Day 376: Beneath Futility

March 26, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Day 376: Beneath Futility

Considering words both as components of my mind, and also at the same time as components of each other, where groups of words are placed within the worlds of each word to mutually support a definition – so that in the exploration of the words that I am living day to day, in process of distinguishing the parts, what I find are words within the words that are also parts of me, functioning so as to hold the definition of a word in place, in the service of another word as part of me.

As an example of this, looking into an aspect of the architecture of a word, that is in the service of a personality, a word that supports a resistance, where I see that I have taken a position of inflexibility, or of a determination, or a resolution to by whatever means, to hold a position, to hold a blame in place, to stabilize that relationship to the world, to keep refreshed an image of consistency, and functions galore. That point of me as Resolution for example, that is embedded in Resistance, or me as this prop or barrier of Intransigence that I refer to in the workings of a word, that keeps the structure of the word intact, where simply I have scripted in parts of me as Intransigence and Resolution into the holding up of blame.

This realization is a gift in a way, because as I explore the words, I find for example: here amongst the architecture and twists and turns within a word, a fine example of me within and as Resolution that I have placed in such a way that actually supports a veil within myself that I have myself signed-off, arranged and accepted the designs of. I mean, it’s like in a way coming across a word and seeing that, yes, you are a very fine word, but you are in the wrong place, I have placed you in such a way that I cannot apprehend a realization of myself, because I placed you in acceptance of who I am in a starting point of fear, therefore if the word Resolution seems a little fuzzy here, well yes that is also part of this design, the focal depth deliberately tweaked, so that seeing self within and as Resolution becomes obscure and shadowy and wrought with experience of fear and realization of self dishonesty combined.

These are some of the conditions that I find, exploring Futility, where I see how I have accepted and allowed Futility to exist as a condition of the world, where I have then created relationships to Futility and the world on that belief, created personalities that function on that belief as a resource, where I have accepted and allowed the experience of the word Futility to be as a trigger of a planning process that eventually unfolds in giving up.

When rock-bottom is not in fact The Bottom, but has a rocky form: looking into a specific location of a rock-bottom experience. Rock-bottom: to me a place that I arrive at where I have believed in that looking at the ground and seeing recalcitrance, impenetrability, resistance on resistance, where glimpsing that I am ready and willing in my mind to receive and accept such perceptions as real, as if to see with my physical eyes an absolute: that this is it, that this is all there is, that here I meet that ‘truth’ about this core of me, where all else seems like a pretense that is blown away and lost and all that remains is what I have ‘always known’, so that even in this pit, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comforting myself in feelings of my mind of righteousness.

Here is a specific example and location of a rock-bottom moment, preserved within the profile of a word: where rather than looking and seeing my own words living of resolution and intransigence, inflexibility, and considering who I am within and as these words in these locations, within the very depths of my own words as me, rather than looking into this and seeing then how I may support myself, adjust myself, correct myself in respect and consideration and love for me, instead what I have done is to become totally in awe of my own resolution, my own intransigence, and so less-than in relation to them, experiencing fear as another shadow in my emotional world, and then within and as a personality design, brushing past and around it all.

That rock-bottom moment is in not seeing the disempowerment of self that is the point in the exertion of blame, where for me there was a moment of blaming the world as I saw it, where in holding of that blame in place, I then experienced this disempowerment of myself as something real, as the rock at rock bottom, as this unpleasant secret of myself that there was in fact nothing there, no seed upon the barren ground from which to grow myself, as being without a natural option. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed this word Futility to exist as a veil to disguise my own responsibility within this disempowerment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect this rock bottom experience of myself as a secret, and that within and as Protection from exposure that I have accepted and allowed for fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make narratives for me to live given that my experience of myself as this impenetrable rock is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an experience of Futility as something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within defining and describing my experience of self disempowerment, as in having given up within my self dishonesty of blame assertion in relation to the world, that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in Futility as being the rock bottom experience of myself, beneath which only experience of failure to penetrate my own darkness exists. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear experience of ego stepping down when it comes to recognizing and acknowledging my own responsibility in this script of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of shame within an idea in my mind of exposure of this secret in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own responsibility, and that I have defined Responsibility as disastrous to a world founded on blame that is my own creation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear in looking on my self creation within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this disempowerment experience is real, and then to believe in this rock bottom experience that I have created that I must therefore make a life from this acceptance, in which, triggered by Futility I then make narratives within my mind of how to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that even acting from the base of this belief, that in narrative creation for future programming, for making up of stories and deceptions, for personality design, that who I am within and as resourcefulness is clear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I am responding to a vision of myself as this disempowerment within the word Futility, while at the same time making plans to go on from ‘there’ within and as my own resourcefulness channeled into narrative creation.

Here is where like I have taken this Futility as a ‘given’, have taken the situation of an apparent shut-down experience and used it as a platform of narrative creation, where in deconstruction of the narratives, returns me to this underlying shut-down and first questions of who am I within and as this shut-down but never really faced but with the resource of resourcefulness instead went into cunning plans to simulate the patterns, making narratives to walk, personalities to work, simulations in the absence of this shut-down core.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘Futility’ checks to be sourced from definition of myself as Failure, and that from this that I have found within this a reassurance in dark mind way: I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see what I have been doing here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this point as a device of self manipulation, where experiencing in this shut-down that I am not able to simply move myself, that I have then resorted to Futility as a source of negative reaction, and that I have established a fulcrum from which to simulate a movement, from which to generate a living narrative to substitute for the absence that is here within myself.

Continuing next post…

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Day 375: Futility and Fuel-T

March 12, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Day 375: Futility and Fuel-T

Self Forgiveness on an emotion/feeling energy that I have accepted and allowed to exist as an obstacle to action/justification of non-action, an energy that leads to giving-up, a feeling both of Doom and Comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed even a small reminder of Futility to act as an authority within my mind, as a trigger to immediately hesitate or cancel an endeavor, or retract myself from action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined within these moments by the emotion of futility, by movements of these energies inside me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my path according to my acceptance and allowance of the limitations of these energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Futility as a warning flag, and that I have not seen that in my acceptance of the warning, therefore I have accepted and allowed a fear of what might happen. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and tolerated fear as part of my definition of safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define comfort zones within distraction from what is here for me to face, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on distraction for my comfort, while all the time within myself I am aware that this distraction cannot be enough to cover it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a comfort zone that is enclosed by a fear of the experience of Futility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in seeing that I am deliberately hiding in distractions, and that within accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this judgement, that I then go into tolerance of guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in tolerance of guilt as a reaction to my judgements of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this guilt as the price of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear an experience of who I am as Futility, to fear an experience of realization of futility, that will apparently come along inevitably and then invalidate all my efforts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a future in which I see that all my efforts have no value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a paradox in which I go into an illusion of fear from listening to a warning of the dangers of walking into an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realise and understand that the sensations of melting, sinking, draining are what I have accepted and allowed to exist as an experience of me in Futility, and that these feelings and sensations are the effects of my withdrawal, where I have already retracted from myself in reaction to Futility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a comfort zone in which I have become the belief that Purpose is to no avail. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me instant access to a belief that for me, Purpose cannot be real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me Purpose cannot be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in righteousness within accepting and allowing an experience of Futility. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, within and as Futility to become superior to efforts made, to future efforts I might make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within Futility as being all-knowing of the absolutes; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me back-chats such as ‘I will always be giving up’ that who I am within the essence of myself is giving-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a Futile system in which I listen to the words of back-chat, ‘It will always be like this’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this statement seem more real through the many times that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this, and so imprint it into me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an element of proving that I’m right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Futility reminders to be as a gate to open other systems up within myself, such as paths of tiredness and depression and validations of worthlessness as judgements of myself: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize Futility in the service of the systems, through the activations of which I then eventually give up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Futility as Fuel-T, where I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life from within and as the word Futility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to validate Futility, attempting to make a repetition of emotional experience into an abiding fact, as an underlying reality of my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through this to seek to justify Futility so as to protect a comfort zone in which I do not have to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in avoiding me, that the relief I experience is real: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relief within avoidance of myself and parts of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and entertain myself with back-chats that are themselves supported by the emotion of futility: statements such as ‘I will always be giving up’, ‘that who I am within the essence of myself is giving-up’, ‘that it will always be like this’, and ‘why make an effort to discover and experience once again this basic fact of who I am?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the authority within these words is me, that within these words there is comfort in these certain statements, while in myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grasp for certainty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to these back-chats in the context of words spoken in common sense. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, and not question this.

Day 374: Fishing in the Sky

March 10, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

Day 374: Fishing in the Sky

It’s interesting how I did not see what I was doing while at the same time it was obvious: there is that normalization effect within the way of seeing certain things, the lenses one might tend to use, the framing, the back-drop context, the lighting, as if all of these had been used habitually and in time, hardly noticed, where I had believed that I was simply in my mind just simply looking at a word – and yet what was happening was that I was already way out into the ethereal and looking for a reference of me within some projection of a blue print in the abstract: all of that I see now as part of my way of coping with the energies that I had accepted and allowed to exist and to activate from within the word Purpose. It’s interesting how if one puts authority into a thing, then it remains as a source of reference – in this example, looking to the ends of the world as if to see the signature of the detail of my relationship to existence as a whole.

Within this I had sort of veiled or muffled the word within an illusion of ‘knowing’ in my mind, of where to look and find the how of ‘How my life applies’, with a scanning of the Ether, as if checking once again, for a certain constellation, and within not finding that, but ‘knowing’ that it was there, somewhere in some way or another, there is a giving up as the effort, good intentions, dissipate into the void, and what I had accepted and allowed within this was a belief that I had placed myself in an ok light, as some sort of frisson of nobility within giving up of an attempt to embrace it all…

Standing in the shoes of an emotional relationship to the world, the world of words, through which the shape of my life path I have formed by definition and decision making in emotion and according to emotion – and seeing this aspect of myself, of how I have created me – then from in the midst of patterns such as this, I see how the word Purpose stands out as a distant key, as a distant solution, something inconceivable, something beyond, as seen through the eyes of a world of automated experience and accepted fear.

Here I see from this perspective how rather than in seeing how small I’d made myself in relation to this word, I had not questioned that but I had instead in a way fallen into a particular way of being towards this word, of basking in the glory of this apparent absolute, somehow satisfied in this regard with having purpose as an implication only.

In a world of words that have emotional experience at their fore-front, there is a distinct path dictated by the emotional reactions, the negative and the positive motivations, within conditions of having no go areas, and accepted limitations – this is where seeing back into my past I see it’s like how I accepted and allowed a maze creation process, where decisions were made from out of emotion, and walls erected and designed for the management of each moment, and within that process I am in an illusion that the maze exists, I am in an illusion that the maze exists in separation from me, that if I were to look across it I might see the overall plan of it, not realizing that I was creating it spontaneously, that there was nothing more to it than the immediate twists and turns and walls and dead end passageways that dictated the outline of my comfort zone in each moment, according to my own equations of how to be in an experience of myself in relation to emotion.

What of the walls of this maze? The surfaces of wall in these scenarios were experiences that I had defined as fear, and in a way, that had been enough, rather than looking further into it and seeing within that fear an almost physical experience of my separation from myself in facing who I am in self dishonesty, where conveniently in a way I have been satisfied instead to see it as being fear only, fear in separation, in a way to justify the reactions, to stabilize the comfort zone, and make the fear into a target of blame.

So it’s easier to see how and why from within and as such an emotion dominated life phase/experience, the word Purpose would be construed so distant, so unreachably far, so ethereal, so overarching, while at the same time seeing the bullshit narrative of myself within and as these projections, where reminders of responsibility, such as with the word Purpose were not to be included.

So, it’s in seeing myself within this game, that I find a point of access to the word. And also a glimpse of an agenda that is working for a purpose that is not in support of self or of life but for the purposes of a personality system of consciousness – to survive, to protect the comfort zones, and so the fears that define such zones, and within this, Purpose without responsibility, functioning in a Dark Mind way.

In seeing that, and asking what energy within that and around that point, I see an energy of denial, with all kinds of protections of the secret mind, where in a way sometimes seemingly at all costs who I really am as Purpose is secret, not to be exposed. Within this there is a fear of the experience of shame and intense guilt where I envision my charade of being ‘good’ collapsing, the consequence of being called out, and the game being up.

So a couple of dimensions of Purpose where it becomes clear that I have been – fishing in the sky – in a way – so here some new beginnings into clearing this word for me, to a bringing it into the physical reality zone that is here now today, each day, to equalize myself with purpose here and to release the energies that I have accepted and allowed to exist within it.

Day 373: Being as ‘Good’.

March 10, 2017 ~ Journey into Life ~ Leave a comment

So: about finding Dark Mind purposes within my words, where I see how I have been accepting a dishonouring, or an insult, of beings, all in service of my fear expression, so here an insight of an inner dark force stationed in a word, and so as a part of me.

Stepping back from judgements of this, I see how I had been looking through a lens of how I had defined ‘being’, where in seeing Being as an idealization of a kind of pre-existing living innocence, then seeing through the lens of that, ideas of a fundamental goodness find a place, so that on that basis, an authoritive ‘just stop it’, ‘stop doing that’ carries an expectation that in stopping that, one will then revert to something good or natural as a default expression of being.

And yet it is not like that: Where the system has no alternative it will revert to itself. It’s like yes the being is ok, but it is trained in doing all these insane things in relation to and in retaliation to life so that therefore there has to be not only a ‘stop that’ but plus a ‘do this instead’ in the equations of change. Not simply change, but change to.

Sounding the words Change and Change To there is quite a difference in my body. It’s as if Change were more of a cliff-hanger, while in Change To, I remain standing with myself in making a decision, rather than with the cliff-hanger of: There is a situation now, and what will happen? Seeing through my own belief in the outer surfaced nature of my words, I begin to see the self deception in which here an underlying spite has been allowed to exist in the word Sharing, and yet has been justified and modified to be more acceptable both to self and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being’ as innocence, and within that, an assumption of good. I forgive myself that within this word Innocence that I have defined a blame of the creation of consciousness, as if it were an imposition, and as if there were a Golden Age. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this blame to accept and allow the experience of being disempowered, as the victim within Innocence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to reconnect this innocence experience out of a fear of the experience of guilt. I forgive myself that I have tied into the word ‘being’ these emotional values where I have made relationships between guilt and innocence, where I have projected guilt out onto the world in the form of blame.

I forgive myself that I have given such a frame to the word Being through which I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world of me, where I have not seen or realized how much this world was altered by the frame through which I looked, where I had set conditions on my observation, and in believing in this observation, that I had not accepted or allowed myself to see myself ‘as is’, but instead as the definitions that I had accepted allowed within the structure of the word Being, as some idealized form, and the assumption of it being that to which the simple stopping of behaviours would naturally revert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this assumption, and that through this assumption that I have often left points uncorrected, or then undirected. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself within disempowerment, where in this assumption, doing nothing seems ok, where this underlying goodness nature of the being is only an illusion, a conditioned way of seeing my fundamental starting point, where seeing through that and acting from that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand for no change needed here, and have justified a form of giving up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of disempowerment as a form of comfort zone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put positive energy values on to letting go of responsibility for who I am.