Day 384: The words Care, Obligation, and Sacred

April 23, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Day 384: Care, Obligation, and Sacred

Here I continue with further Self Forgiveness statements and release of energies within how I have personally lived the word Care: and how early in my life that I have put structures into it, how I have used it in the backchat/self definition of ‘I don’t care’. Here sharing also outlines of a mind construct that I accepted and allowed to exist within me, around this point of Care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat script of ‘I don’t care’ as a point of self manipulation; and within that, the blame of ‘you don’t care [for me]’, and ‘you should care [for me]’ And then ‘I refuse to care for me as an example of what you’ve done, to make you feel bad.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put this thought into application. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate the consequence of living out this sentence through my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak out with my mother, and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to mention my expectations, or why I was so angry. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I was in front of my mother in my emotions and my expectations. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really look at who I was within that shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store memories in my mind of an image of my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep such an image in my mind, as an effigy, as a trophy of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this trophy as a source of justification in my mind, in the resonance of I don’t care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in holding on to this blame to have become rigid and disempowered in the presence of the word care in my life, not seeing realizing or understanding how I had made this so. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an illusion in my mind of a stance of retaliation, as an illusion of independence within the intonation of these words ‘I don’t care’ within my mind, as righteousness in which I am declaring also my freedom from the lies deception and manipulations that through victim’s eyes I saw being done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed righteousness to exist within me, a righteousness that has no reference to physical reality, in which I have defined myself as separate to life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to a memory of this righteousness experience in myself with the script of ‘I don’t care’, that in embodying it for a moment, I define myself as dismissive of these things, distractions, thoughts; deliberately ignoring, refusing to consider me or others, and within that, standing for a moment as a memory of this victory over care illusion, as if I had outed the deception of an other being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I expressed myself directly, that I would destroy the relationship with my mother. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was bad, so not deserving of approval, if I caused a bad reaction in her. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my father’s wrath, should this happen. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear, to have become disempowered within myself, and that within and as that fear and in that disempowerment that I resorted to the ways of manipulation, operating within that manipulation as a decision to live dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel this contempt into a manipulation with the intention of making my mother feel bad, feel guilty, so that I could validate myself as a victim and as victorious, and so, win. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sentence me to a life in which through saying the words ‘I don’t care’ I am standing justified in self abuse, and self neglect, just as a result of this reaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this justification in my mind as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be made to feel things by others, and within that, that I am not responsible for what I feel. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as an extension of this belief, a world of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect images of Holy Mother and Child to the word Care, and then to make of that an experience in my mind, and an expectation of my mother, and that in my mind, I accepted and allowed myself to believe this to be an obligation: I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was obliged to give me this experience.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself judge my mother that she, in my projections, broke this obligation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this to have believed that this was a breach of something sacred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Sacred as an experience inside me as something that must be protected immediately and at all costs, regardless of the damage. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered by this word, that I have accepted and allowed this word Sacred to control my actions, that I have accepted and allowed this word to become a starting point of me in my reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this system, immediate argumentative attacking responses to protect a lie, while projecting out a world of lies and judgement and malignance, and blaming out at other beings in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created programs for me to live that are initiated in this word Sacred. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a certain kind of backchat to be supported by this vehement emotion, judgement, spite, cutting down, undermining, and all of it – for the Sake of Sacred – so as not move, not to have exposed the guilty secret, to not have to look at it face on, that I in fact depend upon this experience of care that I have imagined to exist, that I then imagined in my mind to have been lost.

SOUL – The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 383: Care and Matter 3

April 21, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

…continuing from recent posts… in which I have been looking at how I have defined and lived the word Care, finding an entrance to the word through seeing myself within the back-chat script of ‘I don’t care’, where in an everyday distraction I enact the shrugging off – and the declaration of a definition of myself – as in who I am in ‘I don’t care’ instead of where a simple directive Stop to these distractions would have been effective. It brings the question up of this: Do I really any more need to rouse a personality to cause this stopping in me?

So here a view of a line of back-chat as the seemingly incidental and everyday personal little moment, like the little peak of an iceberg, while down below, layers and structures of beliefs and self manipulations…

Standing back from ‘I don’t care’, I see it’s like a sample of an argument, that in myself that I have accepted and allowed that I need support in the process of moving me, that in needing some kind of a stance, I was accepting and allowing a belief that I could not just simply move myself.

Here, focused on the ‘I don’t care’ backchat moment where I choose to shrug it off, a build up of thoughts and pressures and distractions around making a decision, believing in my mind that by trivializing it, through I don’t care, that I had really in fact made it smaller, or less effective: that according to my judgements it is real that part of me ‘does not matter’ is not worthy to be considered in equality: that is like a frame through which to see one’s own suppressive activities, a manipulation into somehow being ok with: so therefore not to look much closer at it, but instead, moving quickly on, as if walking out of that discussion in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and be aware of my own insecurity as me as an experience within my own authority, where not seeing that rather than standing and giving myself the space to ask the question of who I am within this, what my purpose is, I have instead allowed myself to rather refer my own authority quickly to the lines of backchat in which I am defined already as a simulation, so that I do not have to face this insecurity inside me, so that I do not have to face myself in seeing that I am insecure within my own authority as me, and therefore need to look into that, or seeing that I am living an assumption of a narrative of who I am, that I know within my self is questionable, where rather than embracing this, I have instead created in my mind a scenario of discussions for me to blame, and within that feel victimized by. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings of righteousness within the trivialization and shrug-off aspects of ‘I don’t care’ that I have accepted and allowed as the declaration of a habitual relationship to parts of me within my mind, and within my body where I have conditioned in my body these reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own mind as in being as separated from it, as an object of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made and stood within a judgement of manipulation and deception and that within that have not allowed myself to see myself within the acts of self manipulation as well as the manipulation of others in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self deception, my self manipulations. Within that I forgive myself that I have held against my own forgiveness of myself, that I have drawn a veil of judgement across my seeing of these things that I’ve become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of my own self-judgements in seeing how I have designed these aspects of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require this fear relationship for the purposes of self deception. I forgive myself for who I am within this system, standing for and as I don’t care, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a negative experience in relation to care, like in a gesture to stop the existence of care, as in an act of magic, as in an act of defiance, becoming like this one dimension that cannot be moved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word Care as being a deceptive word and one that I must protect myself from: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to these perceptions that I accepted and allowed as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within seeing the word Care as being deceptive, that I am holding Care to blame for the way I feel… therefore seeing that how this came to be, as well as ‘won’t be fooled again’, are both derived from the bubble and the break-down of that, that I lived as care possession, in which I gradually expanded a desire for the experience of care, into a fantasy world of this experience, like in my mind something emotional and spiritual, like an idea in my mind of mother love, that secretly though she could not express it, that secretly she could see who I was, that she liked the way that I was turning into me, so that somewhere in my life even far away there was this point within my mind of support. Although school life and family life were both in reality full of conflict, and becoming more so, I sort of floated along amongst it all, buoyed up with things like, It’ll be ok, and, It’ll all work out, as aspects of this care experience that I imagined to exist.

As it happened, in reality, in a period of a few months, my parents moved away and separated, my father died, the children all dispersed, there was no home, and I was out of school: all of these physical support systems that had previously gone unnoticed in a way, were now together, like the proverbial rug being pulled out from under me. I dared not express the anger that I felt towards my mother, I feared the depth and force of my own rage, in seeing that she could just allow herself to walk away, and not respond to me, while what I accepted and allowed for me was to take this personally and resonate my anger as blame towards the parents, family, home, school and friends and education: It’s all a lie! None of it is real! And towards that word Care: it was a lie, it was not real, and, I won’t be fooled again. I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed myself to be playing games of who’s fooling who within myself within my mind within my life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this sentence as a primary relationship towards the world, as being: You do not care about me, therefore as revenge for what you’ve done to me, I will not care about me either, so that I can be an example of the consequence of what you’ve done. Kind of, Take that, slamming the door in my own face. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy my own relationship of care to me as self support for the sake of a feeling of exaltation and righteousness within this spite reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the word Care to blame, and grateful to myself that I have allowed myself to see this point, and I commit myself to release the blame that I have invested into Care. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto so tightly my personal definitions of care so as not to undermine the basis of my blame, and within that to accept and allow that I might be responsible within all of this, in which everything that I have defined myself to be might then possibly not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of stepping down as ego.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of loss as who I am within movement of this stand of blame, and I commit myself to release this fear of loss that I have accepted and allowed to bind me, and I commit myself to release myself from the limitation of this stance, and statue in a way, that I became within reaction to collapse of Care as I had defined it, and as I had defined myself within becoming as an objection to it.

I forgive myself that in standing as an objection to Care and within that defying a principle of life that I have accepted and allowed a level of guilt within myself, a level of judgement on myself that who I am is bad or wrong, that I cannot immediately simply step from ‘I should care’ to actually living it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form this expectation from myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate a guilt in me as me for the sake of holding on to ‘I don’t care’ this definition of who I am within a stance of blame. Therefore I commit myself to let go of this guilt and instead forgive myself that I have made mistakes in my creations, that in releasing of this blame, I recognize my own responsibility and I re-empower myself to change the way things are in how I have defined myself in relation to Care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define care from a starting point of a desire for the experience of care, in which I lived within ‘I cannot give this to myself’, ‘This is something that I need from others.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this for me to define care as a feeling, as an energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this energy, to not see how in addiction that I am open to manipulation within these points. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within exposing to myself how I’ve become susceptible to manipulation with being enslaved to care, as well as judging me in seeing me also in manipulation of another within simulating care not as an expression of myself but as an idea, as a construct in my mind.

I commit myself to clear these structures that I have placed in Care.

Day 382: Stop

April 20, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

…Continuing here further into the corruptions of Care that I have accepted and allowed to exist within my very definitions of myself in my living of this word within this life, that has consequently shaped my life, that has infiltrated into all the details of my relationships to the world.

So here I continue with another of the ways that I have stood to sabotage this word, more details of this sabotage, wherein deconstructing them I can then deliberately clear and purify this word, because I see and realise that the potentiality of this word to penetrate and infiltrate throughout communication, throughout interaction, throughout relationships of beings… I see for me to really deliberately stand for that, then what I have to do is firstly clear this word for me, in support of me enabling myself to live this word as redefined.

Self forgiveness on the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’, and replacing them with instead, directly, Stop.

Stop: the new improved directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have these backchats exist within me: the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ in which I have accepted and allowed through my attention onto them a go ahead to me within and as these personality designs that stem from backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these personalities to be carriers of my own authority in my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to habitually seek support from personalities as my own design of manipulated movement of me, rather than simply me directing me to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conjure up in a way the presence in my mind of these designs, within which I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to be seeking an experience of validation through which in consequence I am accustomed to being stopped, rather than as simply stopping me with the directive Stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ to have become engrained into me as tools, in internal conversation, as part of my approach to controlling of the energies that arise within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety in connection to my own authority within myself.

I forgive myself that in my mind by listening to these backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ that I am referring to an authority that still is placed within these personalities. I commit myself to deconstruct these personalities that are represented in my mind by the references of the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’, to deconstruct and to understand and realign these postures that I have lived as me, these relationships to energy that I see and realise are the legacies of the consciousness that I have inherited and lived.

When and as I am in decision making and I become suddenly conflicted, overwhelmed, when that situation comes up where the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ come up in me, instead I say Stop, I breathe, I do not accept this backchat prompting, I do not accept this validation of authority that is separate from me, I do not accept this insecurity anxiety as part of who I am within authority itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my own authority into the systems that I have accepted and allowed to operate within me, that I have given my consent to go ahead and act for me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that in this consent what I am preserving in me is that I can continue to not be here with me in this moment, but somewhere dormant in my mind.

I commit myself to be present in my decision making processes. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in listening to the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ to be accepting of habitual sabotage in my decision making, in which I have become addicted to that experience of validation through these personalities. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be standing for and as self sabotage in these everyday moments in my life, in which accepting habits such as this I make way once again for procrastination.

continuing next post…

Day 381: Collapse of Care, and ‘Not Be Fooled Again!’

April 19, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Day 381: Collapse of Care, and ‘Not Be Fooled Again!’

Interesting to explore a memory of a time – that comes up in the presence of the word Care – a time in which I had to clear the table and in some ways start again – even though the physical notebooks from 44 years ago have gone – the practice of writing, back then, has preserved some detailed means of access to the memories of those times: a glimpse into specific details of what my thoughts were like, my relationships to things, and to myself. For me there was a personal historic watershed: a world before and a world after the collapse of Care, where I had created care as a bubble in which to live, and that bubble had popped dramatically: so as I begin to explore these things what comes up here is this memory, that shows to me this clearing-of-the-table process that was necessary for me.

So, closing in here and almost looking through the eyes of a young and twenty me: with a view across the wooden surface of a table – where my elbows rested – a place where I would take stock of things going on inside of me. A sort of home ground in the clear simplicity of a wooden tabletop, or of my notebook, or of the scattering of objects that had accumulated here in the consequence of this day, also at the same time an arrangement of expressions telling tales of how this came to be like this; a gesture in the positioning of a teaspoon, in how it came to rest, a skid mark in that ring of water from a glass, a pencil knocked askew, a knot shaped like an eye in the wood grain, and across the surface of the table a patina of marks of history, telling tales of long ago in blond and amber layers of the summers and the winters.

Here was a place of stability for me, a place in which I could create stability, a breathing space, a place in which there was for me if not an intimacy, then in company with the physical stability. Looking at this now I see how much delighted I was in the obvious definition let’s say, of things, such as in the example in front of me in my sphere of attention, a red plastic lighter: I mean clearly edged, consistent, complete, clearly itself, persistently that lighter. And then in one of these memories, touching it, moving it slightly, adjusting it, or from the shiny ring of water, a shiny trail of finger play, that playing of a question in my mind of how such things could constitute a form of reasoning. How to read the nature of the world directly was like an ongoing question in my mind, I was on the lookout for the language of reality itself.

What I could not see then but can see now is who I was within that question, mystified within the very words that I was living, and in a way in a point of blame towards the words, perceiving them to only somehow reach into this world, or else to be referring to a world unseen, not seeing that it was me who had defined myself within those words in feelings and emotions, that it was me that had invested me as energy into the words that I was living, that in me had accumulated an emotional reality in my perception, that it was through me that my definitions of myself within and as the words, that I did not have a point of application.

Yet while accepting that consequential reality that was premised on my abdication, I sought for ways to articulate it, such as with painting, to somehow feel my way into reasoning of some kind. It’s interesting how I was determined ‘to not be fooled again’, to not accept a false reality, to get to the bottom of things, at this point in my life, not seeing how really at that time, I was fooling me; I was looking through the frame of my own personal reality at a world that seemed across a gulf, separate from me.

Although for me ‘to not be fooled again’ came out of spite reactions, blame towards having things done, and not done unto me, where I had broken off relations – and treated this as such a disaster – I see now something different, that this collapsing bubble was actually supportive to me, and that in some ways I could handle the support; it enabled me to look at fundamental things that I had previously taken for granted, as it set me on an independent process of investigation. And in other ways I could not handle the support: that aspect of being set down on my feet on the outside of this comfort zone, it’s like reality breaks the egg shell open to assist my birth into the world, and I am furious about the damage to my home!

Continuing next post…

Grateful to Desteni for the support and for the tools with which to see these things.

Day 380: Care and Matter 2

April 16, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ 2 Comments

Dismayed and dis-made: seeing so many systems I have lived as I look into my memories where in self forgiveness and release of emotional energies, and through that, drawing back the veils, a more realistic history of me emerges that altogether shows to me a me I had not recognized before – dismayed that things were not as I had cracked them up to be – and seeing these things dis-made I am seeing also ‘non of that was real’ not as an emotional point as I had done in the past, but as a point of realization also, that I may not feel too good about it, but at least it is real, truly me.

So within dismay also the realization of a hope collapsing, that my good-light view of me could pass before my eyes as real. And within dismay that none of that was real, there was a point of seeing how I had attempted to be supporting that which was unreal with a hope that I could somehow make it real, and so not have to step down from it. Seeing that in my memories I had made a version of events in which I looked to me better than I was: the innocent, the victim, the one on higher ground, the reasonable one – and standing back from all of that, I am seeing how even in the secret mind I had made up versions of myself so as to justify myself to me, not seeing how I needed this agenda, how and in what way I needed this, and who I was within this need.

Continuing from Day 379…

The transition of I don’t care into It doesn’t matter: and their relationship to management of guilt, where what I found was that in and as the feeder of the guilt addiction was my fear to let go of the definition of myself according to the hostile judgements of myself that I had made and lived so many systems out of, and from – where I found a Solution being to choose for me how to live as love for me, and in a way to redefine from scratch.

In looking into and seeing a doubt in that, a resistance, a kind of flimsiness, where a love for me seemed difficult to embrace, with memories of having let myself down, as if inevitably; thus a question came up in me, how can I embrace for me in support of me, the tough in tough love?

In seeing that in love redefined in equality of having the aspect of not accepting and allowing from me anything less than the best of me in this moment, then this question opens up a perspective of how instead of toughness in saying no to things that do not support me that I have justified a reality in which I have let it happen, where this ‘letting it happen’ has gradually become a part of me.

Here is No as an act of love, with love not as a thrill of energy or a spiritual feeling, but as a strength in self support. So in moving myself instead of being moved at the opening of my guilt patterns, such as when this I don’t care declaration comes up, I commit to this No as an act of love to me, a No that is neither positive nor negative but is simply directive. Such a commitment also is an application of real Care, and a recognition of my real self by me which was the experience that I wanted from being small, the experience of care, of being cared for, of being valued, recognized, that out of spite I chose to not give myself.

Seeing that, instead now I give to me that recognition that I wanted, and walk a careful No in relation to this pattern. Within this I look at who I am within myself in the action of directing me, that is not letting me down, not any more me letting myself down in servicing the guilt, but is instead supportive.

Continuing in next post…

Day 379: Care and Matter

April 15, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

I don’t Care and It doesn’t Matter: Here looking into the conflict that I have accepted and allowed to exist as who I am within the word Care, and in relation to Care.

Many instances of relationships to the word Care turn up in my explorations of how I have defined myself in various words, or in relationship with those words. Currently I am discovering how many times over I have defined myself in opposition to Care – many, well, millions of times – I have made decisions involving the use and abuse of the word Care, decisions in which my assumptions of the meaning of the word actually were instead looking closer, more like a familiar experience of a certain blend of emotions, that in my mind I labeled as ‘Care’.

Like many of the crucial words of my life, I utilized them from an emotional core of meaning in the very constructs that I accepted and allowed and then lived, and so through the perspectives of those constructs I was living as, I could not see this. So I have found my abuses of this word to play a part in many instances of decision Care to have a depth to it in coming from within my definitions of myself, as an enabler of personality designs, as a personality in itself, as a possession, as cathartic in decision making processes.

Examples of this have been in for example walking Diligence: what I found was that this component of Care that I had placed within the word Diligence that I had decided to live, and then allowed myself to fall down in, when came up in my backchat in a sabotaging moment in the form of ‘I don’t care’; and in the example of the word Obligation also, in which the ‘I don’t care’ acted as final refusal, superior to reason.

In seeing and being shown how Care itself defines a relationship to the world, both within and without, that it is like a manifestation of the principle of life, of doing as you would be done unto, then what I see when I start looking into the reality of me within my words, what I see is something very different from that to exist, in the decision of – instead, not doing that – and, in a way getting off on defying life, for all those energetic reasons, then the definition of care in the how of how those words are used, applied, approached, is not in relation to the physical world but to my emotions, to my projections, and in the service of my energetic constructs. Just in this I see a serious problem in putting into application ‘doing as you would be done unto’ while the word I live as Care remains unredefined, predominantly energized, and without connections to the physical world, to the reality of Life.

In looking at how I have defined myself in Care, I see how I have used it habitually in defense or in denial, as in the backchat statement of ‘I don’t care’, and in the physicality of the shrug and shrugging off maneuver, where through various manipulations, Care had been distorted into a reference to the experience of ‘pressure’ from the outside, or pressure from the conscience, pressure of some expectation, pressure from some system or another, into and as a burden of some kind: and so within and as that, justifying ‘I don’t Care’ as a reference to some pre-existent blame, where in this I have attached an energy to Care, so that when I access this, what I am accepting and allowing is a function of my own persuasion systems, , standing as that blame, that leads me back into the comfort zone of righteousness and guilt. Standing as a character of I don’t Care then for a moment I manipulate myself into disregard of all objections, being ok with what I’m doing, and then to go into the toleration of it within the softening of the guilt with ‘It doesn’t matter’.

That ‘It’ in ‘It doesn’t matter’: How have I learned to be so blasé with what is essentially contained within that word It? Where within this, what I see is that I have accepted and allowed a total disheartening of me, kind of by the by, where I have accepted and allowed a heartlessness in how that I asserted definitions on myself, such as with self judgements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me this experience of disheartening, in which becoming Disheartened itself, I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of how I feel with how I have accepted and allowed myself to treat myself.

Classroom I don’t care: Looking at a memory that was from an experience in the classroom, in a moment of admiration for a person saying out loud “I don’t care!” They were shrugging off the rules, the fear of breaking rules. In that moment who I was within such admiration was like seeing a magic formula within the expression of “I don’t care”, that it could be applied in such a way, that in saying this, I might evoke that confidence within myself that I saw in this person, that I might too shake off the rules and expectations that were constantly overwhelming me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘I don’t care’ to become functional as permission for the system, to ease me into going for the temptation, the energy reward. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the statement “I don’t care” a trigger of experience within me, experience of self righteousness and superiority, oblivious to consequence and to the worlds of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within the statement “I don’t care” as standing for ‘freedom’ in this as ‘my-life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within my experience of myself within the statement of “I don’t care” a perspective of time in which the only time is now within this bubble: that there exists no other time but now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this statement, declaration of “I don’t care” as a reaction of disregard for the concerns of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and to embody a personality of ‘I don’t care’, in retaliation to care, that who I am is superior within not caring, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this as an evidence of Freedom, that in standing as this personality I feed an image in my mind of who I am as ‘Free’.

Continuing in next post…

Day 378: Narratives of Guilt

April 9, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Continued…

The narratives of a future of continued guilt are the narratives in which all goes wrong, all will fail, will come to nothing, these are the types of backchat that are carried in this guilt; the pre-programmings of a future life of guilt, where rising up in the course of a day there would be a drag back, like something always pulling back, a reluctance, while within and as this pattern I had not noticed how I had been channeling my anger as contempt for me in living as the definition and recipient of these hostile judgements – where I had accepted and allowed this, like a constant dipping into a dark resource of motivation, reacting to the who I am as bad and wrong and those things – and so through judgements then, find ways to access guilt, and so then to walk the practiced patterns of my management of that, those patterns being like giving up with visions of futility, like hiding from that world in which all is left but to demonstrate again that everything will go wrong, or else not bother, get that energetic tired thing up, and slide into depression.

It’s interesting in a way that the guilty personality depends upon being fed by judgements, because there is a new aspect for me in this realization: that in forgiving me in my instances of self judgement, in my propensity for self judgement, forgiving me for my acceptance and allowance of participating in this judgement, there is an aspect that I hadn’t seen, in which while I forgive myself in this, I have not looked at how at the same time I still accept myself to be dependent on these judgements so as to feed and activate the familiar ground of guilt, where I ‘know’ in my mind what to do and how to deal with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy experience of guilt, and within that how I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on my access to self judgement in order to constantly supply the guilt with the fuel of my reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within this point, where I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as victimized by these judgements, when there is a reality beneath this in which I am secretly responding to a need I have myself constructed and designed to feed this guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require being triggered by self-judgement so as to feed this personality of guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me guilt experience as a backdoor in my mind, where returning to the patterns that I have lived have seemed attractive like a form of safety, I forgive myself that within this I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something different in my life.

Continuing next post…

Day 377: Egg Shells, and Guilt

April 8, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Day 377: Egg Shells, and Guilt

Not wanting to be here – in the hot spot – wanting to disappear through the floor, wanting to run away, not wanting to move; all of those conflicting messages that are in the actual muscles ready to be activated and enacted. Removing layers of guilt I become aware of that walking-on-eggshells experience in my legs and feet: a sort of juddering of hesitations, and in the touching of the ground a tentative commitment.

What could be just a simple physical flow of walking and transitions of the body weight, seems full of interferences, so that with my ongoing processes of investigation of these layers of guilt, I also kind of gently push my intention of simply walking for me as me down through my legs and feet and into a different relationship or meeting with the Earth, and in this walking exercise, sometimes I have to stop for a moment because I realise that through some thought distraction that I have once again allowed the walking habit to take over, so it’s a breathe, come back, and be here simply moment, and so continue into the next step.

There is not only the peeling off of layers of guilt from the past, as in debunking false premises and foundations of structures I have lived, but there is also ongoingly the stopping of creation of new layers, such as in not any more listening to the backchats and responding to them in the habitual cycles of the construct, where having blamed the world that I have become like a trespasser in it, and in being as guilt I stand with this belief: about my nature, that who I am is inherently wrong or bad, that my step upon the Earth is therefore not legitimate.

Within this practice of my walking there is also this new point for me: that being moved by emotion I have not learned yet who I am directly in a way that would simply move my legs and walking as an exercise of self support. For me there is a ‘It’s a new day in existence’ sort of context in the lifting of these layers, being unsure what exactly that it is beneath addictions to the guilt, beneath the premise of this badness nature, that I have so invested in and exploited, and made a system out of: and at first it was a leap into, Well, therefore I must love myself, respect myself, see me in the context of so many lives, thoughts like that, and yet looking at the word Love I question is this even really the word for what it is? How can I make that assumption when I have not lived this word for me as me?

And yet what I know is within my body is a lifting of spirits, a relaxation of the diaphragm, a more expansive breath and breadth, the possibility of seeing myself in a new light, with a new respect. So there is like this looking at the new day in which I am not sure exactly how I’ll go along, where it might lead to, what might happen, like it’s kind of in a way a different world, a lighter one, a new dispensation, a new relationship to the physical body, and through that, to the world, literally a new day on Earth. So a new day also within a question to myself that contains a new potential of What shall I do now in the world that is not the same to me, where I see that I have lived this sentence that has been a sentence of abuse that seemed at one time to me according to my understanding of my mind, as the only way to go, rather than, What shall I do within this separation that I have accepted and allowed, how shall I be me in what I do, in how I am with me, in how I walk into this world, into this physical phase of my existence.

Continuing next post…