Redefining the word Dispute: experiment with writing, words, and a SHIRT.
Writing: Ready or Not, Here I Come(!) AGAIN! For me a lightness in my being comes with the grounding of the word Dispute, like a facetiousness in playing with my automations, for example, playing with the walking on eggshells presence, walking LOUDER, playing with the sound of CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, The Three Crunches. AND, wearing a LOUD SHIRT, with many colours, rather than my accustomed, calling it, a SHADOW SUIT, because from expertise in the walking eggshells, comes out of that a sense of ghostliness, and unreality, of sliding through the world unseen.
Experimenting thusly(!), kind of as a simulation of a change, I walked into my local streets with my SHIRT, living Simply Here I Am, while in my mind, a Here I Am embracing me within this word Dispute, and in this Here I Am, a quiet Joy in being me, in my process of becoming me in Life, a sort of sense of space within the interactions, a sort of peace with Who I Am, where I am showing me a different life for me beyond the self hostility experience that I had programmed with the word Dispute, a life not dressed in shame of my expression in the world, a life that still exists for me to live.
So as the experiment proceeded (!), in which I opened up these things and walked along, in my shirt of colours, a slowing down, and in the corner of my eye, a silhouette of me that walked with me reflected in the shop-fronts, like it were reminding me that there is an outside view, and I noticed how my back was slightly straighter, and my chest, more open, like I needed to confirm inside myself of the reality of how I am experiencing myself right now reflected in my posture, reflected in the physical light.
And here within this confirmation, a realization of that I can change, and with that like a flashing glimpse of living my potential, was quickly followed by a pang of pain, like an urgent reminder of regret, that leaps to guard the shame of having lived as I don’t Matter, and within that accepting for my joy to not be lived, for my passion to not be shared, and for my anger at myself to be sided into judgement and blame entwined into a speedy stab of my regret, which all is justified within the frame of I don’t Matter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both see and not see this frame of who I am as I don’t Matter, but that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition me to only see through it and then in consequence to create a life for me accordingly.
So, an update of my redefining of the word Dispute: I mean in the context of Redefinition Process, I see that there exists within this word a part of me yes that was judged by me in anger, but also underneath, a part of me was standing in expression of exuberance and joy in me in sharing who I am.
…continuing next post…