Day 452: Steadfast (3): Being Real on Earth
When it has become ingrained into the processes of thought – as with me through many years – it’s hard see self judgement in any clear way – subsumed into and as a thing there is then no perspective of it possible – the effect of this, in redefining words to live, is that to take the energy connection from the definition of the word is really difficult; with judgement so ingrained, there are layers formed in which I do not see sometimes how I stand in judgement of judgement itself and so I do not see that my stand as judgement has not changed, and though I recognize points within that were obvious points of judgement of myself, points I can review and deconstruct, forgive, and through doing that I can release some layers and illusions I have lived, there is still an aspect of all of this in which I have felt as if I’m going round in circles.
So it comes as a welcome opening to me in all of this to hear a recent Life Review in which judgement is discussed in ways and terms I never have considered. And here I’d like to share the impact of this Life Review on me, and how it has supported me as I continue on my journey through unraveling the question of Steadfastness for me, because I see how much Steadfast has its roots in how I stand by me, and also how much Steadfastness has not been possible for me while rather than simply standing by and for my self in moments, I have been instead reacting to my own reality. Indeed asking me the question: Can I live with who I am without reacting to me, brought up immediate responses from my body, seeming to confirm for me that the question had been exactly on the point.
So, stepping out of the Judgement is bad or wrong trap, in which the very angle or approach one takes in trying to become a better self, be a better person both towards myself and others, in fact upholds the separation; a perspective of what has happened here is that the word Judgement is so ingrained and integrated into bad and wrong, that it has become impossible to see around it, work with it, work with who I am within it. And yet substituting instead of this word, concept, thought, that is entailed in Judgement, the new perspective that I’m simply standing in reaction to my own reality; for me a door has opened in the sense that I can work with this.
Through writing out the details of the issues that I had with Inconsistency (Day 450) I came to see the point that what developed in my life from seeing myself in absolute as inconsistent in my very nature had been a loss of faith in me, in my decisions, in my commitments to myself, and the point that I explored was how that belief perspective of myself had undermined my willingness to stand in Steadfastness, and I explored the point of how I had then blamed the world for this.
And yet in listening to this Life Review, a new perspective opened up: seeing that inconsistency within my self had actually been a point of honesty, an observation of my own reality; and that interpreting this as a curse or something put on me had been based on the belief that Self itself must be consistent, that seeing the inconsistency in me was showing me that there was something wrong or different about me, compared to others. And so these problems that I gave myself came out of the nature of Judgement that defines one as this or that thing, and in this case seeing the Inconsistency within my Self from one moment to another, I then saw myself as lacking. And seeing Self as something that must always be the same, it was a separation of myself in that therefore I cannot rely on me, cannot have faith in my decisions.
So here a clear example in my life in which I was comparing a definition of self that I believed in, to the self that I observed within reality, and then standing by my elevated perspective of it all, overruling my self honesty. In that a life is what it is that you decide to live, here is then a life in which the decision that’s been made by me is to live in faith with that belief, founded yes on being a better person, but at the expense of my own reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my faith in a projection of myself as being a better person than what I honestly found myself to be, as is, in different moments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the choice to live my projection of a better self consistently, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live consistency within and as living that projection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live consistency and faith within and as a projection of a better self, and that I have lived within attempting to impose that self upon my real self that is unpredictable and responds in various ways in different situations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the real self of me that is different in different situations is the real self I have to work with in these different moments.
My choice and my decision here is to learn to live Commitment to the Self that is the as is Self of me that is here in the moments of my day, and to learn to disengage myself from the projection of myself that has become so ingrained within my mind. My choice and my decision here is to disengage my faith and my consistency from this projected self and to replant it solidly as a part of my support for who I am and how I am toward my real self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as a reaction to my own reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this reaction to become ingrained in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life that is in the shadow of my own reactions to me.
I commit myself to bring these realisations and decisions into and as a part of my redefinition of Steadfast, that in Steadfastness I am steadfast in my relationship to who I am and how I respond in moments, to the real me, I am steadfast in my walking of forgiveness of myself, and consistent in support of me, that in seeing myself – as is – I can immediately work with that; a self that maybe out of line, or of accord with Life, a self that I maybe even haven’t ever seen.
“So I started with just that simple definition: staying true to the decision of accepting the difficulty and the challenges that I’m going to be facing in any given moment, and staying true to accepting the difficulty of the challenges – what does that mean – that means that when I’m facing challenging and difficult moments, that’s where I am true to myself, to see it through. To see it through: the difficulties, the challenges, the mess – not judge myself – not react, not think I should be more, better, this or that. It’s not going to help me thinking what I should be or who I should be when I am already something, is it? Just look at who you are, as is, and if you are not happy with what you are seeing, change it.” Extract from: Being True to Yourself