The hope character not finally extinguished. The flickering image remains of the candle in the wind, the striking of a light, the dependence on the last hope, and the lighting of a candle for myself in my own religion, a spot of warmth in a cold world, the flaring up of a match, cradled in my hands… the images go on… and I will let them roll, because here I need to look at all the dimensions of this last hope, as symbolized by this striking of a match.
So yes, the addiction character here, as in an addiction to: cigarettes. And in close association, collaboration, the character of the last hope. I do not understand so far the exact relationship, except in this addiction to and dependence on, and where I have fastened in my trust into, this positive experience of energy that I have made of hope.
So from this point I will be walking the addiction character and the last hope character together for as long as it takes, and then there is the other one as well, the fearful one.
In the mind-movie of The Last Hope, it would be inconceivable that it would not be satisfied, that would be the movie in which the superstar of consciousness did not survive, impossible. Therefore dependence in the mind on the last hope.
And these little sips of carbon monoxide that I have been mixing with my breath for about forty-five years, which have given to me a kind of stability, I have to look at that. When I first smoked a cigarette and got high on it, it was like, this is it! This is what I have been missing all these years! (age fifteen), so it seemed to fill a need which I had not recognized. That was like a form of self-medication. Because smoking was strictly against all the rules, then my walks alone, my truancy, and the loner character became entwined into this collaboration also.
Ok, so many characters interlocked. When that multi-dimensional image of the system comes up, I stop and I breathe, I use that image to serve me now but to remind me that ‘the system’ is vulnerable, that it needs protections and defense mechanisms. I remind myself of the core fact that every individual point can simply be reversed point by point for the entire system to be changed and that this fact can only be disguised by images of these multiple conglomerations of points all merged together and confused and overwhelming.
In looking into the character that will ‘never speak again’, I looked at how this vow, this decision that I made, seemed like a solution to the problem of being possessed and overwhelmed by other characters of spite, that it seemed like I could have control by simply clamping down my mouth and walking into a future life of secret mind and suspicious observation.
It was as if I had no control, that I found myself totally open and vulnerable to possession, that I was in some way like a vacancy to be possessed, and that I feared that I could do nothing about it and believed that I had no way to deal with this experience of myself, but to concentrate on holding my mouth shut.
How this fear of being possessed and taken over, this fear of loss of control could be resolved by this new discovery of a stability of a sort brought on by the drug of nicotine, may have been an upgrade of the same ‘solution’. Where rather than to face this experience of myself and to investigate these fears and these possessions I chose again the path of self suppression. Only this time round the loop, my solution was both symbolic and pharmaceutical.
Continuing next blog…
On the giving up of my possessions, see: CRUCIFIXION 5
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