Dismayed and dis-made: seeing so many systems I have lived as I look into my memories where in self forgiveness and release of emotional energies, and through that, drawing back the veils, a more realistic history of me emerges that altogether shows to me a me I had not recognized before – dismayed that things were not as I had cracked them up to be – and seeing these things dis-made I am seeing also ‘non of that was real’ not as an emotional point as I had done in the past, but as a point of realization also, that I may not feel too good about it, but at least it is real, truly me.
So within dismay also the realization of a hope collapsing, that my good-light view of me could pass before my eyes as real. And within dismay that none of that was real, there was a point of seeing how I had attempted to be supporting that which was unreal with a hope that I could somehow make it real, and so not have to step down from it. Seeing that in my memories I had made a version of events in which I looked to me better than I was: the innocent, the victim, the one on higher ground, the reasonable one – and standing back from all of that, I am seeing how even in the secret mind I had made up versions of myself so as to justify myself to me, not seeing how I needed this agenda, how and in what way I needed this, and who I was within this need.
Continuing from Day 379…
The transition of I don’t care into It doesn’t matter: and their relationship to management of guilt, where what I found was that in and as the feeder of the guilt addiction was my fear to let go of the definition of myself according to the hostile judgements of myself that I had made and lived so many systems out of, and from – where I found a Solution being to choose for me how to live as love for me, and in a way to redefine from scratch.
In looking into and seeing a doubt in that, a resistance, a kind of flimsiness, where a love for me seemed difficult to embrace, with memories of having let myself down, as if inevitably; thus a question came up in me, how can I embrace for me in support of me, the tough in tough love?
In seeing that in love redefined in equality of having the aspect of not accepting and allowing from me anything less than the best of me in this moment, then this question opens up a perspective of how instead of toughness in saying no to things that do not support me that I have justified a reality in which I have let it happen, where this ‘letting it happen’ has gradually become a part of me.
Here is No as an act of love, with love not as a thrill of energy or a spiritual feeling, but as a strength in self support. So in moving myself instead of being moved at the opening of my guilt patterns, such as when this I don’t care declaration comes up, I commit to this No as an act of love to me, a No that is neither positive nor negative but is simply directive. Such a commitment also is an application of real Care, and a recognition of my real self by me which was the experience that I wanted from being small, the experience of care, of being cared for, of being valued, recognized, that out of spite I chose to not give myself.
Seeing that, instead now I give to me that recognition that I wanted, and walk a careful No in relation to this pattern. Within this I look at who I am within myself in the action of directing me, that is not letting me down, not any more me letting myself down in servicing the guilt, but is instead supportive.
Continuing in next post…
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