Day 457: Exploring Personal

Day 457: Exploring Personal

Personal: I’d never really looked at how I had defined, been living out, this word. It seems that I’ve been content with it functioning as assumption, that it was clear, distinct, as a tool with which to draw a line, define a boundary, justify an area of privacy, and yet I see now also how within this it had just a single function, I had not asked the question of who I was alone with me within and as this word; what that actual content was within that was just a vague assumption. A question such as this marks the outset of a journey, not with expectation of an immediate end in the form of an instant answer, but with more instead an exploration of what is it that is contained with the word.

Even since I was a little child, those memories are still there: such as moments in a garden with impressions of a checkered clover lawn, no more or less intimate for me than the feelings of my toes within my socks and in my sandals, or that experience of me quietly within myself while all around the movements of the wind amongst the branches of the trees would come and go, build up and fade away, and then break through again, from a different angle, with a different feeling of the air, a different brushing of a coolness on my arm; and yet still that quietly being within myself experience remains, way back when, and now; that intimate within me and without me overlap where everything both intimately near and deeply far into the world, is reflecting my relationship to me and me to it, where sometimes within the experience of that, there is no boundary. That is how it is sometimes in waking up, with my body stretching out all ways to the horizons of my bed and the even sense of gravity pressing down, defining how the contours of my body rest, and so I enter into specificity.

Describing what is personal in personal experience, I clutch at straws, like as if those straws were movements, movements deep within me, movements I am accustomed to and recognise as me, as an everyday unconscious, with personal as an accepted automation, that personal within things all the time at every moment of the day, unremarked, un-noted, like the being within and as integral to it all, and yet when faced, intangible, lost within the myriad relationships to everything. And yet, not lost: but more, displaced; I mean with clutching at a straw, I clutch a realisation, and though that realisation remains as yet still undefined, I have it in my grasp, and write it.

The image of a garden gate comes up in me: just a simple gate that opens with a latch. Opening up the world of Personal, I am looking here at an example; at a memory of a quiet moment as I walk along, a moment that I would just normally walk right by the details of; that leaf perhaps, a generous spread of leaf that sways horizontally from its stalk, above its shadow on a patch of grass, just a life besides the gate, an aspect and a passing moment of this local world, through which I tread, reflecting back to me my own reflection, and yet my own reflection is to me, just incidental, while who I am within this isness is focused on a task, I am going to fetch some water. That single footstep in my day, along with all the thousand others that get filtered out of memory, out of record or remark, there is no time in all the world for sharing that. And yet not giving me the time in those small moments to consider who I am and how I am towards and in these things accumulates like a personal unconscious.

Going microscopic further emphasises this, all those tiny moments of that personal familiarity that go by even in a moment without the question of who I am reflected in this stream of things; they kind of wrap around me and support me, and hold me steady in my world.

 

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Day 456: Welcome: A Statue of Zero

Sometimes something might catch your eye, yet even so you might still dismiss your own awareness…

Day 456: Welcome 2: A Statue of Zero

Coming from the outskirt hills and into town, I look down from the fly-over, and through the window of an Audi showroom, and see a statue of a zero; just a detail flashing by, something from the edges of the urban landscape, that soon slips out of view, while our vehicle becomes immersed in the interiors, where buildings crowd us in, streets and crossroad lights, and my attention is absorbed by close up things, pedestrians and billboards, a mynah bird, a pot-hole, the antics of a truck in front of us straddling both lanes. And yet I carry in my mind that statue of a zero, undecided whether or not to let it go.

What significance or value had I seen within those words? Looking at it now I see that it was as if what had woken up in me was that part of me, call it say the poet of my youth, who in relationship to words would recognise a movement, or a signature, like a seed of inspiration, seen within plain sight; that in moving me in a certain way, I then took it as a recognition of a hidden key to a different understanding, where back then I would devote myself to an exploration of the chemistry of the words involved, and I would experiment with this seed as if it were a new-found catalyst, see what else might open up around it, see if it might perhaps become a poem, or an opening up of something in a world that seemed so closed.

So in a way contained within that question of whether or not to just let go of what had caught my eye, that seed of ‘A statue of Zero,’ was the question of what to do with this part of me, that I had let recede into the distance of my life, a part of me that was actually still alive and well within me, where in my mind and in my relationship to me, now I see how much I believed that I had superseded it, and overruled it, judged this part of me as immature, almost like as if that parts of me were objects in the landscape of my life that I was passing by, justified and maybe also partly driven by a definition of myself as in being a man, having put away those childish things.

And so yes, I brought it with me, saved it for later on to have a look at, and what I see is changed in me is that the chemistry of words now has other aspects for me; where once I started from a mystery and was satisfied to end in mystery; in which a poem for me was something floating in the air offering a glimpse of greater depth; that in this example of A statue of Zero, where I had picked up on a resonance, where that resonance for me was enough within itself, like seeing for a moment the synchrony of the physical world with words and with my life, and then simply as a child, celebrating that; not seeing that mixed into this resonance were also tones of loss and of regret that seemed to validate a song of life and give it weight; that in the resonance there was a reference to my childish self for whom emotion was the deep reality.

So for myself and for that child, to whom emotion was the deep reality: I bring that part of me to me here now, and live this welcome to this part of me; I give myself the choice of how I am to relate and also to respond, and listen to that childhood story of a world that seemed to me back then to have missed and driven past the point, and left behind a wasteland littered with the fragments of a poem; and so within myself acknowledging this child I bring to me, that rather than reject and leave behind this child, instead I recognise this underlying passion, though it has expressed through anger and regret and self pity, and that I have justified it through a belief of chemistry that came from an acceptance of emotion as the current language of the world; so what I leave behind instead is this relationship with me in which I was reacting to myself and judging me, I forgive myself for standing for a reality that was actually not real, and support instead this primary standing.

I support this part of me that looks out through the window of a car and catches on a Statue of Zero as an expression of myself, as part of me that still shows up in my perceptions, as a seed that can open up into an understanding of a part of me that was unacknowledged, by me, and then became a chapter of my life that seemed in retrospect to be like a wasteland littered with the fragments of a poem.

This is all quite personal and specific: after all, it is my Journey into Life, yet what can happen to a life when that lack of self acknowledgement is projected out upon the world is an aspect of my story here, and what I’m sharing here is also an example of the outplay of a redefinition process of the word Steadfast, and of Welcome as my choice of words to walk as I come to realise to what extent my relationship with me is actually in my hands, and here, my choice to either judge myself and walk away from parts of me or else to welcome me, and in that opening of a welcome, give me space to understand myself, and through that understanding, reunite myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live with an acceptance of a dis-honouring of part of me by me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live acceptance of that.

 

 

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Day 455: Not of Anything that was Already Here

Ref: First Contact – Free Recording

Speaking as a witness, Vivienne, in the historic recording that opens the Journeys into the Afterlife series – 1 – First Contact – speaks about the first Dimensional witnesses’ reactions on seeing the opening Portal, in trying to understand what just happened: “…this physical form, this manifested point that was here was something that was not of anything that was already here…”

About that phrase “not of anything that was already here”- it reminded me how much our understanding of everything that happens depends upon our ability to relate it to something that’s already here; how much of what we see and know depends upon connecting to our tapestries of past events, and that sometimes an event such as the opening of the Portal shows us how much and to what extent that we rely on that.

For us beings Earth-side something happened here that had no precedent, and being on Earth-side, it had a time and date, a physical location, a physical point in history: we can say that on a certain day in 1998, the Portal opened. And for the first time in our physical history we hear direct accounts of what was being observed of this event from other beings on the other side, from within the other-side dimension.

Something that became clear to me as I listened to this first recording of the series, was to what extent a question suddenly arising in a world that smoothly operated and functioned on the absence of an independent question, first of all gave rise to a wave of fear. This was in the context of submission to the belief that everything was already taken care of and in the hands of higher powers; and yet although amongst the dimensional beings there was a rush of fear, they were also drawn magnetically towards this question erupting in their world, and they dared, in spite of everything that was the foundation of their world, to anyway approach it and look into it: from whence that courage to explore something that was “not of anything that was already here”?

And same for us: to live that courage that is within us; to pause a moment in our tapestry productions, and step back a little from the loom and from our weaving of ourselves as threads that must be always anchored into it: that in truth that panoramic story of our world was ultimately just a story anchored into nothing; it’s grandeur was deceptive, the detail overwhelming, and yet beneath it all a starting-point the same as that belief that reigned in Heaven, that same belief in which we were defined, that belief in which we lost ourselves into a million separations.

Courage: not that courage that is defined in fear, but a courage that’s defined in certainty of self that’s here, that I am here, that in that Isness of myself I can decide for me to pause this tapestry production that I’ve called understanding, and simply listen to and to consider for myself the words being spoken, these words that have no precedent, these words that are describing the outline of a different definition of our being and of our context in and as life here.

 

 

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Day 454: Steadfast (5): Welcome to the Land of Plenty

Day 454: Steadfast (5): Welcome to the Land of Plenty

Sitting with two friends in a café in a local mall, the words, Welcome to the Land of Plenty, printed on a nearby placard, caught my eye; sometimes a word or a line stands out for me, as if being somewhere new within myself, or that I am ready now to receive these words, as simply what they are, and in that they have for me a fresh significance. And so in looking into that, I asked myself, what would Welcome represent for me as a living word, as an expression of Life’s abundance, an unconditional expression/definition of relationship of one being to another, and, would I want that to become a part of me as something that I lived?

And for me the answer to that was obviously Yes I would like to add that into me, and yes I have a place for that, and in fact the place I have for that has opened up in my redefining of the word Steadfast; without seeing clearly for myself the conditional nature of my response to the reality of me, what I had accepted and allowed in that, then this word Welcome may also have remained for me within the shadow of half-heartedness, and this moment in the café in the mall would not have been the same.

The way that words operate and function in the very fundamentals of our definitions of ourselves and so of our experience and of the nature of our lives is something that becomes clear in the Redefinition process; how it was for me in seeing the possibilities of Welcome as a word entwined into my relationship with me was a feeling of expansion in my body, was in the recognition of a gift, a sort of warmth, a quiet joy, and the possibility of letting go of that reluctance that I have in me in sharing who I am with me, and so with others.

A gift: not like bingo, here it is, but like there is something that is specific here that I can work towards developing in a part of me, that was kind of nebulous before. Nebulous: I mean like in relationships with other beings, there are relationships in which you can accept and become used to in some subtle kind of way a constant put down, such as in the example of family politics, where gradually you accept it and then come to allow it as the way things are, and that acceptance and allowance gradually shapes the way you are, you do not see it any more: so also with the relationship with self, reflecting something like that, in which you become used to the abuse of your own self judgements, and you become identified eventually with the perspective of a projected self that is better and superior to the reality of who you really are, and so in that relationship, your actual real self is not a welcome sight when it turns up, so to speak, on the doorstep of your mind, or on the threshold of your projected world reality, and who I am on the receiving end of that is kind of apologetic for being me. And so within and as both parts of this relationship, Welcome comes to have a kind of hollowness about it, it comes with reservations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in reluctance to accept the word Welcome as a living part of me. I commit myself to look into the nature of this reluctance: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchat that I’ve accepted and allowed within it. I forgive myself that in sharing who I am with me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to not extend a welcome that is genuine and real. I forgive myself that in sharing who I am with me that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to secret reservations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out a perspective of myself in which I take offence at who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Welcome to myself as conditional and limited. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing in my sharing of myself, a welcome to this self that I am sharing, a welcome to the world, a welcome to this home of me, and to everything within it.

So in redefining Steadfast, Welcome comes along as a supportive word: when I recognize this moment as it comes up in me, that replay of the programming that I’ve compiled, of who I am within and as personifying Severity and Aloofness, choosing to abandon who I am as Steadfast in my living Self Forgiveness, seeing and understanding what I am accepting of myself in this moment here, understanding the addiction that I have within and as this stance, instead I take responsibility, I commit myself to stop, and breathe and remember how I came to give myself the opportunity of seeing this word Welcome, how it formed a bridge and an opening of the reality within me, how by means of this word Welcome I can look into my relationship with me and see that there’s a different way to be.

 

 

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Day 453: Steadfast (4) The Embrace of Self Forgiveness

Day 453: Steadfast (4) The Embrace of Self Forgiveness

… So…continuing here with my personal exploration and Redefinition process of the word Steadfast: how I have defined it and how I have stood and stand within and in relation to this word.

What I’ve done so far has mostly been concerned with opening up and clearing, and so understanding, to some extent, my personal difficulties, problems, objections and obstructions to bringing this word into my life, and so through that, making way for me to whole-heartedly engage with Steadfast as part of me. And in that phrase, Whole-Hearted, I see here how the point comes up again of my denial of Steadfastness as me, like a fear of really owning it.

Keeping a grip on seeing this process through is for me the physical exercising of this word in real-time: that seeing of something through, as well as follow-through, they both are qualities of Steadfast that I am now kind practicing in my writing out of me. How I can apply this seeing something through, such as for example, me, through life, is what now I start to open up as well.

Having opened up so many realizations about myself in previous days, and about mistakes that I have made – and how I have then lived the consequence of those mistakes – now, in the course of writing this, I come to a place or part of me – that I have also often accepted and allowed – in which I tell myself that I’ve done enough – that I have released myself from this and that, so why not now just let it be, in this example, let Steadfastness kind of naturally develop… yes, right… hmm… something that I see in this is how I’ve made it all so big, so epic: the elements involved within the picture of the helmsman at the wheel, with who I am as the ship itself, and as the voyage, these components of Steadfast are now kind of looming over me… and though they are blown up large I also see they still have value.

So at this point – which is some days later on – I form a plan to ground myself: I take myself back into that moment in time when Steadfast first came up in me, ‘as a word that I could live’, and I realise now that this was my interpretation of the event; the word came up in me, and in a way I was reacting to it; thinking in my mind, I knew what this was for, and why it was there. I did not consider that a point in my awareness could have been just showing me the simple fact that in that moment, it was a word that I was not living.

…So not a where have you been all my life kind of moment in relation to this word, lol, where then it seemed to pop up from the blue, as I followed that interpretation, but more like: How come I let go of Steadfastness, the steadfastness that is part of me, and how come I made that choice within me of letting go that Steadfastness of me, that then led me into that quagmire in which I was reaching out for something – like a suggestion of a word to live – to help me.

So here, going back along the timeline from that reaching out for strength, I look in to the moment of that choice, that moment when I in fact abandoned Steadfastness as part of me. And I realise that this is not a one-of kind of moment; I recognise it as a place I tend to get to. Often there is a decision and an action in a moment that I know would immediately support me, no big energy involved, it is simply just do this or do that, quite straight-forward; while all the energy that follows has come from my resisting that, making a big deal out of that refusal, and the turmoil that I cause within me in my judgement of the way I am and for passively looking on while I let myself continue into something else instead that is obviously not best for me, or supportive of me.

So now I look at Steadfast more on a smaller scale: the follow-through, the seeing of it through, through the tasks involved, through the individual steps: here is where it is in the small moments, rather than in the epic voyage, that for me the living steadfastness can be more consistent.

Being steadfast in relation to myself would be in simple moments not reacting to my own reality, but rather, remaining steadfast in my unconditional forgiveness of myself, where yes I see the reality of who I am is going into judgement, or irritation with myself, for ‘being the way I am’, for doing this again, or that again, in which what I have accepted and allowed is that there is for me a point, a final straw, a moment in which the reality of me is that I am now in fact not unconditional – or steadfast – any more, I have chosen giving up on me, I am now holding who I am against me, and within that irritation what I see is that yes in fact within and as this stance, self forgiveness is actually useless, meaningless; from self forgiveness as a constant living action, attitude, support for me, what it has become is self forgiveness as an incantation in my mind. And yet not seeing this from within and as my righteousness, or seeing how insubstantial it is, I come to blaming self-forgiveness as being not enough, and then I am looking around for something else that I can do to bring me back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Steadfast, to fear facing that Steadfast exists within me, that I have accepted and allowed within this fear, a deeper fear that in facing this, that I might lose my justification in playing the victim role around the apparent and alleged absence of this word. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fear to protect, excuse, and hold together a personality that I have lived around this point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both abuse and use this word that represents a living part of me for the sake of the agenda of this victim personality. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘keeping a grip’ within and as energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a fear of letting go of the control that I impose upon myself through and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the steadfastness that is already part of me, in separation from me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to not see the steadfastness that already is an expression of me, and to then go into a not-knowingness about myself in which I tell myself I do not have it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lacking steadfastness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have made the choice to not be steadfast with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in that the steadfast that I live is not an absolute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in judgement, as superior to the reality of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing me within the act of making choices that are not in support of me but are instead choices that support my returning to the ways of mind and consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact within myself that who I am as judgement is who I am within and as a personality of reaction to the reality of me, the me that makes mistakes, that does not learn so quickly, and that who I am within and as judgement is a projection of myself that is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being steadfastly with me in support of me to become instead irritated with me, impatient with me, giving up on me, and within that I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that through my own impatience and irritation with me I take away the space and time from me to see myself for real and for me then to understand the reality that I am seeing, and through that come to understand how I might change myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in judging me that I have not given myself the opportunity to understand myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the steadfastness that is part of my expression to not extend into my relationship with myself as steadfast in my standing with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my steadfastness in standing with me to be conditional.

 

Through all of these considerations, I open up another question: What has to happen or change in this relationship, for self forgiveness to become constantly the embrace in which both I see myself, as is, and also hold myself, and support myself, in which I come to trust myself to walk with me throughout this process of this journey of my life here on Earth, in a steadfastness in which I stand with me throughout the moments as they come?

 

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life