Day 11: Unrecognized Regret
Regret. It’s interesting how regret follows on and out of the procrastination that I have lived and from my own self-entrapment and addiction to laziness. That in the circumstance of the reality of physical time, in which it can be too late, or that I’ve left it until it’s too late, or the reality of death in which it is too late to put things right, or say what I should have said, that I can then go into the feeling of regret, so that my addiction to laziness transforms smoothly into this experience of regret. Because I see now something that I haven’t seen before about regret in my life, which is that because I have been defining it simplistically according to only major traumas or obvious turning points in peoples’ lives. Like for example the death of a loved one, or a commitment to the ‘wrong’ relationship, or the choice of the ‘wrong’ career. And I have associated it too, with old age and nostalgia, and the realization that the life and the opportunity has gone by. In these vague pictures I have never been, myself, but instead been seeing regret as a phenomenon of other lives, a phenomenon of literature and films, or as an implication within ‘if I knew then what I know now…’ and I have judged it as rather a useless occupation since it has seemed to involve escaping into an alternative reality in which the clocks could be turned back. So having witnessed various expressions of regret I came to define regret itself around those expressions, as a sort of extreme of disappointment of expectations, or as an aspect of a mysterious grief that I did not understand. I never considered or investigated what regret itself might actually be beyond that, or the possibility that I might be intricately involved in it and as it as a part of who I recognize this ‘me’ to be.
Seeing realizing and understanding how it is that this world is the way it is according to my acceptance and allowance, I have only to look through my eyes to see the resonance of my regret right there in front of me. Like for example I was looking out of the bathroom window across the neighbours’ gardens at a tree. I saw the tree as having an expression, sort of reaching out with a dead branch, doing ‘it’s best’ under the circumstances of the traffic fumes, but what I was referring to was myself as this feeling in my energetic experience of this sadness, this lack inside myself that I have made, this incompleteness of this thing that I would wish that I had done, or this thing that I would wish that I had not done along the way along the accumulation of the consequence of what I see before me. And there I was behind a piece of glass, feeding off the energy that I was generating within myself as this regret.
When I look around the objects in this room, so many of them symbolize through my eyes as connections to relationships gone by, relationships unfinished or broken off or incomplete, as if the images of the beings themselves remain attached and utilized for the energetic purpose of regret. Or else I see these objects as the result of some transaction that in some way had been an abuse of life, or else remain connected to their histories of slavery and abuse and ultimately the raping of the Earth for money. All this I utilize within regret like an energetic atmosphere to breathe for this separation of this me as illusion of myself, this entity of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much of my experience of who I am has been tempered by regret, and how through regret I have accepted and allowed myself to be living in the past as who I am and projecting the past as my regret onto all I see around me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the raping of the earth for its resources and for the ends of money is a direct reflection in this world as a consequence of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a system of consciousness and as such in need of energy to survive and so actively raping the resources of my own physical body to convert them into energy in which process I have accepted and allowed myself to support within living regretfulness as a system of energy the destruction both of myself as life and of all life in the pursuit of energy and money.
I commit myself to standing up and stopping the cause the origin of this reality that is me. I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding the specifics of this system of regret that I have accepted and allowed as life in me and in the world as all as me.
…I continue with regret 2 next blog
see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life