Day 376: Beneath Futility
Considering words both as components of my mind, and also at the same time as components of each other, where groups of words are placed within the worlds of each word to mutually support a definition – so that in the exploration of the words that I am living day to day, in process of distinguishing the parts, what I find are words within the words that are also parts of me, functioning so as to hold the definition of a word in place, in the service of another word as part of me.
As an example of this, looking into an aspect of the architecture of a word, that is in the service of a personality, a word that supports a resistance, where I see that I have taken a position of inflexibility, or of a determination, or a resolution to by whatever means, to hold a position, to hold a blame in place, to stabilize that relationship to the world, to keep refreshed an image of consistency, and functions galore. That point of me as Resolution for example, that is embedded in Resistance, or me as this prop or barrier of Intransigence that I refer to in the workings of a word, that keeps the structure of the word intact, where simply I have scripted in parts of me as Intransigence and Resolution into the holding up of blame.
This realization is a gift in a way, because as I explore the words, I find for example: here amongst the architecture and twists and turns within a word, a fine example of me within and as Resolution that I have placed in such a way that actually supports a veil within myself that I have myself signed-off, arranged and accepted the designs of. I mean, it’s like in a way coming across a word and seeing that, yes, you are a very fine word, but you are in the wrong place, I have placed you in such a way that I cannot apprehend a realization of myself, because I placed you in acceptance of who I am in a starting point of fear, therefore if the word Resolution seems a little fuzzy here, well yes that is also part of this design, the focal depth deliberately tweaked, so that seeing self within and as Resolution becomes obscure and shadowy and wrought with experience of fear and realization of self dishonesty combined.
These are some of the conditions that I find, exploring Futility, where I see how I have accepted and allowed Futility to exist as a condition of the world, where I have then created relationships to Futility and the world on that belief, created personalities that function on that belief as a resource, where I have accepted and allowed the experience of the word Futility to be as a trigger of a planning process that eventually unfolds in giving up.
When rock-bottom is not in fact The Bottom, but has a rocky form: looking into a specific location of a rock-bottom experience. Rock-bottom: to me a place that I arrive at where I have believed in that looking at the ground and seeing recalcitrance, impenetrability, resistance on resistance, where glimpsing that I am ready and willing in my mind to receive and accept such perceptions as real, as if to see with my physical eyes an absolute: that this is it, that this is all there is, that here I meet that ‘truth’ about this core of me, where all else seems like a pretense that is blown away and lost and all that remains is what I have ‘always known’, so that even in this pit, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comforting myself in feelings of my mind of righteousness.
Here is a specific example and location of a rock-bottom moment, preserved within the profile of a word: where rather than looking and seeing my own words living of resolution and intransigence, inflexibility, and considering who I am within and as these words in these locations, within the very depths of my own words as me, rather than looking into this and seeing then how I may support myself, adjust myself, correct myself in respect and consideration and love for me, instead what I have done is to become totally in awe of my own resolution, my own intransigence, and so less-than in relation to them, experiencing fear as another shadow in my emotional world, and then within and as a personality design, brushing past and around it all.
That rock-bottom moment is in not seeing the disempowerment of self that is the point in the exertion of blame, where for me there was a moment of blaming the world as I saw it, where in holding of that blame in place, I then experienced this disempowerment of myself as something real, as the rock at rock bottom, as this unpleasant secret of myself that there was in fact nothing there, no seed upon the barren ground from which to grow myself, as being without a natural option. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed this word Futility to exist as a veil to disguise my own responsibility within this disempowerment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect this rock bottom experience of myself as a secret, and that within and as Protection from exposure that I have accepted and allowed for fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make narratives for me to live given that my experience of myself as this impenetrable rock is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an experience of Futility as something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within defining and describing my experience of self disempowerment, as in having given up within my self dishonesty of blame assertion in relation to the world, that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in Futility as being the rock bottom experience of myself, beneath which only experience of failure to penetrate my own darkness exists. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear experience of ego stepping down when it comes to recognizing and acknowledging my own responsibility in this script of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of shame within an idea in my mind of exposure of this secret in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own responsibility, and that I have defined Responsibility as disastrous to a world founded on blame that is my own creation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear in looking on my self creation within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this disempowerment experience is real, and then to believe in this rock bottom experience that I have created that I must therefore make a life from this acceptance, in which, triggered by Futility I then make narratives within my mind of how to be.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that even acting from the base of this belief, that in narrative creation for future programming, for making up of stories and deceptions, for personality design, that who I am within and as resourcefulness is clear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I am responding to a vision of myself as this disempowerment within the word Futility, while at the same time making plans to go on from ‘there’ within and as my own resourcefulness channeled into narrative creation.
Here is where like I have taken this Futility as a ‘given’, have taken the situation of an apparent shut-down experience and used it as a platform of narrative creation, where in deconstruction of the narratives, returns me to this underlying shut-down and first questions of who am I within and as this shut-down but never really faced but with the resource of resourcefulness instead went into cunning plans to simulate the patterns, making narratives to walk, personalities to work, simulations in the absence of this shut-down core.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘Futility’ checks to be sourced from definition of myself as Failure, and that from this that I have found within this a reassurance in dark mind way: I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see what I have been doing here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this point as a device of self manipulation, where experiencing in this shut-down that I am not able to simply move myself, that I have then resorted to Futility as a source of negative reaction, and that I have established a fulcrum from which to simulate a movement, from which to generate a living narrative to substitute for the absence that is here within myself.
Continuing next post…
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