Day 446: The word that is my Name

Day 446: The word that is my Name

Talking of Dimensional beings in their processes of starting to define themselves personally in who they are, The Cloud, in The Power in Your Own Name, says this:

“….what they first and foremost did was familiarize themselves with [the question]: What is my Name? The name that, yes, you may have been given, but it’s like the same with anything else, you’ve been given a name, you’ve been given a life, you’ve been given a mind, you’ve been given a body, but everyone mostly thinks that that makes you a victim to it all, but it actually places you in the greatest position of power; when you have been given something, you have it, it is here, you have the power to do something about it. And you really do; it’s all about perspective, it’s all about how you look at things. And I mean if we take it back into on a very deep existential philosophical level, if you will, in the principle of Life, that we are all inter-connected and of Life: you have given yourself this, this name, this body, this mind, this life. So it’s like you kind of ask yourself, Why? But not a why in a victimized or disempowered state – what is the More to it, what is my role position and purpose in the context of life as a whole, as a collective?”

How can it be possible to reach out for and embrace the life which so obviously I already am, when at the same time there exists as who I am my absolute acceptance of a stance of victimhood to life itself and to pre-programming, a stance I have embodied in so many forms of blame towards the all and everything of me: my name, my upbringing, my history on Earth, my generation, my perspectives of the circumstance of being here, everything of who I am, couched in blame, with a sort of focus of this all, as standing as a flame of righteousness, as the ‘I’ experience, that itself denies the obvious truth of me, that I am here, that I am of this life, that my very substance here is no different to the life I blame.

Redefining the word that is my Name: a word that I’ve been living as: first comes the question: What is in this word that I have accepted and allowed to be there, and lived, as a reference to who I am? So as to open up, gain access to, the Name I Stand in, I must firstly face within it, as with all words, what it is I’ve lived. Before I redefine myself within and as this word, what must I first release?

What would the way be, into my own name, is there an opening here for me, or am I myself the opening, my name as folded round me in this life till now, arranged to be so that I cannot simply just walk straight in. As I write the words that convey that, I remember those feelings as a child – of being seen right through – and as I look at that, I see that what I was interpreting was coming from a starting-point of accepting and allowing and so trusting who and what I was to be defined through the eyes of others, and following from that how much I then accepted and allowed myself to be a victim to a quality of mutability that I came to see as part of me.

Why that would be so in my mind would be down to fate, where in asking such a question I accepted and allowed my own mythology of being fated to this life, of being in myself of the shape of water, taking on the outline of the vessels that were imposed, by what I saw as being the perceptions of other beings around me, and the feelings that I had about this apparent circumstance were of a kind of bitterness, that I did not want to go there, or to re-experience, by looking too far into it, and so from time to time, when this why came up, I would come across a shape that I had imposed upon myself, a sort of crouching figure in the darkness by this wall of bitterness, a closely guarded secret to myself. These were aspects of the feelings of being seen right through, and how this became imprinted on my name was in closing off the openings between and in the letter hieroglyphs, both to me, and to others also. I also gave myself the trick of absolute dissociation, in which my name was like a random label that happened to be stuck to me, in which ‘that is just my name’ seemed to serve as a diversion.

Looking on the word and letters as an architecture – coming from a perspective of the world as simplified, as something less alive, something slowed down to being beyond some imaginary line of liveliness – and so from that perspective – of those letters, of my name, as a hieroglyphic formula, as an architecture, where I look upon this aspect of myself in these simple terms, and so then see in terms of having access into doors and windows or having apertures and alcoves, as a static building, having an interior, having rooms and passageways, and walls.

And this is useful for me, assisting me to open up this relationship with my name. And yet also there exist within these hieroglyphic forms, perspectives not as architectures, but as living beings, in which the hieroglyphic arms and legs are animate expressions of myself, in which the footing of a serif for example or a letter shape corresponds into expressions of my body, of my footing in the world, as an expression of my stability in standing as my name, from which I move, my starting-point of action. Both of these perspectives are intertwined, and are intertwined with a multitude of others: our receptions of these hieroglyphs in sound have become so natural that what we tend to emphasize is our experience of them as who we are within and as our responses and our understanding, such as in the act of listening to a stream of words, or in what we refer to as an act of reading, not seeing in our everyday practicality the depth of history represented by the hieroglyphs, the depth of resonance within them, and so within myself.

Here are some Self Forgiveness statements in deliberate release of these entanglements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my name was something that was imposed on me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from an early age abdicate my self responsibility in giving away to others the power to define me: I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed the experience of when hearing my own name being spoken by others to be hearing it as a reference purely to who I am not seeing how much it resonates other people’s opinions, reactions, and projections, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absorb and incorporate other people’s definitions of me in the way they sound my name. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in hearing other people’s definitions of me that I have not seen myself, to sometimes automatically believe that they are seeing something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust what others tell me of myself without first checking for myself what I see inside of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others in trusting others saying to me that they can see through me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for myself within and as a stance of blame to not see it, and within not seeing it, to be in an experience of being stuck in it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within this stuckness, bitterness and disempowerment, and self-pity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to re-experience these emotions; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then avoid my own self honesty of facing in this where I am in relation to myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and so the name I stand in within and as this energy experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me the belief that people can see through each other. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through these beliefs and these self-judgements to have made my own name into something that is obscure to me, as if existing only on the surfaces of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with my own name in which I blame those who gave it to me, and through that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life itself for putting this name upon me.

I commit myself to let go of these emotional relationships that I have layer on layer incorporated into me. I commit myself to free myself from these definitions. I commit myself to purify this name and through this process purify the points of abdicated self-responsibility that I have accepted and allowed to continue to exist within it. I commit myself to free my name, and to free myself to stand one and equal to my name as a name I can be proud of. I commit myself to learn to stand on a platform as myself, as my name, in the name of me, one and equal to the name of Life.

 

 

 

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Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence

Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence

A memory came up as I began my walk into the word Elation, a word that came up for me recently: the memory came from years ago, a trek into some unknown hills one night in Scotland, for various reasons, such as missing trains  and late night buses, and so I walked. An interesting effect: as the roads closed in, grew smaller, and less straight, and then turned into meandering lanes, and thence to tracks, and thence to barely even paths, so at the same time, the surrounding hills grew bigger, opened up, grew wider, darker, more remote, and as the miles went slowly by in starlit darkness I became more and more convinced that I was lost. But then the moment came along when the sun came almost bouncing up, and suddenly in those warming rays of light I could see the fields and hills and valleys all around me and in that moment I realized that I was not lost, and it was like my heart went out towards the sun in simple gratitude, and I love you were the words that coursed up through my body: here I lived the word Elation.

Now, looking on this past experience of this word, I question what it was that I was living within and as ‘I lived’: for sure there was extreme intensity, and a high of energy, in contrast with the shapeless fear and definitionlessness within and as being immeasureably in the experience of lost. That suddenly what was thrust into my world was specificity and definition and so relief of ‘knowing where I was’ all were contributory to this experience of Elation.

And yet looking at this now, especially in the light of what was shared by the Ocean, I see how I had defined the experience of ‘knowing where I am’ according to the outside world and according to the source of light, the sun. It was as if my belief of being in the hands of greater purpose had been confirmed, that in the experience of this moment that everything of me came racing up through me to acknowledge that.

So as the journey goes, I see how through this word Elation it serves me now as an outlook on religious programming that had infiltrated into my very nature: ‘knowing where I am’ dependent on projections of the outside world, as if it were a solution to the lostness in myself, that I had suddenly reached for that interpretation and had then accepted it as real.

And so the question comes of how to venture past and beyond this outlook in the hills and through this programming, which had become so much a part of me. Stepping from a point of ‘everything I thought was true is real’ as in this experience of Elation, to the point of ‘everything I thought was true is wrong’, and yet within this, ‘I am lost’ comes not as wordless feeling, but as an inspiration, as something real within me. I recognise here also many points that Jack brought up in My Second Death in a recent recording in Journeys into the Afterlife.  Not that my experience in life has been as extreme as Jack’s, but something that I realise is that questions that could lead into experiences such as Jack’s have always been for me kind of close at hand, waiting to be asked.

You could say that dependence on this religious programming had always been, and had been always known, to part of me, as a starting point of self dishonesty in which I had accepted and allowed an idea of the nature of existence as a reality, that I had the arrogance in my mind to decide on what was real and what was not. Awareness of this self-dishonesty dawning in me had added to the dissonance within the word Dependence, that experience of a negativity within the word itself. And within my experience of Elation, an experience of triumph over self dishonesty.

So to the word Dependence, my personal approach to it, in seeing how for me a negative charge exists within it, is to look here right into this negativity, seeing that in this word there is a depth to it, and so maybe see and understand the history of it, and clarify the nature of it.

This continues from the previous post, on points that came up for me, listening to the Ocean sharing realisations of some basic programming of Consciousness, and the basic nature of Religion, and the Wake-up call coming from the questioning of the base belief of a greater being ‘out there’ and so questioning the acceptance of ourselves defined within the hands of greater purpose: Up comes the question of what is my relationship to dependence on this base belief, do I really actually want to see, acknowledge, recognize that this is a belief, when in doing so my dependence on what I have accepted is exposed to me, so that then I do not have excuses for it, I cannot be the victim of it any more.

A consequence, as mentioned by the Ocean, of believing that ultimately we are in the hands of greater forces, is a kind of listlessness, an indolence, a lack of drive; that in the context of this greater purpose of the world I experience myself as insignificant. I see now how this consequence itself is adding to the difficulty of standing up and also to the experience of drag in facing that dependence on that primordial vision or belief of being in the hands of something greater, while layers of acceptance over lives and generations also add to the resistance, lives and generations shaped by this belief.

So here, within the word Dependence are histories of fear of questioning this belief, and of failing to actually grasp it, and me protecting me from ultimately, what, the imaginary consequence of questioning a program I have accepted and allowed and on which I’ve built this life. So within the word Dependence, also fear of seeing distinctly what exists within this word, and fear of letting go of the belief in who I am, defined as ultimately in the hands of ‘something greater’.

As mentioned in my story of my experience of Elation, I am not writing here about this ‘something greater’ simply as belief in God, or not, which in a way is how it manifests in world religions, but in the way that this religious programming exists within and as the very core of how I reason, how I experience myself, it exists within the very definitions of myself that I had always taken as a given, and so not seen, and also had refused to see, had feared to see, had invested in this fear as my guardian, as my protection.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a definition of and so experience of the word Elation as a victory over my own awareness of my self dishonesty, in experiencing a definition of reality that is false.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the dissonance within the word Dependence is also my awareness of my own self dishonesty, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to live dependence on my own acceptance of a world that is not real, but a programming from which to propagate a tree of consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of seeing this as it is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear to guard me from my own awareness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self dishonesty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extent of questions in me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose control of questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a limit on my questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I question the basic definitions of myself that I have come to be dependent on and recognize within myself as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me a fear of a reality of Equality, in which my definitions of myself that I have lived do not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realise what might there be for me beneath the programming of the context of ‘a greater being out there, a greater purpose.’

 

 

 

 

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Day 444: The word Acceptance

 

 

Day 444: The word Acceptance

Gratitude is the main feeling that I have in listening to the words of the Ocean. This sentence coming out like this, as I open up this writing, is interesting to me because it’s something that I might have also said long time ago when the physical ocean of the world was like to me, my personal companion. That I could just sit quietly with myself beside this vast wild presence was a constant source of wonder: in a way it was to me like a God, a symbol of Reality, and I could ground myself beside the roaring and the crashing water and a pulse that I could not quite connect with, it was a source of comfort.

And in later years when I became an adult, I would feel a yearning now and then for that, and so go check in with that same experience of being there amid the elements. And so in the event of the Ocean speaking through the Portal, I was kind of well disposed towards this being, welcoming whatever words might come. Sometimes beings come through where I have this feeling of affinity; my experience of being is kind of oceanic. The word Affinity comes up here, it becomes available in the out-play of remembering the lost connections. And for sure what the Ocean had to share about its process shone much light into my own, in which many parallels opened up, and standing out specifically for me amongst these points, the depths within the word Acceptance, showing me dimensions of this word that I had previously just glanced over.

For example, I had never with the word Acceptance, given me the space to ask the question, but what is my experience with this word, how does it feel to me, what effects does it have on me? But when The Ocean described the experience of Acceptance, I realized that yes, my experience of this is similar… an experience of a dullness… “like this dark oily substance that would ooze within me and completely cloud me from any access into my thinking, my ability to think, to question, to see direct, to step back, to realise that I have the right to essentially wait, pause, spend time for a moment and first look at whatever is presented to me, and consider all my options, all perspectives, all dimensions, and from there, first decide whether I’m going to accept or allow this and from there make a decision to act or not.”

 

It was quite soon after the Portal had opened that I began the deliberate walk of process; listening to what the beings in the Portal had to say had opened up for me extensively the wider reality of our existence, and of myself as part of it. Seeing realizing and understanding my personal responsibility in a history/life that was largely shaped by my acceptance of designs of consciousness, I tested out the tools of writing and of Self-Forgiveness, and more recently, of Redefining and Living words. The Self-Forgiveness statement of changing things that I had previously accepted and so allowed I have by now applied to many aspects of myself as I unfold the layers and reassert myself or deliberately give back the presence of myself into what I have become. And yet with what the Ocean shared in fathoming the word Acceptance, the support for me has been in seeing how I can really deepen the effectiveness of my application of the tool of Self-Forgiveness.

 

And in the case of the experience of dullness of acceptance here comes a reminder for me to sharpen up the questions, meaning that the sharpness of a question to myself as to who I really am within accepting this or that will likely bring me to a point of change; that such a question asked could actually change my own reality, it has a kind of scariness about it. Do I really dare to ask myself? Around the presence of the question forming in me, I feel a kind of holding on within me coming up, a fear of change. Here is where I know within myself that I have been depending on an acceptance of some sort, and that I must now let go of that acceptance, and of that dependence on it. How much do we all depend upon beliefs and within dependence so protect them from the risk of questions? It’s like we do not want to see that house of cards.

So many times in my life I have withdrawn from such enquiries into what is real because of such a fear, and because of all these times, it has become quite easy, I have built a layer of acceptance of myself in making such maneuvers: and within that, a tolerance for not being real with me but only playing games.

Such as in forgiveness of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears, reactions, judgements and projections and beliefs: it’s not that those forgiveness statements have been futile, and after all it’s brought me to here, and forgiveness of myself for participating in the play-outs of what I’m living as Acceptance has supported me to face the reality of myself with less reaction, though sometimes what I have accepted on top of everything has often been not to look too deeply into that acceptance.

Something that I saw looking into this was how judgements that I made had misinterpreted this ‘not focusing on what in fact I had accepted’ as me just giving up – where in my mind I thought that the correction here would be to somehow stop this giving-up – that I must do some work to strengthen me – all of which may have been true – but what I did not see was how it was that I had not really questioned the acceptance, and that I had let the belief within it stand, so that while I may have been forgiving the outplays of it, the outplays would continue to crop up wherever the belief had an opportunity to express, and so really in myself blaming me for not having the strength to finally stop these things, without clearly realizing that I had not stopped the source of them. Here is where the experience comes up in me having forgiven myself quite often for the same sorts of reactions, but not with any lasting effect, where instead of seeing that within it all I have made no approach to the underlying belief or acceptance, I have gone into instead reactions toward the persistence of the mind and judged me in my weakness in this situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow and in some way in the hands of a greater force or wider purpose in the scheme of things, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea of a greater force to define me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody this. I forgive myself that within and as this same acceptance, that I have set a limit on my own responsibility for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the absoluteness of my self responsibility, not seeing realizing or understanding that it is my fear of questioning this base acceptance in my mind on which I have built my life, and built my comfort zones. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a life in which I see myself as playing a lesser part, that I have become content with being as an observer of these greater beings.

 

The four Ocean recordings are part of the Earth Nature and Weather Series on Eqafe, quotes in this blog come from the second recording: Acceptance Decision and Action are a Single Package. There are many other aspects to these four recordings than I have mentioned in this post; this post is by no means a review of their entirety, but some points that stood out for me within them.

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life