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Day 255: Opening the point of Dis-connection
A point came up in the recent Atlantean interviews on the construct of insecurity – which is the point of how massive and overwhelming an energy can seem through the conscious mind – and looking at this point, and listening to the Atlanteans, I realized how much I have actually been responsible for inferiorizing myself as a reaction to myself within my approach and relationship to my own process and realizations – where in seeing a point – and how it applies to me, rather than just simply writing out what I see when I look at it, instead I have put so much attention onto it in my mind, that I have added more and more energy to it – and mulling it over, and over in my mind, have come to all sorts of various realizations of how hugely significant and important and crucial this point is, and has been, and how it has played out over the course of my whole life, and has been lurking there in every moment of every day, till I get into such a relationship with this point that I think in my mind that in order to write it out and in order to release myself from this accumulated energy – that I am going to have to do this massive work of writing, that I am going to need this super-clear perspective of myself, that in my overwhelmed state I am going to need to call on qualities of specificity and meticulousness and patience and such super strong determination and resolve, and unshakeable stability – that I then in this design go on to see that I do not have, that I have not developed yet, that are beyond me, and along with all of that and within it a fear that if I do not get to all of this, do not root out and visit and forgive and correct every single tiny detail of it, then it will all have been a waste of time, a failure of self change, and so in this cycle more and more I engage with justifications and reasons and persuasions towards and into giving in and giving up on myself. This ‘mulling over’ process in my mind is like an attempt to embrace the entirety of the whole point, to find out what it is that is beneath it, to find an entrance into it, to follow a thread that will not just lead me nowhere – and writing this – I see how many conditions that I have set myself as prerequisites for starting off – and how looking at these conditions, how I undermine myself.
So a specific case of this – where in the same Atlantean recordings, a word came up, was presented to me, just a simple word – (haha) – and exploring this – and so often it happens like this – that in the process of becoming more sensitive to words, where a word comes into my awareness, with all of it’s gathered up connections, sort of magnetized to it and cluttered and entangled all around it – so much so that the word as the source connecting point of all the imagery and experience and memory – the word itself kind of goes unnoticed, existing deep down within it all, and at the same time all around it – that I have not realized at all – that what is present here is the world that I have accepted and allowed as this word, that what I am looking at is how I’ve lived this word, and that in my experience of being within it and as it, I have not seen it.
So the word here that I am referring to is the word ’disconnect’ – and what I would like to bring here in relation to this is who I am within ‘explore’, and ‘exploration’, because I see how in ‘exploration’ that I have not made for me any qualifications or disqualifications or prerequisites for doing so, whether it be as it was when I was very young, exploring the back-garden, or underneath the floor-boards, or the attic, being an explorer meant to me taking physical steps of walking, of investigating paths and tracks, finding things.
So, kind of setting off thus, into ‘disconnect’, this unknown world that I had lived in for so long but never really seen – how looking back along the length my life I had incorporated into me a ‘disconnect prerogative’ that in the face of conflict I had broken off relationships, that I had accepted and allowed this prerogative to in a way define me, as who I am, walking out of things. I see now how it was a method for me to have what seemed to be control of the situation – that I could retain a sense of dignity, and superiority, that I could empower myself in my mind, by breaking it off, or by not being there anymore, disappearing. It’s fascinating how I had not noticed that I had done this over and over again starting with my family, school, employers, friends, colleges, throughout my life – and that I had each time justified my actions and reactions as individual cases – and each time without allowing myself to see a wider picture.
What remained as a constant pattern was my relationship to conflict – either within getting negative response, or not getting positive response – and looking at this now I see how I had applied the exact same prerogative to myself as who I am in relation to myself, in relation to the energies that came up within me – where in the experience of conflict, I learned to disconnect, to cut off, to suppress – and within and as suppression to be not aware of a wider picture, to be not aware, not here, and along with this also to not be breathing. Well obviously I have to breathe! – But what I am looking at here are the patterns of breathing, and that I have accepted and allowed through constant repetition these automatic interventions of the thought emotion feeling kind with the purely physical ebb and flow of breath.
Exploring for myself the micro case of a breath that has been interrupted – I look at this – what I am accepting and allowing in this – and I find that there are thoughts that I am holding down, that there are conflicts that I am processing and excluding – and that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined within and as this same prerogative – of breaking off, of disconnecting from my body, of allowing myself to be held down by my mind, within who I believe I am within and this prerogative of disconnection – and then also of accepting and allowing this period of unawareness from which after a time I notice that I am not breathing, and so I breathe, and I let the breath come up, but yet it is conditional – the conditions being that the negative energy has been processed in the interests of the mind, to be held down, suppressed, justified, converted, managed – and what has happened is that I have walked out of my responsibility as who I am in relationship to and with others in my world, to and with my physical body, to the energies that arise within me, and into participation with these thoughts, where this ‘who I am’ is as arranging for myself an I-solation state, as a positive experience/comfort zone within my mind.
It is interesting how that within this ‘state’, this word ‘state’, that this state-ment, where who I am as in my state-ment of me as my me-aning, forms the core or starting-point of the ‘state’ that I become.
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EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
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Adam's Journey Into Life 