Day 111: The Hope Character
The pile-it-high, bamboozling character is the one that steps in and says, well while you are at it, you can do this this and this and this and this, not forgetting that and that and that and that, making a single step into a mountain of responsibilities, and there is an image in my mind of so much to do, too much too much too much, and then the weariness snakes in, almost as if to the rescue, a word which then connects to hope. So in starting to examine how and in what way I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate and to become addicted to the hope character, this bamboozling defense pattern steps up to the throne, and takes its place. So then it’s not to forget the daydreamer connection, the procrastinator and the dimension of regret, not to forget the promises of faith and God and Jesus on a cloud, the Alien rescue and the White Light, the lottery, the gambling, Lady Luck, the fear of failure, the fear of responsibility, the fear the fear the fear; it’s like the entire system lights up in my mind, and then I go to giving up, it’s all too much, and bla bla bla. It’s interesting how this bamboozling character appears to know exactly how to proceed and what is relevant and not relevant in my process, and what should not be forgotten or left out, as if it were a path that it had already trodden itself.
Taking the action of writing this, I realize that the bamboozling pile-on-the-responsibility character acts in support of the hope character, for because the starting point of fear of responsibility and fear of failure has already been accepted and allowed and established in me, by me, then the bamboozler only has to magnify the hugeness or complexity of the task or the responsibility, and hence to magnify the fear, for the weary giving up solution and rescuer to step in, the character of Hope, for example here in setting out these characters, the image comes up in my mind of having become somehow all clear and specific about these mind relationships, an image of me in a state of somehow having come into and arrived at this completed ordered reality of ‘understanding’ and ‘clarity’ about how it all works, like in the magical process of ‘putting it on the back-burners’, or ‘sleeping on it’ or otherwise yielding to the temptations of this positive feeling in my mind of hope, and hope-fullness, in which my character has been fed and is now satisfied.
However, what has not happened so far, the missing bit, is the actual real task of writing this and actually really finding out what is going on, and practically making steps towards a real understanding in a process of gradually a greater understanding, and greater specificity so as to then be able to walk through the individual points of self forgiveness and self correction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make responsibility into such a massive thing in my mind, when actually my responsibility is one and equal to each breath, and I forgive myself that I have used this exaggeration of responsibility and fear to manipulate myself to justify my return into a state of giving up on myself as the character of hope.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘failure’, in which I’ve made of ‘failure’ an image in my mind in which if I ‘fail’ I’m apparently fucked, and I do not give myself the opportunity to try again or to learn, but have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in separation as a ‘failure’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others in having ‘failed’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgements of others and for not allowing myself to see that these judgements are my very own towards myself that I am seeking to avoid or face or to experience. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give me just one chance to either fail or to succeed as compared to images within my mind, in which I do not give myself the opportunity to learn.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made out of a practical task a test of ‘failure’ or ‘success’ as images in my mind, instead of staying with my own determination to complete this task and get it done in practical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing my own self-judgements, and for then projecting them onto others, and for then avoiding to stand up in front of them when I know that there is a task that needs to be done, but instead I wait in hope that someone else will stand up and do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize or understand that this character of hope is a design of self enslavement to ensure that beings do not stand up and put their effort into practical change of self or practical change of world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as this character of hope to have believed that I have actually changed when all I’ve done is feed an image in my mind that I have made in hope of me as ‘changed’, never having walked the self forgiveness/self correction through into actual physical living proof to me, as me of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to the word hope, positivity, in accordance with a judgement of positivity as ‘good’, so that in being in ‘hope’ I have accepted and allowed myself in separation from myself, and believing that I am in support of me as self when actually I am in support of me as an experience of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically in physical reality get done and finished and completed tasks that I have had before me to do because I have somehow ‘done’ them in my mind, when actually I have not done them yet but left them half finished.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as the character of hope as energy within my mind to look upon the physical world and make judgements of likes and dislikes about a specific physical task and to then decide to not do them, and in this I am not allowing myself to realize that my mind has absolutely no comprehension of what is actually involved in physical reality and the process of this physical task.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as the character of hope to be satisfied with an experience in my mind, such as looking at a piece of work and then believing that it looks finished and complete, so that apparently there’s nothing more I need to do. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my own perception with and as the character of hope.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose rather to have a positive experience as energy in the comfort of my mind, than to actually live in physicality in walking change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used up much of my life in and as this character of hope in waiting ultimately for me within my mind, believing that something would happen or something would come along and tomorrow’s another day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character of hope to have seen the world not change or else deteriorate and to have done absolutely nothing about it but hope that someone else would, some new government, or some new law, or some new technology, or some returning Jesus/Alien fantasy in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character of hope to keep me in a state of waiting for something or someone outside of me to change my life and to change my world.
I commit myself to change this character of hope in simple action in the physical.
I do not accept the mind’s assessment of the task. I do not accept that the imagination can possibly comprehend what is actually involved in action and interaction with the physical world. I commit myself to take back my own authority from this character of hope and to release myself from these pictures and images in my mind of the task ‘finished’ or ‘done’ in some alternative reality in which the actual physical life process has been skipped and avoided, and I commit myself to release myself from these fears of my own judgements that I have used to justify this position in my mind of this character of hope.
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