Day 371: Sharing
From the opening of a point, enabled by the previous day, and in being grounded in Quietness in myself, something that comes up, what I see now as the opportunity of redefining Sharing, and looking at the hows within me of how I lived this word and defined it in, and based my living of it on, an emotional starting point of me, and in seeing this how I then realized how much I had sort of brushed by this word over and over as if my relationship to it were just a part of what I had accepted as me, and that I had been using it in a superficial way, getting by it, on my way, as if there were nothing much within it to be seen or questioned, nothing to be stopped for, as if in a way there were no contents to it.
What I saw later was there were actually plenty of contents, but contents that I’d preferred to keep invisible, so that after a million experiences of discomfort, it was no longer recognizable as such, but just as part of a normality of my experience of me. And yes I recognize now a desperation energy in there too, something that I may have justified within myself on an intellectual level, referring to ‘the problem’ of communication or some such thing, and so stepping away from awareness of myself within this word.
When I look beneath the surface of all this at who I am within this word as an emotional being, with concerns about fear and insecurity: my experience had been, still is partly, an experience of insecurity in sharing, and within that, retraction of responsibility to me, retraction of consideration for me and little regard for my reality, and within and as an emotional reality, little consideration of others on a real level that is in my life, connected to me in some way or another. This word as I look into it now is a name I also gave to what I recognised in some way as a child, though I did not have the words, as an experience of crisis in self honesty.
So here, regardless of my thoughts about these things, regardless of my fears of how my sharing of myself might possibly redound on me destructively, how it may possibly do damage to an image of myself, the fears of the bad of me that I had defined as me, and hidden away and lived in shame; it is with regard to accepting that as who I am that that I learned how to protect myself, to form a fear of sharing, a fear of shame, a fear of being defined as wrong, and so with all of that, to define my relationship to sharing on an emotional level, paying homage to a vulnerability, and to being within and as a limitation of myself within self interest, with protection and fear both merged together serving only emotional me and the management of energies within my mind, and without a reference to the physical world.
Looking into that, I can see how I’d release the energies from this word as I had defined it and lived it, so that I see then how I’d want the word to be for me would be in hearing it, or speaking it, or meeting with it in any way, that it would be a wonderful moment, a moment of honouring self and honouring an other person, both at once.
And there are other possibilities of this word, that I am kind of surprised might really exist for real for me: how awareness of my own reality might then be strengthened, rather than threatened, confirmed rather than undermined, how in sharing, that I make steps in extending my responsibility to me, rather than retracting it.
So regardless of my thoughts about these things, regardless my fears, regardless of this vigilance that has come up in me, regardless of my assessments of it’s value or worth, that in sharing this, I stand as the decision in this moment not to any longer block expression of these points, realisations, insights, dimensions, challenges, that follow. And facing who I am within this specific point of sharing is to me a challenge.
I mean there is an impossibility about sharing in the way that I have lived it, defined myself within this word, centred in an emotional definition of myself in the way that I have lived me, which in and as emotional relationships with my mind only, there is no access to the reality of the external world, where sharing might exist in a genuine sense, for real, and within that sharing who I am in acknowledgement of me as real, that who I am in honouring myself thus, I learn in incremental steps to be more proud of who I am in finding courage in myself to face these aspects of myself that I have judged as bad and defined as shameful, where what I have accepted and allowed to exist has been a version of me that pays homage to a belief about being victim to the judgements of the beings around me and in accepting that, a definition of myself as fragile, that possibly might break down in an expectation of a barrage of negative judgement. That barrage in my mind has served protectively as an example of a worst case scenario, coming out of memories of real events in my early life, that may have once been real, but now are merely memories that I have accepted and allowed and preserved within my mind as notes upon ‘how not to be’, or in a childish catalogue of ‘the dangers of being real’, as warnings about what may happen if I were to simply speak the thoughts or words or questions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sharing according to a fear that I have connected into judgement.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of the world around me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who and how I am can be defined by reactions to what I do or say. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived a life in which I have defined sharing in fear and insecurity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing with myself how I really am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize a hostile world so as to protect me from my own imagined consequence of sharing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word Sharing to exist in me as a trigger of emotional reactions: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me these reactions.
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