Day 404: Walking with SOUL, the word Dispute (4)

 

Why did I not stand up for me? A question I can open up some more, for me in support of me, acknowledging first that yes, I did not stand for me – that who I was within not standing was in fear of exposure, fear of loss – what was in such moments mattering, what matter was I standing in protection of, in which the actual matter of me became embedded as a secret to be worked around – and in that workaround to then be layered into history – and programmed into ways of being – and practiced ways of seeing things – through the frame of which I saw myself as being the victim, and within that aligning into righteousness, where in and as these postures it had become impossible for me to see the actual human beings involved, to be able to consider who they were within themselves beyond relationships that I had defined, or to be able, while going along with the experience of these definitions, to consider who I was within myself.

 

How emotional dependency comes with fear of loss of relationships in which I am defined in separation from myself, not having allowed myself to live a word for me – for my example of me, Worth, is described by the Atlanteans 303 – Emotional dependency “…is usually what causes people to not really speak up, not really support each other, not really be direct, not really be honest, because then you would compromise so many things, because you would hold onto that emotional dependency, not risk exposure…”

 

Continuing this journey into who I am within the word Dispute, in which I have been approaching a point in which first I saw a kind of outline of fear around my expression of me as anger, and then looking further into that, and seeing how the word anger in my mind became connected to the fear of the breaking of relationship, and fear of loss of the experience of Worth that the relationship provided.

 

Here is a memory that came up in me; it was a moment in which I reacted to someone’s facial gestures, where I shifted into a focus onto them, as blame, in which I believed in my interpretations, believing that I was seeing through their mask, as if I’d seen the evidence of who they really were, uncovered, and a point in which I told myself that I could not trust them any more.

 

In the memory: simply the fall of a smile that had somehow supported me for a moment, but then just dropped and fell away, like a veil, exposing a hostile expression – and yes there’s more to this considering that this person was important in my life – but looking at this memory again and my reactions, the experience was like a gift that I refused to see: this being was showing me my strings – pointing out this moment of suspension – in which dependent on approval I had given away my own authority in Worth, that I had defined an experience of self worth into that approval, yet not allowed myself to live this word for me.

 

Looking into this I begin to understand and see how it would follow out of this a world of fear – fear of my own expressions that might jeopardise my access to Worth, such as expressions of my being and life – that in support of the emotional dependence I had accepted and allowed to be suppressed and re-suppressed – that is parts of me, expressions of me, that I came to despise: here is where self hatred came to exist in my consciousness – where in and as a construct of myself I felt betrayed by forces of disruption, those spontaneous parts of me, that in my mind seemed to want to sabotage this access to Worth, that I was not allowing me to give to me…

 

 

 

 

 

Continuing next post…  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Advertisements

Day 403: Walking with SOUL, the word Dispute (3)

Redefining the word Dispute: experiment with writing, words, and a SHIRT.

 

Writing: Ready or Not, Here I Come(!) AGAIN! For me a lightness in my being comes with the grounding of the word Dispute, like a facetiousness in playing with my automations, for example, playing with the walking on eggshells presence, walking LOUDER, playing with the sound of  CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, The Three Crunches. AND, wearing a LOUD SHIRT, with many colours, rather than my accustomed, calling it, a SHADOW SUIT, because from expertise in the walking eggshells, comes out of that a sense of ghostliness, and unreality, of sliding through the world unseen.

 

Experimenting thusly(!), kind of as a simulation of a change, I walked into my local streets with my SHIRT, living Simply Here I Am, while in my mind, a Here I Am embracing me within this word Dispute, and in this Here I Am, a quiet Joy in being me, in my process of becoming me in Life, a sort of sense of space within the interactions, a sort of peace with Who I Am, where I am showing me a different life for me beyond the self hostility experience that I had programmed with the word Dispute, a life not dressed in shame of my expression in the world, a life that still exists for me to live.

 

So as the experiment proceeded (!), in which I opened up these things and walked along, in my shirt of colours, a slowing down, and in the corner of my eye, a silhouette of me that walked with me reflected in the shop-fronts, like it were reminding me that there is an outside view, and I noticed how my back was slightly straighter, and my chest, more open, like I needed to confirm inside myself of the reality of how I am experiencing myself right now reflected in my posture, reflected in the physical light.

 

And here within this confirmation, a realization of that I can change, and with that like a flashing glimpse of living my potential, was quickly followed by a pang of pain, like an urgent reminder of regret, that leaps to guard the shame of having lived as I don’t Matter, and within that accepting for my joy to not be lived, for my passion to not be shared, and for my anger at myself to be sided into judgement and blame entwined into a speedy stab of my regret, which all is justified within the frame of  I don’t Matter.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both see and not see this frame of who I am as I don’t Matter, but that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition me to only see through it and then in consequence to create a life for me accordingly.

 

So, an update of my redefining of the word Dispute: I mean in the context of Redefinition Process, I see that there exists within this word a part of me yes that was judged by me in anger, but also underneath, a part of me was standing in expression of exuberance and joy in me in sharing who I am.

 

 

…continuing next post…

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 402: Walking with SOUL: the word Dispute

The Word: Dispute (more information gathering)

  

Stepping from the drawing, and the drawing board and thence onto the building-site: physical things don’t go just this way and that way; there is always so much more involved, things that weren’t apparent in the plans and intentions.

 

Such as learning to bring the structure of a method into one’s own living life, and here specifically, with my intention to walk the structure of the method of Redefining and Living Words, where in stepping forth into a Walking phase, a new release of information unexpectedly comes up, and I see and trust that further exploration of the content of the word as it exists inside me will be supportive.

 

So it’s here now to keep a reference to the precise direction of the plan, while at the same time taking into account the reality of the terrain, where through how the word unfolds, I come to opening up more primary relationships within it, coming to a realization of a fact that I had concealed within me, of how what exists within this word for me has also in it a point of acceptance and allowance of a hatred for who I am as anger within and as the word Dispute.

 

With this realization – where I left of writing – late into the night – was one of those look into the abyss moments – of seeing to what extent this word had permeated and shaped my life, had become a part of the structure of my relationship and so experience of who I am in relationship to groups, starting with relationships to family and a record of a sort of rites of passage situation in a way in which the child takes on the family system, and rather than negotiation, there is friction.

 

Aha, the word Negotiation comes! I mean yes Negotiation would be a pretty cool thing to have around me, in my presence as I stand within the word Dispute, where in negotiation there is reference to common ground. In negotiation there is consideration of both self and other. And for me another plus within the word Negotiation is how it can be applied in simply physically negotiating paths and ways to go, as in negotiating the terrain: it is a word that already has this grounding in the physical dimension.

 

Looking at the word Negotiation, I am grateful for all its syllables, for its stability, and placing it next to the word Dispute, I see how fast the word Dispute has been for me, like open and shut, and black and white, a belief that in Dispute I must speed up, that entering the word Dispute I reference memories of emotional experience, feelings of uselessness within a turmoil of squabbling with siblings, feelings of insecurity that came along with my simulation of my father’s construct of authority, fear of a communication breakdown with my mother for whom causing her to feel upset was a serious offence. The most serious offence in a way, in my mind, because in seeing how she withdrew herself from me, in reaction to me, I accepted and allowed a hatred of this part of me.

 

 

…continuing next post…

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 401: Walking with SOUL: the Word Dispute

Walking with SOUL

The Word: Dispute

It comes as a change in me to see how the word Dispute is simply a word, having cleared a whole experience that was in it, that I had attached to it, and then lived by: that was through a whole process of looking at how I had defined myself in relation to it, and a clearing process in the sense of self forgiveness and release of the energies. See recent posts. It’s not that this is complete and absolute, there are probably other layers that will come up.

But now, walking with SOUL, I am going to share a redefining process: for me this means an exploration of the question, How can I , How do I want to,  now live this word – in this body – rather than as an emotional trigger – because I can see where that has led me – and how can I support myself with extending who I am within and as this word into my being into my physical, and all of me.

And what else can I find within this word, that could actually be something new for me, because for sure not hearing was a part of it, and so also, not seeing, and I can see now that what I called the understanding of this word was not real. I mean, it was not an understanding as such really, much, but more a familiar and routine experience of programs that I referred to in my mind as understanding.

Things I found in my relationship to Dispute seemed to involve quite a lot, the ground: an image of walking on egg shells, quietly steering round the conflict, avoiding it, fear of losing ground. And a lot of fear: fear of what effects those frequencies of Dispute might have on me, fear of losing control within a fear of escalation that was, brought back to me, a fear that  I would not be able to resist the temptation to shift into an attacking mode, and then go experiencing an aftermath of judgements onto me for losing it.

Egg shells maybe, but also more like a mine-field in a way, because the word Dispute containing suppressed anger is quite an unstable thing to bring to a situation that I have defined as a dispute. How I put my feet down on the ground, what my grounding is, where is my stability: these all are questions that would arise from this. And yet why not bring stability and grounding into the word Dispute?

So even though there may remain a tendency for anger, lets make some room for other things as well – because it’s not that the anger itself is either wrong or bad, but that my relationship towards it is full of negative judgements and negative inferiorizing definitions of myself, in which I have in fact taken part in hating me for being the way I am, and so suppressed this part of me, as these expressions of myself in anger.

And writing this, a memory comes up that shows me where for example as a child in Dispute I make a stand before my family, I am standing as a change of character in a way, defining who I am – not to go into the negative reactions that came up around this –  which I did take personally – but it shows me how Dispute was then defined by me as my stand of definition, there was the pleasure of for the first time learning to articulate myself, and learning to stand as an expression of me.

 

Ok I’ll leave it here for this post till the next.

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 400: Words, The Morning After

 

Day 400: Words, the Morning After

  

Words, the morning after. I imagine them as rinsed and clear, and in the words ‘morning after’, I remember that regret and resolution, ‘a lesson learnt’. And I am grateful for this ‘morning after’ word that stands resilient from the experience of the night before.  Like all of that amazing shit was nothing, and now here, what is real. When I look into what my presence is in that its kind of strengthened in the sense that I am more here with me, in physical fact, and I am released in a way to direct from here in simple common sense. And within that resolution there is also a perspective of there being ‘a way to go’, steps to take, physical actions that must happen.

 

So it is with words – divested of the hype of energy – where through being purified and released from this, they do not function any more as programs, and there is a morning after, and the cold light of day and regret within being so fooled within and as my definitions in which I was not here. Those words ‘the cold light of day’ evoke in me other qualities as well, like sharpness, focus, fact, precision.

 

Such as with the purifying of the word Dispute, when I see how drastically my relationship with this word has limited my life, there is regret, and I see also how that regret can become a strength within my resolution. And I realise how shy I am of facing the fact that I have drastically limited my life – the full extent of what that means – and I see how intimately ‘the full extent’ of this regret is in reference to the extent to which I am willing to embrace my own potential – where in seeing how different my life and so the world might have been without my acceptance of this programming – and at the same time allowing me to stand within a vision of having a potential – rather than in a place of having given up on it, on me in it –  then within that there is massive regret. And yet within my mind the extent of my regret seems minor, because of the extent to which I have avoided consideration of the words Utmost Potential as something I could really live.

 

So it was that in forgiving shame, even of a shame that I could not exactly put my finger on, a resistance to – doing it – came up in me, that opened up into a fear of loss, and words: ‘But I deserve the shame, what else could I replace it with?’, and backchat of: ‘You can’t go tampering with that, these things are placed here for a reason’ – thoughts saying that if I forgive the shame then I will have lost something – that compromised version of me that I am protecting and defending – that definition of myself as not good enough to come to anything much at all – that in having low expectations of myself, through that, I then diminished the regret, and suppressed the shame.

 

More on this… and what comes up, as as I walk with: Demons in the Afterlife:

https://eqafe.com/p/facing-and-forgiving-real-shame-part-1-demons-in-the-afterlife-part-76

and

https://eqafe.com/p/facing-and-forgiving-real-shame-part-2-demons-in-the-afterlife-part-77

  

 

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

 

 

Day 399: World Reversal Dissonance

Day 399: World Reversal Dissonance

 

Just the same – as quickly passing frames that make the film illusion ‘move’, the sentences of passing words maintain – the shift – we share – in separation of ourselves from Life – words that serve as processors which passing quickly stream a simulation; processors that carry out the blueprints of our definitions that we then experience as real.

 

Slowing it all down in physical breath is part of learning how to be here really – in the certainty of myself that I am Here – and so in calm to look into the words I live, see who I am within them, what I have accepted and allowed, and then release myself from the illusions that I placed into them.

 

That the world is in reverse, with both responsibility and forgiveness placed outside: that would be the lockdown, the maintenance of the shift. In a world based on the principle of Blame, self forgiveness is taboo, forgiveness being the prerogative of outside agencies, of God. Bringing Forgiveness to Self is quite audacious almost blasphemous in these conventional relationships of Self to Self that is conditioned to the world reversal. That in the world reversal, forgiveness is defined from outside in, it manifests as judgement, it is intricately spliced with the mind constructs of morality: good and bad, and right and wrong, and guilt, and righteousness, and definitions of the self within and as the sayings of scripts and energies. And yet all of these are simply wirings and renderings and distortions of the word that in its simple state is giving back to me the responsibility that I had previously given away, expanding who I am within embracing parts of me that I had judged, correcting the mistakes that I had written in my programming, and with my understanding of the principles of Life, to realign my self to life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such dissonance to exist within the word forgiveness.

 

 

Continuing from previous post: I was writing how the word Dispute had become so – charged – and dissonant – how my passage through this life had become according to my navigation round the beacons of Dispute – where the word Dispute had come to rule my life. Careful what you wish for – so it’s said – to plot a course through life in avoidance of this word, allowing it to become as systematic programming, I see how much the word is echoed in my inner world, in my relationship to me, where almost any reaction or negative energy conflict can so easily be framed within the regions of the word Dispute, and its heralds of experience of self doubt. Echoes, because the power of it is in the tiniest hint or implication of a memory of intense disruption in my mind, in sound, as an irresistible platform busting force.

 

Within that, the busted platform seemed in my mind like the end of the world, like deep within me a fear of destruction, and somewhere in all of that a fear of the consequence of allowing myself to be defined, that when that allowance comes to absolute, then all is lost, my being somehow lost without direction within the tempest of the shaken energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such beliefs and perceptions and memories of experience to exist within the word Dispute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this to believe the busted platform as the end of the world, when clearly within me I can see that a platform that can be busted is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed great anger with myself in seeing how I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined, and that I perceive myself to be trapped within the web of my self dishonesty, and within believing in that trap, that I resigned myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress this anger in me where my being is in Dispute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from this part of me that is standing in the word Dispute, to fear the experience of me standing as Dispute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own anger that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word Dispute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of anger itself as the totality of me that rages in a vacuum of my own acceptance of being defined by outside things.

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

Current Eqafe recordings that have supported me in this investigation have been the latest Demons in the Afterlife: Facing and Forgiving Real Shame 

…and a new recording from Sunette, in Self and Living: Captain Crew and Ship   

 

 

 

 

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 398: The Reality of Films

 

The Reality of Films: in a way this could be underneath more broadly, the redefinition of Entertainment, and using films for self support.

 

Something I’ve been doing in watching films is to move my focus from the narrative and onto the actors and extras with their lines and instructions: a couple of people on the sidewalk just walking along in the background, window shopping, people driving cars along, simulating traffic, or else coming together to simulate a crowd, or those two people sitting at the back of the café, the faces in the crowd, simulating characters, behaviours, a dog exactly as itself looks into the camera lens, gets filmed and framed into the story, and yet seems kind of – anomalous – within this simulated world, and welcome, to me; I like that way a dog can look at you from somewhere real.

 

As a medium that presents itself through the frame of Entertainment, as strictly surface only, the film remains reflective of our consciousness, is abundant with reflections of a deeper narrative, the cultural narrative of what is accepted and allowed as ‘how it is’, as what matters, as what is worthy, what is not, what is good, what is human, and so themes such as human supremacy, the justice of blame, the rights of personality and secret mind are so well established in the repeated daily story that they become the context in which the action happens. Even in the controlled environment of a fiction, we are exposing to ourselves in plain sight the nature of own reality, where yes we see the wanton destruction of the earth and violated rights of life, as normal, as incidental to the drive of the narrative.

 

In a way in Entertainment, it is like we stand for momentary protection of our ‘suspense of disbelief’ experience, so that the emotion/feeling thrill experience can remain front-stage in our minds. There is a Reward and Leisure construct in Entertainment, that reward being participation with the projection, participation with the drama.

 

For me, a specific point of support has been in observing who I am within reacting to a moment in a film, what it is about this hook or that hook, that might suddenly get under my skin and then cause different movements of energy and adrenalin in my body, changes in my breathing, change of focus and intensity, being suddenly on the edge of my seat, where suddenly I have taken and absorbed it personally, the projection of the film story and the projection of my own story slide over each other and match in some essential way, and I experience my own emotional dynamics, writ large, while in my internal world, what matters is suddenly clear, it still exists within this emotional experience of me, that point of mattering to me comes up, such as in the realisations that accompany a jerk of tears. Mattering: I mean here this essential experience of me entangled as it were within these points that I am seeing illustrated on the screen, that I see I am invested in, participating in, that I see I have not resolved, and in the tears I experience a temporary release of some vital issue in me that I was hardly aware of. Some vital issue: I mean like for example simulated experience of connection, or acceptance, or validation, or recognition, and only temporary, because there is no self in the projected world, in the simulation, no self connection, self acceptance, self validation, self recognition.

 

Dispute: in the world of drama, films, I experience how I have been living my definition of the word Dispute: when the narrative of the film escalates into quarrelling and exertions of blame, expressions of spite, those frequencies kind of jangle uncomfortably in my chest. Here observing me I see it is a moment in which I have shifted: I have taken it personally, that jangling in my physical body comes with this, and I am energized, magnetized in my attention that switches from the observations of the film itself, to a focus on the faces of the characters, a focus of anxiety, frustration, sort of aligning myself from moment to moment with different emotional concerns, conflicting ones, and I am caught up into it, embroiled in it. That fascination is itself like a magnetic lockdown that I have accepted and allowed in my relationship towards Dispute.

 

The interpretation of fascination: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this fascination experience by my justifications and interpretations of it, focused on the conflict that seems to exist on the screen. Seeing as this word Fascination is coming up: I commit myself to walk equal with this word as my engagement with a point, in which I do not give away my power, through which fascination takes on rigidity and stuckness and a blinkering effect, as I see I would prefer a fascination that more exists defined within the context of an awesomeness of everything one and equal, in which one specific fascination is kind of lightly touched on in a directed way, rather than like the experience of being pulled into the field of a magnet.

 

Here with the reality of film, I can use the film to support me in showing me my own projections, in this example, who and how I am with the simulation of emotional Dispute.

 

 

 

 

 

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 397: Future, Plans, and Paths, and the word Dispute.

 

“As we gradually embrace the realization that we have been here always, that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be defined, that we have accepted and allowed these definitions that we found ourselves to be, as real, so we enter now a new reality, a realization that we are responsible within having accepted life to be as predefined, and so, for seeing it in the limited way we do, and so the realization comes that it is now for us to take the evolution of ourselves in hand in redefining who we are substantially within, towards, and in relationship to all the things that make up everything…“

…from a note on Veno’s statement… Getting Definitions in Place: 2007…  Introducing Structural Resonance •

 

Future, Plans, and Paths, and the word Dispute.

 

Realising that there is something new for me in planning something to be happening in the future, I look at this and see that I have allowed myself into this word Future, that I see a way, a dawning possibility of who I am within this word, rather than in separation from it, that within this also, in the creation of a Plan, where I put order into my physical extension into time in physical steps. These words: Future, Plan, Purpose, together.

 

And I realise in this also: that I had been living the word Future as with an energetic, emotion/feeling function, like for example in the process of ‘predicting what might happen’: visions of the future tempered by a fear of conflict, and disempowerment, where in my emotional mind I refer to such a vision as if it were reality, and then decide to act, or not to act, where my actions and my movements are defined by what unfolds as a vision of the future, that is itself defined by fear of conflict, fear of confrontation, sensitive to any sign of possible dispute.

 

‘Possible Dispute’ then holds a key position in my mind, a constant probe, a constant resonance. A decision made in fear: that I required a path avoiding any circumstance that could fall into the definition of the word Dispute, where in this arrangement, fear of conflict, fear of confrontation evolved into a protection, a guide, and comfort zone. And so eventually there was evolved a Dispute alarm as a safety feature: to protect me from the experience that I had stored within Dispute, memories of the impact of argumentative, quarreling loud, dominating, raised voice, heated words – on me – that experience of being rattled, shaken up, accused, defined – memories of harsh abrasive sound.

 

In defining words and how they can then define you, I see how much my definition of Dispute, and who I am within it has been a shaping factor in my physical life, where for example, I did not stand or stay or persevere, because I saw a future of dispute, and within Dispute a fear of entering and becoming that experience of instability. Having almost like a reflex action to the word Dispute functioning as a focal point of this emotional experience, I hardly noticed how the word would be present there in the structures of inner conversation, or in my backchat, in imagined gossip, in the very notion of back-chat itself – where in view of insecurity – reviewing in my mind what I said, or did not say, or something that I did or did not do – seeing in my mind some spontaneous illustration of Dispute, designed to suit the moment, and yet not seeing the word itself that stands within it, at the source of it – and then reacting to such thoughts, imagining up experience of myself as bad or wrong or out of line, and a judgement onto who I am in that. Here is the word Dispute in action in my mind as a self manipulation point, functioning as the tether of my limitation, while at the same time defining a comfort zone of avoidance of dispute.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach these memorized experiences, and memories of destructive sounds into the word Dispute, and to gather into the word Dispute memories of vicious argument and quarreling and judgement games. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in fear of what might happen in the presence of the word Dispute, as it manifests within my mind and finds an anchorage in my attention, to fear that following the word Dispute a Pandora’s Box will open:  Confrontation, Positions, and Vicious Vehemence in frequencies of sounds that I fear will have direct and instant impact on me, in me, where I fear that I will automatically lose my grounding and control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as strategies to protect this button from being pressed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word Dispute to exist inside me in this way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defined by the word Dispute, where I am acting in avoidance of it, where I have continuously stood as avoidance of Dispute in the process of decision making and actions, where my path as me through this my life has thus been shaped and limited. Seeing the personal history/etymology of this word, I commit myself to clear this word for me, to redefine this word so that the contents are clear of these emotions. I commit myself to learn to breath and ground myself in the hearing of such frequencies of sound, where in my childhood years of designing words to live, I see I did not have perspective, tools, or understanding, and yet set up beliefs and ways to live, and coping mechanisms and within that conditioning the future, therefore I commit myself to redefine this word Dispute to equalize myself with it, to not any longer allow the word to be a trigger of these emotions, but instead to ask myself about the nature of my standing in this moment, my certainty within myself within my physical body, here.

 

 

 

 

 

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in discovering and developing their utmost potential

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life