Day 106: The ‘I Will Never Speak Again’ Character
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gag myself in an effort to escape from my fear of my own words and the characters that might speak for me.
One day I decided to never speak again in my whole life, I was imagining that I would somehow ‘get by’ that is ‘around it’ and through this ‘life’ in silence, and no more get into the ‘trouble’ that I was getting into by opening my mouth and releasing words from the starting point of distorting reality in these compulsive lies, and protecting my day dream world, or just in saying words according to the ways that I had always said them with no consequence within my family world.
Suddenly, that is within a few weeks of colliding that is in coming into conflict with the reality of the outside of my conversation-less and ‘sheltered’ ‘home’ in the form of this institution that was called a ‘school’, I formed a new relationship with words coming out of my mouth, which was a connection of it all to fear. Every word I spoke seemed to provoke an energy reaction that was in some way, a ‘surprise’, and would have a consequence that would come back on me. The nature of the ‘trouble’ that I found myself involved in, was in the self definitions that I accepted and allowed through the judgements of others. Why it was that I gave to everyone around me ‘authority’ through which I became completely ‘gullible’ in believing what they said to me to be the truth? In the character of the day dreamer there was no critical thinking with regard to others; someone told me something and I believed it. It was as if I was in a foreign world in which everybody had the authority of being at one with it, and in this I was as the character of the stranger that would accept the advice of anyone be they young or old regarding how things work, and how they are done, or what this means.
It seemed clear to me that my troubles were caused by the words that were coming out of my mouth; this realization of the simplicity of the problem, not questioning who it was that uttered these words or who I actually was within myself behind the character that I had accepted and allowed to be my spokesman, this simple realization seemed to have a simple solution, that I would mechanically from this time forward, keep my mouth firmly closed and never ever speak again. It was a vow, a deliberate and conscious decision, and I felt a positive energy in having in a way outsmarted the compulsive and automatic liar and all the automatic processes and any other impulse coming up from within me to speak at all. It was like, so, now, how do I go on from here, that problem ‘solved’, into a world in which I do not ever speak again?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my only way to stop these characters of my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by is to stop all access to the world through the words that pass my lips by keeping my mouth closed in a vow of silence.
I commit myself to undo and to release this vow of silence from my mind and from my body in the realization that I have accepted and allowed myself to bind myself into and as a contract of fear and self-enslavement to the mind.
I commit myself to undo and to release all residues that remain of this vow of silence that I have made in childhood that remain within my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on realization of and learning who I am by investigating the energy that is contained within the words I speak and for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that these words I use have been defined and energized by me and therefore can be re-defined by me so as to be aligned with what is real and can be released by me from the energies that I have accepted and allowed them to carry and contain and to convey.
I commit myself to release myself from my fear and love of words, in the realization that my love of words comes from the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest and to embody and to become possessed by a character of fear in relation to all expression of myself and towards the other characters that I have accepted and allowed to play the part of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and to allow my mind to impose a vow of silence from a starting point of fear of who I am. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me a life of fear in which my whole existence would remain by my consent within and as a secret mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own expression within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of my secret mind that I have accepted and allowed as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand by strategies of survival for my secret mind, and for standing up for self abuse and for an existence in which Life remains unknown, and therefore for an existence in which abuse of Life remains unrecognized for what it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out ways to protect and to preserve my life of fear, and to not allow myself to realize that within this I am accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself to the interests of the mind.
In relation to this vow that I once made when I was a child, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge deliberate decisions and vows that I have made ‘long ago’ as being of ‘no importance’ and ‘something that can be overlooked’, because obviously since then, I have spoken and have talked and therefore not kept this vow, when actually I have never deliberately and consciously changed this vow but only left it as layer within myself and as a monument to self distrust, and I have never up till now forgiven in myself this fear on which I based this vow or changed the foundation on which I accepted and allowed myself to proceed into and onwards with my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my own decisions in my life as having ‘no consequence’, within which I have accepted and allowed a clause of sabotage within myself that no matter what I decide within myself I will not break the foundations of my slavery to fear.
continuing with this next blog…
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