Day 372: Honouring

February 23, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

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This is a continuation on from ‘Sharing’.

Honouring an other being seems kind of natural, I mean all of us obviously being here in the same predicament of existence, and in that sense already standing in all each others’ shoes. A salutation of this reality is for me in the starting point of honouring.

And yet, looking into an expectation to be judged, and the fear involved, and the energies that gathered up into the word Sharing, what I see expressed is in fact dishonour; in my projections onto others, holding them within projected personality designs and attitudes of judgement, rather than allowing them to respond from within themselves as for real.

That dishonouring of the world of beings is the cost of valuing the fear so highly, that defines the boundaries of a comfort zone in which honouring of all others as myself seems all good, only given that I have excluded the reality of me, and within that, disconnected honouring from life, from being able to be lived, but instead believed these things I told myself in simulating honour, while on a deeper level I was at the same time held within a programming of contempt by me. Acknowledging this underlying spitefulness within me, as an aspect of who I am in relation to sharing is a challenge. I mean what I am doing to other beings is exactly the thing that I fear them doing to me.

Interesting that it has not made difference, but in practical reality, checking it, I see that mostly in fact this does not happen, people do not do that thing, and something that I see now also is that then what comes up in me, in an instance of realization of this, is a sense of gratitude, or surprise, with an underlying puzzlement of the mind, seeing that in the realm of expectations there is a glitch, a momentary collapse of a false reality, or in that moment, in a way it as if things don’t add up, so looking into that moment there I had not previously seen it as a reaction.

What I see here is how this moment through the judgements of the mind, can be perceived as failure, that I am failed within such natural events, as in not being with the flow of that, or that my mistake within this situation is who I am, so going down those routes what I have accepted and allowed is for myself to be defined by this self judgement, as having failure as my being, and therefore accepting and allowing this moment to act as a reminder of the experience of that, where in reaction to an open response, I shift into self interest, from the starting point of how I’ve seen this, into the emotional reality of my mind, or else the route of positive judgement of the being, nice on the surface, but as well in fact dishonouring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition Sharing into and as protection of the self from the impact of negative judgements and as point of fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me to use the word Sharing as a label or trigger of ‘an emotional issue’ for me, or of an energetic complex of experience for me, rather than allowing me to see a simple reference to the means of an honest/frank/straightforward relationship, that is the word Sharing with an existential, real dimension, simple as in redefining Sharing to be for me, in support of me, to be lived as who I am.

Ok so I’ve been opening it up a little further here.

Next time…

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Day 371: Sharing

February 21, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

From the opening of a point, enabled by the previous day, and in being grounded in Quietness in myself, something that comes up, what I see now as the opportunity of redefining Sharing, and looking at the hows within me of how I lived this word and defined it in, and based my living of it on, an emotional starting point of me, and in seeing this how I then realized how much I had sort of brushed by this word over and over as if my relationship to it were just a part of what I had accepted as me, and that I had been using it in a superficial way, getting by it, on my way, as if there were nothing much within it to be seen or questioned, nothing to be stopped for, as if in a way there were no contents to it.

What I saw later was there were actually plenty of contents, but contents that I’d preferred to keep invisible, so that after a million experiences of discomfort, it was no longer recognizable as such, but just as part of a normality of my experience of me. And yes I recognize now a desperation energy in there too, something that I may have justified within myself on an intellectual level, referring to ‘the problem’ of communication or some such thing, and so stepping away from awareness of myself within this word.

When I look beneath the surface of all this at who I am within this word as an emotional being, with concerns about fear and insecurity: my experience had been, still is partly, an experience of insecurity in sharing, and within that, retraction of responsibility to me, retraction of consideration for me and little regard for my reality, and within and as an emotional reality, little consideration of others on a real level that is in my life, connected to me in some way or another. This word as I look into it now is a name I also gave to what I recognised in some way as a child, though I did not have the words, as an experience of crisis in self honesty.

So here, regardless of my thoughts about these things, regardless of my fears of how my sharing of myself might possibly redound on me destructively, how it may possibly do damage to an image of myself, the fears of the bad of me that I had defined as me, and hidden away and lived in shame; it is with regard to accepting that as who I am that that I learned how to protect myself, to form a fear of sharing, a fear of shame, a fear of being defined as wrong, and so with all of that, to define my relationship to sharing on an emotional level, paying homage to a vulnerability, and to being within and as a limitation of myself within self interest, with protection and fear both merged together serving only emotional me and the management of energies within my mind, and without a reference to the physical world.

Looking into that, I can see how I’d release the energies from this word as I had defined it and lived it, so that I see then how I’d want the word to be for me would be in hearing it, or speaking it, or meeting with it in any way, that it would be a wonderful moment, a moment of honouring self and honouring an other person, both at once.

And there are other possibilities of this word, that I am kind of surprised might really exist for real for me: how awareness of my own reality might then be strengthened, rather than threatened, confirmed rather than undermined, how in sharing, that I make steps in extending my responsibility to me, rather than retracting it.

So regardless of my thoughts about these things, regardless my fears, regardless of this vigilance that has come up in me, regardless of my assessments of it’s value or worth, that in sharing this, I stand as the decision in this moment not to any longer block expression of these points, realisations, insights, dimensions, challenges, that follow. And facing who I am within this specific point of sharing is to me a challenge.

I mean there is an impossibility about sharing in the way that I have lived it, defined myself within this word, centred in an emotional definition of myself in the way that I have lived me, which in and as emotional relationships with my mind only, there is no access to the reality of the external world, where sharing might exist in a genuine sense, for real, and within that sharing who I am in acknowledgement of me as real, that who I am in honouring myself thus, I learn in incremental steps to be more proud of who I am in finding courage in myself to face these aspects of myself that I have judged as bad and defined as shameful, where what I have accepted and allowed to exist has been a version of me that pays homage to a belief about being victim to the judgements of the beings around me and in accepting that, a definition of myself as fragile, that possibly might break down in an expectation of a barrage of negative judgement. That barrage in my mind has served protectively as an example of a worst case scenario, coming out of memories of real events in my early life, that may have once been real, but now are merely memories that I have accepted and allowed and preserved within my mind as notes upon ‘how not to be’, or in a childish catalogue of ‘the dangers of being real’, as warnings about what may happen if I were to simply speak the thoughts or words or questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sharing according to a fear that I have connected into judgement.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of the world around me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who and how I am can be defined by reactions to what I do or say. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived a life in which I have defined sharing in fear and insecurity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing with myself how I really am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize a hostile world so as to protect me from my own imagined consequence of sharing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word Sharing to exist in me as a trigger of emotional reactions: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me these reactions.

Day 370: The Emotional Detective

February 19, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ 1 Comment

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Day 370: The Emotional Detective

Waking up in the morning with the awareness of my intention to look first at the starting point of this day, what word would best express or be underlying, or defining, my presence here, as a simple checking of the status of the current programming – and finding that over and over it was as if I had no access to such a word – and in the experience of having no clue – a realization – and it took me some time to get to it – that what I was waking up into was a subtle emotional state, and that within and as the world of which, I could not see it. It’s like in being as a blue mind, I am seeing a blue world, and everywhere I look there is no such word as ‘blue’ within the detail of it – how could there be? To what could it refer?

That question, within regards to realizations of being within and as – in place of ‘blue’ – an ‘emotional mind’ – where I am looking into the depths and reaches of the world and find there what – reflections of this mind, projections of this personality, layered on the surfaces of everyone and everything. And in a way, there is no new information, because all I see confirms my everyday normality – seeing only how I see things, which is in itself not a ‘seeing’, but is instead an experiencing, in which what I see instead are the facets of my experience as states of energy.

In support of my realization of this, and strengthening to me, there was a moment when this veil was down, and for a moment what I saw were some physical human beings in a physical existence, without the bells and whistles of ‘humanity’, without the story of the history of it all, that gives it shape, without the garments of emotion, without the integrated visions and experience of my reactions and projections, without the energetic jazz, kind of naked in a neutral way, that I am for a moment in a neutral state. And something that came up in me was like a deep sadness, that everything had been simply geared to not see this, that I am responsible within all this to have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself so long, with the bells and whistles jazz, to have allowed the multiplicity of that veil to be so fascinating, to be so binding. That sadness has a value to me; it is a sadness that is directly touching intimately my real life here: in understanding for a moment how I’d fooled myself, I’d found some grounding here, like here was a moment where I could say I got an inkling of what it was to be on Earth.

So the question comes: How did I create this emotional programming that I have woken up into and as? What is going on that I see now had become pre-established in my waking moments? And what I see is that I have been investigating a specific word and my relationships to this word where I have in a way over-focussed it, and become totally involved in it; such a priority that I have given it, such importance, so vital that I must resolve it, and resolve it Now, before I go any further! And ‘Stop the World’, stop everything, I have to look into this, and thoroughly, and effectively, where I can see now both excitement and apprehension come up together as if ‘at last’ I’d found the dark treasure at the source of me.

Something that I’ve noticed here is how I have allowed the word Investigation to become charged up – where I have become the emotional detective, getting hooked into a mission, prepared to go down all the rabbit-holes, to leave no stone unturned – all of these – where instead I might have simply stayed with real investigation: becoming neither excited nor anxious, but walking placid simple steps of understanding.

What I had become in the midst of this ongoing rush of investigation of extremes of excitement and of anxiety, not having come to point of change, was like a sense of being up against a wall, or being cornered, a place of seeing clearly that Enough is Enough, and yet at the same time not having the strength to carry through from there – and the residual state of this within me, in waking to another day of this investigation, as pointed out by the Atlanteans, was a state of desperation – desperation as an energy, as an emotion.

Even without seeing this consciously, what I had observed within myself was that a state of quietness had come over me, and looking at this, I had trusted me within the decision to walk this quietness deliberately: it was as if I was aware within myself deep down that I would need this quietness platform to investigate a construct that I had become aware of – but here for this post – are some of the surrounding circumstances to the issue of ‘points coming up’ and new dimensions showing themselves.

Ref: Atlantean’s Desperation series

Future of Consciousness: The Emotional Mind