Day 9: Chameleon in the Matrix
Looking now at this point of isolation of myself and learning how to remain with myself in breath in being actually present here in the company of a human being, I see how I have been experiencing this as a point of ‘failure’ to meet my own expectations of myself in which I have made a picture of myself in my mind ‘sharing’ this experience I have of me in the quiet of my life alone, while being with another ‘person’ in the ‘world’.
In this picture in my mind I have sketched out an outline of a relationship within which an idea of how I would want me to be, with no reference to an actual being or an actual real place or situation in physical reality. There is no actual real me in this either. As such, this expectation I have made for me is that I will be one and equal to being exactly the same in myself with myself at any time and with anyone and anywhere, with no reference to the physical circumstance, or the wants needs or desires of this ‘personality’ as how I have defined them to be, in this ‘meeting’ that hasn’t even happened! One day perhaps I may be one and equal to an absolute constant of stability but I have to face it that I am still walking this process and that the reality of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be will only become clear in the circumstances of my interactions with other beings.
Here also is a fear of losing my stability, in which I separate myself from stability, and then offer myself the solution of ‘standing my ground’, in an image of my posture and the spreading of my feet. Within this I notice that it is ‘my’ ground on which I stand, a ground that I ‘own’ as a separate me, rather than the physical ground that we share.
There is a fear of this ‘gap’ between us in the moment of our meeting. It is in this gap that I feel drawn out, that I feel a pressure to respond. This gap is like a trigger point, it is the moment when I accept and allow my consciousness and mind to step in for me with my social personality. The thing is that I have already prepared the way. I have defined the situation already with me being a separated ego in which I ‘own’ the ‘ground’, in which I am ‘meeting’ a ‘personality’. What else could happen next according to my own design but an interaction between two mind consciousness systems?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this personality of knowledge and information in this situation, to make a pitch in order to dominate and win and be in this relationship as something superior with goods to ‘give’ for the enlightenment of another so that I can feel better about myself .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine in my mind and define a future for myself in which I program the limits to what may possibly happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future and then compare where I am to where I had projected myself to be – and then I judge where I am now as ‘worse’ than where I had projected myself to be – and I think and believe that I have failed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that failure is real and that failure exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see a being as one and equal to the being of me and have chosen instead to see a personality through my own eyes as a personality and through this have chosen to throw away responsibility for me so that I can feel safe within the mutual acceptances and allowances of the matrix.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of ‘stability’ and for not allowing myself to see that I am deliberately abandoning stability as who I am in exchange for the illusion of stability within the illusion of myself as a system of energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this situation as it happens with me accepting and allowing a personality as me to step in and to direct. Within this I forgive myself that I am not allowing myself to see that this is only happening because I am accepting and allowing it to happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resign in this situation to the impulse of my own mind to take over and direct. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear as an excuse for not standing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the real meeting between two beings, and any possibility of mutual assistance and support in equality by pre-defining and pre-specifying the relationship in my mind according to how I want it to be as an ego in support of the survival of myself as a mind consciousness system.
I commit myself to investigate this chameleon design of me.
I commit myself to standing with myself as breath as who I am before this ‘gap moment’ in the meeting. I commit myself to support the possibility of an actual real meeting between two beings.
see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life