Day 248: Overwhelmingness 2
The ‘whelm’ in overwhelmingness has a history, it has reference to a wave that overturns the boat – here, connecting this to me, this word, contained in ancient symbols as ‘letters’, preserved in the unconscious, radiating into my experience, so that ‘overwhelming’ as a place-holder gathered up a storage of remembered moments when my world turned upside down – and how the experience of that and who I was within it in the start of my behaviour, in the actions that I took and the consequence of those I did not take in time and space, in physical history, all of that as a dimension of the whelm in overwhelmingness as coming into consequence within the physical world through my actions and reactions.
So within the word itself stored my experience of ‘worlds turned upside down’, – such as moments when I was shown that I was living in a false reality – and yet rather than considering the new information, instead I reacted emotionally to it as a fear of something lost, as a grief, as a regret, where I had invested all of me into a personality that had suddenly become untenable. The foundations of the structure had been called into question.
Such as comes into my awareness a specific moment in relation to the ground I stood on – when knees sank, my projected world of family, collapsing like a fantasy of the love of my mother that I had fabricated so as to protect me from the answer to the question, which in words would be, “Why don’t you love me, Mummy?” Answering that fearful question for myself through my own projections, I had accepted and allowed an experience of myself in total disempowerment, as a negative existence, and being powerless to any longer hold the fantasy together, I fell into the powerlessness of becoming as a definition through the eyes of my mother. So, within this memory like a definition floating up towards me, it is a definition that in this powerlessness I believe I have to wear, that I have to embody, that I can’t resist it – where the solution seems to be to stop it at a distance while it still can be re-suppressed – a holding down manoeuvre – and how to do this thing – the solution to that seemingly in transcending this unacceptable belief about myself with recourse to a self empowerment with and as energy, as self judgement, wielding the powers of self attack and self disparagement, within and as a system of being at one time so much above myself and at others times so much beneath myself, each polarity feeding the other, with friction and conflict in my being a constant.
So here in this walk through specifizing ‘overwhelmingness’, I pace myself, rather than going with the temptation of moving on to other examples in a bid to gather and collect more samples so as to ‘embrace it all’ and return into the regions of generality, and so by this route return into the experience of overwhelmingness. It’s interesting because even in writing this I realise that there have been examples of ‘worlds turned upside down’ in my life in which for example the ‘everything you know is wrong’ has been like an experience of opening and of expansion – and realizing that I am tempted to move along towards it – where a positive future vision seems to consolidate the decision of postponement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the preferences of my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask myself who I am in myself in relation to what I see around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I have different preferences to my mother then I am at risk of not being amongst my mother’s preferences, and so I risk not getting her attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked by my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what definition I may or might become in not being liked by my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the situation of realizing that my mother does not like me, and within that, to fear the definition of myself that I would then become within that realization.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enslaved by my desire to be loved by my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a realization of her love of me as symbolized by her attention so that I can then love myself, accept myself, give attention to myself, value this life that is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in my imagination a false reality in which my mother loves me, so as to give myself some ground to stand on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise and understand that this ground I stand on is based within my mind and my imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power of deciding who I am in each moment to my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my trust in me into the hands of my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to impose a false reality onto my world for the sake of feeling okay about the fact of my existence, for the sake of showing interest in myself, in what I am, in how I find myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear, dismay, regret, when this illusion falls apart. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put in efforts to try and bind this illusion back together, rather than to see realise and understand what it is that I am being shown, that simply I have placed this trust in me outside of me, that this is why my support of me has been displaced by me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within my version of this overwhelmingness as an experience, a sense of ‘doom’ as of becoming a negative definition of myself according to a ‘final’ judgement of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck between releasing a suppression and reinforcing it at the same time, in which I have accepted and allowed the energy to escalate and accumulate into an experience of overwhelmingness, in which I have accepted and allowed self intimacy to be impossible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the contents of this specific memory of ‘worlds turned upside down’ to have become a part of my experience of myself in current life, in which the word of overwhelmingness contains such memories that contain and preserve a fear of self intimacy.
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
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