School days continued: A Memory
Walking into school I believe that now I’m safe within the secret kingdom of my mind in accordance with this new vow of ‘I will never speak again’, I am now invulnerable, the winner.
In a memory a boy catches up with me as I walk along, he seems all friendly, and I am suspicious, I wonder if he has been sent to spy on me. He asks me questions, seeking to draw me out, find out where I’m at, what is going on. From the inside looking out, I am spiteful, laughing at him, mocking him, and ‘You can’t make me’ comes up as a thought. A pressure from inside me to respond pushes aside my resolution to not speak at all and out of my mouth comes a spiteful solution, to not respond, but to just repeat exactly what he says, to throw his own words back into his face. This way although I have lost control of my self imposed silence, I have avoided becoming trapped within my own words by only exactly repeating his, and so have manipulated myself into believing that still I have control, while at the same time in this strategy, I can also have revenge because I project on him that it must be painful to be confronted with exactly his own words thrown back at him, in which he cannot avoid to but see himself. In this act of spite I wish to invoke in him an experience of being hurt. There is malice in this, cruelty, like deliberately slamming a door in someone’s face. ‘See how you like it’ comes up as a thought.
Walking through this memory next blog…
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