Day 256: Integrity and Conscience
Integrity: here it is, I have dared to write this word, not as just a simple succession of symbols, which would be an exercise in memory, but as a word that I intend to – in practicality – live, that is where the daring would come in. So with ‘practicality’ includes that ‘who I am’ is as a physical being as part of this physical reality dimension in which my ‘living’ is taking place, and so also with ‘practicality’ comes along the question: How? How to in fact do this, this living of the word integrity? How to stand here on this Earth in and as Integrity? And here, to note, already in the situation of this paragraph’s fresh existence on this page, are clustering around, as well as practicality, are daring, and the verb, to live. How to in practical reality dare to live, given that real integrity is essential to this process of being and becoming a physical living being on Earth?
There are other processes concomitant to this: the act of decision making, the how-to of decision making so that it becomes real, persistent, as a point of lasting change, and the point of commitment, in which commitment is real as an act of the totality of me, not as an absolute, but as the totality of my awareness of myself in self-honesty in this moment, as an actual step, an actual real movement. Okay, to catch up with my notes on key entries to this procession of words, I have now in the context of ‘integrity’ made reference to acts of ‘decision’, and of ‘commitment’. It is very cool in physical writing, how words arrive in relation to the starting point or context in the process of expansion and of specificity, so that I can actively support myself in clearly seeing the points involved, in this case with integrity. And the why and how of the point of integrity being here for me to dare to look at and see in equanimity, and I mean with ‘equanimity’ without reaction to it, without a loss of stability – such as the question of why would such a point be here now? What is it that has obstructed me from seeing it up until now? And what has been my relationship to integrity that now, out of all my other moments of existence, that I should question it, that I should suddenly, apparently, come into the realization of how essential to me it is to clarify this word, to step into it, and to live it.
So then follows the story of how I came to see realise and understand how I have not in fact lived integrity, how I have not in fact directed my decision making, how I have not in fact been whole in my commitments; and thus what I have been looking at is the nitty-gritty of how and in what ways I have stood as an obstruction to myself in change – and so also how I have deluded myself that I could somehow and in some way get along with myself without looking too closely at the state of ‘my’ integrity, that is, how I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within and as me an ‘integrity’ according to a personal definition of it as an image in my mind, as part of who I am as an image in my mind, as part of a wider charade in which my existence was not real, but only justified in my mind, and hence validated, as being ‘good’, with ‘good’ intentions, with ‘integrity’ defined and charged within that as another aspect of an unquestioned mind-based value program of ‘good’, together with a fear of it’s opposite polarity, ‘bad’. Within this, as a child, I accepted a persona as being seen as ‘good’ as an M.O. and through defining myself according to the views of others, it wasn’t long before I had integrated myself into and as this insanity. Because seeing the insularity of such a polarity of mind values, in them having no reference to physical reality, it is obviously paranoid when believing in the pictures, feelings and emotions over and above what is actually physically here in common sense, is paranoia, as well as believing in those self as ‘bad’ concealments into secrecy and suppression.
Ha ha, reminding myself that ‘who I am’ is as a physical being as part of this physical reality dimension in which my ‘living’ is taking place – is a reflection of who I am as space-cadet, with my attention on the navigational aspects of re-entry.
Upright in the midst of a decision stands the conscience. In the mind, the conscience stands as a safeguard to govern total out and out self interested decision making, and it has worked well in the sense that we have not destroyed each other long ago, though when I look at my experience I can see how I have accepted and allowed myself to associate with conscience the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Within this I see how I have accepted and allowed an interpretation of conscience in terms of mind-values. Where conscience remain as an awareness of a dilemma between a decision that in Life Reality could be best for all as a drive towards solution, instead of a decision that is solely based on the needs and survival of self as an energy system, without regard for others – and instead becomes perverted into and as a choice between unreal alternatives, such as this good or bad, or right and wrong. And the experience of this conflict, and decision against Life not experienced as guilt as the experience of self in separation from physical reality, but instead interpreted as guilt, as self as bad or self as wrong.
When I look into my life I can see how guilt interpreted thus has played a major part, where over and over I have been making decisions from within and as the throes of energy, wanting to expand, intensify and consummate in a mind-based experience of immediacy and projected satisfaction while at the same time accepting and allowing guilt as belief in self as ‘bad’ and deserving of self punishment in secrecy, and becoming as the self-punisher aligning myself into and as self righteousness and so remain ‘intact’ within and as the basic ‘good intentions’. The crippling effect of this game of hiding within this systematic pattern of guilt is that there is no learning, it just goes round and round, and what protects the system as I have seen in myself is the belief that I deserve to be punished, and therefore I refuse to see that I can in fact take responsibility and forgive myself for holding on to it, and take back to myself my awareness that is in my conscience. Added to this within the constant hidden experience of self as bad which acts as a platform for a desire to instead ‘feel good’ and addictions into experiences that I have defined as good, as well as diversions from myself as in a way, taking time off – being who I have become – as defined by me as a ‘good’ experience.
Sharing these things has been as a support for me to let go of especially this system where I have not allowed myself to see into and through not allowing myself to forgive myself the guilt as I have described it. On the other side of secrecy is a deliberate act of diminishment of self awareness, where if there had not been an unconscious world, I would have invented it.
So the question of how to live integrity has become this dimension of the question – that in slowing myself in breathing as who I am in self honesty in this moment of breath that I am here in making a decision – that I can see this conscience as something to support me, my presence here in this awareness of the choice between an energy or a choice that is best for all, or in consideration of those around me, knowing that in a choice for Life I walk integrity.
Daring to live the word integrity, is ‘daring’ in the awareness that self interested decisions will present themselves with a fear of loss as a persuader, with a diminishment and a greying out of the choice for life, with a de-intensification of awareness of the reality of the effected beings, that is where the daring lies, to not relapse into the comfort zones of energy, or the habitual patterns of comparison and judgement.
In commitment of myself to change who I am in my decisions, involves the whole of me, ha ha, again the training of a space-cadet to actually walk in physical reality by picking up the back foot and bringing it forward, so as to actually move into a new location – so in and as commitment to a decision made – that I see realize and understand that commitments can’t be made while I have accepted and allowed to exist within me these reserves of secrecy related to guilt and shame, because within this I have accepted and allowed a rejection of a part of me, resulting in my commitments not being whole, but unconsciously with provisions.
Wider perspectives and support on this –
See: Creation’s Journey to Life, Day 92
Consciousness is without CONSCIENCE
See: Earth’s Journey to Life, Days 89 – 93
The Day 89: Guilt Character
See: Atlanteans on Guilt parts 123 – 126
See: Life Review: A Martyr for my Brother
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.