Day 93: Fear of Failure Back-chat – It’s no Good

It went something like this.

Having the task of making a video before me. Vaguely, there is a tantrum going on. My body feels all melty and tired. An image/story of me ‘trying’ to make a video, only proving to myself that I was right and that it was all a big mistake, and a waste of time, and an image of me being angry with myself for even trying. Then an image/story of me relaxing, engaged in a full on care-free recuperation for a few hours, followed by an image of jumping up and being all ready to go, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to face myself and etc. etc.

 

Then the Back-chat in my mind:

After all, ‘It’s no good.’

 

As shortened form of:

It’s no good trying because you know you will fail, and you know what that feels like.

 

As shortened form of:

It doesn’t matter how hard you try if you are a failure in your very being, because what you will create will be yourself, a failure.

 

… and, “You Know what that feels like.”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon an image in my mind of everything I thought I was smashed up in pieces on the ground and not to realize that I am Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon this picture in my mind that I have made of me and to then have judged condemned and loathed this picture and have made a decision that I must find a way to live this picture somehow anyway in this life and keep it secret, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that throughout all this, that I am Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotions of despair towards my self-degradement in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that at least this judgement of myself that I have made of me is ‘right’, and that therefore it is ‘true’ that ‘who I am’ is how I see myself as this picture in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived in fear of experiencing again this judgement of myself that I have made that I have accepted and allowed within my mind as ‘right’, along with the emotions of despair that I have connected to this picture that I made of me as something that was hollow and smashed and broken on the ground, and was ultimately revealed and exposed to me as ‘empty’, instead of realizing that as I stand in front of this, that I am Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in disappointment and despair at the destruction of my hope that what I would discover inside this hollow me was a positive reward, instead of this experience of ‘nothing there’, and not to realize that while I look on this, that I am Here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a story in my mind of me as being ‘heroic’ that I have patched these broken parts of me together and have ‘soldiered’ on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created in my mind a positive reward from self-abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with my accepted fear, in which in order to protect and keep as real within my mind this character of righteousness, I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten me with memories of an experience in which I judged and then defined myself as ‘nothing’ and ‘an empty vessel’ which I then accepted and allowed myself to react towards myself in shame, quite ‘rightly’ so within this acceptance and allowance of and as possession as this character of righteousness believing within this that these threats of recall of memories and experience of seeing me as a broken up and shattered illusion of myself upon the ground are placed as a protection to persuade myself to not do that to not even try to do that with this backchat of ‘It’s no Good’ …to try, and fail, and, “You Know what that feels like.”

within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this image of myself as this character of righteousness to show me what I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this character of righteousness to be my guide and my protector and dictator as one who knows the shameful secrets of who I ‘really am’, and apparently acts in ‘my’ best interests.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with images and pictures in my mind of me being angry with myself as righteousness within my mind that I didn’t listen to the backchat that was there to stop me from exposing to myself this experience of failure as who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own anger at myself as righteousness that I did not listen to the backchat in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate the experience of regret that I tried to do something and failed while ‘knowing’ in my mind that ‘I’ was ‘right’ and that all along ‘I’ knew that ‘I’ would fail.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny within myself that I am responsible for generating my own regret.

 

 

I commit myself to take apart these character games that I have accepted and allowed within myself. I commit myself to unravel these webs of fear that I have accepted and allowed as who I am within my mind.

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

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~ by adamsblogs on July 25, 2012.

One Response to “Day 93: Fear of Failure Back-chat – It’s no Good”

  1. Cool Adam, a word that you can explore is that ‘recuperation’ point and the following self forgiveness

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created in my mind a positive reward from self-abuse.

    Thanks for sharing!

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