Day 98: The Give Up Character 3

 

 

Seeing how the consequence of each moment radiates and ripples out and how it is that the totality of what is here and each and every thing that is here is the consequence of all the moments that have ever been, and me here in this life looking at an ever increasing image in my mind of the vastness of it all with me as a tiny point in this moment like the front face of a chain of lives; I can see that I am entertaining this character of giving up in the context of the ‘overwhelmingness’ of everything.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this ‘overwhelmingness’ as a state of energy in my mind to the simple principles of cause and effect.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘overwhelmed’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a relationship as something tiny to something vast, in which I separate myself from everything.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in ‘overwhelmingness’ as something real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that in accepting and allowing ‘overwhelmingness’ to exist that I have set the stage for me as the character of giving up.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘overwhelmed’ in which I have chosen to limit who I am to an experience of energy within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have within this accepted and allowed myself to listen to and be receptive to the backchat in my mind that says statements such as: therefore… ‘what’s the use in trying’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the contradiction and the conflict that I live in seeing my responsibility in all the consequence of who I am and what I’ve done and not done as who I’ve ever been throughout these lives, that then I listen to a statement in my mind which says, therefore… ‘I can have no effect’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an image in my mind of me as ‘chains of lives’ through which I bring the backchat statement that, therefore…in undoing this, ‘there is no time’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everything seem so vast and massive in my mind so that I can justify the give up character as me and in doing so accept myself as doing nothing but remain within and as the mind.

 

 

I commit myself to walk this process staying with my breath and here in each moment. I commit myself to what is real as Here as Physical as everywhere and to release myself from these images in my mind of a physical that is ‘out there’ beyond this ‘I’ domain that I have accepted and allowed as me as thoughts within my mind.

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

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Day 97: The Give Up Character 2

 

 

 

In the class rooms I would look at notice boards and lists of test results in which my name would consistently appear towards the bottom of the sheet of paper. I did not question how it was that I failed to get the marks, and I had no expectation of support. It was like the daily news of evidence of ‘who I was’ that I was reading, and the evidence showed consistently that I was ‘not good at’ or ‘stupid’ or ‘thick’ at almost everything. Then I spotted an alternative for me, which was to join the ones in the back of the class, the bad lads, who seemed to be quite cool, and seemed not anxious or even being proud of bad test results. I saw them making paper darts and drawing things and flicking rubber bands and secretly playing about, and I thought I’d like to play about as well. Actually going to sit with them and hide amongst them, and get along with secret activities beyond the teacher’s gaze, I had initiated the give up character as who I was as a solution of the way to be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through accepting and allowing a definition as who I am as ‘stupid’ and ‘thick’ and ‘not good at’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this limitation that I live and so believe as who I am is possible to change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach test results as written by my name in a list on a notice board as definitions of who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my life as defined by numbers on a list to the lives of others which I accepted and allowed myself to define and limit also according to the test results by names as written on a list.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others in my being through defining me and comparing me according to numbers on a list.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling these lessons in the school to be a burden that I could not carry.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as bad and to feel bad about who I am as less than others because I have accepted and allowed myself to define my being and theirs according to numbers on a list.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inadequate to learn, and to make the prospect of learning how to do these lessons seem impossible in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat in my mind that says ‘I can’t keep up’, and ‘I am no good at this’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my own diminishment of me to justify giving up on me so that I go into a group of beings I see as cool and having fun and do not care.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk myself as cool and having fun and as not caring about learning things but being instead as energy within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings of excitement that I have released myself from my own expectations and the expectations of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others into having low expectations of me so that in not being expected to be able to do what I had in front of me to do I could then do what I actually wanted to do which was to mess about and just have fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cool as not learning things not facing who I am in front of tasks to do in an energy polarity so that learning things is now not cool.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as superior to others in choosing to give up on me in which I justify myself in saying things like ‘who needs Latin?’, Who needs French?’, ‘Who needs history?’,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the ones who learned as ‘subservient’ and inferior for obeying the rules, and as secretly special in being above all that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as superior in being ‘free’ to not obey the rules, through which I escape from realizing my own inferiority that I have made of me in giving up.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the attention of the teacher because I see him having expectations of me that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can’t fulfill.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly fear this label of being thick, and as a reaction in my mind to see myself as being so clever that I do not need to learn this ‘stupid’ stuff.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my secret mind as the give up character and then become the daydreamer that longs for the end of lessons to arrive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in day dreams and desires to be not Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within my secret mind about my future life the backchat that ‘somehow everything will be alright’, without any practical reference to physical reality why this should be so. Within this belief I see how I developed as well as the day-dreamer, and later, the happy-go-lucky character.

 

I commit myself to investigate these points of self interest as in desires I have wished to keep and to hold onto while giving up the tasks before me because I see and realize that while I hold these desires intact the justifications for the  existence of the give up character remains.

 

 

Continued next blog…

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

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Day 96: The Give Up Character 1

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about my breath and within that to forget about my commitment to participate in physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this is a physical existence and that if I stand before it as a witness in my mind then I cannot be anything but separated from reality, and as such not actually real.

 

I forgive myself that I lived a life in which through fear I have sought out means and ways to efficiently negate and to deny the responsibility that always has been here, and then to wonder in my mind why it is that I cannot easily speak or write self-honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the consequences of the character of giving up that I have accepted and allowed as me, and have allowed for all as me, in which I stand in an existence as in myself that has given up on actual life and has settled for a contentment in oblivion. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately give up on myself in favor of being drawn into the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up to the give character that was somehow ready made for me as in examples all around me that I accepted and allowed myself to emulate because I saw it as a possible way to not walk me, and in doing this I myself became an example of the give up character, given up on me.

 

I commit myself to assist and support me to walk my process of writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application in releasing myself from this character of I Give Up.

 

continued next blog

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

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Day 95: Internal Conversation

 

In the internal conversation that I hear is taking place, there are two characters. I have placed them so that they are in polarity, unequal, so that there is conflict. One is a character that I have given to a moreness, as authority, the other is a character that I have given to a lessness in my mind. The lessness character I am in competition with and have jealousy about and I make it that they have an intimate relationship. The authority of moreness I have given to the power of definition of who I am, the lessness character I have given to the power of persuasion and dispute of who I am. So this is the outline of the relationship between these two factions of my mind. This could fit my father and a sibling, or two friends, arranged as dominant and passive, or any two characters dressed up to look like beings I ‘know’, that are in debate or gossip as pro and anti in my mind. So of course the subject of the conversation is me. As the character of suspicion I would be eavesdropping on this conversation, while to represent myself, I have placed before the characters an expression of me, such as something that I said, a memory, or something that I’d done. And then there’s three. It’s like a Two-or-more-in-my-name design, out which conversation result agreement, ruling, a new definition of myself comes out. This is not a realization although it ‘feels’ like one, that is only how I would wish to interpret it, but it is a confirmation of something that I have already previously made ‘real’ within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this script of backchat in my mind, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that so often it is exactly the same script but slightly adjusted to suit the situation, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and to be directed through this consciousness system to act and to react according to the outcome of this internal conversation in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this instability of who I am, this fear of how I might appear to others, and this need to check up on myself as memories of who I am within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for approval of who I am so that I can then approve myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simulate this process of getting approval in the world so that I can approve of myself, by simulating interactions in the outside world through imaginary conversations in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have never actually considered or looked at closely the limitations of the outcomes of this conversation in my mind, in which I come off as either the winner or the loser character of some sort, both and all as pre-defined by me as unequal; either as special or as worthless, as right or as wrong, as liked or as not liked, as admired or as despised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place myself as an expression of myself into a field of conflict in my mind, that I myself have set up and arranged and choreographed and scripted and believed and then walked into and have accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of and to be defined by and according to my fears and hopes that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and to forget were my own creation.

I commit myself to stop participating in these conversations in my mind in which I give them energy and permission to continue. I commit myself to investigate and to name the game that I have accepted and allowed within these conversations.

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

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Day 94: Energy Recuperation Character

 

 

A character that I overlooked yesterday, an image of temptation towards positive experience within and as my mind described as (me) “engaged in a full on care-free recuperation.”

 

Engaged: to be occupied, to be in a relationship with, really in this context, to become voluntarily possessed by…

Full on: with absolute deliberation, giving all attention, me as energy, to…

Care-free: in this context, a complete absence of negative energy experience, such as anxiety, guilt

Recuperation: to recover illness or from over- exertion, of me as energy

 

Interesting how the word recuperation contains its own built in justification or excuse in that while using it I define myself as having been ill in the past in make-believe and so need now to convalesce, and rest up. Or perhaps the justification was that I had ‘over-exerted’ myself and therefore ‘needed’ to rest.

 

An image of this energy character is that one who lounges about, with having the feet up on something, and ‘laid-back’, reclining, with hands locked behind the head. This image of having the feet up, is one that I have physically explored, seeking out the content of positive experience that it seems to represent as ‘relaxation’, and yet I have not found it to be comfortable, and the same with the hands behind the head. And yet the symbolic impact of this image has been strong enough for me to retain it in my mind as the outline of this character, regardless of my actual physical experience in trying out these positions for myself.

 

In the media, this character would have their feet up on a desk, signifying a contempt for work, and hands locked behind the head as a head-rest would  support this attitude by being not involved in doing work. In the media, this character at home would be portrayed as the ‘malingerer’ lounging in a sofa, drinking beer, watching the tv.

 

This character then is in the context of a negative evaluation of ‘work’, and seeks out positive experience in not doing or avoiding, ‘work’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a physical task which I have before me into an image in my mind that I have connected to a negative experience which I call ‘work’.

In this case the task before me was the task of facing me or standing to be faced by me in this process that is my decision and my commitment to do, and therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with faltering as my fear of failure character by accepting and allowing myself to call upon this ‘feet up’ character into my mind to undermine myself and to deliberately separate myself from my own commitment to myself to face myself and stand within and as my own decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately call for this unreal character within and as my mind to justify myself as this fear of failure character to give up on the task before me and to instead to seduce myself to return into the mind to seek out positive energy experience in flouting my own responsibility to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not released this character that makes up a positive energy reward within the mind, and then moves towards it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a character that puts a finger up to ‘work’ when the actual work is changing who I am for me, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to matter very much to me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an unreal character that puts their feet up on this work in contempt of me and sits back in my mind to watch Mind TV.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within hesitating before a task I have to do, to then resort to measure, how much energy do I have?

So that then, surprise surprise, in finding that my energy reserves are low, I manipulate myself away from what I have to do by diverting me towards more energy, so that then, apparently, in the future, then I can do the task that I was going to do, because then I will ‘feel’ like it, because of this abundance of energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this tactic with myself to justify procrastination.

 

I commit myself to expose to me these character games I play and these games of energy addiction through which I ‘re-mind’ myself of the lie that my physical activity ‘depends upon my energy reserves’ and I use this lie to justify not doing things, such as this work of facing who I am and who I have become.

 

I commit myself to remove this ‘feet up’ character from my mind. I commit myself to remove this character that I have accepted and allowed as me in contempt of who I am. I commit myself to remove this mockery of life that I have accepted and allowed as me.

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

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Day 93: Fear of Failure Back-chat – It’s no Good

It went something like this.

Having the task of making a video before me. Vaguely, there is a tantrum going on. My body feels all melty and tired. An image/story of me ‘trying’ to make a video, only proving to myself that I was right and that it was all a big mistake, and a waste of time, and an image of me being angry with myself for even trying. Then an image/story of me relaxing, engaged in a full on care-free recuperation for a few hours, followed by an image of jumping up and being all ready to go, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to face myself and etc. etc.

 

Then the Back-chat in my mind:

After all, ‘It’s no good.’

 

As shortened form of:

It’s no good trying because you know you will fail, and you know what that feels like.

 

As shortened form of:

It doesn’t matter how hard you try if you are a failure in your very being, because what you will create will be yourself, a failure.

 

… and, “You Know what that feels like.”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon an image in my mind of everything I thought I was smashed up in pieces on the ground and not to realize that I am Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon this picture in my mind that I have made of me and to then have judged condemned and loathed this picture and have made a decision that I must find a way to live this picture somehow anyway in this life and keep it secret, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that throughout all this, that I am Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotions of despair towards my self-degradement in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that at least this judgement of myself that I have made of me is ‘right’, and that therefore it is ‘true’ that ‘who I am’ is how I see myself as this picture in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived in fear of experiencing again this judgement of myself that I have made that I have accepted and allowed within my mind as ‘right’, along with the emotions of despair that I have connected to this picture that I made of me as something that was hollow and smashed and broken on the ground, and was ultimately revealed and exposed to me as ‘empty’, instead of realizing that as I stand in front of this, that I am Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in disappointment and despair at the destruction of my hope that what I would discover inside this hollow me was a positive reward, instead of this experience of ‘nothing there’, and not to realize that while I look on this, that I am Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a story in my mind of me as being ‘heroic’ that I have patched these broken parts of me together and have ‘soldiered’ on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created in my mind a positive reward from self-abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with my accepted fear, in which in order to protect and keep as real within my mind this character of righteousness, I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten me with memories of an experience in which I judged and then defined myself as ‘nothing’ and ‘an empty vessel’ which I then accepted and allowed myself to react towards myself in shame, quite ‘rightly’ so within this acceptance and allowance of and as possession as this character of righteousness believing within this that these threats of recall of memories and experience of seeing me as a broken up and shattered illusion of myself upon the ground are placed as a protection to persuade myself to not do that to not even try to do that with this backchat of ‘It’s no Good’ …to try, and fail, and, “You Know what that feels like.”

within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this image of myself as this character of righteousness to show me what I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this character of righteousness to be my guide and my protector and dictator as one who knows the shameful secrets of who I ‘really am’, and apparently acts in ‘my’ best interests.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with images and pictures in my mind of me being angry with myself as righteousness within my mind that I didn’t listen to the backchat that was there to stop me from exposing to myself this experience of failure as who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own anger at myself as righteousness that I did not listen to the backchat in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate the experience of regret that I tried to do something and failed while ‘knowing’ in my mind that ‘I’ was ‘right’ and that all along ‘I’ knew that ‘I’ would fail.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny within myself that I am responsible for generating my own regret.

 

 

I commit myself to take apart these character games that I have accepted and allowed within myself. I commit myself to unravel these webs of fear that I have accepted and allowed as who I am within my mind.

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

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Day 92: I Don’t Know, as ‘Who I Am’

 

This hesitation experience, it is like a half breath, an interrupted breath, where in moving towards this action of writing, a fear cuts in, and I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate suspension of my certainty, and I am back into the blank domain of ‘but’ and then ‘I don’t Know’ and I am facing once again my habitual respect of self mind-control.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this authority within my mind to act in place of me to inter-fear, to place this fear between, and to interrupt, to rupture and to break, the process of my breathing life in physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop before a notice in my mind that says that ‘I Don’t Know’ and therefore in Not Knowing, to not proceed with life, but instead to wait while energy accumulates and then to go elsewhere.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within my mind to have accepted and allowed this Knowing in my mind as if it were a battery that if removed would stop all action, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a robotic zombie that is dependent on a go-ahead dictated by the mind and as some character that I have accepted and allowed to act for me instead me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the energy that is generated by reactions in the programs that I have accepted and allowed as me.

 

When and as I face this character of I Don’t Know I recognize the possession that I have accepted and allowed within and as this character, it being as if that ‘I Don’t Know, Who I Am’. So that in stating words such as ‘me’, and ’myself’ and I; I am standing in a starting point of doubt, and so I breathe, I do accept myself to participate in this doubt as who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with doubt as to who I am when obviously all the time it is and has been that who I am is Here; and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this character of I Don’t Know as a blank slate within my mind to be as both a screen and what is obvious at once.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the obvious because it is direct and there is no room here for myself as mind to interfere and to manage the perception, so that I can be as Knowledge in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in this experience of who I am as doubt when it is obvious that who I am is Here.

 

I commit myself to not suppress this certainty that I am Here. I commit myself to not participate in this doubt as fear as knowledge of myself as me in separation from myself as Here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

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Creation’s Journey to Life

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Day 91: Exploring the Defense of ‘I Don’t Know’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the ‘I Don’t Know’-thought into a truth – in terms of a total acceptance and allowance of a very ‘limited’ version of myself as the Mind – not realizing that I can in fact change the limitation, simply by putting the effort in – investigating, exploring and walking.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react immediately by giving up as soon as the blank slate experience manifests within my conscious mind because I have given to this experience a negative value of energy, which I accept myself to immediately avoid.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this blank slate/ ‘I Don’t Know’ experience is a character that I have accepted and allowed as me that personifies my own avoidance.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that in acceptance and allowance of this character possession to act for me as who I am, that within this I have given to it absolute authority so that in going into ‘I Don’t Know’, I do not question why it is that behind this I feel absolutely ‘right’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this ‘I Don’t Know’ character within my mind is a character that I cannot possibly investigate or deconstruct or explore because I have accepted and allowed this character to act for me and to possess me in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this character of ‘I Don’t Know’ as an excuse and a justification to ‘back me up’ in being right as I ‘do not know what I have done’, then I cannot be responsible for the actions that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘carry out’ within this physical existence that has led to the consequences that I see around me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program into my living flesh this justification of ‘I Don’t Know’ into my physical as ‘back-me-up’ into the muscles of the shoulders that I have used to communicate this ‘I Don’t Know’ in the form of a shrug, and at the same time to protect myself as characters that I accept and I allow myself to ‘not face’, because I accept and allow myself to interpret within my mind the possibility of change to be as a form of attack.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when this character of ‘I Don’t Know’ appears that it is because another character is vulnerable to attack.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the characters that I have accepted and allowed within my mind by calling on the character of ‘I Don’t Know’ to back-me-up.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with ‘righteous’ anger and to blame an other that they have ‘got-my-back-up’ when I see in fear a danger that a character will become exposed, and may no longer dwell within my secret mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in righteous anger as a reaction in and as myself to protect this character of ‘I Don’t Know’ when I suspect an other being within my world to be unconvinced and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I exert this anger on an other, or express this anger then they must immediately stop, and ‘leave off’ and ‘get-off-my-back’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react immediately by giving up as soon as the blank slate experience manifests within my conscious mind because I have hidden within this experience a charge of energy, as anger which I accept myself to immediately avoid.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of anger  in this character of ‘I don’t Know’, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this anger at myself is there because I am not convinced  that this character of I Don’t Know is real.

 

I commit myself to realize and see and understand how I have programmed in the physical the self interest consciousness of ego in the form of characters and characters in the defense of characters in which I see this ‘shield’ of ‘righteousness’ in my ‘right’ ‘should–er’ that ‘covers’ my ‘back’ of my ‘unconscious’ mind, and ‘carries’ ‘arms’. I commit myself to free my physical of this consciousness illusion so that I can live this physical as me and as the physical live all as me as one and equal.

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 90: Character Stepping out from Company

 

Stepping out of the door of the house of a friend that I’ve been visiting, I step out of the character that stays, the one that is immobilized and waiting for a moment when the other is engaged with their own stuff, when if that would happen this character as me would then support the other character out of self interest so that I can do what I must do without the awkwardness I fear.

 

I commit myself to stop this fear and realize that it is my own creation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become this experience of energy in place of me as this character that fears that I might lose myself and seeks to go away in order to collect myself and re-member who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only stay with who I am as breath by being physically alone and separated.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this experience of being ‘alone’ is an experience within my mind and is not real and therefore this flight towards this idea/thought in which I see myself alone as positive within my mind as then being able to find, collect myself and recollect recall remember who I am as breath is me seeking to revisit and and re-become this experience of energy as me within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment while in company that I have to say, Now I have to do what I have to do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that doing now what I have to do is my responsibility and that I must disrupt the smooth running operations of this Character Plague in sync in order to actually change the smooth running operations of the systems of the world that smoothly has already run into the suffering of humanity as it is now and on into the depths of absolute catastrophe for all life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I am doing now that is for myself as all is something that can be postponed till later.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be within and as my character that explains what I am doing now, to justify my actions because I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself as valid in my mind, and within this to doubt the validity of all as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I might be seen or judged by others as I stand up now and direct myself to do something for myself and all as me as if there is a breach of contract as I step out of character while in the company of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in a moment how it is that I deliberately do not breathe but instead I hold the breath rather than to let go of this whatever character it is that is of this moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize or understand that as I hold my breath I hold in place the character of fear that supports and keeps in place the platform of the characters I play.

 

And so I breathe.

 

I commit myself to realize the substance of myself as me as one and equal to the substance of this physical world as all as me, and as such to learn to move with Life. I commit myself to this. I commit myself to walk this process of actual physical change within and as this realization that this can be only done through staying with and as my physical breath, through writing out this personality of characters that I have accepted and allowed as who it is that ‘I must be’, and self forgiveness of these programs that I have written into me throughout my life.

 

 

 

 

Humanity is One Body and One Life

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 89: The Quiet Voice Within

 

The character that cannot hear the quiet voice within.

 

Looking for ‘a quiet place’ to write this blog, defining here this quietness as a place where two people can have an exchange of words without having to raise the volume of the voice, where I can find an environment that accords to this thought that says a place ‘where I can hear myself think’. This would be a talking character within my mind that I am reaching out to and depending on, and so I realize that I am moving my body towards this ‘quiet place’ in order to take down dictation from this character voice within my mind. What I write down here are words that I bring out of me, they do not depend on quietness to be heard within my mind, they are not second-hand. This character that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to hear is an image of myself in some quiet ideal of space and peace and abundant concentration, and so I am directed to this positive experience and away from this experience of blame of the physical environment of sound, which I have confused with my acceptance and allowance of distraction in my mind. Practically though I have found a park bench and a park table to lay down this writing pad on and onto which to rest and move this pen. Nearby there is a guy supporting me here by strimming weeds with a very noisy machine.

The blog which I began on yesterday I wrote while sitting on a bus, and I did not finish it yet, the bus arrived in the bus station and I folded it up and then began to walk this walk I do sometimes into a river of people in the city. As I write, the guy with the strimmer raises a gloved hand towards me as if in apology that he must do what he has to do. Meanwhile ants explore this table and this page going busily from spot to spot, fuck knows what they’re looking for.

It’s as if I have immersed myself into an environment of distraction, or to show myself that an environment of distraction does not exist within the physical, there are only machines and billions of lives and within all of this my physical body here and this relationship towards energy as in ‘distraction’ and blame that this distraction is not me but projected all around me on to the physical.

An ant stops for a moment and waggles its antennae, and then goes walking on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this ant-being as a ‘distraction’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the physical sounds of the world as a distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to the word ‘distraction’ a negative value of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see and understand that this ‘distraction’ that I have projected on the world is my relation to me as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the noises of the world for my own distraction in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am responsible for letting go of me as breath and life to go into distraction and being mesmerized by the thoughts that are in my mind.

 

I commit myself to stay with me as breath here and to investigate this character that I have accepted and allowed as me that seeks a quiet place, that seeks to hear the quiet voice that can’t be heard within ‘because of the distraction’. I commit myself to clarify within myself exactly who this character is and what they do and what is their relationship to distraction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and so become this experience of energy as this character that goes into frustration and blame of the environment of physical sound, as in if only it would stop then I would be able to hear this voice within.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as me this character that is pledged to hear itself as this character within.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sought this character that needs to have a quiet place and for within that searching to have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon this character as if it was me within the thoughts that ‘if only I could find a quiet place in which to hear the voices in my head, then I could once again find me’.

 

Now I look into this character that I have accepted and allowed as an experience to manifest within and as me through pictures of distraction and frustration and blame of this physical environment that I must move myself towards a quiet place to fulfill this image in my mind of being in a place of no distraction, serene and calm.

 

A picture comes up in my mind. It is a memory of a book cover, a book that I bought years ago, and what I bought into was the image on the cover. This is quite cool, in a way, because this image features a quiet looking woman dressed in an overcoat and a beret with head bowed slightly, yes, sitting on a park bench.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by this character of mind that stems out of this picture/thought/memory in which I find myself here now attempting to fulfill by seeking out a park bench to sit on so as to become and live this picture in my mind of one beyond distractions of the world.

 

The title of this book was ‘Meditation’; so this was the definition of the whole this specific memory, experience of the book, complete with picture image as the cover, and then the information inside as the contents. In physical reality, I read some of it as well, but then I stopped because:

I judged myself as less-than and unable to live-up-to the contents as I could see that I could never go into such humility as I saw it as devotion to the ‘quiet voice within’, as the meditation was in the context of a prayer to God or Jesus Christ. So I judged myself as less-than good-enough to be unable in my self judged definition of myself as ‘arrogance’ to stoop down to this imaginary god and become within myself a prayer of devotion through which door only might I realize the reality of God, through then being able to hear this quiet voice within my mind.

So the experience I chose to have as a reaction to the contents of the book was a negative experience of myself as judging me as through the arrogance that I had accepted as my nature to be unable to have a direct relationship to this God through hearing this ‘quiet voice within’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through with and as my own authority as judgement as this negative experience of who I am in my very nature as unchangeable as ‘arrogance’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must kneel down before and to voluntarily enslave myself to ‘God’ in order to hear this ‘quiet voice within’ and then to realize the ‘reality’ of ‘God’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a direct relationship with a ‘God’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe ‘must’ exist within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I heard this ‘quiet voice within’ talking to me then that would prove to me that ‘God’ exists.

 

I commit myself to release these judgements of myself in which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within definitions of and as unworthy in an imaginary relationship towards an imaginary god.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within the moments of seeing in a bookshop the image on the cover of this book to have told myself that if I buy this book and absorb the information that then I can find this experience that I desire of me as meditation then I can become this image that I see that resonates with something that I want, believe I do not have, that I desire for me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this direct relationship with this imaginary god which I desired to have was the ultimate in consummation of self-interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for years to have hung on to this book, because I ‘liked’ the cover, because I put such value in the image on the cover, that in this image I gave to it a positive value of energy as an image of beauty as humanity in relationship to existence within not caring for the things of this world, but being devoted to a higher world, beyond distraction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect this image in my mind of an ideal of humanity as a relationship of spite towards the physical world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that this image that I have protected and preserved within my mind as an image of hope and positive experience also contains within it as the contents of this book a negative experience that I have accepted and allowed as me.

I commit myself to finally let go and to release this character in my mind that I initiate and manifest as an experience and possession of myself as in seeking out ‘a quiet place’ to hear the voices in my head while experiencing blame and anger towards distractions that I have put upon the physical reality, not realizing that the very character that contains this hope of consummation of absolute self interest in having a direct relationship to and with existence as ‘God’, contains within it my own creation/judgement/ definition of myself as a negative experience as unworthy, arrogant, and unchangeable within my very nature.

 

And therefore I commit myself to see and realize and understand why it is that I have chosen to protect this character that blames and feels frustrated by distraction because in this activity of blame I do not then have to realize and experience the real contents of this character that seeks to hear the quiet voice  within.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect this character and for accepting and allowing while I write this to participate in an image of my dog, who while ‘off-duty’ from devotion of his attention all on me would in this image would cock his ears and turn to things of sudden interest in the world, from one interest to the next and to the next. I forgive myself within this image of my dog to justify my distraction in my mind of following out one interest to the next as points of energy, as something ‘natural’ as represented as the dog within my mind, and for within this ‘naturalness’ within my mind I have defined it as a chain of interests going from one point to the next and having some unseen connection that I follow as if it was a Way to Life, rather than to follow endless distractions in my mind.

 

As I write, an ant walks across the page and stops for a moment as if to inspect the ‘f’ of ‘follow’, which is really just an accumulation of ink on the paper.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship of energy, of Life towards the symbols of the mind.

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com