photograph: a horse walks into the yard, Desteni Farm

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Day 226: Poor Little ME

See Atlanteans, Understanding Self Pity

Walking through Self Pity continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as self interest in ME defined as relationships of energy within my mind as systems of self judgement and self pity and I commit myself to walk through this points with writing and self forgiveness and self correction through understanding these patterns that I have created so that I may walk myself from consciousness as energy and into actual awareness in this physical reality.

An internalized family drama:

“Poor little me, my self judgement is getting sooo bad, I seem to live in constant torment, I do my self forgiveness but every thought just gets torn to shreds, all dimensions of myself like opportunities to self-inferiorize – and it’s just sooo bad and I don’t know what to do, and poor little me…”

Here the self pity talks with the intention of arousing sympathy and the possibility of someone doing or saying something to ‘help’ – not a direct ‘help me’ request – it is more manipulative – it’s like if I can show you how victimized I am, then maybe I can have excuses made for me, given to me, support in justifying myself as this… and maybe along the way build up an image of myself as somehow rather heroic in trying sooo hard against such infinitely narrow odds, so that I can dignify my victimhood and at the same time make it real.

… and the self judgement says, ah there there, poor little you, you really are sooo pathetic, I don’t want to have anything to do with you, you are just not good enough, I am disappointed in you, pull your socks up, be a man, grow up will you…

And so the self judgement mimics the self pity in mocking tones of sarcasm.

Here is a general flavor of the internal conversation, both as a distorted echo of family relationships, (and also and maybe more so, cartoon, media, soap, film, tv, literature, mythology and other sources of off-the-peg personality suits, scripts, scriptures, programs and programmings) and as internal energy relationships that I have accepted and allowed as a system in my mind – with the masculine judgement and expectation disappointment modelled on the father, and the sympathetic protection and support modelled on the mother, that is at the same time protective and dis-empowering –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in responsibility as being a threat, and that through this I have accepted and allowed myself to structure my mind with different aspects of blame for how I have become. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father and my mother, and to confuse the actual living beings with memories that in reality are configurations of energy in my mind.

This appeal for sympathy in literally ‘being’ pathetic is a manipulation attempt to get someone to side with me in arguing for my limitations, it is like pulling someone into a conspiracy to support me in self sabotage. Here I stop for a moment, because the self judgement would like to extend these sentences about me, based on how wicked and evil I am. And so I breathe. The self judgement has had a long history of dominance in my mind, to speak for me, as me, through me, largely I see now, as an initiator of self pity, which then in turn would speak for me as me, in a dwindling world of disempowerment, which is like a basic experience of myself that I have chosen to live, that I have chosen as a themic background, and realizing that this choice has been mine, then obviously I can also choose to stop this. And hence I learn now to take the power back to me that once I gave to this self judgement, that given the power, would ensure my victimhood, and would prolong my relationship to self responsibility as it being a threat, rather than as who I am, this opportunity to live.

Seeing and realizing and understanding that the disempowerment and constant weakening process that I have accepted and allowed for the sake of staying within and as self pity, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that it is also this state in which my actual real strength must remain a guarded secret, even from myself, because my justification for the giving up and giving in to the self pity is founded on my apparent, or postured strengthlessness, symbolized by ‘poor’,’little’,’me’, and that appeals for sympathy are appeals for support and recognition of this strengthlessness to bolster up its required reality within this system as me. Therefore also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see this function that I have allotted to self judgement, to stand as a guardian of the secret of my actual strength from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize self judgement as a means of disguising and distorting words to prevent myself from investigating what it is I actually live – within and as the words themselves – where attaching negative energies to words through judgements – I have allowed myself to go into reactions with the words – such as here specifically – the word ‘manipulation’, with which I have accepted and allowed myself to judge manipulation negatively, thereby suppressing any insight into me as the manipulator – of myself as experience of energy, and of others in their experience of energy, and of others in relationship of energy to me – because in consequence, it is something that I have accepted and allowed myself, through this judgement, to fear to see – and through this charging of this word, I have accepted and allowed myself to effectively block my understanding of myself and to block my opportunity to find a solution to what is going on in the apparent dramas or tempests of energy in my mind, or how it is that ultimately within it all I stand responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I have resorted to manipulation of energy such as this quest for sympathy in this apparent victimhood of self pity, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned into an accumulation of disempowering experiences especially under the impact of intense self judgements where I have come to believe in and experience myself as strengthless.

Heaven’s Journey to Life: Once upon a time, there was a Thought, Awareness and a Water Drop…(Part Three): DAY 472 |…

Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 518: Why Are we Here on Earth? Sexuality and Kundalini – Part 5

EQAFE:http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

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Day 225: Baggage, and Judging My Personalities

November 15, 2013 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation • Desteni.org •

See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of Rights

Living Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

photograph: hand luggage

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Day 225: Baggage, and Judging My Personalities

A photograph of my hand luggage, last thing to remove from my accommodation before travelling to the farm. As such, this picture represents that point of leaving, having finished a whole process of clearing away my belongings, putting things in storage, sweeping and cleaning and wiping and organising, doing last minute jobs to get the money. Standing in the emptied room with my hand luggage on the table, about to walk out of the door, seemed like a significant moment. Taking a photograph of this was like a note or a memo to look at this later. But in fact I had already looked at it and seen it, and I had seen what I had put into my bag, and I had seen the bare physical reality of the room in which I had lived amongst and in my personalities and other distractions, and now I was standing next to the chair that once I’d sat in, standing next to a window that once I’d looked through, standing in a structure that I had not really noticed in my life. It was like a question had half-formed in my mind – does it take such a drastic leaving process to really notice the predicament of my physicality, that like the objects in this room, my physical body was placed here and there, moving this way and that amongst them, and as one of them. Perhaps I’d never really noticed that my body was a physical object in a room of a building in a town on a piece of land, during a period of time within existence. So busy in my mind and paranoias of relating to the energies within it as if they were actually real, that I’d overlooked over and over again the plain fact of my physical existence, had become habituated to this, had lived amongst and as relationships rather than the things, had lived amongst the thoughts and feelings, the memories, the past, the images that came into my mind. And now I stood within this empty room, on the point of leaving through a door, as a body wrapped in various fabrics, and shoes designed to protect the feet, and a bag designed to sling the strap across a shoulder.

Looking at this now I see it’s like a transition out of a relationship possession, where one discovers in an extraordinary moment that one is simply here, actually with a physical being, or actually simply alone for a moment in awareness of the stability of the physical environment, and all of those concerns that seemed so real have turned out to be ephemeral and like a dream, and melt away, because the substance that was given them is now withdrawn – and another thing – that in this physical environment, I am also here.

How ‘extra-ordinary’ has become ‘bizarre’ is in a way an indicator of how I have become habituated to a simulation of reality that has no self. Where awareness of self in and as a part of physical reality has come to seem, strange, or alien, that no longer fits into the system.

Well it’s not as if I left my personalities behind, packed away in storage in another country – I brought them all along with me! – my baggage – and one of the things that I have realized is how intensely I have accepted and allowed myself to judge these personalities when and as I become aware of them in action, in the records of my memory, in interactions with the people on the farm. As in moments of becoming aware of my moments of unawareness, that I then judge myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, rather than seeing myself within these moments of unawareness, and seeing this as an opportunity for understanding of myself and supporting me with seeing how I can change these things, take myself from unawareness and into self direction, use the tools provided, be grateful for the opportunity that I am showing myself. Whereas what I realise now is that standing in and as judgement of myself in unawareness, in my personality designs, that I allow myself to be directed into these episodes of self attack and bad feeling, not only that but I realise how much my behaviour is and has been shaped by a strategy of navigation in which I avoid the situations that lead into bad feeling.

Here is a locked down system of self-sabotage: I show myself the points that I need to look at and to realign, but I avoid to look at them or I avoid the situations where I might be confronted with them, because I believe that I will automatically go into self judgements and consequential experience of feeling bad, so that in a strategy of avoidance of feeling bad experience, I also avoid the opportunity of self correction, realignment, and thus of expansion and growth and self strengthening – I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped in a system that cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this reaction of self judgement such power, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the victim in relation to self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the personalities that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody and to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a personality as me that judges and attacks other personalities within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I should be perfect’, or that as this personality that judges things, that I know what is ‘right’, and how I ‘should’ be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions of impatience or irritation or anger at myself for not being the way I think I should be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind an image of myself as perfection, and to want others to see me as perfection. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as not perfect. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear situations where I might be exposed as not perfect, and to fear seeing situations in my mind as memories in which I might have exposed myself as not perfect.

Within all of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fallen into accepting and allowing a personality as me to be directing my own process of self realisation, in which I follow and align myself with images of perfection in my mind, as if there is some part of me that already knows where process leads, and what it is that I must simulate, in order to arrive at some place that it has already been. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know in my mind where process of self realisation leads, that all that I must do is match myself with this appearance or image in my mind.

Heaven’s Journey To Life: Day 468: Taming the Wild Nature of the Mind (Part Two)

Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 517: Why Are we Here on Earth? Creation of the Machine -Part 4

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

EQAFE:

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

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Day 224: Intensity of Self-Judgement

November 14, 2013 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation • Desteni.org •

See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of Rights

Living Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

photograph: images of life from Desteni Farm

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Day 224: Intensity of Self-Judgement

With reference to the Atlantean series on Self Pity, I continue to explore these points about self judgement, feeling bad and transition into and as self pity. And a realization about the severity of at least some of my self judgements – that the virulence and intensity of these self attacks are a reflection of my belief in the conditionality of my acceptance into a group. When I look into the memories of my past, I find no realisations of the simple fact of being Here, acceptance of myself by me without condition – but instead, memories of situations in which I believe myself to be exposed and ostracized by ridicule, and who I am within this in a relationship of desperate dependence, to be a part of it, depending on the positive judgements as a consensus of the ‘others’, and seeking to define myself within and by, according to these judgements. There is an absolute submission as the victim statement here, of, ‘I’ll be whatever you want me to be’. Or – ‘I will accept and allow myself to define my whole beingness so as to fulfill this want need and desire for the experience of inclusion.’ – Kind of ‘lurking’ behind this is a consciousness or energy-awareness version of ‘Together we are Strong’, or ‘within this I will be con-formed’, or within this togetherness ‘I will be hidden’, so that within this I do not have to do the constant work of facing who I am responsible for myself and the process of my becoming, but instead to ride the ride of my received identity within the imagined group.

Imagined – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be or to not be in a relationship not with real beings in the physical reality but with characters or ‘groups’ that I see within my mind in which I see myself as either included or else rejected as with my family or with school ‘groups’ and apparent ‘group’ entities that I have projected in the world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put these imagined realities over and above what is actually really here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in-clusion to be connected to positive energy through the judgements of my mind, judgements that I have stood within and as. And I forgive myself that through this I have also accepted and allowed exclusion also as a reality within my mind and my imagination, and so also as a principle that operates within reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed inclusion and exclusion as something that exists as real upon an existential level and for not having seen and realized and understood this as a relationship possession of the mind, and as a form of paranoia. I commit myself to stand within this realization of myself substantially as alone but in dependence to the human group, the physical life-form group, one and equal in the physics of this existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach emotional charges to the ideas in my mind in which I see an image of relationship – and who I am towards that image, and how I am within that image, and how my status stands or falls within that image in my mind, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this access to judgements of myself in which I utilize this standing or this falling as a focus of self blame and self recrimination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this point of the severity and intensity of self judgements – that I have not allowed myself to see that the intensity is in direct proportion to the want need and desire to get in-clusion – like the specific ‘you shouldn’t have done that’ or ‘I did something ‘wrong’’ reactions and self judgements to memory pictures in my mind of something that I said or did – where there is at the same time both a feeling of grief and a realization of loss, and fear of loss combined within this energetic shock of judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and to become enslaved to this fear of loss of this imagined ‘status’ of ‘in-clusion’ within imaginary relationships within my mind, and then to project those fears onto actual real beings in my world.

Physically here, while at the same time as the absolute expulsion of the living breath and a final sinking, is a stabbing of pain between my eyes and like a contraction of the tissues in my forehead, and closing of the eyes, a momentary shut-down of the system.

Observing the physical effects of this paranoia, here I have placed a flag of assistance and support to redefine these physical processes as a reminder to breathe, to remind myself that actually really in the real world and reality, I am here. I am here within the abundance of the physical reality of countless physical beings and physical awarenesses.

Here also in the placing of this flag or marker, I remind myself that I can use my imaginative facilities in a constructive way, rather than to be directed by them, as in this situation where my attention, the focus of my awareness is gripped onto and glued to an alternative and unequal polarized reality of imagination/memory/judgement/denial in this pantomime of energy formations within my mind. All of this – I can let it go entirely, or I can bring it back to look at in the cool context of my unconditional self equanimity, to be seen, looked at analyzed and specified and re-aligned according to my self direction. And here I choose to make this flag a permanent marker until such time that I do not need it to be there, until such time that I do not need to re-align myself.

Within this also, I now see and realise and understand that this flag point is also a marker some way into the processes of self diminishment and self inferiorization under the direction of judgement that I have accepted and allowed, therefore it is a flag point to some extent of a point of too-lateness – and yet still it is a point at which I can diffuse the physical consequence of feeling bad from which I have accepted and allowed transitions into the pit of self pity, and the absolute self disempowerments within and as this energy.

‘The absolute expulsion of the living breath’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by the judgements of the mind, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to become those judgements of myself, to rely upon those judgements, to align my expressions and behaviours according to those judgements, to seek the guidance of those judgements, the teachings and directions and conditions of those judgements to such an extent that I have become the judgement breathing me, to such an extent that I have accepted and allowed the absolute directive control of judgement of myself to interfere with the constant breath of physical existence, to intervene in my awareness of who I am within and as the breath in every moment.

Within this ‘absolute expulsion’ of the living breath: in sounding these worlds, I see in them connections to the absolute expulsion from ‘the kingdom of’ the living breath, in which within and as this judgement I am as the God of judgement with the absolute power to expel my beingness from existence, and within that allowance, the unquestionable rightness of this energy, that when questioned has in actual fact no real foundation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power so absolutely, and that as a consequence of this, have become dependent on, controlled by, and acceptive of the stings and shocks and put-downs of self punishment inflicted on my being by judgements as the mechanisms and systems of the consciousness of my mind. I take back ‘absoluteness’ as my own prerogative and apply it in my self forgiveness, that I apply forgiveness absolutely for myself and as myself in absolute support and assistance for myself in continuing to walk my self release from these energetic systems and into the awareness of the physical dimensions through the living breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and then suppressed a belief that in standing in absolute judgement of myself that I stand with God – that within the word ‘kingdom’ I have accepted and allowed a relationship of ‘God’ and the ‘world’, that is ‘ruled’ by the ‘laws’ (allowances) of righteousness – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this image of my total abdication of responsibility as a positive energy within my consciousness, through which I have accepted and allowed and justified the negative extremes of self judgement and the experiences of slavery to judgements of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the containment of this word ‘kingdom’, a model of hierarchy and elitism in which the world is ‘ruled’ and reined over by superior power. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and according to the rules of the elitism of myself as the mind and consciousness as superior to the physical.

Heaven’s Journey To Life: Day 468: Taming the Wild Nature of the Mind (Part Two)

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EQAFE:

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

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Day 223: Self Judgements and Feeling Bad

November 12, 2013 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation • Desteni.org •

See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of Rights

Living Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

photograph: images of life from Desteni Farm

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Believed Validity of Self Judgement as a Gateway to Feeling Bad.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider what energy in fact does to me and my physical body and that there exist no valid excuse for indulging in and becoming possessed by energy, with my entire physical body as a living organism being right here with me where one energy in one moment can possess me to such an extent that I can even forget to breathe, to be here, to be me within my entire physical body that is in fact alive and living as life.

Extract from Atlanteans 143, Self Pity: Starting to Let Go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create views through judgements that are in no way perspectives of what is real, but have believed in them and lived according to the validity that I have given them in my mind as an alternative reality to what is here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can accord and attribute validity to relationships within the systems of my mind without an actual reference to the physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions of who I am in a given moment according to the validity that I have given to my judgements. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the validity of my judgements of myself through which I am attacking me with the consequence of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realise that it is my belief in the validity of my judgements that makes a platform for my excuses and justifications to continue to exist in which, rather than releasing myself from relationship with energies, that through this supposed validity that I lock myself into energetic systems that are of no support or assistance to me in any way whatsoever, and that in fact keep me submerged in and as the consciousness of energy itself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question who I am as the validator of my judgements of myself, and hence to question the consequence of this experience of feeling bad. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that it must be therefore that I believe that I am right in feeling bad, that I am right within these self attacks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship to rightness in which I have defined myself as ‘right’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘rightness’ actually exists in physical reality. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a value of energy within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘right’ to an experience of energy accumulation in my mind, and that through accepting and allowing rightness to exist, that I have accepted and allowed the polarity of this energy as ‘wrong’. Therefore I forgive myself that in accepting and allowing this polarity of right and wrong that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate fear of being wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be locked into a system of energy in which I believe that I am right within my judgements of myself that I have said or done something wrong, and then go to feeling bad within myself and into fear of exposure of myself as wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me within the words ‘being’ right, and ‘being’ wrong, in which I have connected a definition of my being to these value judgements of the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack myself with these judgement definitions of myself.

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Heaven’s Journey To Life: Eternal Darkness Part 3

Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 516: Why Are we Here on Earth? The Battle of the Stars – Part 3

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EQAFE:

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

Day 222: Self Pity and Stuckness

November 9, 2013 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation • Desteni.org •

See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of Rights

Living Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

photograph: images of life from Desteni Farm

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Eqafe – So often in the Life Reviews, just as in so many of the series’ being presented and extended almost daily on the Eqafe web site, a being asks, Have you ever questioned why… this, or why …that – and the question posed is in simple common sense – and thus it leads into another question – I ask myself, Why have I never questioned this? Or, Why have I always accepted this without question? Or how is it that I have built up a structure of ‘understanding’, ‘perception’, ‘perspective’ based on such a flimsy acceptance of ‘the way things are’?

In simple everyday language, these interviews pierce the unquestioned veils of brainwashing that we have accepted as reality. The ‘mysteries’ have been turned upside down, and what we are facing is the ‘mystery’, complexities and obscurations that we have accepted and imposed through and as this consciousness as a cover over common sense, and as a distraction to the one physical reality we share on Earth.

Who am I in this, that is, what is my responsibility in this? – It’s interesting that within this question is the solution to why, having accepted and allowed a role of victimization, in other words, one in which responsibility has been rejected, that the question of who am I would therefore remain as a mystery, a vague phenomena behind a wall of blindness.

So this post involves my moving of myself out of a victimized stuckness and seeing realizing and understanding the sweets of sticky stuckness as characteristics of the energy of self-pity.

These realisations are thanks to the explanations of the nature of this particular energy in the Atlantean series, Eqafe, walking through the pit-falls of emotional possession, and the specific interview (142) on understanding the emotion of self-pity.

Realisations in themselves are of no practical use unless they are applied – they are like little positive energy experiences, or moments in a guided perspective of the way things are, momentary glimpses of a way through – thus on hearing this interview, I had an aha type of experience, a feeling like the possibility of liberation, a sense of lightness, or an enlightenment of the heaviness to which I have become accustomed, and hence not noticed, a temporary simulation of understanding, that could so easily become a memory of an understanding type experience – so rather than accepting me as this, I walk myself now in practicality into a real understanding in which I actually stand up from within this stuckness in a commitment to not any more accept or allow myself to participate within and as this energy.

Understanding is like seeing how a thing works, how a system works, and in that seeing, being able to change it – and then actually changing it – and in understanding myself – how I came to be the way I am – the nature of the systems that I have accepted as myself, the how I am of me.

I have been stuck in my writing, judging myself within that stuckness, judging my judgement of myself etc., recurring – and though I have been looking at the point of judgement, or some of the points of judgement, there is something simple that I have not seen, which is that whatever aspects of myself or of my activities that I find to judge, the end result is feeling bad, a consequence of these self attacks of judgement. Sometimes indeed it is as if my past is a tide of feeling bad, always catching up behind me. And while I am in this process of self investigation of the memories of my distant past, I have not realized that I am stuck or self obstructing because when I look into what I have defined as ‘trauma’, an access to self-pity opens up, that I have felt unable to avoid, and not realizing that to write about these memories from within and as this energy, or even channeling this energy into words to speak for me is the reason why that I have felt there to be no solution in my writing thus. The no-solution-ness of self pity energy is a new and valuable perspective to me on all of this, as is the fact of the self awareness, motivations, characteristics of energy itself. I do not think that I would have discovered this without being shown.

So here is how I have built up a barrier to writing out for me my early life experience, a barrier to my opportunity to see how that worked according to the programming I accepted and allowed to put in place – by programming, what I mean here is simple applications of the living words of who I am towards and in things, as definitions of myself that I have scripted for myself and then have lived.

So here, on the top of and covering this lack of awareness of this energy possession is my judgement of self pity itself, where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self pity is both bad and wrong, so that in seeing self pity in myself I have either denied it or excused it, or suppressed it or else have projected it and ‘seen’ and judged it in others, but all the while have judged it in myself, have attacked my own beingness within and through these judgements, and have then gone into the experience of feeling bad, overwhelmed myself with energy, and through this separation from myself have gone into the experience of disempowerment and then activation of and transition into self pity. As stated in the Atlantean interview, the thrill of pure self pity energy does not last for long, and one slips into a mire of despondence and depression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see realise or understand that in self pity, I am in a relationship to energy, and that I can change my relationship to energy, that I can stand up from it, that it is only in it, as it, possessed by it, that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody it as a personality of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and to hang on to the feelings of the energy of self pity, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the sensations of this energy as comfort. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for comfort in self pity, and hence to seek for ways to activate this energy so as to experience this comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the judgement mind value assessment of self pity that it is bad or wrong, while at the same time accepting and allowing myself to go into the energy experience of this as if in secrecy from my own judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within these energy maneuvers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to and to try to preserve the feelings of self pity and through that hanging-on, to accept and allow myself to be brought down into feelings of depression – where I have believed that that I might possibly maybe reconnect or re-access the pure feelings of self pity that I have wanted and desired. Hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in longing and regret and fear of loss in my relationship to self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the energy of self pity and within that to desire the feelings of being held, and being embraced and held by this energy, and to feelings of melting and letting go, and giving up on who I am as responsible within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise and stand up within the responsibility of having ways and means of self manipulation to activate the energy of self pity by using thoughts of judgement, self attack, and imaginations for this purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of regret when I see and look upon the actions that I have made in my past and the consequences that have flowed from them, and that I have accepted and allowed a relationship to consequence that cannot be changed in which I have retreated into feelings of regret rather than to face who I am as responsible for the consequence and to learn from the mistakes that I have made and to reflect on and consider what I have done without participation in the energy, and on who I have allowed myself to be within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself from within this platform of regret for what I’ve done, and from a judgement of myself to go into feeling bad about it, and from this feeling bad to access for myself an entrance into self pity.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that within this maneuver of self judgement of me as bad into feeling bad that I have created for myself a situation in which I cannot see solution and within this position of self victimization through judgement and within that separation from myself and disempowerment, I have created a path that I have conditioned myself to follow into and to activate the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self judgement as a means to generate the required experience of feeling bad so as to overwhelm myself within that energy and so as to distract myself from the solution of myself that I am here responsible, and within this scheme of who I am as overwhelmed and without solution to enter in again the energy of self pity.

This is an ongoing investigation and retraining of myself in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to investigate these flashes of badness, as they occur, where previously I have accepted and allowed this process of reacting to them as experiences of energy in the mind, as activators of self pity. I now commit myself to investigate and observe these experiences within my physical body, and what I find so far is that at the point of the feeling bad experience, I have stopped in the bottom of my out-breath – it is an unpleasant sensation in my solar plexus, and a momentary paralysis in my chest, there is a feeling of suffocation. Looking at this physical effect of self judgement, I see that it is an attempt to stop the flow of life, or an attempt to withdraw from life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these momentary possessions of the mind where I have accepted and allowed myself to become the victim of absolute control of the physical, expressed through this stopping of the breath. I commit myself to as and when this experience of ‘badness’ has come up within me, to allow myself to breathe, to reconnect myself to the comfortability of breath and physical life and livingness, because I see and realise and understand that if I recondition this physical reaction of breath-stopping then there is no access to the experience of badness that I have used to access the energy of self pity.

As and when the activation of self pity energy has occurred, I commit myself to investigate and to observe the influence of this energy upon my physical body, because I see and realise and understand that I have made positive judgements and interpretations of these physical effects and sensations which follow on from the stopping-breath experience as ‘badness’.

–Follow these online blogs:

Heaven’s Journey To Life: Eternal Darkness Part 3

Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 516: Why Are we Here on Earth? The Battle of the Stars – Part 3

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

EQAFE:

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

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