Day 114: The non-smoking Character
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a character to have judged the character of smoking as a new character of giving-up smoking and non-smoking and then to have looked upon a picture of bleak emptiness as the new character which I have accepted and allowed myself to line up within me to take it’s place, so far unoccupied, as the new character that ‘does not smoke’, and then to have listened to and participated in my own consent within a line of backchat that says, ‘ ….and so…I can’t do this’…believing that this is who I am that cannot face the bleakness that I show myself, while I feel I cannot walk myself into this new ‘yet another’ character that my mind has organized for me in another bleak character-world of my mind that is not physical reality, but that is my new programme update of how to be in my judgement character’s interpretation of what is my life me within which I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand and live Here as breath in physical Equality and Oneness but instead to entertain in my mind a thought based in fear of what is Here, a thought of longing and of hope that maybe I can turn back and revert into my old character that I believed was me and still can and could possibly believe is me and then just simply not have any longer these problems that I give myself but go back to the easy life of walking in and as a programme that I’ve walked so well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in attempting to release a character, to make a new one, because I have accepted and allowed a character of judgement as me within and as my mind to take charge of the situation for me and to be responsible for character-deconstruction as character-upgrade while I return to abdication as the starting point I know so well within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up a character out of trying to keep one step ahead of my own automatic self manipulations that I have accepted and allowed as programmes in my mind and for not seeing and realizing that this is my acceptance and allowance of character creation as a way of apparently being this thing according to the perspectives of my consciousness that I have named this file called ‘life’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to these triggers of hope and longing, in which neither of them is any access to the physical existence or to action but only into suspension in and as the mind in waiting.
bleak 1 |blēk|
(of an area of land) lacking vegetation and exposed to the elements: a bleak and barren moor.
• (of a building or room) charmless and inhospitable; dreary: he looked around the bleak little room in despair.
• (of the weather) cold and miserable: a bleak midwinter’s day.
• (of a situation or future prospect) not hopeful or encouraging; unlikely to have a favorable outcome: he paints a bleak picture of a company that has lost its way.
• (of a person or a person’s expression) cold and forbidding: his bleak, near vacant eyes grew remote.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘bleak’ according to my own energy of hope and longing in my mind as perspectives of the future and the past and of myself as fear of loss, crucified within and as self pity on my cross of trust within and as my mind.
I release this definition that I have lived within and as this word as charged with negative energy as an image of fear for me to respond to and I return this word to its simplicity in meaning the whiteness of a winter’s day, white with frost or snow, as bleached, or a landscape that has little vegetation. And I remove from it this relationship of me towards the world in which I do not see the world but live within and as remoteness as the mind, in hope and longing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within and as this relationship that I have made between the mind as me as energy towards the physical within the definition that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this word of ‘bleak’ in which I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world only according to whether or not it will satisfy my self interest.
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