Day 259: A Taste of Supremacy
In support of myself here I examine the nature of the ‘it’s worthless’ backchat that I have accepted and allowed as a trigger in a shift into the experience of lethargy.
(Here I started writing)
‘Attempting to see something for what it is through an experience in my mind…’
– in describing it thus – I see how I have used the word ‘attempting’ in opening the sequence of the first clause of physical sentence – and I see how who I am within and as this word ‘attempting’ does not set out the conditions for success in seeing something for what it is, and thus, walking out of the experience, thus I show myself a point of sabotage.
For me, attempting means something like trying, with no avail, and I see immediately how ‘trying with no avail’ has an emotional charge to it. Where motive and value have both at once become exhausted, I have conditioned my body with heaviness, and then I am persuaded by the ‘I feel tired’ pop-ups of backchat. Though I am grateful that I have been able to see this, at the same time I realise that this ‘thinking’ process has been a part at least coming out of the experience I am walking out of, showing me that I am still in some way in it, because the nature of ‘attempting’ in my mind is resonant with backchat, and the resonance of ‘trying with no avail’ carries judgements of worthlessness, and ‘it’s not worth it’, and ‘what’s the use’, and ‘what’s the point’, it’s a ‘waste of time’ – so although within this first sentence I see that I am writing not directly in support of myself but in support and protection of the experience that I am in, while within that I see that also I have given myself some space, I am not entirely sentenced, convicted, by those words, I have opened up a filter through which I have been experiencing myself, and have managed to step back slightly from my mergence with it. Realising simply this: that lethargy is an experience that I have walked into and become enveloped in – is a support step equal to realizing that in fact I am in a dream.
Looking at the superiority of such an accepted self judgement, as who I am within and as worthlessness, behind which I am as the ego within my secret mind, dispensing absolute values and beliefs in arrogance of reality – I mean, like the term ‘absolute’ – really as a conscious being I can only begin to understand what this word means – and yet to wield it so easily in my definitions of myself according to values that I have not questioned, but only sanctioned – suggests that who I am within even this ‘absolute’ is as an emotional value, where I have first encountered the word used by other beings as an emphasis, as in here for example come up memories of heard self-righteous ravings and exertions of blame, where the word absolute has been utilized, interestingly, as a limitation, making for a black and white interpretation, and therefore aligned for the use of judgement, and validation of the experience in the mind of superiority, as a taste of supremacy. This polarity in worthlessness I see now to be the source of apparent authority invested in the backchat, as in the experience of ‘I am the experience of right’ within and as my judgements.
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