Day 14: Parting Company

Regret in me in interaction and relationship.

Parting company.

At the barrier, there is a train about to leave. We take our places by the gate. Now we’re looking at the fact of lives being miles apart, which has been suspended for the last few hours. It’s as if these last few steps are vaguely tragic, and reluctant, and that there’s something real about regret. The closing moments of an opportunity. There is a hanging sign, ‘Arrivals and Departures’; in my mind it seems to understate what’s happening. I look into the eyes of my brother, I always wondered how it was that they were green. In these I see a held back cry, a spark withdrawn. Thoughts come up about attempting that which is impossible, like reaching out to someone who has already gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the judge of times, that I have believed the thought that times were ‘good’, when all that ever was were opportunities of assistance and support for beings as me as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling ‘tragedy’ and attaching it to the reality of parting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship to ‘parting’ in which I charge this drama of myself as ‘tragic’ to justify regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support regret within an other as a ritual in the act of parting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may say something ‘wrong’ in the act of parting, and to fear that if I do then I will sabotage arrangement of another meeting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control the possibility of meeting in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to make a contract for a future meeting in these parting moments because I fear how I might feel if I did not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might cause offence if I do not go into regret at parting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might cause offence if I seem happy that we’re parting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep secret who and how I am so as not to cause reactions in an other and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that in doing this I am supporting secrecy in other beings with me and a culture of secrecy and blame in which hospitality and offence go hand in hand.

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

Eqafe.com

Day 13: That Here I did not Stand

As the movement of this substance in this ripple world I walk this point, realizing that this walk is movement, that a step is a step in only what is here.

I am on a bus in London, I am travelling to meet my brother. A new addition to my diary of regrets: a thought comes up, ‘I should not have said what I just said to X’, a momentary regret, and instantly my head jerks down away from here in which I breathe, into the distraction of regret. My face turns down and left towards the detail of a transfer on the glass, my thumb moves in to scratch the edge up with its nail, its like I am trying to remove this small black symbol, and words I do not read, and then I realize that I’ve gone into this experience of regret and the re-affirmation of this self-interest alignment of me as energy. I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this thought that I did not do what I should have done within the moralities of mind. I cannot erase a ripple of consequence or deny it or allow myself to react to it within the negativity of my own self judgement but only walk what is actually here of me in this actual movement of this walk of me to life.

That it was so, that in that moment that I did not stand as life remains.

A meeting with my brother. He gave to me in the sharing of his system which is mine. We sheltered from the rain. We were like two voices in a museum. Amongst the consequences of the world encased in glass he shared with me regrets, like moments in a life-review. He showed to me the regret of all regrets that Here I did not Stand.

…I continue into this next blog

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

Eqafe.com

Day 12: entering regret

Further into the specifics of my regret: and here I make a start on this my relationship to regret. This point seems to open up and up and up.

 

Since yesterday I’ve been noticing how I have been in fact looking for the ‘sweetness’ of my own regret within the sounds of bird song, within a longing for some day from long ago which I might possibly reach back to and experience again, and also how in moments in which I have deliberately played recordings of a piece of music with the intention of experiencing my own regret and then justified the experience within my mind as beauty. These would be aspects of a relationship with regret that I have accepted and allowed as positively charged.

Seeking that intensity of the lost moment of a memory stored, in which I feel regret.

 

So I begin to open up this point of my experience of me as regret within the sounds I hear.

 

What is here, as I write? In this room, the sounds of traffic.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the sound of cars going by my house a negative charge.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear the cars go by my house and feel my experience of myself as of regret.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted a thought in my mind of ‘the engine of the machine of the world’ out of the sounds of the cars going by my house.

 

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that this feeling of me is not the cars going by my house, but me accepting and allowing myself as regret.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘time going by’ to the sounds of cars going by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘people working hard to get their money’ to the sounds of cars going by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself ‘sitting in this room’ to ‘people working hard to get their money’ and judge myself and go into regret when I hear the sounds of cars  going by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have judged the people of the world for rushing about in preoccupation and distraction as part of a machine and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this is what I am hearing with my ears as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘the world is fucked’ and that ‘there is nothing I can do’ as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this experience of me as separated from the machinery of the world as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not the machinery of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop the machinery of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop the machinery of myself as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself in circles in my mind while cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this feeling of regret that I am not here at all but in my mind while cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘I should be here’, as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘I should be there’, as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘I am being left behind’, as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this picture of ‘the world going by’ in my mind and then felt regret while cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through listening to these words in my mind of: ‘the world is fucked’, ‘there is nothing I can do’, ‘I should be here’,’I should be there’, ‘the world is going by’, I am being left behind’, that I have accepted these thoughts as me and see myself as something that has ‘happened to me’ or ‘something I had done’ or ‘I had not done’ because in me seeing and hearing in my world at once all that I have accepted and allowed, then I resign within it as regret, and see and hear around me this regret instead of what is actually here.

 

In seeing myself as something that has ‘happened to me’, and felt regret, I am seeing me as something of the past and am living in the past as a picture in my mind.

 

What is here is what is here. Cars go by my house. They make this noise of motion. I hear it in my ears. I feel vibrations in my body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this preoccupation bullshit in my mind in which I do not hear what there is to hear but instead experience this who I am that hears as through and in this regret.

…I continue into this next blog

 

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

Eqafe.com

 

Day 11: Unrecognized Regret

 

Regret. It’s interesting how regret follows on and out of the procrastination that I have lived and from my own self-entrapment and addiction to laziness. That in the circumstance of the reality of physical time, in which it can be too late, or that I’ve left it until it’s too late, or the reality of death in which it is too late to put things right, or say what I should have said, that I can then go into the feeling of regret, so that my addiction to laziness transforms smoothly into this experience of regret. Because I see now something that I haven’t seen before about regret in my life, which is that because I have been defining it simplistically according to only major traumas or obvious turning points in peoples’ lives. Like for example the death of a loved one, or a commitment to the ‘wrong’ relationship, or the choice of the ‘wrong’ career. And I have associated it too, with old age and nostalgia, and the realization that the life and the opportunity has gone by. In these vague pictures I have never been, myself, but instead been seeing regret as a phenomenon of other lives, a phenomenon of literature and films, or as an implication within ‘if I knew then what I know now…’ and I have judged it as rather a useless occupation since it has seemed to involve escaping into an alternative reality in which the clocks could be turned back. So having witnessed various expressions of regret I came to define regret itself around those expressions, as a sort of extreme of disappointment of expectations, or as an aspect of a mysterious grief that I did not understand. I never considered or investigated what regret itself might actually be beyond that, or the possibility that I might be intricately involved in it and as it as a part of who I recognize this ‘me’ to be.

Seeing realizing and understanding how it is that this world is the way it is according to my acceptance and allowance, I have only to look through my eyes to see the resonance of my regret right there in front of me. Like for example I was looking out of the bathroom window across the neighbours’ gardens at a tree. I saw the tree as having an expression, sort of reaching out with a dead branch, doing ‘it’s best’ under the circumstances of the traffic fumes, but what I was referring to was myself as this feeling in my energetic experience of this sadness, this lack inside myself that I have made, this incompleteness of this thing that I would wish that I had done, or this thing that I would wish that I had not done along the way along the accumulation of the consequence of what I see before me. And there I was behind a piece of glass, feeding off the energy that I was generating within myself as this regret.

When I look around the objects in this room, so many of them symbolize through my eyes as connections to relationships gone by, relationships unfinished or broken off or incomplete, as if the images of the beings themselves remain attached and utilized for the energetic purpose of regret.  Or else I see these objects as the result of some transaction that in some way had been an abuse of life, or else remain connected to their histories of slavery and abuse and ultimately the raping of the Earth for money. All this I utilize within regret like an energetic atmosphere to breathe for this separation of this me as illusion of myself, this entity of self-interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much of my experience of who I am has been tempered by regret, and how through regret I have accepted and allowed myself to be living in the past as who I am and projecting the past as my regret onto all I see around me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the raping of the earth for its resources and for the ends of money is a direct reflection in this world as a consequence of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a system of consciousness and as such in need of energy to survive and so actively raping the resources of my own physical body to convert them into energy in which process I have accepted and allowed myself to support within living regretfulness as a system of energy the destruction both of myself as life and of all life in the pursuit of energy and money.

I commit myself to standing up and stopping the cause the origin of this reality that is me. I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding  the specifics of this system of regret that I have accepted and allowed as life in me and in the world as all as me.

…I continue with regret 2 next blog

 

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

Eqafe.com

Day 10: “You can’t go blogging dressed like that.”

 

I get a feeling like congestion in my body, knowing that if I put my thoughts into words they will be from out of this possession that I have accepted and allowed as who I am. There are two issues here: the issue of me as this cloud of self judgement as the mind, which tells me to not do it, and there is also a realistic caution about what I am transmitting here in words because what I am doing is taking responsibility for myself as this creation point.

Sometimes it is clear to me that this Self, in the intimacy of me, is as the starting point through which I am Here, and nothing more. And then as in the course of this morning and now, that clarity has gone, and I am struggling to find my way through this world of definitions and consequences of me in the context of this mind and this body that I have manifested along the way.

Suddenly I am getting backchat of this ilk going on, “You can’t go out blogging dressed like that, I mean look at yourself with that ridiculous personality, what do you think you like?” Putting it like that it seems to me quite funny, but the blueprint of such a phrase possibly said by a parent or a nanny to me or to a sibling, and carrying with it an impulse of concern and fear and a tremor of self doubt, replaying in my mind both as a warning and as a judgement, I accepted and allowed to be, as ‘I can’t write my blog in this state.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of my trust in myself because I see myself as different from moment to moment in the fluctuations of my writings and for not allowing myself to see that I am in a process in which my understandings become more specific and the definitions which I have accepted change and within that what seems to be self honest in one day seems less so the next.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not in a fit state to write a blog in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only be self-honest when I am in a special ‘state’, and that I cannot be self honest about what is happening here wherever and however I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I express who I am in words right now that I will be transmitting impulses not in support of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I may express because I have judged who I am as bad and thus I cannot write about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who i am in my current state as being bad and thus I cannot write about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are different rules about how I can appear inside and how can I appear outside, and that I cannot simply walk outside without checking ‘how I look’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I simply walk outside or express myself in the world as me without checking my appearance then I will in some way let my family down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I simply walk outside or express myself in the world as me without checking my appearance then people will think less of me because of my appearance and how I present myself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think less of myself if people think less of me and for judging myself according to the expectations of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not allowing myself to see the difference between back-chat and actual real caution in consideration of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not allowing myself to see and realize how it is that I am judging myself and that within this I am sabotaging my self trust.

Thanks to Gian, my Desteni I Process Buddy for his support in me supporting myself into this one, many points raised here.

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

Eqafe.com

Day 9: Chameleon in the Matrix

 

Looking now at this point of isolation of myself and learning how to remain with myself in breath in being actually present here in the company of a human being, I see how I have been experiencing this as a point of ‘failure’ to meet my own expectations of myself in which I have made a picture of myself in my mind ‘sharing’ this experience I have of me in the quiet of my life alone, while being with another ‘person’ in the ‘world’.

In this picture in my mind I have sketched out an outline of a relationship within which an idea of how I would want me to be, with no reference to an actual being or an actual real place or situation in physical reality. There is no actual real me in this either. As such, this expectation I have made for me is that I will be one and equal to being exactly the same in myself with myself at any time and with anyone and anywhere, with no reference to the physical circumstance, or the wants needs or desires of this ‘personality’ as how I have defined them to be, in this ‘meeting’ that hasn’t even happened! One day perhaps I may be one and equal to an absolute constant of stability but I have to face it that I am still walking this process and that the reality of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be will only become clear in the circumstances of my interactions with other beings.

Here also is a fear of losing my stability, in which I separate myself from stability, and then offer myself the solution of ‘standing my ground’, in an image of my posture and the spreading of my feet. Within this I notice that it is ‘my’ ground on which I stand, a ground that I ‘own’ as a separate me, rather than the physical ground that we share.

There is a fear of this ‘gap’ between us in the moment of our meeting. It is in this gap that I feel drawn out, that I feel a pressure to respond. This gap is like a trigger point, it is the moment when I accept and allow my consciousness and mind to step in for me with my social personality. The thing is that I have already prepared the way. I have defined the situation already with me being a separated ego in which I ‘own’ the ‘ground’, in which I am ‘meeting’ a ‘personality’. What else could happen next according to my own design but an interaction between two mind consciousness systems?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this personality of knowledge and information in this situation, to make a pitch in order to dominate and win and be in this relationship as something superior with goods to ‘give’ for the enlightenment of another so that I can feel better about myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine in my mind and define a future for myself in which I program the limits to what may possibly happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future and then compare where I am to where I had projected myself to be – and then I judge where I am now as ‘worse’ than where I had projected myself to be – and I think and believe that I have failed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that failure is real and that failure exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see a being as one and equal to the being of me and have chosen instead to see a personality through my own eyes as a personality and through this have chosen to throw away responsibility for me so that I can feel safe within the mutual acceptances and allowances of the matrix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of ‘stability’ and for not allowing myself to see that I am deliberately abandoning stability as who I am in exchange for the illusion of stability within the illusion of myself as a system of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this situation as it happens with me accepting and allowing a personality as me to step in and to direct. Within this I forgive myself that I am not allowing myself to see that this is only happening because I am accepting and allowing it to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resign in this situation to the impulse of my own mind to take over and direct. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear as an excuse for not standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the real meeting between two beings, and any possibility of mutual assistance and support in equality by pre-defining and pre-specifying the relationship in my mind according to how I want it to be as an ego in support of the survival of myself as a mind consciousness system.

I commit myself to investigate this chameleon design of me.

I commit myself to standing with myself as breath as who I am before this ‘gap moment’ in the meeting. I commit myself to support the possibility of an actual real meeting between two beings.

 

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

Eqafe.com

 

 

 

Day 8: Not leaving me behind, but glancing where I’ve been.

 

Not leaving me behind in a moment today, a succession of practical tasks, and a walk into the woods in the rain.

In my practicing of breathing and remaining here with the physical, when there comes a moment of shift, I invite myself to ‘Come back Here’, I speak it softly and in patience, sometimes I use my name, and the tone of my voice I find as supportive as the words I use. I feel my voice vibrating in my chest, and likewise supportive within and part of my enjoyment of the fluidity of me as breath spreading into and throughout my physical.

Where have I been in this distraction of the mind, what have been my desires and conversations with myself in there?

Amongst the scattered thoughts and fragments of memories, I see my preoccupation has been propelled by hope that one of these may lead me to my self. As if one of them may be the first few sentences of a complete expression, or even that the first few words may be the first few words of a completed sentence. I never considered that these thoughts were actually exactly what they appeared to be, just fragments. The point of fracture, the torn off edges as it were, I took to be the effects of my distraction, and I assumed that there was something here that I was refusing to see and that I was looking at the cut off point of a suppression, or else that what I was seeing was a remnant of my own shattered personality. Gather up these fragments as I may, they would not fit together.

Now I understand and realise that in my behaviour as a being caught up in the machinations of a consciousness system, I was functioning exactly according to design, running around in circles of pre-occupation and distraction.

In all of this I can see that the nature of my preoccupation has been in seeking for myself, has been me dwelling in hope that I might find myself. And if I could find myself, what then? What would be this ‘self’ that I was seeking to find, but an image in my mind of a complete expression, a vision, a work of art, a set of reasonings of an invention of some sort, something, anything, that resource of myself that I believed was there, as ‘the undiscovered talent’ that would make me money.

So in this consciousness domain I had defined myself as this lottery machine in which if only I could put the balls together then I would hit the jackpot, and this specialness of this image of myself would be validated by money. Amongst the fragments in my conscious mind, flurries of bank notes. Bank notes; pieces of paper with numbers on them, pictures of heads, promises of signatures of bankers, that in my possession, if clutched in my hand, that then the power is mine, and in my acceptance and allowance of this, my acceptance and allowance that in the hands of others that then the power is theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there must be something ‘wrong’ with me because I could not put together the fragments of my conscious mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this separate form of life defined and limited according to the systems of my mind in which my chief concern is my survival as this mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seeking for myself and believing that I might find myself, when all the time I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seeking who I am according to an image that I believe to be somewhere in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a generator of money so that I can serve my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in hope that I can make real this image of myself in my mind as a generator of money to validate my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a positive relationship with hope in which I charge hope with positive energy, in which I define hope as positive energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be energized and to be as positive energy within having hope, and for not allowing myself to realize how in this relationship to hope I am continuing my acceptance of myself as a system of energy as the mind and will continue to serve the interests of the mind to make sure that the mind survives in spite of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having thoughts of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be energized by the thought of having money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having images of banknotes in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can validate myself with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed in my relationship to myself as money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the beingness of existence that I am to be as a resource for making money, in a system of money, in a reality defined by money, so that I can protect this illusion of myself as a system of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and define myself to be as my own resource of my own self interest and in consequence my own acceptance and allowance of the self interest of all others and the inevitable creation of an elite in the world experiencing my own projected heaven of self interest, as well as millions of beings suffering without the most basic of requirements as hell so that I can continue within my hope and my preoccupations in my mind of possibly one day hitting my own jackpot of specialness so that I can get money and survive as my own illusion of myself in this system that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world in which lotteries exist in the support of a system of hope and the systems of the mind in which millions of people direct the money that they have so that maybe possibly they may get vast amounts of money and live in a heaven of self interest while millions starve and millions climb the walls to make ends meet to pay their debts.

I commit myself to standing with this process in which I learn how to release myself from this energy consciousness as the mind and I commit myself to standing in support of all as me to stand as equal and as one so that all can walk on earth as the physical as life in the honouring of all as life in the realization of what life is and the discovery of what life could become.

I commit myself to stop this world mind system of money and self interest and competition and conflict and separation and abuse of life as it is and do whatever I can do to support the founding of the solution of an Equal Money System as a new world system of equality in support of all life.

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

Eqafe.com

Day 7: Me as Laziness Exposed

My Experience with Procrastination and Laziness

I’m not going to allow myself to take forever to get around to writing about this, because I know that in this pattern I would eventually be writing in a big rush, of having to get it done in a real hurry of the mind, or else finding that it’s too late, or choosing something else instead, which would be really unsupportive of myself, because this pattern of laziness and me have been for a long time intimately entwined.

There is a sort of seductive quality to this laziness, it really is like an addictive drug. “Yes I am a ‘little bit’ lazy, but it’s not too bad is it?, te, he”, would come the back-chat that I accepted and allowed. That snigger on apparently ‘getting away’ with ‘having to do’ something.  “It’s only a little point”, and “I’ll deal with it later” etc. Interesting how making deals, and dealing have all to do with games and contracts and drugs, that in telling myself that I’ll ‘deal’ with it, is very far from saying that I will actually stop it, and as such it is a self manipulation. (design of laziness)

It’s interesting how through these self deceptions, I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss and ignore what may possibly be a central or crucial support to this personality of consciousness as who I am, as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. In the realization of this I have to face the fact that while I have been clearing and realigning and releasing myself from other points, I have been all the time walking past and protecting a commitment to consciousness by encapsulating the entire design of this specific point within a group of judgements of it being ‘trivial’ and ‘insignificant’, and further protecting this point through secrecy in ‘shame of being lazy’, and within this issue of ‘being’ something that I have been accepting and allowing this self definition of ‘who I am’, as the nature that I have believed I cannot change. (ref: human nature) On top of all of this, a layer of fear. Yes a real layer cake. Plus the justifications that I have used to support the beliefs, or the reactions to my own dishonesty and sneakiness that I have utilized as points of shame as further protections of this design of me.

Recognizing this to be a malady of major proportions, since even in a brief survey of this my life on Earth I see how I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a suspension of animation, (see zombies), in a holding pattern, in the drug-tank of consciousness, stunned and vacant in an illusion of ‘here’ within the framework of quantum time, the now of consciousness, in which I have robbed myself of the opportunity of actually really being Here. (Anu 11)

Recognizing this, I now commit myself to changing and transforming this aspect of my nature through pulling out and self-forgiving this entire design in all its detail as far as is possible in thoroughness so that I leave no points behind to reassert themselves and re-erect this pattern. I commit myself to be available to myself to support and assist myself in maximum efficiency to release myself from my own accepted automation of self-interest.

How in practicality I have enabled myself to even begin to write myself out on these points, is by and through already having done some preliminary Self Forgiveness that has already assisted and supported me to as it were to start again with the direct and clear intention of facing this entire design, as far as possible, so that I can stop and change this nature of me that I have accepted and allowed. The crucial realization in being able to do this has been the realization that who I am as this system of consciousness is not unchangeable but who I have defined myself to be. Without this realization I would be unable to grasp this, being within it, as it.

So how I started in the process of facing this point, was in the incident of noticing in myself a faint fluttering of fear. Here is the timeline:

I see a picture of a clock with its hands near twelve.

A thought comes up, that ‘time is running out.’

I feel inside my solar plexus, fear.

Going into Self Forgiveness on this experience of energy I soon discovered that I was entering into the outer layers of the web of this procrastination-laziness design. Now I have extended it and read out to myself aloud the statements I have made.

Self Forgiveness:

I see a picture of a clock with its hands near twelve. A fear came up, with the thought that ‘time is running out.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to this thought that time is running out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this thought to a picture of a clock with its hands near twelve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the imminent arrival of a deadline beyond which ‘it is too late’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing that I haven’t done what I could have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the consequences of my procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take action in common sense in the moment when something needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off facing the reality of my procrastination, by saying, ‘I’ll do it later’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off releasing myself from this energy construct by telling myself, ‘it’s not that urgent’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off releasing myself from this energy construct by telling myself, ‘I’ve got more important things to do’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off releasing myself from this energy construct by saying, ‘but I’m just writing this blog right now, I’ll do it later’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off releasing myself from this energy construct by telling myself, ‘I’ll just mention this procrastination right now, and then work on releasing myself from it later’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with my own excuses.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that in deceiving myself and justifying my own laziness I am in fact defending the survival of this consciousness system that I have dedicated myself to releasing myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within the ‘now’ of consciousness by not doing what is required of me to be done in a moment, thereby accumulating ‘unfulfilled’ moments within myself – whereby I am literally still trapped in those moments – and thus, of the past.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see how this accumulation of ‘unfulfilled’ moments has become this experience of laziness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk as breath, wherein I, in every moment, direct myself within what is here and what is required to be done – in the moment, immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed procrastination to become a habit as a personality that I defend because I have become addicted to laziness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a habitual behaviour of laziness through constantly and continuously procrastinating – creating and manifesting the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind, to which I have become addicted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind – whereby I have come to believe that I am unable to move and direct myself in my world – completely accepting myself as the self-definition of ‘I am a lazy person’ – through which I limit myself to the utmost degree.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to laziness and the feeling of laziness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being lazy and for allowing myself to believe that this is who I am, and that I cannot change, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant judgement of myself as part of who I am as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the thought ‘I cannot change’ and to believe that this thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people may find out that ‘I am lazy’, because in my judgement of myself as lazy I feel ashamed of being who I am according to my definition of myself as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep my laziness a secret, and for not allowing myself to realize that in doing this I am deliberately keeping my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this laziness and to fear the loss of this laziness, within which I am fearing the loss of who I am as who I have defined myself to be as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by a system of energy in which I ‘take it easy’, when in fact I am going into a shut down mode of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘I don’t need to do that’ and for believing that this thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘I am too tired’ and for believing that this thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘I don’t feel like it’ and for believing that this thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘It can wait’ and for believing that this thought is me. Within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I am actually saying that I can remain in a state of waiting in this moment that I let go past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘I can’t be bothered’ and for believing that this thought is me.

Within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that in saying ‘I can’t be bothered’, I am actually stating a belief that I am unable to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of the irritation that comes up within me when I have been ‘bothered’ in which I also fear the loss of my cozy cocoon of energy of laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my reactions onto others in which I make them responsible for my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reactions of irritation because they are forcing me to move out of my cozy cocoon of energy of laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘it is not urgent’ and for believing that this thought is me.

Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be only directed by urges that may seem to force me to do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing ‘that nothing is urgent’, so as to justify my refusal to move and to act only in ‘my own sweet time’ as in the sweet time of consciousness in which I do nothing, and in which I am not really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the real urgency of action in physical reality to turn about in me and in the world as one the forces of self-interest to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a lazy person and from this self definition and addiction to this feeling of laziness to manipulate myself into believing that I cannot act in the moment when I am required to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a victim by my own design within accepting this self-definition of me as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a procrastination system of resistances to acting in each moment according to what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness by believing that ‘I have got away with it’; ‘that’ being an activity that I have judged already and programmed myself to not enjoy, or to fear doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amplify my fear of future fear so as to justify my laziness in not doing what in this moment needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and believe the thought ‘What’s the point?’ and for not allowing myself to see that I am stating that ‘There is no point’ and that ‘if there is no point I will not do it’ and that unless I see an immediate benefit in the form of energetic self gratification then I will not do it and that I am using this as an excuse and justification so that I can remain in my containment in myself as laziness and not do anything and deliberately withdraw from life so as to remain in this illusion of myself as mind in spite of what is happening to my world in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge with and as my mind what are important and not important points for me to face within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my own judgements as voices in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control this process of myself through myself as the mind in this process of releasing myself from myself as the mind, and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the contradiction that I live and that I have trashed my own integrity for the sake of an energetic experience in my mind that I only value because it is what I think is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgements about what I am required to do in this moment according to the question of ‘What’s the Point?’ in the context of my own self-interest, as in “What kind positively charged energetic experience will I get out of this?”

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to act directly in the moment in common sense, or else assess the ‘point’ according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and believe in the thought ‘It doesn’t matter’ and for not allowing myself to see it as an excuse and justification so that I can remain in my containment in myself as laziness and not do anything.

I forgive myself that even though I realize that what matters is that all consequences become what is best for all that I have accepted and allowed myself in spite of this to make excuses and justifications of why I should not act in common sense in response to this, creating this, supporting this, in thoroughness and detail so that I know that I have done what I could do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing in my mind that if I do not act, then there will be no consequence, so that I can feel ok about remaining in my containment in myself as laziness and not do anything but satisfy myself with good intentions and give myself good feelings in visions about what I’m going to do tomorrow, while all the time I know in my secret plans that when tomorrow comes I can ‘if I feel like it’ make the same choice I made today, while secretly I know that I will certainly feel that way because I am addicted to this feeling of laziness, and I am playing games of self deception with myself which I do not want to look at because I fear seeing  that I have trashed my self integrity in service of this laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing in my mind that ‘nothing matters’ so as to justify myself as laziness, and for within this denial of what is real to cultivate an attitude which promotes Life as a game, in which I can be unaware of my spite and my self abuse by existing in facetiousness and entertainment and an illusion of a reality without consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be waiting in this beingness of me that I have allowed and accepted in this containment of now as as laziness as me waiting for myself in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘nothing matters’ in the service of my self-interest as the web I’ve spun around myself as laziness and for not allowing myself to realize how I am creating a world in which nothing matters and the suffering that is in the world doesn’t matter, and the destruction of life doesn’t matter.

Self Correction.

Here I make a list of all these excuses and justifications that came up in my self-forgiveness statements: to each one of them I give a red flag:

Before I say ‘I’ll deal with it later’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘I’ll take it easy’, I stop, I breathe, I ask myself is this really actually so ‘difficult’? Or is it just this that I am doing? It is what it is. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘I don’t need to do that’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind to wait until a ‘need’ arises. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘It’s not urgent’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind to wait until an ‘urge’ arises. I direct myself to act. I do not wait until the point where it is too late. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘I’m too tired’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind to wait until I have some energy. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘It can wait’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind that I can wait within this moment in the past. Instead I simply apply myself to the task.

Before I say ‘I can’t be bothered’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this manipulation of myself that I cannot act. I do not accept this irritation with myself this relationship with myself as laziness. Instead I stand and do what needs to be done.

Before I say ‘I don’t feel like it’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind to wait until a feeling comes that I prefer till I do what needs to be done. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘It doesn’t matter’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this judgement from the mind about what matters and what doesn’t matter, I matter, it matters to me that I take direction of myself into my own hands, to not let procrastination be an issue in my life. I do not neglect the things that need to be practically done, I stay abreast with myself and I manage the tasks which arise in my day. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘What’s the point?’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this statement from the mind. The point is this point that I am in to say this. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

I do not accept myself to trap myself within these moments of my life.

Corrective actions to releasing myself from procrastination and laziness as integrated into my Physical body.

Doing things differently with my Physical body. When and as I see myself going into habitual patterns of sitting down in the same chair or in the same way, I stop, I breathe, I sit somewhere else, or I sit differently, or I sit on the floor, or I do not sit at all, I direct myself in my physical behavior. I move my physical body.

I commit myself to Actively releasing myself from this construct.

This is an application of the realization that I am at all times showing myself what I am and what I have become so that from this position of stability as myself in my breath I can face what is here to be faced and no longer fall into relationship with my relationships in which I am reacting to my reactions and servicing myself as this addiction to energy that I have become.

Discipline.

In breaking out of Procrastination and its outflow of Laziness specifically and in me walking this process, I am walking discipline. Here I redefine this word so that it stands as a principle for what is best for all life and can practically be lived by all equally.

Here is the system definition:

The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience

To train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

To obey rules and if they are not obeyed punishment will follow.

Sounding the word:

Dis is de line, this is the line,

This Is The Plan!

New Definition:

Discipline: To as breath in each moment be aware, to see and realize that This Is The Plan, to act within the single plan of what is Best For All!

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Day 6: A Breath in Existence

How can it be said?

How to bring through this the most simple of discoveries that Existence Is

into this compound ‘reality’, this manifestation of our projections according to the definitions that we have accepted and allowed? The very word ‘meaning’ has already become subverted into separation and the effects of self-interest. This is why the bringing back to Self and the redefinition of words into alignment with what is best for all is our only way through ourselves into apprehension of this Simplicity of Ourselves as Existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a reality according to the definitions of who I am as a system of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my world and my reality according to the definitions of the programs of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Existence according to the ‘reality’ of who I am in separation, as a system of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the significance of Existence Is

other than according to the definition of reality that I have accepted as a system of the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see before this platform of me as Existence on which to stand as stability of me so that I can take responsibility for who I am as what I am creating here from breath to breath.

I dedicate myself to Share this platform of Existence in any way I can so that all may have a place to stand, a stability from which to change this consciousness to what is best for all.

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Day 5: Me as Unconditional Exposed

 

Today a specific point about this one word ‘unconditional’.

I forgive myself.
I am able to stand in these words of my responsibility to give myself back to me.

‘I forgive myself unconditionally’.
Today I see and realize how it is that I have not yet lived this word, unconditional. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simulate a version of myself in as that I would wish to be within such a word as this. What are these conditions of me but the resistances that I have not yet written out or walked or yet resolved or realigned to what is best for all? In seeing and projecting myself and representing myself in and as this exalted state in the future, I do not return myself to me, but back into this illusion of myself as consciousness, as a belief in magic that I can somehow skip the physical process of this walk and be what I would wish myself to be; absolute without condition of resistance. How can I really use the word unconditional in self honesty before I have really actually practically walked again in correction of the points that make the pattern of the steps that led to me? I prepare myself in practicality to live this word of ‘unconditional’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed conditions in my self as relationships of boundaries and limitations based in my own self interest as a system of energy and that I have accepted myself as less than my own conditions and that in so doing have become controlled by own creations.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that within this fear of speaking before my time to speak there lays hidden my fear of self as self-dishonesty in using words I have not lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat myself with this excuse of fear so that I may never give myself the opportunity to realize and understand the discomfort that I feel and actually find my way to live the words I wish to live.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I have been living out a belief in magic that if I were to speak a word inflated by my desire to live it, then I might somehow induce the substance of the word as me.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize how in using this word unconditional: I have used it as a word to express what I would ‘like’ to be, and as an energetic ‘boost’ to my feeling ‘good’ about myself, and as a separated magic ‘spell’, and to qualify the ‘extent’ of my self forgiveness, – that I am in no way assisting and supporting myself to realign myself to myself in equality and oneness but instead I am reasserting myself as the consciousness relationships that I wish to release myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to publish words into the systems of the world as packages of my starting point in self interest and self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a world in which words are used in separation from self.

I commit myself to walking the steps of this process, one by one and to speaking from where I am here.

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