Solitude, an experience of character formation.
Another period of vital time passes by while I scribble down as many fragments of realization that come to the surface as I can. This process is like a kind of grasping at different dimensions from out of the waters of my mind and just landing them onto the physical of the paper as they come, before they slip back in, so loads of scribbled notes, but now I start typing, and I have got to a point of organization where I can start to set this out.
This is a continuation of previous posts.
I have realized that the, my customized version of the, ‘I don’t Care’ character that stands as a justification of postponement of effort towards self realization, is also a massive system of blame ultimately and a character that evolves out of ‘aloneness’, I start this aspect of my walk through consciousness in looking at a memory from when I was about 14, when I discovered a solution to the negative experience of myself within and as ‘alone’.
Memory: I am alone, walking through a school study room, an attic room that had been filled with desks. It had been abandoned suddenly for some reason, littered with open books and school bags. I notice the diary of one of the boys, and I am curious to see what has been written. My eyes focus on a single line… ‘I saw Closs (this might well have read ‘Clo’ which was a nickname that I had been labelled with by this time, and my experience within that will be the subject of a different post, even though it might be and probably is absolutely relevant right now, it is a whole other dimension like many that I have not walked so far…so )… ‘I saw Closs in his usual solitude, sitting on the sea wall…’
Solitude. Here I had come across a private perception of me as written down in someone’s diary. It seemed more valid because of this, because it had not been expressed directly in my presence, and so influenced by me, but simply written down as a private observation of another being. This experience of reading these words was like a realization of ‘me’, suddenly believing that I was seeing an actual reflection of myself, the word ‘solitude’ became energized within me.
And while I read, absorbed and integrated this line of writing into me, I summoned up a picture of myself where I had been on that day, and I was imagining myself as seen from a distance, sitting on the sea wall, with the sweep of the sea bay and the sea and sky in front of me.
Here I was acting in a belief that if I could take a peek into someone’s mind, about how they saw me, then I would get a realistic estimation of what I was, and it was a belief that arose from out of my total instability and loss of touch of an awareness of my own reality, through my acceptance and allowance as real of my savage judgements of myself, through which I had come to hide away myself from me.
So, about the boy who’s diary this was, who’s observations had apparently such authority; he was a boy that I saw and admired as having great stability, (and interestingly to me, a boy who talked about his father in glowing terms, in stories of a father who ‘could do anything’. This was important to me, and this boy’s father seemed to stand behind him in my eyes as an aspect of this stability that I admired.) I saw this boy as someone who could be relied upon to express some common sense, he had an impartiality about him that I admired. So all of this gave his secret writing in his diary, in my mind, authority.
The physical reality was that I was looking at the record of having been observed alone, and that it had been noted that this was my ‘usual’ state. But the word ‘solitude’ sort of highlighted and underlined within my mind as representing so much more than the simplicity of the facts. This was because the word ‘solitude’ seemed like an opportunity to both justify and validate my aloneness as the way I was.
Subtexts of other energy charged words in relationship to the word solitude as this main energy experience seemed to be almost immediately in place; first of all the word had ‘soul’ in it, like a soul in the context of (only me in) existence, the word itself had ancient lineage, and grandeur, far superior to its actual meaning of ‘alone’, it had thus nobility, and a sort of ‘moral’ superiority, and a smack of elitist blood-line, and there was a dimension of poetry to it, an added aesthetic quality.
All in all this word solitude seemed to offer an entire off-the-peg outfit for a character formation, offering a complete definition as an energetic system, as a possibility of a way to ‘live’. Well not complete, it would become the positive solution to the negative experience of myself, maybe one could say, the underwear, as the negative ‘alone’ character as a confused experience of myself as a ‘reject’, ‘inferior’, ‘not good enough’, a ‘liar’. Some of this I have walked already, and more of this I will walk in posts to come. But for now, to note that ‘solitude’ seemed to offer a solution to an experience of myself that I believed and trusted to be unchangeable as ‘who I am’. And also that it was this confused experience of me that was stumbling around in search of definition and evidence of my reality in the outside world, that formed an aspect of my curiosity to go snooping into someone’s diary. It’s interesting that this origin of character creation through the word solitude should be later tucked away ‘safely’ in secrecy beneath a fold of judgement of myself as an ‘eaves-dropper’.
Rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that this whole experience of myself had been created by me through my own self judgement and therefore could also be changed by me, I had become lost within believing this experience to be ‘real’ and therefore as a system of energy, I ‘welcomed’ greedily an upgrade or an evolution of this ‘alone’ character into a domain of positive energy experience of myself as ‘special’ or superior by means of using this tool of the word ‘solitude’. So in total self-interest and without reference to the actual physical world, I was choosing to modify and upgrade this illusion of myself that I had accepted and allowed as real.
These are some of the circumstances surrounding this event in my life as recorded in this memory.
Self Forgiveness on these points, and further into it next post…
The Quantum Mind
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