this being as a feeding ground for self righteousness and as the target of blame. I forgive myself that I have confined and limited this being for the purposes of my own self interest. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my own value of me into feelings of righteousness instead. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this being that was also my father, for passing over – me – rather than seeing within this reaction the denial of what is obviously so, that I am passing over me repeatedly in my timeline, and here, following the construct, where I had gone into:- ‘Rather to not look at myself, at what I am actually doing here, rather to move swiftly on’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed guilt towards and connected into ‘who I am’, and that I have accepted and allowed a transition from guilt into righteousness as a pattern, as an automatic function of my MCS and so of my being, of my physical life that is Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in a pattern of blame as guilt and righteousness in which what is assured is – no change – therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from a comfort zone, have found a need to protect myself from change, to have accepted and allowed a system of energies that I can embody and use to protect myself from change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define change as something separate from me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to really live the word change, and I commit myself to learn to do so. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word change to the emotion of fear, and within that I see and realise that this perspective is from the comfort zone, in which change has been postponed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an existence of comfort zones, where who I am within that comfort is of guilt or righteousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this pattern of energy as a means to obstruct my investigation of myself, and my walk out of these automated systems.

 

 

 

Continuing…

 

 

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EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

 

Day 250: Multiple Reaction Hook

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation  •  Desteni.org  • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of Rights    Living Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

 

 

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Day 250: Multiple Reaction Hook

 

There is a kind of frequency that comes out of movies quite often, it is the sound of multiple reactions of personalities trapped in mind wars, over shouting each other to the point where it becomes impossible to make out the words, and in the story meanwhile there is something of great importance in the physical that must be done. This frequency kind of jars within me, sort of resonating as if on an off note, and I have gone into reaction to this frequency of ‘rowing’, I feel trapped, I remember an experience in which I had been fully subscribed in my participation in such things just exactly like in the movies, with impersonations of jealousy, offense, resent, spite, blame, in competition, power games, manoeuvres, strategies, and meanwhile, beneath the babble of the row, this feeling of being trapped. That there was this stuck point within me, which was the denial upon which the victory depended, upon which this whole sequence of automation depended. What was the fear at this point – that letting it go would be to ‘lose’ and to ‘fail’ within the cult of ‘winning’, that letting it go would be to give control away to a hostile force, and within all of that, a fear of the consequential experience of diminishment and powerlessness, insubstantiality. It is interesting how in movies, the common sense solution in a situation is graphically displayed to the audience, while the protagonist personalities wrestle over something trivial, it is as if they have become mind possessed, while all the time, the clock is ticking, that physical ratchet dropping on cog after cog – that is the point of suspension – that there is a scare-city of time been established.

 

The practice of breath.

I noticed quite recently how in the situation of being with a group of people, I had gone into various reactions – according to each person – it was not that I had stopped them, but in my breath and slowed down within myself, I was able to see these things for what they were – as projections – and I recognized also from that, that this same situation could have in the past been only recognized as overwhelm-ment – the difference being me, and who I am within this moment. Recognizing these reactions, one by one they were then easily resolved, I could check things out in different ways with different people and with myself.

 

Continuing…

 

 

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EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

 

 

Day 249: Overwhelmingness smoke and mirrors around Denial

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation  •  Desteni.org  • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of Rights    Living Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

 

 

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Day 249: Overwhelmingness and smoke and mirrors around Denial

 

See ref: Eqafe :The Atlanteans walking Denial

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a cluster of information that is in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the strength of my denial will be unequal to my realization and within that, that I am powerless to prevent a metamorphosis into an experience of diminishment. I forgive myself that within this very fear I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of my resources of self dishonesty.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this ‘fearful’ realization will be information about the very unacceptable core nature of my being, that I will then be forced to experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be ‘forced’ into an experience except by the behest of my acceptance and allowance.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the magic power to deny a part of myself as being actually me, that within the confines of my mind that I have assumed the authority to allow or not allow the existence of part of me, and then to believe that that is real, that life can be simulated without those parts of me that I have rejected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify this superiority as myself within my mind dictating aspects of myself as existent or as non existent, and therefore standing on denial, and giving consent to the process of suppression.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to therefore question the existence of such a magic power of judgement as Self, or to see that the opportunity of the question itself was kind of loosened from the foundations of the denial, shaken by the word ‘assumption’ through which it can be seen that there was responsibility within this, that nothing is such as within this ‘magic’ of ‘the way it is’, but is instead within the reality of that which I have accepted and allowed as who I am, that which I have accepted and allowed as my concern within it whether that has been a concern of continuation of self rejection, or a concern of expansion of self investigation, self intimacy, exploration, realignment, and realization and living of that concern into the wider reality of physical self in the context of physicality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my own awareness of my own authority as Here into a personification of judgements of reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this stance, myself to accept and allow an existence for myself in which I stand in a relationship of hostility towards myself, where in effect my concern has been within and for the purpose of my self confinement, where in fear of information I protect myself from the uprise of it in me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within my fear of exposure of myself to me, that I have accepted and allowed a tyranny of denial as part of my existence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a relationship to this tyranny as a victim of it, in mute blame of it, in resignation and giving up,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within rejection of a part of me, to initiate a belief in me as an attitude towards my real self – of indifference – in which as a gesture of deliberate ignorance, I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon real self interest/concern as this physical substance here, and have instead accepted and allowed myself to be directed by self as energy interest/concern or for the ends of personality self interest, within and as a construct of the mind.

 

 

Continuing…

 

 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————— 

 

 

EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR