Day 115: The Smoking Addict Self Forgiveness

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to study the exact movements of my mothers lips and posture in her experience of satisfaction in exhaling a plume of cigarette smoke, and storing this information within my mind as a formula of a way to be.

 

 

The sweet smell of cigarette smoke and the sight of its pale blue strands folding over the seat from the front of the car was a pleasure to me from as young as I can remember. These were like recorded moments of satisfaction in my parents’ lives.

During the last few days, a memory came up with an experience in which I was in the family car with the rest of the family, it was a camping holiday, driving across France in the rain, heading for Spain, a sunny place beyond the bottom of the map. It must have been that I woke out of a sleep to hear a row going on between my parents in the front seats, because I sort of woke up into it and in it, and I did not recognize in any way the energies that were being expressed. There was what I interpreted it to be in it a vicious or harmful dimension, and I got somehow caught up in it, like there was an electric storm going on in my mind, where there usually was me.

My reaction to this was one of fear, and I felt had to get out and get away, and I pressed my face up against the window and concentrated on what was going by; trees, one after another, an endless avenue of trees down a long straight road. And I imagined a saw sticking out of the side of the car, cutting down every single tree that went by, not leaving a single one out, so that the car was leaving behind it a wake of destruction.

To get away from my experience of fear towards these entirely new and unknown energies and from fear towards my experience of myself as lost and turned upside down within it, like an experience of absolute instability and loss of control; my strategy was to get away within my mind and to distract myself compulsively within this task I set myself of cutting down the trees.

(Hollywood image ref: Ben-Hur and chariot race with spikes and swords sticking out of their wheels.)

The smell of lighted cigarettes was a moment when the argument was over, and everything was ok.

This memory shows me how I found a strategy to deal with my fear by requiring a compulsion to distract myself into an alternative reality within my mind instead of staying with me and facing what is Here.

The Smoker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I try to stop smoking entirely and completely then I will fail because I have tried to stop before and always gone back on myself, because the addictive character has finally stepped in to take control and I have yielded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment when I give away my power of direction to this character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in this moment when I give away my power of direction to this character. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘weak’ or ‘lacking’ or having something ‘wrong’ with me in this moment when I yield to this compulsion of the addiction, and for not realizing that this judgement of myself in fact directly supports the continuation of the addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment when I take back my power of direction from this character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my failure to stop this addictive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing myself to stopping this addictive behavior of smoking cigarettes because I fear that my commitment will be meaningless, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself in having no control.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the moment that I discovered the effect of nicotine within my bloodstream on my mind and then made a decision within ‘This is it, this is what I have been missing all these years’, that the decision that I made was that there was a lack within me and a hole that must be filled, a wanting in my being that required and then initiated an addictive character to manifest as part of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to fear to stand amongst the fears that I have accepted and allowed myself to circulate within me and to simply breath and look at what they are.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to substitute control and management of fear for actual stability that did not require energy or maintainance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that my decision to light a cigarette is an affirmation of my belief in control and suppression of my fears and therefore has the effect of increasing my fears and making them real.

I forgive myself that in accepting and allowing a judgement of myself as weak in having no control I therefore required a strong addiction and strong cigarettes as my substitute for control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having something missing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself as this definition that I have made of me as having something missing, as being incomplete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make a commitment or a decision then that is it, a single event, and I only have to walk from there, instead of realizing that I will have to maintain and live and make this commitment and decision all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in fearing to stop and to release this addiction character that I have required initiated manifested and maintained that what I fear is giving up my fear of loss, a loss that is not real and did not happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I showed myself in my first experience of the effect of nicotine within my body was that stability was possible within my life, that it was possible for me to enjoy the experience of being here. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only get to this experience of being stable Here through something that I saw as separate from me, a thing in the outside world, a cigarette that I could simply light and then breathe its smoke into my lungs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can be Here as stability within the simplicity of my physical breath at and in and as each moment, and in this realization to see that I do not need to smoke because I do not need to find this stability from nicotine, and I do not any longer require this addictive character to manage this point of fulfilling something missing that I believed was something lacking from my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a moment of emptiness in which I do not any longer turn back into the consequence of my addiction, in which I fear a space in which I do not know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to move into the unknown of a moment in which I do not have a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest within me through the looping of my addiction, an underworld of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘alive’ in a world of fear, and that if I am to move, then it is a risk that I am taking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frozen in a world of fear in which I am thinking in my mind that I have to make a decision to move or not to move instead of me allowing myself to be movement as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fort-ify’ myself in my decision to move in my accepted world of fear by smoking a cigarette so that I can con-vince myself that I am moving without fear in my relationship with a cigarette to my lips which I have defined as an intimate relationship of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to fort-ify in my mind within this word which I have utilized to make a safe protected place in a world of fear in which I can rest and make a decision in my mind to move by looking at and considering my best option amongst a selection of fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to con-vince myself of a lie that I am moving within which word I tell myself that I am winning in a competition against my rising emotions to distort my own reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship of love to a cigarette so that I can distract myself and hide from the reality which I have accepted and allowed which is that I am petrified within a world of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect hope to the light of naked flame with which I light a cigarette that I may once again experience this alternative reality in which I am safe for a moment within a world of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in an image that comes into my mind of a single moment of exhaling smoke from my lungs as a single moment that I can manifest in my life in which nothing matters, and I have covered up or transcended in a stream of smoke my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to backchat in my mind when I have a cigarette that says that ‘everything’s ok’, and that because of this, ‘I can go on’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of my strategy to move myself within my paralysis of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look on movement in the world from a position of apparent safety as a positive feeling in my mind and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the movement in myself which from this safety zone I see as negative .

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I have manifested as a consequence of taking up smoking as a secret blow against the rules control and authority of the school, that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by a character of addiction as my mind as the authority and control of me that I sought to defy in taking up smoking.

Continuing next blog…

 

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/Desteni.org Equalmoney.org

AND…Check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

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~ by adamsblogs on August 28, 2012.

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