Month: June 2012

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Day 68: Fear Obscuring Self Awareness

June 28, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

While reading out a ‘massively’ (according to my own comparison to me) long shared Self-Forgiveness statement of an other being, I come to a place where I accept and allow my eyes to glaze over. So I stop here to look at this.

What am I accepting and allowing in myself that I go somewhere else and shift into distraction in my mind?

At the eye-glaze moment, there was a backchat question that went: How can ‘they’ possibly go so far and deeply into this? Which I see now was the reversal of a statement to myself in which I take up the position in myself of an ‘I don’t know’ rejection of self responsibility. So, underneath the question lays the statement of self-judgement, “I can’t do this good enough’’, and underneath this unawareness, fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scroll down others’ Self Forgiveness statements to see how far down they go, and then go into and become this fear that I will never get to the bottom of my own script of energetic code that I have written and subscribed to in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my process to the process of an other being and then to come up and arrive into as me a measurement of myself as lacking and inferior and then accept myself to be directed by a fear of ‘who I am’, apparently according to my mind, and then return into the old familiar hideout of distraction in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon my own process in separation from myself in which I take an aerial view in my mind and see a mountain range and vastness, and justified ‘impossibility’ so that I give up on pushing through myself and what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in separating me from this process of myself that I have already paved the way to resignation of my commitment to walk this here with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare me to an other and for within this to have accepted me as competition and as spite and jealousy and fear, in and as which energies I then judge myself and then resign.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see and understand that it is this fear that obscures my self awareness, and that it is me that sets the limits on my self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push through this fear when I arrive before myself and face this energy of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize this fear for what it is and instead to re-confirm this limitation as being the edge of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy according to my fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as a world of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a world of fear is a world without awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that in fear of fear I obscure the fear that I am accepting and allowing self to be, and therefore hide my self awareness from myself that I am in this moment fear that I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I commit myself to stop forever this relationship that I have made, accepted and allowed, embellished and absorbed elaborated and inherited and supported in and as myself to fear.

I commit myself to this simplicity to walk this process of myself as breath by breath.

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Day 67: BackChat and MindControl

June 28, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

see: BackChat and MindControl

Day 66: Under-Stand and Sub-Stance

June 24, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Fear of de-construction going into desire for ‘understanding’ with the mind.

Investigation of a pain inside my gut.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fear in a relationship that I have made to de-construction of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through fear to qualify this deconstruction within and as de-struction in fear of loss of structure of this me that I have lived within belief that this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that while I deconstruct this me that I have accepted and allowed and have become, that I remain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hope that I might ‘understand’ within my mind this deconstruction of myself so that I may replace/upgrade the structure that I fear to lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxiety of hope and fear that I may not reconstruct before destruction of this personality of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest this knot of fear and hope anxiety and desire as a pain within my gut.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a fear of structure-less existence in the tissues of my gut.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fear of what may be beyond the structures of experience that I have accepted and allowed within my world as all that is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look down and realize and see that this anatomy of personality that I have accepted as myself in fact has no gut and has no breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the words of under-stand and sub-stance and to not realize what it is I show myself in what they mean.

I commit myself to this decision of who I am within and as the substance of this breath. I commit myself to let go of these structures of control and understanding of mind. I commit myself to realign the structures that I have accepted and allowed as me within my mind through this writing-out of me and through this self-forgiveness process and through this self commitment of myself to actual life to walk in life as who I am as life.

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Day 65: Shopping Experience

June 24, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Looking through racks of second-hand paperbacks and DVD’s, I realize that in fact there is not a single book or film I want to buy. That’s simple, so I leave the shop. But not so simple, because in the movement in my body to turn around and go I have accepted me to be directed by this negative experience of frustration.

Frustrated that I do not allow myself this energy experience?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger in the veiled form of frustration, to become for a moment a wave of sulkiness, through which I have accepted and allowed this impulse in my legs to go. Rather than just simply walking away from this selection of energy experience, I am accepting and allowing temptation to utilize regret and disappointment that I did not get my way in order to re-energize myself and stay within the bounds of my addiction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction with myself in relation to this act of self-direction. Even though I’m morphing in a sense from one being to another, I walk out of the shop by any means, and breathe.

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Day 64: Let’s Play, ‘Let’s Pretend’

June 22, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Childhood pre-ten d energetic training.

‘Listen With Mother’, in which ‘mother’ is a pretend mother voice coming out of a radio, and she says things like, “Hello, children,’’ and, “Are we sitting comfortably? – Then I’ll begin…” …Story-time.

Maybe this was the source of a game in my mind, called ‘Let’s Pretend.’

To Pretend: to speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not.

I am bored, I am hungry for more energy, so, ‘I know’ (accepting of a thought that comes into my conscious mind);

I know; ‘Let’s Play ‘Let’s Pretend’.

Let’s return into possession of the mind.

Let’s believe in our game of ‘Let’s Pretend’.

Let’s Play ‘Let’s Pretend’ together so that we can make it real.

Let’s define our rules of ‘Let’s Pretend’, according to words that stand for and initiate our experience, so that then we can begin to play, and walk into a ‘world’ that is not here.

Let’s Pretend that ‘magic’ is real.

Let’s Pretend we’re having an ‘adventure’, such as what I’ve heard of in ‘adventure stories’.

Adventure: an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.

Story: an account of imaginary or real people and events told for entertainment.

Let’s Pretend (that what is here as) this ‘room’ is a ‘spaceship’ in this ‘adventure’ story in my mind.

Let’s Pretend (that what is here as) this ‘room’ is a ‘submarine’ in this ‘adventure’ story in my mind.

Let’s Pretend (that what is here as) this ‘house’ can ‘fly’ in this ‘adventure’ story in my mind.

Let’s Pretend (that what is here as) this ‘cardboard box’ is a ‘Time-Machine’ in this ‘adventure’ story in my mind.

Let’s Pretend (that what is here as) this is another ‘planet’ in this ‘adventure’ story in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store within my mind these stories of move-ments of energy as movies as ‘adventures’ which I have used and adapted for my entertainment as a system of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘adventure’ according to my experience of the movement of energy within my mind in participation with which I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my childhood play to become a process of learning to experience and interpret who I am as energy within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words of ‘Let’s Pretend’ to energy excitement through which I have accepted and allowed the words of ‘Let’s Pretend’ to become a trigger for allowance of myself as energy experience to which I have become addicted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘adventure’ in connection to ‘story’ so that in pretending that I am having an ‘adventure’ I accept myself as part of a story that I tell myself in which I am not real but something that happened in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my childhood play become a narrator of myself in separation from myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my toys as tools and props within my game of ‘Let’s Pretend’ in which I have accepted and allowed myself to use the physical to justify the game I play within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge distraction and preoccupation in my mind as me being ‘a good boy’ because I get approval from my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as me this facility for make-believe through which I learned to play the game of being me as life.

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Day 63: Giving-up Malevolence

June 22, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Writing this blog, ‘regardless’ of the thoughts that are in my mind… I realize that in the word regardless I have to be clear within myself that I have not included or connected into it any kind of reaction of spite or hostility, or judgement of superiority within ‘ignoring’ it, which would be to create a hostile relationship towards the mind.

Today it seems that last blog I was looking at the issue of giving up on myself within accepting and allowing myself to not see a solution, and also the hostility of me within my own self-judgements towards me, seems that somehow I take a kind of evil delight within devouring myself, there I go again, not just merely a victim but rip myself to pieces also, completely acting out this energetic nature of my self-malevolence inflicted on the substance of my physical.

I see and realize that this situation in which I am accepting and allowing myself to not care for me and hence for all in the outer reflection of who I am is the malice running rife throughout the systems of the world.

Having judged myself as and defined myself according to this thought within my mind, that Who I Am is so ‘completely’ (terminal) fucked, I give up on myself, I lay down in the battle with my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see in this that I am attempting to Win against my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have in fact set myself up to ‘lose’ this battle against my own authority which I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in trying to persuade the mind to give me back my power that I have given to it that I am playing games of manipulation with myself so as to not see and realize that I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that in engaging in hostility against the mind that I am in fact fighting for my own survival as self-interest because I have separated from the mind and therefore from myself as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my thoughts authority to determine Who I Am.

I commit myself to not engage in these reactions to my mind.

I commit myself to walk the self forgiveness of this energy that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and am, so that I may return this energy as me to substance and this who I am as life.

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Day 62: Solution

June 20, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the energy that I myself have created and compressed inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have ever had control, realizing that I have only been controlled by feeling and emotions and the mind…

and

…THUS I realize that I must take self-responsibility as breath and walk myself out of the mind into the physical as actual self-control that is best for all life.

Seeing and realizing that the practicality of a solution does not come forth so easily as I stand before and in the turmoil of my mind, I ask myself so then what is my relationship towards Solution?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind believe that for me there is no Solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as special, or superior in my inferiority as in being much more fucked than others and therefore in my mind believe that for me there is no Solution.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that this special fuckedupness that I see in me is only the judgement of my mind and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a fear of change in believing that for me there is no Solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose this apparently wonderful fucked up judgement of who I am and who I have become if I step from this into Solution.

I forgive myself that though I have accepted and allowed myself to realize and see and self-forgive the madness that I’ve lived yet still I am accepting and allowing myself to hesitate and not see the Solution.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realize that what I find so precious in my fucked up life is my self-interest and that clinging on to this I fear to see the Solution that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realize that in believing that for me there is no Solution, that this is what I have accepted and allowed for all as me, and that therefore saying that I care what happens is a lie.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realize the consequence of this self-judgement of my special fuckedness on the world and the effect it has to undermine Solution.

…THUS I realize that I must take self-responsibility as breath and walk myself out of the mind into the physical as actual self-control that is best for all life.

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Day 61: Learning Self-Support

June 20, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

After a conversation, the question rose inside me, “Why did you not support me there?” And I noticed how I had converted a statement of blame into a question.

Learning self-support, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for validation in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame an other not supporting me within which I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize and see that I have rejected my responsibility to me to give myself support and stand by me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for validation in the back-chat of my mind.

Mind shift into back-chat a picture of self being judged in the context of imaginary gossip. What happened? A thought arrived in front of my attention, then I reacted to it, accepting this negative validation to be true, then I felt bad, spiting myself, hurting myself, punishing myself for being who I am, which is who I now accept myself to be, according to this picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away authority to mind through which I have accepted and allowed a state of me divided, undermined diminished and unstable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away authority of validation to consciousness through which I have accepted and allowed myself to listen and to respond to back-chat of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this pain of self inflicted spite in my body and for having accepted and allowed this judgement of myself as less-than in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress/forget the cause of this experience in my body which I have done in order to protect myself,

thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to re-experience this self-spite in the act of remembering the cause of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot separate the memory of this picture from the reaction that I make of spite towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be protected by my mind in which I give permission for my mind to take care of me by showing me the judgements of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an automated system in which I judge myself and spite myself in reaction to a thought that comes into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self expression is a dangerous thing, that I must be careful how I express myself, and therefore that I need this mind to guide me.

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Day 60: Crow-calls

June 18, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

I enter the first day of my sixtieth year on Earth writing Day 60 of this Journey to Life blog. Through the open door come through the sounds of the world, jack- hammers amongst the swirl of traffic, aircraft engines, playground echoes, and a crow calls five times to his mates. And yet there is no number five in physical reality, but only in this parallel illusion of this illness of the mind. I see the melted clock of Dali’s painted world become the actual melted clock amongst the fragments of Hiroshima. I hear the crow-call of my living life and I see my mind connect in countings of numbers, and I dismiss temptation to make of number sets some special meaningful coincidence within my mind that is not life. Today the Earth turned round again. It’s morning here as night falls on a world of pain.

I commit myself to breathing here, responsible for breath, to walk through self-forgiveness of these relationships of spite as blame which are the contracts of each and every rejection of my self responsibility made real and given to my mind to act for me and all as me. I continue to take this consciousness to turn around with me and face the dark of who I am as life.

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