Day 379: Care and Matter
I don’t Care and It doesn’t Matter: Here looking into the conflict that I have accepted and allowed to exist as who I am within the word Care, and in relation to Care.
Many instances of relationships to the word Care turn up in my explorations of how I have defined myself in various words, or in relationship with those words. Currently I am discovering how many times over I have defined myself in opposition to Care – many, well, millions of times – I have made decisions involving the use and abuse of the word Care, decisions in which my assumptions of the meaning of the word actually were instead looking closer, more like a familiar experience of a certain blend of emotions, that in my mind I labeled as ‘Care’.
Like many of the crucial words of my life, I utilized them from an emotional core of meaning in the very constructs that I accepted and allowed and then lived, and so through the perspectives of those constructs I was living as, I could not see this. So I have found my abuses of this word to play a part in many instances of decision Care to have a depth to it in coming from within my definitions of myself, as an enabler of personality designs, as a personality in itself, as a possession, as cathartic in decision making processes.
Examples of this have been in for example walking Diligence: what I found was that this component of Care that I had placed within the word Diligence that I had decided to live, and then allowed myself to fall down in, when came up in my backchat in a sabotaging moment in the form of ‘I don’t care’; and in the example of the word Obligation also, in which the ‘I don’t care’ acted as final refusal, superior to reason.
In seeing and being shown how Care itself defines a relationship to the world, both within and without, that it is like a manifestation of the principle of life, of doing as you would be done unto, then what I see when I start looking into the reality of me within my words, what I see is something very different from that to exist, in the decision of – instead, not doing that – and, in a way getting off on defying life, for all those energetic reasons, then the definition of care in the how of how those words are used, applied, approached, is not in relation to the physical world but to my emotions, to my projections, and in the service of my energetic constructs. Just in this I see a serious problem in putting into application ‘doing as you would be done unto’ while the word I live as Care remains unredefined, predominantly energized, and without connections to the physical world, to the reality of Life.
In looking at how I have defined myself in Care, I see how I have used it habitually in defense or in denial, as in the backchat statement of ‘I don’t care’, and in the physicality of the shrug and shrugging off maneuver, where through various manipulations, Care had been distorted into a reference to the experience of ‘pressure’ from the outside, or pressure from the conscience, pressure of some expectation, pressure from some system or another, into and as a burden of some kind: and so within and as that, justifying ‘I don’t Care’ as a reference to some pre-existent blame, where in this I have attached an energy to Care, so that when I access this, what I am accepting and allowing is a function of my own persuasion systems, , standing as that blame, that leads me back into the comfort zone of righteousness and guilt. Standing as a character of I don’t Care then for a moment I manipulate myself into disregard of all objections, being ok with what I’m doing, and then to go into the toleration of it within the softening of the guilt with ‘It doesn’t matter’.
That ‘It’ in ‘It doesn’t matter’: How have I learned to be so blasé with what is essentially contained within that word It? Where within this, what I see is that I have accepted and allowed a total disheartening of me, kind of by the by, where I have accepted and allowed a heartlessness in how that I asserted definitions on myself, such as with self judgements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me this experience of disheartening, in which becoming Disheartened itself, I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of how I feel with how I have accepted and allowed myself to treat myself.
Classroom I don’t care: Looking at a memory that was from an experience in the classroom, in a moment of admiration for a person saying out loud “I don’t care!” They were shrugging off the rules, the fear of breaking rules. In that moment who I was within such admiration was like seeing a magic formula within the expression of “I don’t care”, that it could be applied in such a way, that in saying this, I might evoke that confidence within myself that I saw in this person, that I might too shake off the rules and expectations that were constantly overwhelming me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘I don’t care’ to become functional as permission for the system, to ease me into going for the temptation, the energy reward. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the statement “I don’t care” a trigger of experience within me, experience of self righteousness and superiority, oblivious to consequence and to the worlds of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within the statement “I don’t care” as standing for ‘freedom’ in this as ‘my-life’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within my experience of myself within the statement of “I don’t care” a perspective of time in which the only time is now within this bubble: that there exists no other time but now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this statement, declaration of “I don’t care” as a reaction of disregard for the concerns of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and to embody a personality of ‘I don’t care’, in retaliation to care, that who I am is superior within not caring, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this as an evidence of Freedom, that in standing as this personality I feed an image in my mind of who I am as ‘Free’.
Continuing in next post…
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