Month: May 2012

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Day 39: Spiteful Conversation

May 29, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Today I come back from London, where I accepted and allowed I could not write my blog, that I was overwhelmed, that there was too much all around me going on, where gradually I did not notice I was scattered in my mind.

In a room I listened to a man I could not understand, and who did not wish to hear. But that was me. I fell amongst the con of verses of a conversation, with the verses interlinked and mad and interlocked, and when there was a pause I saw my chance to jump in ambush, undermine or somehow ‘shake foundations’ or else accept myself to not speak up, and fear the feeling of ‘defeated’, or fear regret that I said nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only listen to my judgements over-rule expressions of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something that I should say, that I should define myself as who I am ‘towards’ and ‘in relation to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as more superior myself as knowledge and information and therefore fit and ready ‘jump in’ and to compete and win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself the backchat line ‘my position’ through which I have become as ‘this that will not move’, to initiate myself as spite.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this position that I take in con-versation in mind support for what is real is me as spite.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that when I take position and justify to myself that I am right, that I have something to ‘offer’ in this conversation, that I am wishing to impose myself as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might regret that I did not impose myself as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might regret that I might have lost a chance to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a strength emerge within myself as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a certainty of righteousness emerge within myself as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am here within this strength I feel as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am right within this strength I feel as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this feeling which is spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine in my mind that I am up against a wall of fear and that there is nothing left to save myself but me as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make-believe a wall within my mind, to make-believe a place where I am trapped, to make-believe scenarios within my mind so I can justify myself as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself in accepting and allowing of myself excuses to give in and give up on my resolve and my commitment to myself to walk this journey.

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Day 38: Keep Your Head Up (3)

May 26, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

In a dream I am standing in the darkness by a door, my father is coming up the stairs to find me, this is my last chance to say no, I don’t want to go along with his plans, but I cannot say it.

The Good Soldier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep my head up’ as in being ‘a good soldier’ in the eyes of my father, and for my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through the attention of my father I could get the validation that I have not allowed myself to have of who I am as a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept any modeling of who I am in exchange for the positive energy experience of me that I have believed I need to have within the attention from my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally abandon who I am so as to hold on to the positive energy experience of me within the attention from my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative energy experience of me within the thought of saying no to my father. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear in the presence of my father, in the situation of it being possible to express who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative experience of me in the thought of talking directly to my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear in the presence of my father, in the situation of it being possible to express to him of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame of not really being a man in not standing up and saying no to the plans and designs for me of my father through which he plans to model me as his image of himself as a man, without regard for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than who I am as not a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within my father’s eyes as not a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father that he failed to see acknowledge or respect me for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this blame against my father to justify myself as a victim of abuse, and therefore not responsible for myself as who I am.

To be continued…

The Courage to Live

The Strategic Soldier

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Day 37: Keep you Head Up (2)

May 24, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

This phrase came into my mind in connection to the discomfort of an automatic self programmed reflex in some of the muscles that act together practically to support and control the orientation of my skull. Being observant at the time of the movement of breath within my lungs and coming from an intention to ‘not interfere’ with breath, and to as far as possible stop myself as energetic turbulence within my mind, I noticed straight away this contraction in my neck, that then there was backchat starting up within my mind, and then the impulse in the muscle groups around my chest, to take control and move my breath.

So far, some self forgiveness on relationship to energy as me as fear towards myself as feeling and emotion, and some self forgiveness on relationship to energy as me as fear towards the world as others. Me as fear towards the inside and as fear towards the outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the phrase of ‘Keep Your Head Up’ as a formula of ‘how to be’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program in this fear of life as who I am into the very substance of the tissue of my body and then to have blamed the action of this substance in its loyalty to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program hope into me as a polarity of fear, through the phrase ‘Keep Your Head Up’, in which keeping my head up involves ‘looking on the bright side’, ‘looking to the future’, in which I have accepted not to be here at all but in an expectation of a future of positive energy experience in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘above it all’ in ‘keeping my head up’, that in protecting myself from my own accepted feelings and emotions, I have become somehow ‘above it’, ‘untouchable’ and ‘not involved’, and ‘this has nothing to do with me’, through which I justify that I am not responsible and hold on to my blame, and my positive energy experience of winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as arrogance as superiority and self-importance and ‘lofty’ within ‘keeping my head up’ and being ‘above it all’. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the world as ‘beneath me’ and ‘less than’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘removed’ from the ‘banality’ of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in letting this muscle in my neck/back relax so that my physical head falls down and forward out of this elevated posture of arrogance, that within this I experience a feeling of ‘humility’, when really my head is simply falling into its natural position on my neck through its weight in physical gravity.

A single point. That in simplicity, I raised up fear, that in my observation, I was separate.

When I look upon this observation of my breath, I see now the separation I have made, a triangle of breath, body, and mind, with me outside it all as better than and in competition with my mind.

And I wonder how I raised up fear?

How many times do I have to pace this room to see and realize and accept the fact that what I have become is as relationship?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make relationships towards myself within reacting to myself as all the relationships that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kick and wriggle squirm and twist in tantrum of reactions to myself when everywhere I turn I find relationship of me within my mind and I am believing I can extract myself from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a new relationship as I whine about the situation that I have accepted and allowed.

AAAAARG, and AAAAAAAAAARG

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and accept and come to terms with this my consequence of separation.

I commit myself to change this stance of observation that I have accepted and allowed to no longer separate myself me from breath, my body, and the system of my mind, but to instead observe the self within and self without and as it all as participant within myself.

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Day 36: Keep you Head Up (1)

May 24, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ 3 Comments

Today, simply to observe, go down into breath, direct myself to let it breathe, to not be interfering, just to see what happens, in my body, where it goes, and how it moves.

Discomfort in my neck. A knot of tension in the top end of trapezius where the tendons root beneath occipitals, so that contraction elevates the head, raises the nose. A part of my physical body that seems to be directly involved in the process of me shifting into me as mind; this thought of ‘not be interfering’ brings up a point of ‘control’.

‘Keep your head up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep my head up’, as in presenting to myself and to others an image of myself that ‘I can’t be hurt’, and that ‘I am above it all’, and that I am ‘not effected’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reactions inside me, and that I have used a strategy of contraction with the muscles of my neck to cut off from the energy of my body, in an effort to protect myself from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep my head up’, as a method of cutting off from my emotions of rage and spite and anger and for believing and fearing that I might lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that ‘I might lose my head’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate and expect that I might lose control, and so have brought about that sometimes I have lost control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have won within believing that ‘you can’t hurt me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost if I show that I’ve been hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost if I show that I have lost control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can be hurt without myself accepting and allowing it to be so. Within this belief I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my spite and blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have won by holding onto blame.

Day 35: Leaning on an Open Door

May 22, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

How long, maybe 12000 breaths since last I wrote, or is it 12000 pulsations of the same breath, I realize more and more I understand so little of this breath, of who I am. The question of ‘how long’ comes up in my mind as if there might be some stability for mind in measuring the difference between what I remember of myself in yesterday and how I experience myself today.

Like change in who I am towards and as and in responsibility today. This application of responsibility as me: everyday I see it in a different way, like how it applies to something else specifically. I explore a new world that is and always has been how it is because of who I am. In practice though I have not really yet discovered for myself how this applies to everything. And sometimes I forget the principle of this, like leaning on an open door. This ‘leaning’ like a habitual reliance on some part of me that I have not seen has also been my choice, not fixed in non responsibility and blame.

That is what it is that makes yesterday seem so far away. There is such a distance between responsibility of me towards it All in common sense, as something ‘global’, ‘true’ within my mind; and as me towards and in and As this and each and every point I walk as me.

I commit myself to this process in which I accumulate and prove to me responsibility in each specific case as I walk these points of me.

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Day 34: The Question, and how in school I did not learn.

May 21, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

How in acceptance and allowance of definitions of me as shown to me by others that I came to validate myself through them and how through that, relationships became dangerous, and backchat conversation came to be a ‘must be heard’, like news flash after news flash in a war.

Emergency in the mind.

School; a teacher in the background, droning on and on about some information stuff. While me in this new world of groups and powers and hierarchies and alliances and underworlds and gossip attempt to draw the lines of how it works and who is me in this.

With me as only me to all relationships, and all relationships containing my validity or non-validity as me, as good enough or not, then all relationships I defined as dangerous as me within the hands of others, and these relationships that I made would require constant attention within distraction and preoccupation in my mind accepting and allowing regulation of the energy of me through shades of fear of loss of me in backchat daydreams float about adrift from me, through the window into a sky of hope and longing, or on a jotter, doodles round and round the endless cycles of the petals of a flower, or triangles that sprouted triangles, or letters made to look 3D.

The substance of this backchat as conversation dialogue, triangles of relationship of me to group or group to me or other to other in reference to me as mental gossip in my mind, and all as energy awareness of and as only energy as me, the fluctuating definitions of myself, according to conditions, sometimes expanding into positivity within a thought of being liked or shrinking negativity within a thought of being not liked, and in being not liked the fear of loss.

Some fears of asking questions came to me amongst the school rooms where I did not learn except the lessons of my mind to me as how to function in the world as simulated life machine for energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me within acceptance and allowance into fear of asking teacher questions, because it might have been something he just said while I was in a daydream thus I forgive myself for fearing exposing that I was not here, and within that fear of this exposure, I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of my definition of myself as valid within being ‘good’ in the eyes of the teacher, and through that get cut off from energy reward, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from validation as if that is not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of ridicule and scorn from others if I ask the teacher questions, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ostracized by the group and fear of loss of validation and energy reward from amongst and as the group that I have defined as ‘knowing’ that which I separately did not ‘know’. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of loss because I have separated me from validation that is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish me that I have been in a daydream in which I compare myself to the others and judge myself that there must be something wrong with me. Within this judgement of myself by me I forgive myself that I have lived in shame of me as having something wrong with me, and for seeking to disguise this wrongness that I cannot actually see identify or put a shape to, so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a personality of quietness that does not expose in any way as a strategy of retaining my validity according to the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear being wrong, in which I fear my thinking to be wrong, in which I fear exposing the wrongness for which I have judged myself and allowed it that I am ashamed of that is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear exposing that I have not understood a previous lesson, or that I did not read a book. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate entirely from practical common sense that in a school I am seeking to disguise my lack of understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear that if I get a good response in which I feel the teacher likes me, then I will raise the spite of the group against me in being ‘special’ or being ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear the experience of this triangle as the teacher, the group, and me, in which regardless of what I ask, I believe the result will be that I will experience the spite of the teacher or the spite of the group, or both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of spite in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be effected in myself by the spite of others because I have accepted spite as dangerous and disastrous to the continued validation of myself by others, through which as backchat and through relationship of me to others I get reward of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that if the question that I am asking teacher becomes secondary to the fact of me asking it then what I am asking for is in fact validation of who I am, which is impossible and exposes me on my self-dishonest foundations. Therefore I forgive myself in this situation that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of my self dishonesty in asking of an other directly for the validation which I have been unwilling to give myself. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a relationship of reaction as fear to myself as self dishonest, rather than to simply stand up within myself and stop.

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Day 33: Talking, Walking

May 21, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Entering into conversation, noticing how many words pre-charged, no way through, a maze of reaction, within this me trying to justify, no good, stop and breathe. Just stand here and breathe.

Walk in town, buildings soar into the sky, making like shadowy gorges between them. Interesting how a building claims a piece of the land, and then it has stories, according to money, and stories pile on stories till there is a tower, and each story justifies the story beneath it, and all together occupy this piece of land.

Stories justified by stories justified by stories in this system of money where the ‘streets are paved with gold’ = we’ve turned the ground itself into money.

‘Follow the Money’, a sound strategy for investigators of all crimes and scams, and as the old story goes, investigation tends to flounder as the clues lead closer to the source where all the money is, then the investigator or journalist’s job becomes at risk, and then it becomes acceptable after a phone call for the editor that the story frazzles out and blames and justifications be distributed. Or else if it’s got too hot, eventually the MD steps forth to announce, ‘I am not responsible’, meaning I am not to blame.

Interesting how like an energetic system that all sounds, how it protects itself, maybe because it’s so well known, a kind of play that gets repeated over and over, and also because it’s a reflection of the system of me. The equivalent, inside, of this would be to follow the Energy within my own investigation of myself as all the parts of this. So within the film the dramatic part, going straight to the exciting bit, lol, would be between the story getting dropped and the investigator finding the resolution to go on. That would be the hook for me, that in this moment there lies the only chance for the energy not to be recycled but met, and stopped and realigned.

By a strange path I seem to have picked up on this point of resonation within the symbols of this film.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself as a reaction to the backchat in my mind of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately separate from resolution as me and then to believe that I have lost it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my own responsibility for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my responsibility in all things is also my freedom to change what I have become.

I commit myself to stand up and realign myself within the principle of what is best for all as what is shown to me in the Equality and Oneness of my physical body as what is shown to me in this physical natural system of this world, as what is shown to me in common sense as best for all.

see: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

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Day 32: Distractions

May 20, 2012 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Moving suddenly:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed a sentence in my mind to draw me in and with it as distraction when suddenly I stand up in a negative experience as who I am become to move my body in and as design of thought relationship and structures.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand and face myself within this negative and breathe, and give me space to see the nature of discomfort here, and what it is I show myself, rather than moving out above it all within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something of myself I can avoid, and pass on by, moving swiftly on, and for not allowing myself to see that within this I accept allow deliberate distraction and reaction in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing in myself this ‘moving on towards’ as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or look upon this relationship to myself in which I judged myself and left myself behind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or look upon the nature of this spite towards myself, this willingness to shrink inside myself as something wrong about this being of me within a memory that I did not want to see.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let the moment pass in which I could undo those chains.

Rinsing some plates and cups under a tap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a commentary in my mind as interpretations into words of my physical sensations through which I seek to repossess myself as energy within relationship to energetic words as energy, and so come to move according to the preferences and directions of my mind.

I forgive myself for throwing a tantrum as my mind to recommit myself again to stay with me as breath and walk these points.

see: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life blogs