Day 38: Keep Your Head Up (3)

In a dream I am standing in the darkness by a door, my father is coming up the stairs to find me, this is my last chance to say no, I don’t want to go along with his plans, but I cannot say it.

The Good Soldier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep my head up’ as in being ‘a good soldier’ in the eyes of my father, and for my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through the attention of my father I could get the validation that I have not allowed myself to have of who I am as a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept any modeling of who I am in exchange for the positive energy experience of me that I have believed I need to have within the attention from my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally abandon who I am so as to hold on to the positive energy experience of me within the attention from my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative energy experience of me within the thought of saying no to my father. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear in the presence of my father, in the situation of it being possible to express who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative experience of me in the thought of talking directly to my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear in the presence of my father, in the situation of it being possible to express to him of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame of not really being a man in not standing up and saying no to the plans and designs for me of my father through which he plans to model me as his image of himself as a man, without regard for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than who I am as not a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within my father’s eyes as not a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father that he failed to see acknowledge or respect me for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this blame against my father to justify myself as a victim of abuse, and therefore not responsible for myself as who I am.

To be continued…

The Courage to Live

The Strategic Soldier

See these blogs:

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life  blogs

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

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~ by adamsblogs on May 26, 2012.

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