Day 115: The Smoking Addict Self Forgiveness

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to study the exact movements of my mothers lips and posture in her experience of satisfaction in exhaling a plume of cigarette smoke, and storing this information within my mind as a formula of a way to be.

 

 

The sweet smell of cigarette smoke and the sight of its pale blue strands folding over the seat from the front of the car was a pleasure to me from as young as I can remember. These were like recorded moments of satisfaction in my parents’ lives.

During the last few days, a memory came up with an experience in which I was in the family car with the rest of the family, it was a camping holiday, driving across France in the rain, heading for Spain, a sunny place beyond the bottom of the map. It must have been that I woke out of a sleep to hear a row going on between my parents in the front seats, because I sort of woke up into it and in it, and I did not recognize in any way the energies that were being expressed. There was what I interpreted it to be in it a vicious or harmful dimension, and I got somehow caught up in it, like there was an electric storm going on in my mind, where there usually was me.

My reaction to this was one of fear, and I felt had to get out and get away, and I pressed my face up against the window and concentrated on what was going by; trees, one after another, an endless avenue of trees down a long straight road. And I imagined a saw sticking out of the side of the car, cutting down every single tree that went by, not leaving a single one out, so that the car was leaving behind it a wake of destruction.

To get away from my experience of fear towards these entirely new and unknown energies and from fear towards my experience of myself as lost and turned upside down within it, like an experience of absolute instability and loss of control; my strategy was to get away within my mind and to distract myself compulsively within this task I set myself of cutting down the trees.

(Hollywood image ref: Ben-Hur and chariot race with spikes and swords sticking out of their wheels.)

The smell of lighted cigarettes was a moment when the argument was over, and everything was ok.

This memory shows me how I found a strategy to deal with my fear by requiring a compulsion to distract myself into an alternative reality within my mind instead of staying with me and facing what is Here.

The Smoker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I try to stop smoking entirely and completely then I will fail because I have tried to stop before and always gone back on myself, because the addictive character has finally stepped in to take control and I have yielded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment when I give away my power of direction to this character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in this moment when I give away my power of direction to this character. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘weak’ or ‘lacking’ or having something ‘wrong’ with me in this moment when I yield to this compulsion of the addiction, and for not realizing that this judgement of myself in fact directly supports the continuation of the addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment when I take back my power of direction from this character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my failure to stop this addictive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing myself to stopping this addictive behavior of smoking cigarettes because I fear that my commitment will be meaningless, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself in having no control.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the moment that I discovered the effect of nicotine within my bloodstream on my mind and then made a decision within ‘This is it, this is what I have been missing all these years’, that the decision that I made was that there was a lack within me and a hole that must be filled, a wanting in my being that required and then initiated an addictive character to manifest as part of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to fear to stand amongst the fears that I have accepted and allowed myself to circulate within me and to simply breath and look at what they are.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to substitute control and management of fear for actual stability that did not require energy or maintainance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that my decision to light a cigarette is an affirmation of my belief in control and suppression of my fears and therefore has the effect of increasing my fears and making them real.

I forgive myself that in accepting and allowing a judgement of myself as weak in having no control I therefore required a strong addiction and strong cigarettes as my substitute for control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having something missing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself as this definition that I have made of me as having something missing, as being incomplete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make a commitment or a decision then that is it, a single event, and I only have to walk from there, instead of realizing that I will have to maintain and live and make this commitment and decision all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in fearing to stop and to release this addiction character that I have required initiated manifested and maintained that what I fear is giving up my fear of loss, a loss that is not real and did not happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I showed myself in my first experience of the effect of nicotine within my body was that stability was possible within my life, that it was possible for me to enjoy the experience of being here. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only get to this experience of being stable Here through something that I saw as separate from me, a thing in the outside world, a cigarette that I could simply light and then breathe its smoke into my lungs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can be Here as stability within the simplicity of my physical breath at and in and as each moment, and in this realization to see that I do not need to smoke because I do not need to find this stability from nicotine, and I do not any longer require this addictive character to manage this point of fulfilling something missing that I believed was something lacking from my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a moment of emptiness in which I do not any longer turn back into the consequence of my addiction, in which I fear a space in which I do not know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to move into the unknown of a moment in which I do not have a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest within me through the looping of my addiction, an underworld of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘alive’ in a world of fear, and that if I am to move, then it is a risk that I am taking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frozen in a world of fear in which I am thinking in my mind that I have to make a decision to move or not to move instead of me allowing myself to be movement as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fort-ify’ myself in my decision to move in my accepted world of fear by smoking a cigarette so that I can con-vince myself that I am moving without fear in my relationship with a cigarette to my lips which I have defined as an intimate relationship of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to fort-ify in my mind within this word which I have utilized to make a safe protected place in a world of fear in which I can rest and make a decision in my mind to move by looking at and considering my best option amongst a selection of fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to con-vince myself of a lie that I am moving within which word I tell myself that I am winning in a competition against my rising emotions to distort my own reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship of love to a cigarette so that I can distract myself and hide from the reality which I have accepted and allowed which is that I am petrified within a world of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect hope to the light of naked flame with which I light a cigarette that I may once again experience this alternative reality in which I am safe for a moment within a world of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in an image that comes into my mind of a single moment of exhaling smoke from my lungs as a single moment that I can manifest in my life in which nothing matters, and I have covered up or transcended in a stream of smoke my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to backchat in my mind when I have a cigarette that says that ‘everything’s ok’, and that because of this, ‘I can go on’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of my strategy to move myself within my paralysis of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look on movement in the world from a position of apparent safety as a positive feeling in my mind and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the movement in myself which from this safety zone I see as negative .

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I have manifested as a consequence of taking up smoking as a secret blow against the rules control and authority of the school, that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by a character of addiction as my mind as the authority and control of me that I sought to defy in taking up smoking.

Continuing next blog…

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/Desteni.org Equalmoney.org

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Day 114: The non-smoking Character

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a character to have judged the character of smoking as a new character of giving-up smoking and non-smoking and then to have looked upon a picture of bleak emptiness as the new character which I have accepted and allowed myself to line up within me to take it’s place, so far unoccupied, as the new character that ‘does not smoke’, and then to have listened to and participated in my own consent within a line of backchat that says, ‘ ….and so…I can’t do this’…believing that this is who I am that cannot face the bleakness that I show myself, while I feel I cannot walk myself into this new ‘yet another’ character that my mind has organized for me in another bleak character-world of my mind that is not physical reality, but that is my new programme update of how to be in my judgement character’s interpretation of what is my life me within which I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand and live Here as breath in physical Equality and Oneness but instead to entertain in my mind a thought based in fear of what is Here, a thought of longing and of hope that maybe I can turn back and revert into my old character that I believed was me and still can and could possibly believe is me and then just simply not have any longer these problems that I give myself but go back to the easy life of walking in and as a programme that I’ve walked so well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in attempting to release a character, to make a new one, because I have accepted and allowed a character of  judgement as me within and as my mind to take charge of the situation for me and to be responsible for character-deconstruction as character-upgrade while I return to abdication as the starting point I know so well within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up a character out of trying to keep one step ahead of my own automatic self manipulations that I have accepted and allowed as programmes in my mind and for not seeing and realizing that this is my acceptance and allowance of character creation as a way of apparently being this thing according to the perspectives of my consciousness that I have named this file called ‘life’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to these triggers of hope and longing, in which neither of them is any access to the physical existence or to action but only into suspension in and as the mind in waiting.

 

bleak 1 |blēk|

adjective

(of an area of land) lacking vegetation and exposed to the elements: a bleak and barren moor.

• (of a building or room) charmless and inhospitable; dreary: he looked around the bleak little room in despair.

• (of the weather) cold and miserable: a bleak midwinter’s day.

• (of a situation or future prospect) not hopeful or encouraging; unlikely to have a favorable outcome: he paints a bleak picture of a company that has lost its way.

• (of a person or a person’s expression) cold and forbidding: his bleak, near vacant eyes grew remote.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘bleak’ according to my own energy of hope and longing in my mind as perspectives of the future and the past and of myself as fear of loss, crucified within and as self pity on my cross of trust within and as my mind.

I release this definition that I have lived within and as this word as charged with negative energy as an image of fear for me to respond to and I return this word to its simplicity in meaning the whiteness of a winter’s day, white with frost or snow, as bleached, or a landscape that has little vegetation. And I remove from it this relationship of me towards the world in which I do not see the world but live within and as remoteness as the mind, in hope and longing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within and as this relationship that I have made between the mind as me as energy towards the physical within the definition that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this word of ‘bleak’ in which I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world only according to whether or not it will satisfy my self interest.

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 

 

It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/Desteni.org Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 113: The Smoker Character

 

 

What I am facing today is this submission to the smoker character, the addict that simply must have one now and, fuck you, me. I staved the moment off for a bit, but then suddenly the energy built up and speeded up into a crisis, and I gave way to it. This is possession. The backchat here: how can I do anything. As if I am facing a future of complete catastrophe. Maybe that was the thought picture. Non of this is clear. I’ve been kind of spaced-out.

 

I commit myself to slow down and to breathe in these moments when the character steps in that must have his way. I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to see what’s going on.

 

I was looking through the archives of TV programming as cigarette ads of the 60’s and 70’s on YouTube and I came across the ‘Hamlet’ adverts. Happiness is a cigar called Hamlet. Here a ‘crisis’ is defined as a point where some kind of emotional reaction is coming up, but the solution presented is to light up and go into a character shift, go into a positive feeling, and do nothing, then apparently everything is ok.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything is ok with the world or not ok according to the feelings that I am participating in and as.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of the positive feelings that I have attached to the experience of smoking.

 

I forgive myself that I have attached a positive feeling to the experience of smoking.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my stability is real when I clearly use smoking to suppress emotions that I fear I cannot control.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my stability is real when I clearly depend on energy to maintain it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear when I cannot have my fix of positive feeling.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the experience of smoking to hope, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to hope, and to fear the loss of ‘my last hope’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and to submit to this addict character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for submitting to this addict character.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 

 

It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/Desteni.org Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 112: The Last Hope Character

The hope character not finally extinguished. The flickering image remains of the candle in the wind, the striking of a light, the dependence on the last hope, and the lighting of a candle for myself in my own religion, a spot of warmth in a cold world, the flaring up of a match, cradled in my hands… the images go on… and I will let them roll, because here I need to look at all the dimensions of this last hope, as symbolized by this striking of a match.

 

So yes, the addiction character here, as in an addiction to: cigarettes. And in close association, collaboration, the character of the last hope. I do not understand so far the exact relationship, except in this addiction to and dependence on, and where I have fastened in my trust into, this positive experience of energy that I have made of hope.

 

So from this point I will be walking the addiction character and the last hope character together for as long as it takes, and then there is the other one as well, the fearful one.

 

In the mind-movie of The Last Hope, it would be inconceivable that it would not be satisfied, that would be the movie in which the superstar of consciousness did not survive, impossible. Therefore dependence in the mind on the last hope.

 

And these little sips of carbon monoxide that I have been mixing with my breath for about forty-five years, which have given to me a kind of stability, I have to look at that. When I first smoked a cigarette and got high on it, it was like, this is it! This is what I have been missing all these years! (age fifteen), so it seemed to fill a need which I had not recognized. That was like a form of self-medication. Because smoking was strictly against all the rules, then my walks alone, my truancy, and the loner character became entwined into this collaboration also.

 

Ok, so many characters interlocked. When that multi-dimensional image of the system comes up, I stop and I breathe, I use that image to serve me now but to remind me that ‘the system’ is vulnerable, that it needs protections and defense mechanisms. I remind myself of the core fact that every individual point can simply be reversed point by point for the entire system to be changed and that this fact can only be disguised by images of these multiple conglomerations of points all merged together and confused and overwhelming.

 

In looking into the character that will ‘never speak again’, I looked at how this vow, this decision that I made, seemed like a solution to the problem of being possessed and overwhelmed by other characters of spite, that it seemed like I could have control by simply clamping down my mouth and walking into a future life of secret mind and suspicious observation.

 

It was as if I had no control, that I found myself totally open and vulnerable to possession, that I was in some way like a vacancy to be possessed, and that I feared that I could do nothing about it and believed that I had no way to deal with this experience of myself, but to concentrate on holding my mouth shut.

How this fear of being possessed and taken over, this fear of loss of control could be resolved by this new discovery of a stability of a sort brought on by the drug of nicotine, may have been an upgrade of the same ‘solution’. Where rather than to face this experience of myself and to investigate these fears and these possessions I chose again the path of self suppression. Only this time round the loop, my solution was both symbolic and pharmaceutical.

 

Continuing next blog…

 

 

On the giving up of my possessions, see: CRUCIFIXION 5

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 

 

It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life  

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/Desteni.org Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 111: The Hope Character

 

 

 

 

 

The pile-it-high, bamboozling character is the one that steps in and says, well while you are at it, you can do this this and this and this and this, not forgetting that and that and that and that, making a single step into a mountain of responsibilities, and there is an image in my mind of so much to do, too much too much too much, and then the weariness snakes in, almost as if to the rescue, a word which then connects to hope. So in starting to examine how and in what way I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate and to become addicted to the hope character, this bamboozling defense pattern steps up to the throne, and takes its place. So then it’s not to forget the daydreamer connection, the procrastinator and the dimension of regret, not to forget the promises of faith and God and Jesus on a cloud, the Alien rescue and the White Light, the lottery, the gambling, Lady Luck, the fear of failure, the fear of responsibility, the fear the fear the fear; it’s like the entire system lights up in my mind, and then I go to giving up, it’s all too much, and bla bla bla. It’s interesting how this bamboozling character appears to know exactly how to proceed and what is relevant and not relevant in my process, and what should not be forgotten or left out, as if it were a path that it had already trodden itself.

 

Taking the action of writing this, I realize that the bamboozling pile-on-the-responsibility character acts in support of the hope character, for because the starting point of fear of responsibility and fear of failure has already been accepted and allowed and established in me, by me, then the bamboozler only has to magnify the hugeness or complexity of the task or the responsibility, and hence to magnify the fear, for the weary giving up solution and rescuer to step in, the character of Hope, for example here in setting out these characters, the image comes up in my mind of having become somehow all clear and specific about these mind relationships, an image of me in a state of somehow having come into and arrived at this completed ordered reality of ‘understanding’ and ‘clarity’ about how it all works, like in the magical process of ‘putting it on the back-burners’, or ‘sleeping on it’ or otherwise yielding to the temptations of this positive feeling in my mind of hope, and hope-fullness, in which my character has been fed and is now satisfied.

 

However, what has not happened so far, the missing bit, is the actual real task of writing this and actually really finding out what is going on, and practically making steps towards a real understanding in a process of gradually a greater understanding, and greater specificity so as to then be able to walk through the individual points of self forgiveness and self correction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make responsibility into such a massive thing in my mind, when actually my responsibility is one and equal to each breath, and I forgive myself that I have used this exaggeration of responsibility and fear to manipulate myself to justify my return into a state of giving up on myself as the character of hope.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘failure’, in which I’ve made of ‘failure’ an image in my mind in which if I ‘fail’ I’m apparently fucked, and I do not give myself the opportunity to try again or to learn, but have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in separation as a ‘failure’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others in having ‘failed’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgements of others and for not allowing myself to see that these judgements are my very own towards myself that I am seeking to avoid or face or to experience. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give me just one chance to either fail or to succeed as compared to images within my mind, in which I do not give myself the opportunity to learn.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made out of a practical task a test of ‘failure’ or ‘success’ as images in my mind, instead of staying with my own determination to complete this task and get it done in practical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing my own self-judgements, and for then projecting them onto others, and for then avoiding to stand up in front of them when I know that there is a task that needs to be done, but instead I wait in hope that someone else will stand up and do it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize or understand that this character of hope is a design of self enslavement to ensure that beings do not stand up and put their effort into practical change of self or practical change of world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as this character of hope to have believed that I have actually changed when all I’ve done is feed an image in my mind that I have made in hope of me as ‘changed’, never having walked the self forgiveness/self correction through into actual physical living proof to me, as me of change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to the word hope, positivity, in accordance with a judgement of positivity as ‘good’, so that in being in ‘hope’ I have accepted and allowed myself in separation from myself, and believing that I am in support of me as self when actually I am in support of me as an experience of mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically in physical reality get done and finished and completed tasks that I have had before me to do because I have somehow ‘done’ them in my mind, when actually I have not done them yet but left them half finished.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as the character of hope as energy within my mind to look upon the physical world and make judgements of likes and dislikes about a specific physical task and to then decide to not do them, and in this I am not allowing myself to realize that my mind has absolutely no comprehension of what is actually involved in physical reality and the process of this physical task.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as the character of hope to be satisfied with an experience in my mind, such as looking at a piece of work and then believing that it looks finished and complete, so that apparently there’s nothing more I need to do. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my own perception with and as the character of hope.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose rather to have a positive experience as energy in the comfort of my mind, than to actually live in physicality in walking change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used up much of my life in and as this character of hope in waiting ultimately for me within my mind, believing that something would happen or something would come along and tomorrow’s another day.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character of hope to have seen the world not change or else deteriorate and to have done absolutely nothing about it but hope that someone else would, some new government, or some new law, or some new technology, or some returning Jesus/Alien fantasy in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character of hope to keep me in a state of waiting for something or someone outside of me to change my life and to change my world.

 

I commit myself to change this character of hope in simple action in the physical.

I do not accept the mind’s assessment of the task. I do not accept that the imagination can possibly comprehend what is actually involved in action and interaction with the physical world. I commit myself to take back my own authority from this character of hope and to release myself from these pictures and images in my mind of the task ‘finished’ or ‘done’ in some alternative reality in which the actual physical life process has been skipped and avoided, and I commit myself to release myself from these fears of my own judgements that I have used to justify this position in my mind of this character of hope.

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 

 

It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life  

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/Desteni.org Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 110: Negative Glory for Everlasting Dreams

Continuing with the daydream character:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived this character as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to change these relationships that I have made towards the physical in which I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the world as less than real, or as a spiritual reality, or as a metaphor or as a game or as a puzzle or as a thought, a memory or anything I chose to judge it as or shift it into being within my mind at any given moment of a dream.

 

I commit myself to remove this space, this vacuum that I have made in which I have stood back from what is here. I commit myself to step forward into as and with the physical, to reach and touch the physical with the physical that is who I am in the realization that this physical is actual and real.

 

When and as I see myself go into this drift/shift of energy into wondering within the mind, I stop, I breathe, I touch the physical within and as the physical of me, I remind myself that this is a physical existence and that this is real. I remind myself that everything I touch and rely on and depend on is the actual real physical consequence of a billion actual real lives. I remind myself that this fear of physical reality has been utilized by me to make a shell around this comfort zone for the entertainment of my own self-interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately extend my being into these energy relationships of spite towards my physical world in which I have come to exist as spite itself, struggling to survive and to preserve its unreality within and as a consciousness that does not give a fuck, but only wants more energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the actual impossibility of who I am as this mind system character of illusion in a physical existence sustained by a belief in separation and in being alone as a singularity of ‘I’ness in a sheltered ‘kingdom’ of the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize or understand or face myself within this question that I can either keep my fear as real or lose this character of mind, because this character depends on spite towards reality to continue to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize that this question has always been before me but that I have chosen always in favor of myself as mind as energy as an illusion in this physical world and so have chosen to keep this fear as real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fearing I might lose this character of mind to have manipulated the decision to remain as who I am as this character of mind by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my own responsibility for my fear of fear, and therefore kept it real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and to not realize and to not understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify my fear as fear of fear so as to deliberately create this experience of protection of myself within and as a system of the mind in which I then continue to play within my ‘safe’ experience in an illusion of separation from the physical world.

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World  

 

 

 

It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment 4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life  

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/ Desteni.org Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 109: The Spite of Daydreams

 

It gets clearer how this addiction to pre-occupation within the mind as taken up through my deliberate consent as the daydream character is actually an act of spite, in that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a judgement in my mind that my daydream world is more important than this physical reality which includes obviously by extension the whole of physical reality, and every being in it.

Walking through last blog…

 

First part, “…that now I’m safe within the secret kingdom of my mind…”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship towards the world in which I define myself as separate from the world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this experience I have of me is due to and because of this world that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for my experience of me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my experience of me within myself by making a relationship of fear towards this experience of energy inside myself that I have accepted and allowed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim that can be hurt both by the outside world and by my own experience of energy within myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as separate things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out strategies to protect myself from the outside world from the starting point of fear of being hurt.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build walls around myself to protect myself in which actions I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character like a sentry on a watchtower always on the watch in fear of what may arise within me and without me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep guard over what may come out from inside myself across my lips in words, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my own words can be used to hurt me if I let them cross my lips and manifest within the outside world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own words into a relationship of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea in my mind of being ‘safe’ within my protected world of absolute control and suppression of these energies that I have separated myself from in relationships of fear that I have accepted and allowed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a positive experience of energy to the word ‘safe’ in the relationship of myself towards the secret mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this experience of myself as positive energy within being in safety in my secret mind and for accepting and allowing myself to live within this experience of hope of more and more of this as this character of a day dreamer willing to sacrifice reality itself to satisfy myself within and as my mind, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within this definition of myself in safety that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a world of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as more than others in this secret mind within my own ‘kingdom’ where I believe that I have absolute ‘control’ because I have chosen to let nothing in that can hurt me and let nothing out that can hurt me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have ‘won’ within this game of competition that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is going on within this relationship of me towards the world, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as losing through expressing who I am within and through the words I speak.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a character that acts on automatic as a gate-keeper and as a sentry on the parapets of the castle that I have made as the limitations of myself that I have accepted and allowed as who I am as this secret mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this sentry character to act for me so that I as the day dream character can get away and run off and play within the safety of my secret kingdom of the mind.

 

I commit myself to investigate these characters that I have employed to protect and support this day-dream character. I commit myself to follow the development and evolution of these characters in my life.

 

Continuing next blog…

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 108: Spite from out of Silence

 

School days continued: A Memory

 

Walking into school I believe that now I’m safe within the secret kingdom of my mind in accordance with this new vow of ‘I will never speak again’, I am now invulnerable, the winner.

In a memory a boy catches up with me as I walk along, he seems all friendly, and I am suspicious, I wonder if he has been sent to spy on me. He asks me questions, seeking to draw me out, find out where I’m at, what is going on. From the inside looking out, I am spiteful, laughing at him, mocking him, and ‘You can’t make me’ comes up as a thought. A pressure from inside me to respond pushes aside my resolution to not speak at all and out of my mouth comes a spiteful solution, to not respond, but to just repeat exactly what he says, to throw his own words back into his face. This way although I have lost control of my self imposed silence, I have avoided becoming trapped within my own words by only exactly repeating his, and so have manipulated myself into believing that still I have control, while at the same time in this strategy, I can also have revenge because I project on him that it must be painful to be confronted with exactly his own words thrown back at him, in which he cannot avoid to but see himself. In this act of spite I wish to invoke in him an experience of being hurt. There is malice in this, cruelty, like deliberately slamming a door in someone’s face. ‘See how you like it’ comes up as a thought.

Walking through this memory next blog…

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 107: Let’s Pretend I Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and understand the motives and intentions of this daydream character to only play games with the experience of me as energy, of Let’s Pretend, I Change. 

 

The I am Weary character, not just tired, but Weary. Weary contains this justification, ok I’ve pushed it along a bit, therefore I have a right to rest, it is after all only natural, and besides, that fuzzy feeling that is in my mind, that will clear, but only take it easy, get cozy, just lie down and drift away, it feels so nice yes that’s it, cool, I could lie down and simply breathe and stop the mind, cool.

These are just some of my own enchantments and justifications, self seductions of the weariness that seems to be about to overwhelm me, like giving up to the mind could be such a positive experience, and then the daydreamer is back.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘I am Weary’ thought as who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and see the pattern of the day dreamer within this thought.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the day dream character within the thought that ‘as I’ve pushed myself’ in various ways, that now it would be only natural to have a ‘little’ break and let myself to be reabsorbed into the system of the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this word of Weary to contain my justification to return into the unreal world of fantasy and day dream. I forgive myself that I have deliberately kept a back door open for this day dream world in which my hidden intention is to return into this belief that I am energy and therefore can and will eventually be tired and weary, and will need to reconstitute myself as mind, so that I can play another day within this game of ‘Let’s pretend, I change’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within my mind, both I ‘tried’ and ‘tried’ and I am ‘tired’ within ‘now I am Weary’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect I am Weary to a positive experience of who I am as one who ‘tried’ but eventually ‘gave in’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a character part within the movie called ‘The one who tried and tried but had to in the end, give in’. Starring me; such tragedy, before a well ‘earned’ rest. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within my mind a scenario in which I welcome me back into the arms of my mind as the hero of a film of one who really tried, so hard, but now was Weary, and so ready and prepared to forgive myself for giving in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and understand the motives and intentions of this daydream character to only play games with the experience of me as energy, of Let’s Pretend, I Change.

 

I commit myself to Actual Change.

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 

 It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Day 106: The ‘I Will Never Speak Again’ Character

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gag myself in an effort to escape from my fear of my own words and the characters that might speak for me.

 

School continued…

 

One day I decided to never speak again in my whole life, I was imagining that I would somehow ‘get by’ that is ‘around it’ and through this ‘life’ in silence, and no more get into the ‘trouble’ that I was getting into by opening my mouth and releasing words from the starting point of distorting reality in these compulsive lies, and protecting my day dream world, or just in saying words according to the ways that I had always said them with no consequence within my family world.

 

Suddenly, that is within a few weeks of colliding that is in coming into conflict with the reality of the outside of my conversation-less and ‘sheltered’ ‘home’ in the form of this institution that was called a ‘school’, I formed a new relationship with words coming out of my mouth, which was a connection of it all to fear. Every word I spoke seemed to provoke an energy reaction that was in some way, a ‘surprise’, and would have a consequence that would come back on me. The nature of the ‘trouble’ that I found myself involved in, was in the self definitions that I accepted and allowed through the judgements of others. Why it was that I gave to everyone around me ‘authority’ through which I became completely ‘gullible’ in believing what they said to me to be the truth? In the character of the day dreamer there was no critical thinking with regard to others; someone told me something and I believed it. It was as if I was in a foreign world in which everybody had the authority of being at one with it, and in this I was as the character of the stranger that would accept the advice of anyone be they young or old regarding how things work, and how they are done, or what this means.

 

It seemed clear to me that my troubles were caused by the words that were coming out of my mouth; this realization of the simplicity of the problem, not questioning who it was that uttered these words or who I actually was within myself behind the character that I had accepted and allowed to be my spokesman, this simple realization seemed to have a simple solution, that I would mechanically from this time forward, keep my mouth firmly closed and never ever speak again. It was a vow, a deliberate and conscious decision, and I felt a positive energy in having in a way outsmarted the compulsive and automatic liar and all the automatic processes and any other impulse coming up from within me to speak at all. It was like, so, now, how do I go on from here, that problem ‘solved’, into a world in which I do not ever speak again?

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my only way to stop these characters of my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by is to stop all access to the world through the words that pass my lips by keeping my mouth closed in a vow of silence.

 

I commit myself to undo and to release this vow of silence from my mind and from my body in the realization that I have accepted and allowed myself to bind myself into and as a contract of fear and self-enslavement to the mind.

 

I commit myself to undo and to release all residues that remain of this vow of silence that I have made in childhood that remain within my physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on realization of and learning who I am by investigating the energy that is contained within the words I speak and for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that these words I use have been defined and energized by me and therefore can be re-defined by me so as to be aligned with what is real and can be released by me from the energies that I have accepted and allowed them to carry and contain and to convey.

 

I commit myself to release myself from my fear and love of words, in the realization that my love of words comes from the starting point of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest and to embody and to become possessed by a character of fear in relation to all expression of myself and towards the other characters that I have accepted and allowed to play the part of me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and to allow my mind to impose a vow of silence from a starting point of fear of who I am. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me a life of fear in which my whole existence would remain by my consent within and as a secret mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own expression within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of my secret mind that I have accepted and allowed as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand by strategies of survival for my secret mind, and for standing up for self abuse and for an existence in which Life remains unknown, and therefore for an existence in which abuse of Life remains unrecognized for what it is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out ways to protect and to preserve my life of fear, and to not allow myself to realize that within this I am accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself to the interests of the mind.

 

 

In relation to this vow that I once made when I was a child, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge deliberate decisions and vows that I have made ‘long ago’ as being of ‘no importance’ and ‘something that can be overlooked’, because obviously since then, I have spoken and have talked and therefore not kept this vow, when actually I have never deliberately and consciously changed this vow but only left it as layer within myself and as a monument to self distrust, and I have never up till now forgiven in myself this fear on which I based this vow or changed the foundation on which I accepted and allowed myself to proceed into and onwards with my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my own decisions in my life as having ‘no consequence’, within which I have accepted and allowed a clause of sabotage within myself that no matter what I decide within myself I will not break the foundations of my slavery to fear.

 

continuing with this next blog…

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 

 It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com