Living in and as a part of the Desteni Farm Community in South Africa I have the great fortune of being able to sit in with the Portal, as Dimensional beings come through and make recordings. A couple of days ago, sharing how it was that I had started into redefining Steadfast, Mykey came through to share his experience also with this word. You can find this recording in the Demons in the Afterlife series on Eqafe.
Steadfast – when the word came up in me, I recognized it as a word that I might live – that I recognized it as such –was kind of an inspiration: that I might actually in fact consider this, and find a way of letting go of that demurring side of me in which I held myself as less than up to living Steadfastness, and so as well to find a way of letting go the story I have lived in which I must somehow make-do and make my way in life without this word, where in that story Inconsistency hung over me as if it were my basic nature; through which no matter what it was that I applied myself to, a sort capriciousness would eventually rear it’s head, and it would seem that everything I’d done had been like the wrong path in the maze of me.
A word can somehow fit into the story of the nature of the hand that you were dealt, and then become coloured by it, charged by it; you can keep it to yourself within the darkness of your self, and embrace it in a way, notwithstanding everything, still playing the game, never questioning that it was real; and this was what I did, never questioning the statement to myself that therefore I can never have faith in me. And so it was that I became entwined in that embrace, in fear of trusting my commitment.
So it kind of follows out of that I could come to so admire the quality of the word Steadfast, that in making it so great, so strong, that the effect of this can make it seem as if it’s out of bounds; that admiration in itself within this construct, acts like another point of sabotage. Comparing me to Steadfast, I judged myself as less than that, and in that less-than definition of myself I would listen to the familiar comfort of demurring voices, that would work in me to curb such aspirations, to keep me in that story that I’d spun of the hand that I’d been dealt.
This is why the process of defining and redefining and living words is so important; seeing within ourselves what we’ve done to words, what meanings we have infused into them and then accepted, and how and what we’ve lived accordingly, and then in seeing the reality of ourselves as dictated by our very words, we see that we do not have to be the victims of our definitions of ourselves, we are empowered to change ourselves to the selves that we would want to be, and we have the tools with which to do it.
So with Steadfast: that momentary recognition of this word as it came up in me as a word to live was like in seeing it anew, and seeing myself anew, that, why not take this word and see how I might redefine it for me, see if I might make it useful for me, see if I might even enhance, develop and expand the qualities within me that I have neglected, those neglected parts of me that gave rise to my projection of this admiration. ‘Seeing anew’ was also in a way a realization of the fact that I could challenge this perfect finish with which I’d veiled the word, that instead I could be handling it, taking it apart and re-assembling it, becoming more familiar with it, seeing how it works.
Here are some self-forgiveness statements that come from facing the reality of me as in relation to Steadfast, as a practical step towards the purifying of this word:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in admiration of the word Steadfast, and so of those I see who live expressions of this word, not seeing how within this admiration I was showing me a part of me that I was denying for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or look at what this positive energy of admiration was actually showing me of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Steadfastness could not exist for me; that it was for others only, that even if I simulated such a thing, I could never own it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself simulating Steadfastness, and to judge myself in trying that. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my judgements of myself and take them as a kind of warning, that only calamity could come out of it, that sooner or later I would fall, and prove that steadfastness was impossible for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchats of these judgements and interpret them as protection, not seeing that who it is that is supported here is me as less-than Steadfast. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on the opportunity of living the word Steadfast and only distancing myself from it, seeing it through the lens of admiration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I tried to live as steadfastness, not seeing how within the act of trying I was sowing the seeds of giving up on me.
Seeing what has been my relationship to this word, I look at also what the context was in which the word came up and what was going on within me, and it was a kind of weariness that I am still accepting so much inner chat, seeing it in a way like a constant carping, and seeing that cycle in which I listen to it, do forgiveness, clear my mind, and yet before too long slip back into it.
You know that feeling like the drag around your legs when you wade through shallow water: in my process a similar point to this, that realization of I’m tired of this, I must do something about this. That’s when the word Steadfast came up in me, this context of how I could do something for myself here – choose a word to live – give myself some more support in the face of constant distraction.
How can I live Steadfast, not with the expectation that I might just magically find a way to live it – as it stands – as if I could just suddenly take the reality of me in my relationship to this word, and then suddenly shove me into it – What I mean is, how can I practically find a way to really live it, meaning how can I redefine this word for me, in support of me, for the sake of better living me, because within that weariness of tolerating levels of distraction, that is what I want, to put that habitual argument to rest, to better live this me.
Yes for sure within that inner chatter there are points that I must deal with, clear, but there is also another point which is who I am towards that process, the point that I must kind of wake myself even in relation to this waking process. So within this question that I am asking of how to find a way to own this word, how to make this word intimately real for me, I see that first it is to realise the importance of this question, to breathe it in, to take it seriously into me, to give it priority, to give it my immediate attention.
In Steadfast there are for me these main components: steadiness and fasten. Steady, as with being the master of the ship, grasping the wheel, holding a steady course through the storm; fastening, as in that grasp, in that grip. As I sound the words and play with them, a new arrangement of the question comes: How can I fasten myself in – stead – to straight direction? And what is straight direction? To me this version of the question raises the point of where do I stand, where in – the word Instead – literally, a point is standing in an alternative position – so within that, steadiness comes up as a reference to standing.
And ‘straight direction’: in the metaphor of the ship at sea, the meaning of straight direction implies the course of the ship, unwavering, while within myself this straight direction is, to me, being straight with me, that my direction of my choices and decisions is straight, in the sense of being honest, true to me. Going back into the context of where the word Steadfast came up in me for that moment, as a word to live: there was a simplicity to that moment, that I could see that in relation to what was going on in my mind, the simple truth of it was that I was accepting and allowing myself to not be doing the best that I can – a knowing that this is not my best – a knowing that there is a limit to how seriously I take myself and so how much I respond to what I know is best for me.
As for Seriously: it’s more like I take myself seriously or not, there is no grey area there. What is real is that some moments I do and other moments I do not; as outlined in the beginning of this post, that lack of faith in me in relation to consistency, and to self-commitment: revisiting that now I see how much I use that apparent grey area of taking myself seriously or not as an excuse I tell myself, feeling at home with the belief that inconsistency is just part of being me, and so this steadfastness is really such an effort, so why not be kind to me, renege on me again, a little, take a break, tell myself this serious thing is such a burden, placate myself with: I’ll get back on this later, or else: I know that this is not the best for me, but I can live with that, I always have, it’s what I know, I’ve made an effort…
That ‘renege on me again’ was a point of self awareness new to me; it was a point of exasperation, and a point of ‘Enough’, that was when the word Steadfast occurred to me, perhaps it was that in that moment I was reaching for a particular kind of strength.
Self-forgiveness statements on my relationship with the word Inconsistent:
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I was being born into Life was determined by the stars. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use this belief to justify how I found myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in absolute as Inconsistent. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that inconsistency is the nature of my being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot change my fundamental nature.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am victim to my fundamental nature. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me in this belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this life set a limit on my responsibility for who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my definition of myself on external forces. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in regard to inconsistency live a life of blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word inconsistent to influence and affect my relationship with steadfastness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed through this belief for me to have perspectives on steadfastness that it is not possible for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my definition of myself as inconsistent, as a constant sabotage of steadfastness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my belief in who I am as inconsistent, as an excuse and a justification to not be doing the best for me, to make decisions for myself that I know to be not the best for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself within not doing my best for me, within my blame of Life not doing it’s best for me, in believing that a hand of cards that I was dealt by Life was somehow fixed against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Humanity in terms of a game of cards, in terms of competition. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a loser. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my victimhood on Life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through this to justify a cursory approach to living life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and so become a form of chagrin on the basis of these self definitions and beliefs. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to recognize this Chagrin in my presence, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a comfort zone within and as this Chagrin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing the reality of me accepting and allowing decisions and actions that I know within myself are not best for me, and within that not recognizing and so not taking responsibility for the Chagrin element within it, but seeing and judging who I am within the disempowerment that came along with it, for seeing and interpreting and defining me in weakness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this state of disempowerment and for giving up on me in the very prospect of Steadfastness as a word to live.