Day 161: Solitude 2

 

  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see that who I am has been controlled by words, that for all the grandiosity of the mind according to my judgement, ultimately my experience of myself as personalities has been like a scrap book of one-liners, all energized by me and strung together, and that I have been reacting to these words, according to the energies that I have accepted and allowed myself to place in them, believing the experience of these reactions to be the totality of me, rather than seeing and realizing and understanding that these are programs that I have made as definitions of myself as energy within and left to run on automatic for me and as me by my own consent and by my own design.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a resistance towards the purification of these words that I have accepted and allowed myself to energize as definitions of who I am, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of loss of positive experience of myself as energy within which I have accepted and allowed myself to make of it a positive experience of myself in having a definition of who I am, because the personality that I have accepted and allowed has come out of a fear that I have accepted and allowed as real, of the experience of myself through my own judgement, the consequence of having no understanding or sense of who or what I am. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of myself within being lost in instability within my mind in separation from myself with my own breath as stability with the physical, and through that fear, to grasp for definitions of myself and find a kind of structure in my mind to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize or understand that rather than experiencing myself with breath and as equality and oneness as the physical of actual life that I have chosen instead to have been experiencing myself as a data base of selected words as personalized energy experiences within and as a story of myself within my mind. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to make an exit from my story.

 

I commit myself to purify these words that I have lived that I have used not as tools for communication in equality and oneness but instead as tags and references and definitions of who I am as energy experience, and I commit myself to purify this energy experience as the characters that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, in which I have believed myself to live.

 

I forgive my self that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the word solitude as an experience of who I am and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as an experience of energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as ‘solitude’, glorify who I am as ‘alone’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become energized as a personality within and as a picture of myself as separated from all beings of the world and for not allowing myself to see and realize this to be an image of myself as absolute self interest.

 

Next post: The relationship between solitude and alone.

 

 

 

 

 

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4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

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Day 160: Solitude 1

 

Solitude, an experience of character formation.

 

Another period of vital time passes by while I scribble down as many fragments of realization that come to the surface as I can. This process is like a kind of grasping at different dimensions from out of the waters of my mind and just landing them onto the physical of the paper as they come, before they slip back in, so loads of scribbled notes, but now I start typing, and I have got to a point of organization where I can start to set this out.

 

This is a continuation of previous posts.

 

I have realized that the, my customized version of the, ‘I don’t Care’ character that stands as a justification of postponement of effort towards self realization, is also a massive system of blame ultimately and a character that evolves out of ‘aloneness’, I start this aspect of my walk through consciousness in looking at a memory from when I was about 14, when I discovered a solution to the negative experience of myself within and as ‘alone’.

 

Memory: I am alone, walking through a school study room, an attic room that had been filled with desks. It had been abandoned suddenly for some reason, littered with open books and school bags. I notice the diary of one of the boys, and I am curious to see what has been written. My eyes focus on a single line… ‘I saw Closs (this might well have read ‘Clo’ which was a nickname that I had been labelled with by this time, and my experience within that will be the subject of a different post, even though it might be and probably is absolutely relevant right now, it is a whole other dimension like many that I have not walked so far…so )… ‘I saw Closs in his usual solitude, sitting on the sea wall…’

 

Solitude. Here I had come across a private perception of me as written down in someone’s diary. It seemed more valid because of this, because it had not been expressed directly in my presence, and so influenced by me, but simply written down as a private observation of another being. This experience of reading these words was like a realization of ‘me’, suddenly believing that I was seeing an actual reflection of myself, the word ‘solitude’ became energized within me.

And while I read, absorbed and integrated this line of writing into me, I summoned up a picture of myself where I had been on that day, and I was imagining myself as seen from a distance, sitting on the sea wall, with the sweep of the sea bay and the sea and sky in front of me.

 

Here I was acting in a belief that if I could take a peek into someone’s mind, about how they saw me, then I would get a realistic estimation of what I was, and it was a belief that arose from out of my total instability and loss of touch of an awareness of my own reality, through my acceptance and allowance as real of my savage judgements of myself, through which I had come to hide away myself from me.

 

So, about the boy who’s diary this was, who’s observations had apparently such authority; he was a boy that I saw and admired as having great stability, (and interestingly to me, a boy who talked about his father in glowing terms, in stories of a father who ‘could do anything’. This was important to me, and this boy’s father seemed to stand behind him in my eyes as an aspect of this stability that I admired.) I saw this boy as someone who could be relied upon to express some common sense, he had an impartiality about him that I admired. So all of this gave his secret writing in his diary, in my mind, authority.

 

The physical reality was that I was looking at the record of having been observed alone, and that it had been noted that this was my ‘usual’ state. But the word ‘solitude’ sort of highlighted and underlined within my mind as representing so much more than the simplicity of the facts. This was because the word ‘solitude’ seemed like an opportunity to both justify and validate my aloneness as the way I was.

 

Subtexts of other energy charged words in relationship to the word solitude as this main energy experience seemed to be almost immediately in place; first of all the word had ‘soul’ in it, like a soul in the context of (only me in) existence, the word itself had ancient lineage, and grandeur, far superior to its actual meaning of ‘alone’, it had thus nobility, and a sort of ‘moral’ superiority, and a smack of elitist blood-line, and there was a dimension of poetry to it, an added aesthetic quality.

 

All in all this word solitude seemed to offer an entire off-the-peg outfit for a character formation, offering a complete definition as an energetic system, as a possibility of a way to ‘live’. Well not complete, it would become the positive solution to the negative experience of myself, maybe one could say, the underwear, as the negative ‘alone’ character as a confused experience of myself as a ‘reject’, ‘inferior’, ‘not good enough’, a ‘liar’. Some of this I have walked already, and more of this I will walk in posts to come. But for now, to note that ‘solitude’ seemed to offer a solution to an experience of myself that I believed and trusted to be unchangeable as ‘who I am’. And also that it was this confused experience of me that was stumbling around in search of definition and evidence of my reality in the outside world, that formed an aspect of my curiosity to go snooping into someone’s diary. It’s interesting that this origin of character creation through the word solitude should be later tucked away ‘safely’ in secrecy beneath a fold of judgement of myself as an ‘eaves-dropper’.

 

Rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that this whole experience of myself had been created by me through my own self judgement and therefore could also be changed by me, I had become lost within believing this experience to be ‘real’ and therefore as a system of energy, I ‘welcomed’ greedily an upgrade or an evolution of this ‘alone’ character into a domain of positive energy experience of myself as ‘special’ or superior by means of using this tool of the word ‘solitude’. So in total self-interest and without reference to the actual physical world, I was choosing to modify and upgrade this illusion of myself that I had accepted and allowed as real.

 

These are some of the circumstances surrounding this event in my life as recorded in this memory.

 

Self Forgiveness on these points, and further into it  next post…

 

 

 

 

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4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

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Day 159: Superiority to the Mind

 

Walking the Dimensions of the Postponement Personality, and personalities in support of Postponement. 

Continuation from previous posts, starting at Day 139

 

Superiority to the Mind

Two Eqafe interviews have been massive support for me in the context of this Day*, they are: Quantum Mind 32, and Reptilians 59.

 

*Well actually this ‘day’ has involved and taken a few days in physical space-time in which I have gone into inner turmoils in my mind, experiencing overwhelmingness, and inferiority and just spaced out confusion before the vastness of the mind, which altogether I realize has been like another aspect of postponement of my own realization and facing of myself, and so postponement of a solution for humanity and life as whole.

 

So in taking responsibility for being actually in fact ‘awake’, see last post, I went back and merged into energy experience as who I am within feeling good about myself and liking me that I had got to this place where I could actually stand by me within my own responsibility as this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings such as elation and victoriousness as I begin to understand and to deprogram the programs that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a system of energy within and as my mind, and that I have used and in fact welcomed such feelings to feed a personality of superiority as who I am as yet another system of energy without seeing or realizing or having an awareness in this shift from the process of walking myself out of these systems to actually walking again within myself as the system, and so have sabotaged and manipulated myself and postponed my own self realization of myself as physicality in exchange for a moment of experience as feelings of victoriousness against and in separation from myself and from my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as ‘winning’ as in believing that I have validated proved and made real myself as superiority and that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to me a reward of praise as positive energy in the forms of feelings such as victoriousness and elation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an energy experience in which I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted from what I am actually doing which is learning how to walk myself out of this energy experience by walking through it as myself in equality and oneness with myself rather than out of this energy experience by winning against it or beating it or rejecting and suppressing it which is what I have accepted and allowed as this superiority as who I am in a relation towards my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become as superiority itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as superiority accept and allow myself to participate in other energy experiences such as winning and being more than others as also more than my own mind and in winning or getting the ‘upper hand’ in a competition, war, battle, fight, skirmish, or tousle or any form of conflict with my own mind, because I see and understand and realize that the automatic nature of the programs that I have written from within their own developed and evolved energetic awareness of themselves will be to resist and to fight back for their own survival as energy so that my only course is to walk through these programs with them and as them and reprogram myself as I go realigning myself in oneness and equality with these programs as myself and as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as superiority, accept and allow myself to be as separated from equality and oneness as life and as the physical because I see that in this I have accepted and allowed myself to be as and to remain as a system of the mind and written into energy as who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as this illusion of superiority, believe that I have control over my mind and can deconstruct these personalities as if they are not me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that in going into competition with my mind in which I have a wish to validate myself as superiority that I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by jealousy in which my fear of loss is connected to a fight about authority which is ultimately a fight against myself within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become as superiority as who I am because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to define myself as inferiority and therefore have experienced myself as this and have feared to face myself within my own experience as this, within which I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own capacity for fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience myself as superiority in which I exist as a positive experience of myself that rises above and transcends the experience of myself as negativity and inferior which I see as being down below because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this inferiority to be real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings because I believe these feelings to be real and as evidence and support of what it is that I wish to make real which is this definition of myself as superiority.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as superiority, believe my judgements to be real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be as superiority because I believe this to be a place or a position in which to stand in which my judgements can be real.

 

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to control reality through superiority as superiority in judgement in my mind, and for not seeing and realizing and understanding that what I have done is to find a way as an energy awareness that I can believe my judgements to be real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that the reality that I believe myself to have apparently lost is the reality that I myself have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate in going into energy experience in separation from myself within the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for and search for this reality through the means of validating this me as superiority of judgement that I have accepted and allowed as who I am within the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that reality is something that I can figure out or reconstruct within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that superiority exists in physical reality, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as something that does not in fact exist in physical reality but only as a relationship of energy as illusion in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that superiority exists and so within that, winning, competition, and inferiority and losing to exist also, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as superiority give my consent to games of energy and of polarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in games of polarity as energy in relationships of separation to the mind in which I go to first superiority and then to inferiority towards the mind in which I have accepted and allowed myself as victorious and in control and winning and then as powerless defeated and overwhelmed, while in both of these extremes I have accepted and allowed my feelings and emotions as evidence of this being real.

 

Within this I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid my own process of learning how simply breathe and walk stability as myself as one and equal with each program of the mind that have been according to my own design so that I can practically walk by changing each program one by one and breath by breath and walk myself thus from energy into equality and oneness as the the physical and as who I have the opportunity to become as actual life.

 

Therefore I commit myself to walk in breath and as stability and not allow myself to participate in feelings of and about who I am within my own process in relation to the mind and I commit myself to not allow myself to participate in judgements of my progress in this process because I see and realize and understand that in accepting and allowing myself to participate as such I simply activate more personalities of energy, so that all that I am doing in effect is postponing my own process by going into experience of energy and games of distraction in  my mind.

 

I commit myself to continue on this walk through the personalities as I see and realize and understand that this ‘superiority toward the mind’ came up as I entered into walking the ‘I don’t care’ character which is a character that justifies postponement and constructive cancellation of realization of who I am within this moment as responsibility to life.

 

So therefore I commit myself to breathe and in and as stability investigate this ‘superiority’ that I find connected to the ‘I don’t care’ system of energy and automated thought as a character that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by within and as my mind.

 

 

continuing in next post…

 

 

 

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Changing the Character of the World

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

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Day 158: Kidding Myself For Energy

 

In accepting and allowing the I don’t care character to initiate and charge up, I realize that through fear I am going into a belief that I can escape from responsibility.

 

Having accepted and allowed postponement of the task that is here before me, I do not feel good, I need to justify and validate my decision here that I have let go of my responsibility and my commitment. But I kid myself that I have let go of my responsibility, because it is still is here, so it’s more like how can I kid myself more convincingly, so as to feel ok, and keep/have/get this positive energy experience in purity unsullied by these bad feelings, so as to match that image in my mind.

 

Who am I within and as this character of I don’t care? It is like I am appealing to my rights, living as an assertion that I have a right to not care, and to continue not caring for as long as I wish, because I have this power to care or not care to wield exactly when and as I choose, or as the feeling takes me. So I go into defensive strategies in protection of the system and the mind, and I do my best to suppress myself as this awareness of responsibility and so allow myself to go into the choice that has been made for me within not mattering anymore but becoming as an energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can separate myself from my responsibility, that somehow I can be not responsible for what I have accepted and allowed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I have imagined this reality in which I am not responsible for what I have accepted and allowed.

 

I commit myself to see and realize and understand that I have always been responsibility itself within my self suppression within my self distraction within my acceptance and allowance of all things in every moment that I have lived.

 

I commit myself not to wake myself up but to stop attempting to live this denial of myself that I am not already in fact awake.

 

 

 

 

 

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Changing the Character of the World

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
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Day 157: Part of a Mind Construct: The Death of My Father

 

 

I share this memory here to show how it was on a day when I was 17, that I made a decision which would shape my life, which was a decision that my life would be about gratifying my self interest now rather than postponing it till later.

This is a part of a Mind Construct that I have been working on in the Desteni I Process. From the many points that I have raised within this memory, I shall be writing out a physical timeline of events, and from there, Self Forgiveness Statements and Self Corrections.

 

 

The day my father died, I realize now, was the first time that I had considered his existence, that is, apart from me, not in relationship to me. The opportunity of a substantial relationship had now suddenly disappeared. So for the first time, in this too-lateness scenario, I asked myself who he actually was, what had his life amounted to, was there some way in which I could summarize his existence. There was a need in me to define the energy that he represented, but at the same time there was this insight that he was in fact and in physical reality another being living within his acceptance of his own wants needs and desires to fulfill.

 

Within who I was as my personal experience of myself I could not disentangle him from my self-judgements and my anger, guilt, disgust, embarrassment, shame, so that in his presence, all that I could feel were these negative experiences of myself which I could not bear to be responsible within, and so I blamed them all on him, and so accordingly I did not like to have him round me, and I did not hang around with him.

 

So when he died, I suddenly experienced this illusion in which all of my suppressions had evaporated like magic and I felt exhilaration and from the depths of my body, I laughed out loud.

 

It wasn’t for a while that my conscience as self-judgement turned around against me with hey isn’t that the most evil thing on Earth to be laughing at, the death of one’s own father? And still entangled as I was with him, I could not see or realize that this exhilaration was entirely in relation to my self oppression, and that he my father the being was not even in the equation and never had been. And so I felt forced to admit that yes, this was a most evil deed on Earth, and absolutely unacceptable, and therefore I will hide this part of me away in case it’s seen by anyone.

 

So, having condemned myself as absolutely as I could imagine, for the benefit of my image in the world, I walked into a future that was both secretly unhampered and exciting, and secretly damned, and I could not find any grief for this being of my father, but only absolute regret for who I was. And when I took moments to consider my crime in this new context of the reality of my father’s separate life from me, I considered it his tragedy that he should have a son that felt this way.

 

And considering this tragedy I looked upon his wants and needs and his desires that were unfulfilled and saw the tragic life of one who had postponed the writing of his book, which was his secret dream, till last, which would never happen now because his death had turned up early.

 

And I remembered how he’d once announced it in a speech made to the family; it was his great regret he’d said, that through all the generations of his family there had been journalists, and he was disappointed that this line would not continue. I felt his disappointment, it seemed like this was the end of his glory as a succession of generations. At the time I thought: “But I too am generated from him, but he does not look at me. Therefore he is disappointed in me that I am not good enough to fulfill his desires”.

 

But considering all of this in the light of his death and my recent condemnation of myself, a solution seemed to present itself to me: “Through this offense, I am now in debt to my father, it’s like I owe him something to make it all work out for him. I will honour his life that I have overlooked, and redeem myself at the same time, I will prove my worth in his eyes by finishing what he started.”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that the essence of this decision was to fulfill my wants needs and desires according to my self interest now and not postpone till later; somehow I had found a way to justify myself through honour and redemption, aspects of this ‘good’ repentive personality that had condemned me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that from this starting-point of fear of what I am that I have placed my allegiance into line with the principles of consciousness and energy that is not life.

 

This decision on the day of the death of my father had far reaching consequences. I see and realize and understand that these consequences do not stop here, and that the ripples cannot in fact be stopped, but the action that I can take which is my responsibility to take having seen and understood what I have done, is to change myself as ‘who I am’ in this myriad of relationships that I have accepted and allowed and shown myself within this memory and mass of self judgements and self definitions and thoughts, because all of it consists of ‘who I am’ as energy, and therefore as self interest, that leads into this cumulative deliberate decision of a life of self interest, which is not a life at all but an energy experience, and is in fact in spite of life and the physical reality that is here.

 

So from these memories I will extract the specific decisions of who I am that I have made and in my self-forgiveness walk myself from energy and in correction realign myself with actual life within the principle of What is Best For All.

 

 

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Changing the Character of the World

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
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Day 156: Lazy, Easy, and Superior

 

 

I am walking the Dimensions of the Postponement Personality ( starting at Day 139 ) and also exploring related points and personalities as they come up along the way.

 

…So continuing from out of the last one, ‘Do I fight Myself, or Do I give in?’, this post connects to laziness as an addiction to greed for comfortability and easiness as positive energy experience, within a relationship of superiority that I have made towards the mind, and as such another temptation of postponement of realization of who I am as responsibility in physical reality.

 

In this journey to Life I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is a step down or backwards to return to my starting point of who I am as if there is another ‘place’ along the ‘road’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up this illusion of myself as this ‘I am not this personality’, personality, in a relationship of judgement that I have chosen, in being superior or elevated in some way towards the personalities, in seeing and conceptualizing personalities as garments or ‘suits’, in which I have imagined myself in separation from them, and in this accepted relationship of superiority I have created also the energetic polarity of inferiority towards the personalities and given away this who I am as Self as Responsibility, to an energy awareness as myself, not seeing or realizing or understanding that I am tacitly ensuring the continued survival of these energy systems as who I am in this simple act of separation from ‘them’, in distancing myself from ‘them’, in making up this illusion of myself as another personality that looks down on personalities in order to apparently see them more ‘clearly’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my own presence of myself in physical breath and then to miss the crucial realization that ‘this is a thought that I am experiencing’, and that I have, am being, a relationship towards this thought that is a personality that I am accepting and allowing embodying and living out and through, and that in ‘missing’ this realization I go into the belief that I have already written out within myself, that this is who I am, rather than seeing and realizing in this moment in my breath that this is who I have decided to be, and how I have decided to base myself on and as this energy experience, and how as this personality I have made the decision to not see or realize or understand the friction and conflict in which I stand, presenting who I am to myself from out of a network of illusions, as energy conversions of my physicality, so that the crucial thing I am missing here is myself as responsibility for this thought.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all of my personalities and from my own mind as a total denial that my beingness is in fact integrated within and as every point within these personalities and relationships of energy, and in so doing I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a choice of a relationship of superiority to my mind through which I have come into conflict with my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand what I have accepted and allowed myself to be within superiority to the mind which is as a positive experience of myself as comfortable as energy as an illusion that I am winning within the power to spite myself and blame myself and to inflate this image of myself as a majority in myself against myself, in being basically good and right and on the lookout for my faults.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consent to my own greed for comfortability and easiness within this positive experience of myself as superiority to the mind, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a comfortable perspective through which to see these personalities that I have become, more easily, more ‘clearly’ at more of a distance in further separation from myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to this comfortability within positive energy experience as superiority as an authority to which I have given the power to decide.

 

I commit myself to let go of this illusion of a self that is separate from the mind that is a belief that I have accepted and allowed to support myself as an energy experience within feeling better about myself in relation to my negative judgements of myself and what I see that I have become within these personalities that I have accepted and allowed as me.

 

 

 continuing next post…

 

 

  

NEW

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Changing the Character of the World

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com

Day 155: Do I fight myself or give in?

Continuation from previous posts. 

I am walking the Dimensions of the Postponement Personality ( starting at Day 139 ) and also exploring related points and personalities as they come up along the way.

For further context on the Backchat Dimension, see Heaven’s Journey to Life, Days 167, 168, 169

 

The postponement personality: some more back chat/internal conversation/double think

 

With this task/responsibility/commitment before me,

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into/listen to an internal conversation question loop: do I fight myself or give in, do I fight myself or give in, do I fight myself or give in?

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I have become distracted by two conflicting choices, both equally unreal. I stop, I breathe. And it’s as if there is this rush on, that I have to, must, decide right now.

 

I breathe, I slow myself down. I do not have to put myself into this situation. What is this fear that makes for such a hurry? What is this inferiority that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in both cases, whether I fight or whether I resign? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this game of energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so distracted that I am no longer even focused on the task before me but instead I am considering how to manage this energy so that I can feel better about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider making a stand against futility in which already I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this futility is real.

 

I commit myself to stop these unrealities such as this internal conversation in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and be directed by.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give such power away to these scripts that I have written and compiled that when I see or sense or become aware in some way that the pattern is beginning to unroll, then I go into fear, rather than to stay with myself as breathing here and look at what precisely is this pattern that I have written for and as myself that obviously I now need to change and realign, so that simply I can direct myself and attend instead to physical reality.

 

 

 continuing next post…

 

 

  

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Day 154: Lazy: A Memory

 

 

 

Aged 12 or so, lying in the long grass on my back, with the grass stems towering up around me like trees, the sound of insects, busy bees, and a bird swoops overhead beneath a clear blue sky. I am on my own and nobody knows that I am here, and within this I experience myself as having no pressure on me, and looking at the clear blue sky, I could be anywhere, and within this I experience as if for the first time, myself. Why would I remember that was because there was something about that particular experience/discovery that was important to me. Looking at this now I realize that I could not access this tranquility of simply being unless I was on my own, and that my relationships with others in my world were fraught with difficulties and awkwardness and insecurities, and my own characters. I realize that because if I had thought that, ‘someone, for example, X, knows where I am’, that then I would not have been here with myself but as a character in relationship to X, and that would have been to me like an experience of pressure, to either do something or else to not do something, but anyway to be in a reaction, or to become this statement that seemed like a compulsion, ‘That I must be now, who I am to X.’

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive experience of energy to this picture of myself as a memory in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive experience of energy to this picture of myself as a memory in my mind in which I am alone experiencing myself without the pressures that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on me of attempting to become as something else that is not me for others within which I have judged myself and through that accepted and allowed a negative experience of me, so that in being alone I am feeling free from that and go to positivity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive experience of energy to this picture of myself as a memory in my mind of lying on my own upon my back amongst some long grass looking up at a clear blue sky and hearing buzzing bees.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be looking for and holding on to an experience of myself that I have once had when I was young and have therefore feared to lose, instead of realizing that I am here.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize or understand that I have accepted and allowed this positive energy experience of myself, alone, out of fear of how I might appear or not appear in the eyes of others when I am in the company of others, and through that fear have created characters to act for me.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize or understand that through judging myself and feeling ashamed of who I really am and hiding the fear that I have accepted and allowed of how I might appear through the eyes of others, that I have become enslaved to this fear that I created and have become dependent on the approval of others, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I must be, this or that for others’, and therefore lived under pressure from myself that I created.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach this positive image that I have created from this memory of lying down on my back amongst the long grass beneath a clear blue sky and hearing the buzzing of bees, to the word ‘lazy’ through which I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience to ‘lazy’ in which I have withdrawn myself from company and pressure on myself and justified not participating equally with others.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realize and understand that within and as this positive experience of energy as who I am in laziness, that I am not here, but in my mind as an energy experience.

 

I commit myself to take apart the components to this laziness that I have accepted and allowed myself to live. I commit myself to take apart the components to this ‘pressure’ that I have accepted and allowed as real and have then reacted to with laziness.

 

I commit myself to breathing and to slowing down myself within and as this practice of deliberate breath, to learning how to be here absolutely with and as myself whether I am alone or in the company of others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Day 153: Postponement and Laziness

 

Walking the Dimensions of the Postponement Personality

Continuation from previous posts, starting at Day 139 

 

 

Up comes the issue of laziness, this personality as lazy, a direct relation of postponement, or part of it, extending from it. This is what I have been facing the last few days, going into confusion experiences in my mind, as mixtures of realizations and self-judgements, leading into backchat such as, I cannot see this clearly now, (and within that, I need to see this clearly in my mind before I write it out…) I will wait till later… Here the deconstruction of how I have been living and embodying the postponement personality reaches to a new point of exposure, like as if it is a last refuge, in which I see a picture of myself as hiding from and in my own investigation, as if the fact of my own laziness has nothing at all to do with my decisions of postponement, like as if this one belongs in a different department, one that I will come to ‘later’.

 

Laziness, as in unwillingness to work.

 

Defined as such this is a relationship that I have accepted and allowed of mind as energy directing and controlling physical effort. So I start my self forgiveness process in my acceptance and allowance of ‘reward’, as I see how I have accepted ‘reward’ as a condition for physical effort.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of myself is caused by others, rather than seeing and realizing and understanding that my experience of myself has always been according to what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through this belief, come to believe that I need to get a positive energy experience as a reward ‘from’ others for work done in the form of approval, or acknowledgement, or gratitude, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not giving to me this positive experience of myself that I expect from them in my belief that my experience of myself is not my own responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to have and be this positive experience of energy as myself, rather than seeing and realizing that simply I am here and that I do not need or require to live within these positive judgements of energy experience that arise within myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become accustomed to, and to depend upon and become addicted to these accumulations of soft energy as comfortable feeling experiences inside myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define lazy with a positive energy attachment, as in being ‘laid-back’, and ‘free-from-stress’, ‘easy-going’, ‘cool’, ‘getting away with it’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and live and embody a lazy character or personality with these attributes to represent its positive polarity, and to have used this personality in conjunction with the postponement personality through which I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on efforts to direct myself and to justify myself within repeated positive energy experience as the lazy option that I have given to myself and programmed into my physical rather than to stand up within uncomfortability and simply difference and walking myself through fear of change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in a negative way for the laziness I have accepted and allowed myself to live and embody as this character through which I have accepted and allowed myself to hide and suppress this negative experience of myself and to feel shame about who I have accepted myself to be within deliberately ignoring and denying my responsibility to myself and others by not moving myself at all but physically doing nothing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in a negative way for the superiority and arrogance that I have assumed in relationship with others in my world and my reality, within which I have secretly claimed to be ‘above all that’ such as participating in what needs to be done and so have acted out in spite, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame about who I have accepted and allowed myself to be in laziness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate this shame that I have accepted and allowed rather than to see and realize that this shame is there because I have lived and embodied this character in support of a relationship of superiority to others and of separation to myself my world and my reality and that I can remove this experience of shame and this character of laziness by realigning my relationships that I have made to equality with others.

 

I see and realize and understand that this laziness in someway overlaps or shares the physical dimensions of postponement, where in a moment of postponement, I allow the lazy personality to assert its positive polarity and through this I have accepted and allowed myself to not move directly to the task that is before me but instead to revert into this coziness of comfortability within my mind, where I do not move my body.

 

I commit myself to deconstruct this laziness that I have accepted and allowed that has developed and evolved and become an addiction through my continual postponement and procrastination, and I commit myself to realign my actual physical movement in physical space as a physical effort towards what is best for all, and within that what is best for me, rather than this limitation and reluctance that I have self imposed to only move myself in relationship to energy rewards.

 

 

 

  

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Day 152: Postponement of Responsibility

 

Walking the Dimensions of the Postponement Personality

Continuation from previous posts, starting at Day 139 

 

Backchat Dimension:

I don’t feel like doing this (work) right now

 

The pattern of postponement that I have accepted to play out has its starting point in my relationship to ‘responsibility’ that I have energized within my mind and charged as negative experience to avoid, and through this I have been moved towards the positive experience to have right now, and essentially to stay within and as this energy awareness as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to see and realize and understand how it was that I had come to define and to live responsibility as a separated relationship within what I had allowed myself to be as a system of energy, as a negative as in my relationship to work-for-money and as what must be done in order to survive, and for within that to have built a personality around the reaction that I had accepted and allowed as an evidence of truth within me and for not seeing and realizing that this denial of responsibility as I had defined it from a starting point of self interest had been a denial of who I am as a physical being within and as the physical as what is really here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility according to self interest.

 

I forgive myself that I had not accepted or allowed myself to see the plain example of this my physical body that supports my living breath as a system of oneness and equality in which every part of it fulfills responsibilities to every other part in every moment as what is best for all. I commit myself to see and realize and understand my location here is as a cell within the body of humanity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the physical living of this my human body through becoming as an energy experience of inequality and superiority to this life by accepting and allowing myself to define this responsibility as life according to the limits of this energy experience in which I accepted and allowed myself to define this life as my responsibility to all as something negative and as a choice that I could make, not realizing how within commitment to this choice I had accepted and allowed my abdication from life itself and from the physical.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that my experience of me as life was in my feelings and emotions, and that my reality was evident in my reactions through which beliefs I have accepted and allowed myself to build up and be directed by characters of energy that are based on retaliation and denial of what is here, such as this character of postponement, which is only in support of more of me as this energy experience that I have accepted and allowed as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have utilized this energy experience to define reality in separation from myself through which I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my awareness to a perspective of existence through self-interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon this task before me of writing out myself into the physical, and then to allow myself to participate with this thought that this responsibility that I have here is actually how I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘responsibility’ in my mind as ‘work’ and as a negative experience through which I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into justifying myself to postpone my own responsibility as who I am in order to preserve and continue in and as this character of energy experience that I have accepted and allowed as me.

 

I commit myself to see and realize and understand the drastic nature of this decision that I have made to define the word responsibility as energy in separation from myself as life, that in my arrogance as a system of the mind that I have deliberately rejected the principle of life, and my actual function in equality and oneness.

 

I commit myself to see and realize and understand the urgency of the situationthat we have come to this juncture in existence where all life forms and everything depends upon the human beings seeing realizing and understanding what has been going on and how we have separated ourselves from life and how to take back our self direction as who we are as life, and taking up within and as this life our responsibilities to ourselves and to each other as ourselves, our world our whole ecosystem that supports our very existence in this world. As such I commit myself to this task of writing out this system of the mind which is shared by all into physical reality in the realization that it is only through this that it may be changed.

 

 

 

  

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4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

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