Day 89: The Quiet Voice Within
The character that cannot hear the quiet voice within.
Looking for ‘a quiet place’ to write this blog, defining here this quietness as a place where two people can have an exchange of words without having to raise the volume of the voice, where I can find an environment that accords to this thought that says a place ‘where I can hear myself think’. This would be a talking character within my mind that I am reaching out to and depending on, and so I realize that I am moving my body towards this ‘quiet place’ in order to take down dictation from this character voice within my mind. What I write down here are words that I bring out of me, they do not depend on quietness to be heard within my mind, they are not second-hand. This character that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to hear is an image of myself in some quiet ideal of space and peace and abundant concentration, and so I am directed to this positive experience and away from this experience of blame of the physical environment of sound, which I have confused with my acceptance and allowance of distraction in my mind. Practically though I have found a park bench and a park table to lay down this writing pad on and onto which to rest and move this pen. Nearby there is a guy supporting me here by strimming weeds with a very noisy machine.
The blog which I began on yesterday I wrote while sitting on a bus, and I did not finish it yet, the bus arrived in the bus station and I folded it up and then began to walk this walk I do sometimes into a river of people in the city. As I write, the guy with the strimmer raises a gloved hand towards me as if in apology that he must do what he has to do. Meanwhile ants explore this table and this page going busily from spot to spot, fuck knows what they’re looking for.
It’s as if I have immersed myself into an environment of distraction, or to show myself that an environment of distraction does not exist within the physical, there are only machines and billions of lives and within all of this my physical body here and this relationship towards energy as in ‘distraction’ and blame that this distraction is not me but projected all around me on to the physical.
An ant stops for a moment and waggles its antennae, and then goes walking on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this ant-being as a ‘distraction’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the physical sounds of the world as a distraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to the word ‘distraction’ a negative value of energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see and understand that this ‘distraction’ that I have projected on the world is my relation to me as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the noises of the world for my own distraction in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am responsible for letting go of me as breath and life to go into distraction and being mesmerized by the thoughts that are in my mind.
I commit myself to stay with me as breath here and to investigate this character that I have accepted and allowed as me that seeks a quiet place, that seeks to hear the quiet voice that can’t be heard within ‘because of the distraction’. I commit myself to clarify within myself exactly who this character is and what they do and what is their relationship to distraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and so become this experience of energy as this character that goes into frustration and blame of the environment of physical sound, as in if only it would stop then I would be able to hear this voice within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as me this character that is pledged to hear itself as this character within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sought this character that needs to have a quiet place and for within that searching to have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon this character as if it was me within the thoughts that ‘if only I could find a quiet place in which to hear the voices in my head, then I could once again find me’.
Now I look into this character that I have accepted and allowed as an experience to manifest within and as me through pictures of distraction and frustration and blame of this physical environment that I must move myself towards a quiet place to fulfill this image in my mind of being in a place of no distraction, serene and calm.
A picture comes up in my mind. It is a memory of a book cover, a book that I bought years ago, and what I bought into was the image on the cover. This is quite cool, in a way, because this image features a quiet looking woman dressed in an overcoat and a beret with head bowed slightly, yes, sitting on a park bench.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by this character of mind that stems out of this picture/thought/memory in which I find myself here now attempting to fulfill by seeking out a park bench to sit on so as to become and live this picture in my mind of one beyond distractions of the world.
The title of this book was ‘Meditation’; so this was the definition of the whole this specific memory, experience of the book, complete with picture image as the cover, and then the information inside as the contents. In physical reality, I read some of it as well, but then I stopped because:
I judged myself as less-than and unable to live-up-to the contents as I could see that I could never go into such humility as I saw it as devotion to the ‘quiet voice within’, as the meditation was in the context of a prayer to God or Jesus Christ. So I judged myself as less-than good-enough to be unable in my self judged definition of myself as ‘arrogance’ to stoop down to this imaginary god and become within myself a prayer of devotion through which door only might I realize the reality of God, through then being able to hear this quiet voice within my mind.
So the experience I chose to have as a reaction to the contents of the book was a negative experience of myself as judging me as through the arrogance that I had accepted as my nature to be unable to have a direct relationship to this God through hearing this ‘quiet voice within’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through with and as my own authority as judgement as this negative experience of who I am in my very nature as unchangeable as ‘arrogance’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must kneel down before and to voluntarily enslave myself to ‘God’ in order to hear this ‘quiet voice within’ and then to realize the ‘reality’ of ‘God’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a direct relationship with a ‘God’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe ‘must’ exist within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I heard this ‘quiet voice within’ talking to me then that would prove to me that ‘God’ exists.
I commit myself to release these judgements of myself in which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within definitions of and as unworthy in an imaginary relationship towards an imaginary god.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within the moments of seeing in a bookshop the image on the cover of this book to have told myself that if I buy this book and absorb the information that then I can find this experience that I desire of me as meditation then I can become this image that I see that resonates with something that I want, believe I do not have, that I desire for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this direct relationship with this imaginary god which I desired to have was the ultimate in consummation of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for years to have hung on to this book, because I ‘liked’ the cover, because I put such value in the image on the cover, that in this image I gave to it a positive value of energy as an image of beauty as humanity in relationship to existence within not caring for the things of this world, but being devoted to a higher world, beyond distraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect this image in my mind of an ideal of humanity as a relationship of spite towards the physical world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that this image that I have protected and preserved within my mind as an image of hope and positive experience also contains within it as the contents of this book a negative experience that I have accepted and allowed as me.
I commit myself to finally let go and to release this character in my mind that I initiate and manifest as an experience and possession of myself as in seeking out ‘a quiet place’ to hear the voices in my head while experiencing blame and anger towards distractions that I have put upon the physical reality, not realizing that the very character that contains this hope of consummation of absolute self interest in having a direct relationship to and with existence as ‘God’, contains within it my own creation/judgement/ definition of myself as a negative experience as unworthy, arrogant, and unchangeable within my very nature.
And therefore I commit myself to see and realize and understand why it is that I have chosen to protect this character that blames and feels frustrated by distraction because in this activity of blame I do not then have to realize and experience the real contents of this character that seeks to hear the quiet voice within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect this character and for accepting and allowing while I write this to participate in an image of my dog, who while ‘off-duty’ from devotion of his attention all on me would in this image would cock his ears and turn to things of sudden interest in the world, from one interest to the next and to the next. I forgive myself within this image of my dog to justify my distraction in my mind of following out one interest to the next as points of energy, as something ‘natural’ as represented as the dog within my mind, and for within this ‘naturalness’ within my mind I have defined it as a chain of interests going from one point to the next and having some unseen connection that I follow as if it was a Way to Life, rather than to follow endless distractions in my mind.
As I write, an ant walks across the page and stops for a moment as if to inspect the ‘f’ of ‘follow’, which is really just an accumulation of ink on the paper.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship of energy, of Life towards the symbols of the mind.
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