Day 452: Steadfast (3) Being Real on Earth

References here, two recordings from a recent Life Review: Being True to Your Self, and Redefining Truth and Self.

 

Day 452: Steadfast (3): Being Real on Earth

When it has become ingrained into the processes of thought – as with me through many years – it’s hard see self judgement in any clear way – subsumed into and as a thing there is then no perspective of it possible – the effect of this, in redefining words to live, is that to take the energy connection from the definition of the word is really difficult; with judgement so ingrained, there are layers formed in which I do not see sometimes how I stand in judgement of judgement itself and so I do not see that my stand as judgement has not changed, and though I recognize points within that were obvious points of judgement of myself, points I can review and deconstruct, forgive, and through doing that I can release some layers and illusions I have lived, there is still an aspect of all of this in which I have felt as if I’m going round in circles.

So it comes as a welcome opening to me in all of this to hear a recent Life Review in which judgement is discussed in ways and terms I never have considered. And here I’d like to share the impact of this Life Review on me, and how it has supported me as I continue on my journey through unraveling the question of Steadfastness for me, because I see how much Steadfast has its roots in how I stand by me, and also how much Steadfastness has not been possible for me while rather than simply standing by and for my self in moments, I have been instead reacting to my own reality. Indeed asking me the question: Can I live with who I am without reacting to me, brought up immediate responses from my body, seeming to confirm for me that the question had been exactly on the point.

So, stepping out of the Judgement is bad or wrong trap, in which the very angle or approach one takes in trying to become a better self, be a better person both towards myself and others, in fact upholds the separation; a perspective of what has happened here is that the word Judgement is so ingrained and integrated into bad and wrong, that it has become impossible to see around it, work with it, work with who I am within it. And yet substituting instead of this word, concept, thought, that is entailed in Judgement, the new perspective that I’m simply standing in reaction to my own reality; for me a door has opened in the sense that I can work with this.

Through writing out the details of the issues that I had with Inconsistency (Day 450) I came to see the point that what developed in my life from seeing myself in absolute as inconsistent in my very nature had been a loss of faith in me, in my decisions, in my commitments to myself, and the point that I explored was how that belief perspective of myself had undermined my willingness to stand in Steadfastness, and I explored the point of how I had then blamed the world for this.

And yet in listening to this Life Review, a new perspective opened up: seeing that inconsistency within my self had actually been a point of honesty, an observation of my own reality; and that interpreting this as a curse or something put on me had been based on the belief that Self itself must be consistent, that seeing the inconsistency in me was showing me that there was something wrong or different about me, compared to others. And so these problems that I gave myself came out of the nature of Judgement that defines one as this or that thing, and in this case seeing the Inconsistency within my Self from one moment to another, I then saw myself as lacking. And seeing Self as something that must always be the same, it was a separation of myself in that therefore I cannot rely on me, cannot have faith in my decisions.

So here a clear example in my life in which I was comparing a definition of self that I believed in, to the self that I observed within reality, and then standing by my elevated perspective of it all, overruling my self honesty. In that a life is what it is that you decide to live, here is then a life in which the decision that’s been made by me is to live in faith with that belief, founded yes on being a better person, but at the expense of my own reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my faith in a projection of myself as being a better person than what I honestly found myself to be, as is, in different moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the choice to live my projection of a better self consistently, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live consistency within and as living that projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live consistency and faith within and as a projection of a better self, and that I have lived within attempting to impose that self upon my real self that is unpredictable and responds in various ways in different situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the real self of me that is different in different situations is the real self I have to work with in these different moments.

My choice and my decision here is to learn to live Commitment to the Self that is the as is Self of me that is here in the moments of my day, and to learn to disengage myself from the projection of myself that has become so ingrained within my mind. My choice and my decision here is to disengage my faith and my consistency from this projected self and to replant it solidly as a part of my support for who I am and how I am toward my real self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as a reaction to my own reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this reaction to become ingrained in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life that is in the shadow of my own reactions to me.

I commit myself to bring these realisations and decisions into and as a part of my redefinition of Steadfast, that in Steadfastness I am steadfast in my relationship to who I am and how I respond in moments, to the real me, I am steadfast in my walking of forgiveness of myself, and consistent in support of me, that in seeing myself – as is – I can immediately work with that; a self that maybe out of line, or of accord with Life, a self that I maybe even haven’t ever seen.

 

“So I started with just that simple definition: staying true to the decision of accepting the difficulty and the challenges that I’m going to be facing in any given moment, and staying true to accepting the difficulty of the challenges – what does that mean – that means that when I’m facing challenging and difficult moments, that’s where I am true to myself, to see it through. To see it through: the difficulties, the challenges, the mess – not judge myself – not react, not think I should be more, better, this or that. It’s not going to help me thinking what I should be or who I should be when I am already something, is it? Just look at who you are, as is, and if you are not happy with what you are seeing, change it.”   Extract from: Being True to Yourself

 

 

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Day 451: Steadfast (2) In the Midst of Life, there is Life

Continuing from Day 450…

From the point of Steadfast coming up as a word to redefine and live, I come to look at now the point within it of seeing me accepting me not making my best effort.

What is my best effort – my personal, honest assessment of Best within me? Just within never having really asked this, I see how much I have relied on a version of best that I’ve defined as if through the eyes of others; and I see that very often in my past ‘do your best’ has meant to me that something less than my own personal best effort would also be acceptable, since what is or is not my best effort is only known to me within my secret mind, so, demonic snigger, there is room here for deception.

In fact do your best has sounded like good news to that cursory or chagrinned part of me that I opened up in the previous post, that part through which now I’m walking, seeing how much I’d sabotaged my opportunity to live Steadfast, I now practice Steadfast in this introspective walk, by going more diligently into the details of that sabotage, and better understanding them.

And looking at that definition in my consciousness that ‘I am not worth the effort, since I cannot change’ I see how much my effort has a secret limit to it, and ‘best’ has really just become a presentation to the world, being used for purposes of deception; so here is this word Best defined as part of me as in this personality within a drabness, not as a living word, but rather with a kind of sourness, or a sneer to it.

What sort of mediocrity do I decree for me in my creation process, applying this word as it stands like this in me to my ‘best’ potential? What could be instead of this, within the nature of this word Best as a living word, as a component of the living principle of Life, and as well a part of me realigned with who I am as Life in the midst of Life?

How to link up Best as defined by me, for me to align with the Best that is defined within the principle of life? Re-establishing for me within myself, the Principle of Life, as Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All: is seeing in my introspection what I have applied of this, or not, in points that come up in me in the moments of the day, in points I upturn in my introspections, hidden aspects of my self; that is how the compass/backbone of this principle stands behind my application of self-forgiveness, stands behind my redefinition process of myself, and of the words through which I live.

Written here, the Principle of Life expressed in words, in words of English Language; translated into symbols I can in my human consciousness understand. But how would it be defined in the words of the language of Life itself? What would be the contents of this word Best for this universal force? Would it even be a word, as such, or a living being in and as itself? What happens within me, being aware that I can as yet not answer such a question, is the opening awareness in myself of how great the force of this word Best might be, and a vision of what Best might be without the limitations I had put on it.

Just playing now for a moment with ‘The Force of Best’: what comes up in me is an image that Mykey described in Redefining Steadfast, it was the image of a ship, an ice-breaker, and a focus on the breaking chunks of ice around the bows. It was that strength, or push or force that he described which really struck me. Here was for me a new addition to an image of a ship that I had previously imagined, where my ship was much about a Steadfastness of keeping straight and upright in a stormy sea, keeping that grip, holding fast; in addition to this for me now was to focus on that force of pushing through, and then not just as the master of the ship, but as the ship itself. That image of the ice breaking apart under the impact of the ship’s bow pushing through serves me here as an image of Steadfast.

Where was such push to come from? Something that I realized when I began to redefine the word Steadfast, when asking me the question, of how I was to even set about it? …was to stay with me in my recognition of the importance of it for me, that within that recognition, to have that push of setting other things aside and give this my immediate full attention.

Exposing characters that I have embodied in my life that have acted as a hindrance to my questioning of me what is actually in fact entailed within this word Best that I have lived, as well as considering what Best might be for Life itself, have all supported me in seeing exactly how and in what way Steadfast might be possible for me, a specific change in me that I can deliberately bring about.

Seeing these foundational beliefs that I have accepted and allowed, that ‘I am not worth the effort’, and also ‘I am not worth caring for’; these have been like unconscious mantras resonating through my life. Being faithful to my judgement of my ‘worth’, I have defined ‘effort’ for my self-support accordingly aligned with these foundations.

So I see here how ‘my best effort’ has also been infected by these mantras, as well as what this word Best would become for me; so in a process of elaborating who I am within and as this disempowerment, when it comes to my self assistance and support, there is no push, well, not none, but less than I could muster. And seeing a glimpse of the actual truth of things, that I am Life in the midst of Life, carried in that glimpse is the importance to me of getting a grip on this, on this life that is actually me, and the importance to me also of my redefining Steadfastness that now I actually need and reach for. So I see here that is in this realization that I initiate that push for who I am within and as that ship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word Best as being associated only with the world of comparison and competition. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in judgement of competition and comparison. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider in myself what is Best for me, in how I have defined this word within me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider what Best might mean for me beyond the word of competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am apparently getting away with something when I tell myself that I don’t really have to push myself to really and in fact get something done, and I respond to that belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘getting away with it’ in a positive energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no consequence in this, not seeing how within this that I have strengthened my belief that it doesn’t matter, that who I am within my effort doesn’t matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live the word Best according to my judgements of my worth, that within this I have accepted and allowed my best effort to be limited to my measure of my worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my best effort to be without the core of me within it; not seeing how I have secretly defined a limit to the effort that I’m making, not seeing how I have defined myself within the limit to the effort that I am willing to make for the sake of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the phrase that anyway, I don’t matter, a form of comfort in the implication that therefore I do not have to have responsibility. I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed for responsibility to have a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the phrase, I don’t matter, to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me the statement that whatever I try to do, that it doesn’t matter, that if I feel uncomfortable within myself or if I’m challenged that I can put it all aside until I’m feeling like it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to the feelings that come up in me when I make an effort, that if I’m feeling good with what I’m doing then I continue with it; and that if the feelings change, then I respond immediately to my belief that anyway this does not matter, and so postpone what I’m doing, even knowing with myself that this is not my best effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own judgements of myself in failure. And that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not make my best effort then that failure that I see will not be real, because then I can come back with, well I wasn’t really trying. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this strategy to be fighting with my mind, to be in argument with parts of me, not seeing how my actions and behaviors are being defined by my fear of my self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I see myself in regard to my own process as being accepting that I do not push myself to walk through points as they present themselves to me in the moments of my day. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me within those judgements definitions of myself as just being weak or tired. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see these basic programs in my mind for what they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a religion in myself in which I feel ok with remaining faithful to my judgements of myself, judgements of my worth, and then feel uncomfortable if I make an effort for myself in disregard of this religion. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the choice of remaining faithful to this religion by acting on the movements in me that come up in me as feelings.

 

 

 

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Day 450: The word Steadfast (1)

Living in and as a part of the Desteni Farm Community in South Africa I have the great fortune of being able to sit in with the Portal, as Dimensional beings come through and make recordings. A couple of days ago, sharing how it was that I had started into redefining Steadfast, Mykey came through to share his experience also with this word. You can find this recording in the Demons in the Afterlife series on Eqafe.

Steadfast – when the word came up in me, I recognized it as a word that I might live – that I recognized it as such –was kind of an inspiration: that I might actually in fact consider this, and find a way of letting go of that demurring side of me in which I held myself as less than up to living Steadfastness, and so as well to find a way of letting go the story I have lived in which I must somehow make-do and make my way in life without this word, where in that story Inconsistency hung over me as if it were my basic nature; through which no matter what it was that I applied myself to, a sort capriciousness would eventually rear it’s head, and it would seem that everything I’d done had been like the wrong path in the maze of me.

A word can somehow fit into the story of the nature of the hand that you were dealt, and then become coloured by it, charged by it; you can keep it to yourself within the darkness of your self, and embrace it in a way, notwithstanding everything, still playing the game, never questioning that it was real; and this was what I did, never questioning the statement to myself that therefore I can never have faith in me. And so it was that I became entwined in that embrace, in fear of trusting my commitment.

So it kind of follows out of that I could come to so admire the quality of the word Steadfast, that in making it so great, so strong, that the effect of this can make it seem as if it’s out of bounds; that admiration in itself within this construct, acts like another point of sabotage. Comparing me to Steadfast, I judged myself as less than that, and in that less-than definition of myself I would listen to the familiar comfort of demurring voices, that would work in me to curb such aspirations, to keep me in that story that I’d spun of the hand that I’d been dealt.

This is why the process of defining and redefining and living words is so important; seeing within ourselves what we’ve done to words, what meanings we have infused into them and then accepted, and how and what we’ve lived accordingly, and then in seeing the reality of ourselves as dictated by our very words, we see that we do not have to be the victims of our definitions of ourselves, we are empowered to change ourselves to the selves that we would want to be, and we have the tools with which to do it.

So with Steadfast: that momentary recognition of this word as it came up in me as a word to live was like in seeing it anew, and seeing myself anew, that, why not take this word and see how I might redefine it for me, see if I might make it useful for me, see if I might even enhance, develop and expand the qualities within me that I have neglected, those neglected parts of me that gave rise to my projection of this admiration. ‘Seeing anew’ was also in a way a realization of the fact that I could challenge this perfect finish with which I’d veiled the word, that instead I could be handling it, taking it apart and re-assembling it, becoming more familiar with it, seeing how it works.

Here are some self-forgiveness statements that come from facing the reality of me as in relation to Steadfast, as a practical step towards the purifying of this word:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in admiration of the word Steadfast, and so of those I see who live expressions of this word, not seeing how within this admiration I was showing me a part of me that I was denying for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or look at what this positive energy of admiration was actually showing me of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Steadfastness could not exist for me; that it was for others only, that even if I simulated such a thing, I could never own it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself simulating Steadfastness, and to judge myself in trying that. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my judgements of myself and take them as a kind of warning, that only calamity could come out of it, that sooner or later I would fall, and prove that steadfastness was impossible for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchats of these judgements and interpret them as protection, not seeing that who it is that is supported here is me as less-than Steadfast. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on the opportunity of living the word Steadfast and only distancing myself from it, seeing it through the lens of admiration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I tried to live as steadfastness, not seeing how within the act of trying I was sowing the seeds of giving up on me.

Seeing what has been my relationship to this word, I look at also what the context was in which the word came up and what was going on within me, and it was a kind of weariness that I am still accepting so much inner chat, seeing it in a way like a constant carping, and seeing that cycle in which I listen to it, do forgiveness, clear my mind, and yet before too long slip back into it.

You know that feeling like the drag around your legs when you wade through shallow water: in my process a similar point to this, that realization of I’m tired of this, I must do something about this. That’s when the word Steadfast came up in me, this context of how I could do something for myself here – choose a word to live – give myself some more support in the face of constant distraction.

How can I live Steadfast, not with the expectation that I might just magically find a way to live it – as it stands – as if I could just suddenly take the reality of me in my relationship to this word, and then suddenly shove me into it – What I mean is, how can I practically find a way to really live it, meaning how can I redefine this word for me, in support of me, for the sake of better living me, because within that weariness of tolerating levels of distraction, that is what I want, to put that habitual argument to rest, to better live this me.

Yes for sure within that inner chatter there are points that I must deal with, clear, but there is also another point which is who I am towards that process, the point that I must kind of wake myself even in relation to this waking process. So within this question that I am asking of how to find a way to own this word, how to make this word intimately real for me, I see that first it is to realise the importance of this question, to breathe it in, to take it seriously into me, to give it priority, to give it my immediate attention.

In Steadfast there are for me these main components: steadiness and fasten. Steady, as with being the master of the ship, grasping the wheel, holding a steady course through the storm; fastening, as in that grasp, in that grip. As I sound the words and play with them, a new arrangement of the question comes: How can I fasten myself in – stead – to straight direction? And what is straight direction? To me this version of the question raises the point of where do I stand, where in – the word Instead – literally, a point is standing in an alternative position – so within that, steadiness comes up as a reference to standing.

And ‘straight direction’: in the metaphor of the ship at sea, the meaning of straight direction implies the course of the ship, unwavering, while within myself this straight direction is, to me, being straight with me, that my direction of my choices and decisions is straight, in the sense of being honest, true to me. Going back into the context of where the word Steadfast came up in me for that moment, as a word to live: there was a simplicity to that moment, that I could see that in relation to what was going on in my mind, the simple truth of it was that I was accepting and allowing myself to not be doing the best that I can – a knowing that this is not my best – a knowing that there is a limit to how seriously I take myself and so how much I respond to what I know is best for me.

As for Seriously: it’s more like I take myself seriously or not, there is no grey area there. What is real is that some moments I do and other moments I do not; as outlined in the beginning of this post, that lack of faith in me in relation to consistency, and to self-commitment: revisiting that now I see how much I use that apparent grey area of taking myself seriously or not as an excuse I tell myself, feeling at home with the belief that inconsistency is just part of being me, and so this steadfastness is really such an effort, so why not be kind to me, renege on me again, a little, take a break, tell myself this serious thing is such a burden, placate myself with: I’ll get back on this later, or else: I know that this is not the best for me, but I can live with that, I always have, it’s what I know, I’ve made an effort…

That ‘renege on me again’ was a point of self awareness new to me; it was a point of exasperation, and a point of ‘Enough’, that was when the word Steadfast occurred to me, perhaps it was that in that moment I was reaching for a particular kind of strength.

Self-forgiveness statements on my relationship with the word Inconsistent:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I was being born into Life was determined by the stars. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use this belief to justify how I found myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in absolute as Inconsistent. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that inconsistency is the nature of my being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot change my fundamental nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am victim to my fundamental nature. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me in this belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this life set a limit on my responsibility for who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my definition of myself on external forces. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in regard to inconsistency live a life of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word inconsistent to influence and affect my relationship with steadfastness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed through this belief for me to have perspectives on steadfastness that it is not possible for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my definition of myself as inconsistent, as a constant sabotage of steadfastness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my belief in who I am as inconsistent, as an excuse and a justification to not be doing the best for me, to make decisions for myself that I know to be not the best for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself within not doing my best for me, within my blame of Life not doing it’s best for me, in believing that a hand of cards that I was dealt by Life was somehow fixed against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Humanity in terms of a game of cards, in terms of competition. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a loser. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my victimhood on Life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through this to justify a cursory approach to living life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and so become a form of chagrin on the basis of these self definitions and beliefs. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to recognize this Chagrin in my presence, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a comfort zone within and as this Chagrin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing the reality of me accepting and allowing decisions and actions that I know within myself are not best for me, and within that not recognizing and so not taking responsibility for the Chagrin element within it, but seeing and judging who I am within the disempowerment that came along with it, for seeing and interpreting and defining me in weakness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this state of disempowerment and for giving up on me in the very prospect of Steadfastness as a word to live.

 

 

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Day 449: The word Loss

 

A bit of a Pandora’s box this one: a world of self-manipulation, competition, jealousy, self-treachery, opened up for me as an aspect of my own as-is reality, in looking at the question of how I had defined and lived out Loss.

It is in the nature of judgement that definitions are imposed onto other beings; it is a form of arrogance: one assumes a righteous knowingness of others, and then asserts this knowing, claiming that they are this one thing or that one thing in absolute. That I made the choice to simulate and to embody such a form of consciousness, and in so doing, apply it to myself, it had the consequence of my living out of definitions of myself that were absolutes, I became within me the assertion that who I was could not be changed. Within this starting-point I see at once the very source of a depression: that if who I am cannot be changed, the belief that – with learning being change – that therefore learning is impossible, except on superficial levels. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief to exist within me, and so for this belief to have played a role in the shaping my life.

In a way it was like I made a home for me from that feel-good righteousness positioning while at the same time accepting that I was the victim as subjected to the assertions I was making, such as that who I am is bad, or less-than others, of no value, worth, these were definitions of myself that my righteousness depended on. Seeing righteousness embodied and expressed by those around me, such as in the playground, I made the mistake of interpreting this as strength, and since what I really needed in myself was to develop strength it seemed to me that it would be supportive to simulate such things. It was in such mistakes of interpretation that I made these choices. In the choice of giving up on my own authority I came to see that same authority imposed upon me from the recipients of it; from seeing that authority expressed as righteousness, I became subject to it.

On listening to the recent Loss recordings in the Future of Awareness series, (114, and 115), I took some time to look into my early years in which Loss played quite a part; I’ve looked into these years quite a bit, but this time returning with the deeper question of, What was it more precisely that I had defined generally as Loss?

Much of what I had previously included into Loss was the story of the victim of it, seeing myself as being deserted, let down, being left behind, abandoned, or rejected in some way; the experience of those interpretations. In fact there were many circumstances that were outside of my control: the financial stability of my family, the decisions of my parents in the face of that, a crisis in their relationship, my father’s sudden death, the loss of house and home: a story of the sudden break-up of a family. And yet my experience within all of this was entirely my responsibility; because the experience was the play-out of how I had defined myself within it, and the thought that came up in me, and it was probably a thought that comes up into many children’s minds in situations like this, which was: [therefore] Who I am is not worth caring for. It was from out of seeing the play-out of this thought and writing out myself in self forgiveness statements, that a very different story then unfolded, not the story that I liked to tell myself, but the story of who I actually was and to some extent, still am, in telling it.

Strength from understanding; and understanding from self-forgiveness: here I stand within and as my own authority of self-investigation. And here I share some unraveling self forgiveness statements from out of the assertion of who I am as an absolute, defined as Not Worth Caring For, and looking at the specific experience of Loss that came out of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the conclusion that came up in me at this crucial time, a definition of myself that sprang up in me from the idea in my mind that, I wasn’t worth caring for.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take this personally, that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this new situation that I was in was an expression of others’ lack of care for me, and so within that for me, a measure of my lack of worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth according to my judgement of whether or not that people cared for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worth according to the care for me of others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the care of others for my sense of worth. I forgive myself that I have accepted and myself to define care as something that bestows value, worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define my own worth for me as me within me but to instead trust my worth to how I saw my relationships to others from how I saw others relationships to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess others’ relationships to me, and hence my worth, by comparing their relationships to me with their relationships to others.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my assumption that I can assess my worth by observations of relationships between other people in my outside world, and drawing conclusions about the value of who I am within myself through comparison of these observations.

I forgive myself that I have limited my observations and comparisons of other’s relationships to me and other’s relationships to others to those others in my life that were significant to me: such as to my mother and my father in relationship to my siblings; such as partners in relationship to friends; such as friends in relationship to friends; such as teachers in relationship to pupils in my class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within all of these relationships, for it to become a part of my normality for my sense of worth to be going up and down on the waves according to the moment and to the situation. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question this or look too closely into this dependence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of what I might see if I were to look into this point of dependence in which I had put my worth into the hands of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of loss in losing people in my life and in that loss experience self pity and depression, and through becoming addicted to those emotions feared to look beyond them and see that this sense of loss was actually as well the loss of my access to an experience of self worth through what I saw as being the care of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have value only when it is plain to me that I have value in the eyes of another being, when in moments of insight I see that it is so, and my own value worth of me is released from out of the suppression. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that life itself, living, being alive without condition is actually what Value is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself instead of seeing Value as it is, to believe instead in an experience of energy in my mind as the potentiality of my value/worth, and not question why the experience would fade in time and return me into the suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the experiences of self pity and depression as a default experience in my mind as a comfort zone of my resignation in this sense of loss, not seeing honestly within myself what it is that I have lost, not seeing that it is not the case that I am the victim, that I do not have control of how other beings are toward me, and in that, seeing myself as ‘abandoned’ or ‘left behind’, but seeing that what is real about my loss is that I do not any more get that sense of worth as supplied by others in my mind, and therefore must begin to learn how to value me, how to take responsibility for my worth, how to see my worth anew as something that I can develop, as something that I can accept for me, give to me, return to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my own authority into the hands of others that relate to me in modes of judgement, that through doing this I have come to accept definitions of myself ascribed to me, definitions of myself as absolutes, that I am this, or I am that; that I have come to relate to myself in this exact same way, settling the judgements of definition on myself in such a way that written into them is that who I am is who I am that cannot change myself, that understanding who I am is not going to help me, that written into loss – that who I am is not worth caring for – the definition of myself as – not worth – I stop the ‘therefore I won’t care for me’ – and so ignore myself, and leave myself, the same as what I see as others doing to me – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change this sense of loss into a form of spite towards myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed, extending from my definition of myself as loss, as validating my victim status, to have in my secret mind, rejoiced that I could reap from this a treasury of righteousness.

It’s not that righteousness is ‘bad’: it’s that ‘being right’ as a point of superiority is both illusory and a transient energy reward: being ‘right’ begins and ends within the mind, there is no anchorage for it in the physical reality of Life. A future of righteousness fuelled unconsciously by loss and blame is not a Life, so much as a reaction to it and against it, an ongoing argument for the mind.

 

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 448: The word Principle

 

Is it possible for the Fact of Life to be at the forefront of my everyday reality, would that be too intense, would it even be possible for me to then get on with the practicalities of my days? And is this really such an odd question, or is it that the oddness of it brings my own relationship to it into focus, seeing in the question that I keep it to the margins, taking it as granted, and then, from the premise of ‘Given that we are here in the Fact of Life, then this, then that…’we kind of lose the premise and everything becomes just only this then that and so on, it becomes an institution of Then this Then that, giving rise to groundlessness as if it were just the way things are, like living on a train that comes from, goes to, nowhere…

 

Also, looking at this question, I come to look at ‘too intense’, and the reaction of something to the effect of Holy Shit I am Alive, we are all Alive, Oh My God, can I even be aware of that and at the same time do this thing that I am doing? There is like a fear of that intensity, of realizing the profundity of the situation, while at the same time, implicit in the question, a fear of becoming lost in the distractions of the day.

 

The Fact of Life, The Principle of Life: it was from realizing that somehow and in some way I felt uncomfortable with the word Principle that I write this, and now I see more clearly that the word for me was kind of problematic, so that in saying the words ‘The Principle of Life’, that I was in some way accepting a definition of Life by the measure of this discomfort in me, by the measure of my experience within and as the word.

 

Principle: here is a word that stands within all things: the Beginning/starting-point/infrastructure/law/blueprint… and yet looking at these words that spill from Principle they do not to me describe a living thing, but more my personal way of sketching out attempts of understanding it, that maybe possibly with these and other words, I might eventually embrace it. I mean the Principle of Life must obviously be a living thing, that the Principle of Life as Oneness and Equality as What is Best for All has to be within and as itself a living thing.

 

Looking into this I see how much I had absorbed and so imprinted into me the context of religious morality, as determining the compass of the word, and with that a relationship of less-than to it. That to me a life of ‘principle’ was a life devoted to some higher thing than life itself, that the paragons of Principle were statues raised on pedestals, that the Principles were the domains of high philosophy, that for me in my early days of meeting with this word, the teachers of principle in my early years were usually coming down at me from righteousness and judgement.

 

So this is what I begin to see now within this: the nature of that vague discomfort that I sort of skirted round in writing out this word, and of sounding it. Really the discomfort of resonating my own dishonesty in how I had defined it into me, and in overlooking how I in consequence was actually living it, saying unconsciously ‘me, talking about Principle? come on’, ‘this is not me’, ’I can’t live this’, ‘who I am is less than this’; and then within my sounding of the words ‘the Principle of Life’ experiencing my own hypocrisy and my own self judgement without awareness of the detailed nature of my own discomfort, or awareness of the fact that what I had accepted and allowed in skirting round my physical experience of what I had become within this word was to limit my expression of the Principle of Life to something of the mind.

 

With Self-Forgiveness, releasing me from these as-is conditions of the word, and of my acceptance and allowance of how I’ve placed myself within it, I give myself the space now to look more at how I’d like to be, how I’d like to place this word, how I’d like to live it, how I’d like the Principle of Life to be clear within me, as an intimate part of me, recognizing the Principle of Life as a living thing and me within in it living one and equal.

 

What comes up for me as I write this are the Eqafe recordings of the Clouds: in which examples are described of the nature and extent of communications in just a single moment, within even just a handful of atmospheric substance, a group of countless living particles, organizing what is best for all both collectively and on an individual level to manifest some rain, or else to do some other thing: and using that example of that handful of the atmospheric substance, and extending it and applying it to the infinite particles of the air around the Earth, and the water substance of the Oceans, the continents, Nature as a whole, that exact same nature and extent of communication happening constantly, that we embrace as one, as the Fact of Life: within that, Principle stands out as permeating all things everywhere, my physical body one and equal, my fifty trillion cells, all universes of their own, and yet dedicated unconditionally in the name of All.

 

It’s like here in these examples coming up I am showing me how there is nowhere in physical space in which Principle is not the active, crucial, organizing element, nowhere that is not replete with particles of awareness in constant actions of adjustment and decision. The revolution in my definition/redefinition process is to turn deliberately from a definition coined in consciousness – of Principle – as preference, or as a virtue, as something morally good, superior – and my definition of myself in relation to that, as separate to that, as less than that – to Principle as an integral part of everything and everywhere – and who I am the same as All, a manifestation of that Principle, an example of that Fact of Life. In this redefinition process then there is the recognition of the Principle of Life as a living thing and of me also as a living thing in which for Principle to become a living word for me I see that I must kind of learn to merge with it.

In the process of redefining and living words, it is like deliberately making a bridge from belief in self as an isolated being to realisation of self as an integral part of the reality of living awareness.

 

Some personal Self Forgiveness statements that assisted and supported me to release some self definitions that I had been existed as and so resonating in my sounding of the word Principle:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Principle when it has seemed to me to undermine my choices and decisions taken in my self interest; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle as a threat to my furtherance of my self interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my choice of giving to my consciousness directive principle by blaming principle, by judging Principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle within and as Morality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Morality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody a personality of reaction to Morality and hence within that to Principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people as inferior in interpreting their stand within Morality and Principle as being examples of subservience to the system, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this for me to not see my own subservience to my mind in acting to protect my decision for the mind and for the furtherance of my self interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to beings that stand in principle and then to judge myself and define myself as less than in my self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle as the domain of intellectuals and then to compare me to other beings that I have defined as intellectual, and in that comparison, find me lacking and so judge myself as less than and define myself as less than those I see as being equal to understanding, living and defining principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle as something isolated, something separate from me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an isolated being in a world of isolated forms. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle as something that exists only in the minds of human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me in relation to the word Principle, backchats such as ‘this is not me’, ’I can’t live this’, ‘who I am is less than this’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to this backchat and in doing so strengthening my definition of myself as less-than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these definitions of myself that I have attached into the word Principle. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress a judgement of myself as fraudulent in speaking of the Principle of Life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see into or pay heed to the discomfort that was in me saying these words.

 

I commit myself to clear this word Principle for me; I commit myself to clear the limitations of myself that I have defined for me to live within this word. I commit myself to continue to release the energies that I have stored within this word. I commit myself to clear the Principle of Life in support of learning how to live the Principle of What is Best for All in my immediate world. I commit myself to walk the redefinition of this word Principle, and to expand myself from out of the constrictions that I have imprinted into it.

 

 

References to the permeation of communication and decision and the application of Principle within the substance of the atmosphere come from these two recordings of The Cloud in the Earth, Nature, and Weather series from Eqafe:

 

Clouds: Purpose and Responsibility

Clouds: Purification and Consequence

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 447: The word Choice

Although I can see it in the logic of my mind that What is Best for All is also Best for me, how can I learn to really live that in the choices and decisions that I make?

What would it be to borrow and to live a moment of Choice as in the Eyes of Life, from the glimpses, from the inklings, to borrow with the intention of learning how to live that choice, how to extend the moment of that choice into the next and so the next, to learn that in that step, at once an opening and a borrowing, for that choice to so become no longer borrowing, but something owned? Perhaps to set up circumstance for intrigue would be best support for us to take the invitation to turn towards our home, to come in from the cold, intrigue as best support for curiosity, for that curiosity to become something owned, and so acted on, rather than to just instead be given something that cannot be directly understood, as something that just glitters with potential but is yet unusable.

 

Within the compass of the Eqafe recordings there are hundreds of perspectives that could be described as ‘through the Eyes of Life’; they come as gifts and as support for all of us on Earth, from Dimensional beings beyond the confines of this consciousness which we have accepted as everyday reality, they come as news and confirmation of a broader deeper more intimate world than the one we’ve known. The very fact of a new perspective is a waking call. Just a glimpse of what might be seen through the eyes of life, or just an inkling of the gist of what’s being shown is strong support for me; it assists my own endeavor to from that guidance further find my way to be for moments standing in the shoes of Life while at the same time standing in my own reality as an expression of Life. That for me is the value of the Eqafe recordings.

 

In the principle of Equality and Oneness – Reality – “Who and What I Am as a being, is a living choice.” In the actual reality in which we live, the reality of Equality and Oneness as What is Best for All as Life: that is the Fact, that is what is.

 

In this post I write about and out of realisations that came up for me in listening to the recent Future of Awareness recordings: Choice in the Eyes of Life, Beyond Choice, and Choice as a Bridge.

 

Sometimes you might come across a sentence or a statement so incisive that you recognize immediately that it could change your life, that potentially it could blow your mind, rock the foundations of everything you are, and also that potentially realizations stemming from that statement could mark a turning point from out of a routine illusion and into the fact of reality, if put into immediate application. In my reception of an opportunity of such value I would want for others to receive it also. That is what I mean here by recommend. I am kind of pointing to the source of inspiration, even though I know that I can’t point it out directly, in saying, look at this, but saying, look, this is where I got this inspiration, this is where I got an insight and an understanding in how to walk this process out of what exists as consciousness, out of what prevails as everyday reality, and yet makes no sense, and how to steadily walk into awareness as Life.

 

I realise now that I must have had the assumption that the Dimensionals had somehow had it easy, had just kind of shuffled off their mortal coils and or else somehow just magically walked into a limitless awareness, of looking individually or together through the eyes of life. And yet hearing how it did not work like this at all was practical support for me. That there was no magic in this, that the processes of redefining Choice had been the same for All, whether in environments of consciousness on Earth or in the Dimensions. [In the reality of Equality and Oneness…] “Who and what I am as a being is a living Choice.” Here is literally, a mind-blowing fact, a fact of life that becomes accessible in the process of redefining Choice. Seeing realizing and understanding how the definition of choice that we had lived had also been a choice, a choice to give away directive principle to consciousness, and so from that, accept the authority of the consciousness’s definition of Choice; these are keys to understanding who and what we are and what we have become.

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life