Day 314: The word Best
Reference here: and introduction to this process of defining, redefining and living words: have a look at the SOUL videos. And reference here to “What Does Best for All Mean?” It was listening to this that I focused on this word Best, and the question of how this word exists within me.
Hearing the words Best for All for the first time – in the context of it being a principle of Life – my relationship to words at that time was entirely different: There was me, and then there were words, and I put the words together, and yes there was some understanding, some recognition of the common sense of that, and many insights, but as for this reality of being a life and understanding these words within embracing and living them, meaning no longer with words in separation from me, as I was with words when first I focused on what is best for all, but with words with me as me, and me as I would want to be in them, that who I am in Best is clear – without the reservation – all of that has taken me some time to see.
And looking into the word Best I find that here I have stored experiences that does not feel good, that is, in the thought that is hosted by the word Best, and its effects within my body, I realise now that in using this word, it has seemed kind of ineffective or kind of muted and dull within me, and yet I have only been distantly aware of this, and I see now that there was a judgement of self around that point, that I was then seeing my ineffectiveness as a reminder of some unchangeable fact within me, and so suppressing this awareness, rather than slowing it down and questioning what it is that I have accepted and allowed to be contained in and associated to the word Best, that Best would work within me as it does? So into the AS IS of who I am in the word Best, how I have defined myself in Best.
Who I am in reluctance to use the word, apply it to myself, apply it to my life, stand within and as the word, embrace it live it: in a thought I see myself like in a detail of a memory, using the word Best almost as if it was a necessary evil, because there was no other choice but to use this word, and somehow in the cover of a passing moment overlook the darker side of me within it, and then deliver it, anyway.
I see now how much I have judged Best, where I have connected it to competition, where I have connected it to achievement in the system matrix, where I have connected it to scales of popularity, and then there’s Best behaviour, Best manners, and when I look through these examples I see how much I have reacted to these constructs in retaliation, and within that in experiences of myself in judgement and in blame and in the righteousness of retaliation. And so writing this out, I see some way into a specific conflict that I was only vaguely first aware of – as a discomfort – within my experience of myself in and during using the word Best.
In my relationship to system constructs I had formed a personality of retaliation and I had condemned Best within this by association. And yet using the word, I was also living me as these misgivings that were contained by it, believing in my conscious mind that I could brush myself aside in a way within the word, and still be able to use this word effectively. And I had become used to this brushing off, or self suppressing sweep of words, in the process of using them: as if my experience of myself within and as this word did not infect the very meaning of the word to me, and my understanding of what Best might possibly be without all of this material that has gathered into it in the course of life.
Material: such as relationships to competition, in achievement in the system matrix, or towards celebrity, towards regimes of behaviour and manners is or has been through my time, in reaction to these things, with Best defined outside of me, in this version of Best, as being like the exaltation of winning, being better than others, as an example of most better than others: that Best could not exist defined as this without the existence of others, and these comparisons and competitions. That nowhere in this word – as in so many words – had I questioned that within myself I had no starting point. With Best, I could not embrace it, could not accept it into me when seeing myself within a version of best that I had judged, defined by system, and defined by retaliation and spitefulness, and the experience of giving up or losing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word Best, blame it, condemn it, put it in contempt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define into the word Best, systems of conflict and emotional experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this emotional experience to become attached to the meaning of the word Best in my life as I am living it. I commit myself to release myself from these energies and constructs that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word Best. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from the word Best. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look into who I am and how I experience myself in relation to the word Best. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being near to Best, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have risen above Best, not seeing how in my mind I am believing in a version of myself that is already Better than the Best, from which to judge this Best, control this Best with its contents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can simply use the words that exist within me as components of who I am without seeing realizing and understanding that my very understanding of myself and of the world, of Life, depends upon the state, condition and the AS IS of myself as seen in how I have conditioned words, and then believed in what I mean within them as emotional experience, and avoidance of experience, in systems of my non acceptance of myself AS IS, where in speaking Best, I do not know exactly what I am or who I am, and cannot whole heartedly express what Best may be within itself in essence of communication.
And I see now that seeing this ‘Best’ as a trophy in a way, as through the eyes of the system, as an absolute, as – in my mind – that exultant point of winning in a world of beings in hierarchical delusions and systematic conflict. That judgement of the trophy or the object of light sort of placed upon the altar of a global consciousness, yes quite a judgement, that began at source within the very system that I adapted for myself, within me, in which I had raised myself as a god and condemned it all, and yet was obliged to suppress this fact and keep it secret, and protect it: and then not see it all: I could not show myself that I was acting out within my superiority in my mind the very personification of Best as the lens through which I’d see and make my judgements, condemnations.
And yet much as I’ve resisted Best, it still implicitly exists within practicality for example in seeing into how a word may be used more effectively – that within that I am looking at a process that I am participating in and seeing that there is communication error/distortion going on within myself and in my speaking, in my expression, that I have the potential to clear these things, make them more direct. And obviously I want to see how I have deceived myself, and so, in acceptance of myself AS IS, allow myself to see it, and change something or correct it, all of this being in view of a better way to do things, a better grasp of things, a more effective way. There are many ways in which efficiency, effectiveness, improvements of a design or system or tool – all of this a drive to make things better – towards what is Best – with Best as a direction, rather than as a finished or concluded object. Best, in consideration of efficiency and effectiveness is for me when I look at it a word that I can embrace whole-heartedly, and already have done in many ways in my life.
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