Day 459: That Shitty Feeling


comic strip frames with ripples

Day 459: That Shitty Feeling

By the time I print a finished version of these notes, I hope that I will have made them more ordered, structured, easier to read, easy to understand, principally for me, but for those who read them also; I do not want to give the false impression that this organization is spontaneous, or that this was how it was to start, the form in which it came up in me; in fact I scribbled down different aspects as they came up, different dimensions of the thing, understandings, comments, notes, of the points involved from differing distances and perspectives; my written notes are quite a mess: full of little arrows and crossings out, and asterisks, and square brackets, where my notes were actually about something so completely different that they might be filed beneath the heading of ‘related but at the same time altogether different subjects.’ And so, for example, reading through these scribbled notes, I might now write and underline the heading: ‘This is where it started’, and then another heading: ‘Other things in parallel, or not in parallel at all to this.’ Or ‘Where I thought it came from.’ Or ‘My understanding of this, my analysis of this.’ Or, ‘How all of this has shaped my life,’ or ‘how I see this gets reflected in the world’… I mean understandings of ourselves, our feelings and emotions, our minds, and of our introspections have all such multiple dimensions, and as the understandings and the revelations surface they do not arrive in linear order, or create between themselves one single point. Over this paragraph itself, I might write: ‘How I supported myself by going through my scribbled sentences and paragraphs, writing headings.’

Often in the process of my writing, I write out and speak self-forgiveness statements: these are not separate from my explorations, or from the progress of my journey; without the tool of self-forgiveness, suppressions cannot simply open, because it is the un-forgiveness or judgement of the self that holds suppressions sealed in place, that holds them down; and while those judgements are in place they act as bonds of that illusion that we live, that we cannot see beyond. That is how a life can be lived without an inkling of a general self-deception. As in this example that I’d like to share, I came through my introspections with a new perspective of my life in which I clearly saw how many of my actions and decisions had been made in relation to a certain feeling in me, rather than in direct relation to myself or to the physical world of people, or to the physical itself.

It’s interesting how the most trivial seeming everyday event when opened up and looked into can reveal internal points of energy, infiltrating deep and far into the past: from examining the nature of a shitty feeling frequently present in my everyday experience I suddenly get an insight of the darker forces that I had hardly noticed, driving my unconscious landscape. As within so without: just as with the fake news of a controlling media, there comes a time in which one dares to question it; internally, the layers of excuses and justifications that accumulated into false realities come up for questioning as well, that acceptance of a stance of ‘happening to be the way I am.’

In the story that I’m sharing here, that instance of looking at a moment of ‘happening to be the way I am’ was in being confronted by a moment in which someone with whom I normally share a greeting, did not respond; and what this triggered in me was first of all a familiar shitty feeling, and then a familiar litany of questions, such as: What have I done; Have I done something wrong; Is it something that I’ve said or not said; something that I’ve done or not done; Have I upset them in some way; Has there been some gossip going round? By familiar what I mean is, this is not like something new to me; and that this is not a massive reaction that I must immediately look into; you could call it more a rather tired old reaction, definitely there, but in the background. And yet something that was new to me in that moment was the question of: Ok, but what is it that this point is anchored into? I mean this shitty feeling in me has obviously really nothing to do with this specific person; it is my everyday relationship with myself that keeps these points running around my mind, that keeps this shitty feeling fresh and new.

So that was like the break-through question: How was it that I came to create points in my mind in connection to ‘Hello’, and responses to Hello? And what exactly does this shitty feeling consist of? And immediately just in asking this I could see how much of all those questions coming up in me were like distractions from this feeling, were like seeking out somewhere in the outside world to land the blame.

Tracing back into my life the occurrence of this shitty feeling was not a difficult thing to do; to some extent it was always there with me, standing like a guard to my expression, but something that came up for me were memories of my early life at boarding school, in which I had mistakenly trusted in the advice of my father of ‘just do what others do and you’ll be alright,’ which I had then misconstrued into ‘give my trust to these others to define me’… this strategy blew up in my face, when as a group, my peers fell into a synchronized rejection of me – putting me in Coventry – meaning, not speaking to me; having given away the power to define me, I made the mistake of believing that this Coventry was a response to something about me that made me unacceptable – that shittiness that I felt inside myself I took to be the shittiness of who I was. That trust that I had foisted onto them had rebounded as a belief in the veracity of their consensual judgements, and since the judgements were hostile, I started to believe, and so trust also, that the inner shittiness of who I was was real.

That was where I began to hide myself away, and try to keep my mouth shut, never speak again, and stuff like that. Even sometime later when it was explained to me that what had happened was that I’d been put in Coventry, it did not change that for me with groups of peers there was now a risk, an element of danger, of possible betrayal. That it was possible for a group to synchronize in breaking someone down was a new dimension in my world, as well as what I had established in myself which was that experience of shittiness as apparently a reminder of who I am, that I then went on to making patterns with: of fearing it and reacting to it and avoiding it and running away from it.

Running away from your feelings seems possible when they are attributed to the actions and behaviors of others, and when they accumulate in relationships: then, just going somewhere else seems like an escape: here is where the devices of self manipulation, excuse and justification gradually weave their stories, imaginary worlds like comic strips, from out of which and from within which that shitty feeling seems to only be a constant nagging in the background; here is where the option of drugs can act like a salve to change the feeling into something positive; and so here is where in service to that shitty feeling and to the fear of the experience of it, it accumulates into what might seem like an addiction, where the blame of others is then focused onto blame of chemicals.

Looking through the chapters of my life I was appalled to see how many situations I had just ran from, when in every case that experience I feared I carried with me, not seeing it, because it seemed so intimately part of me, not seeing it because my self manipulation was so well practiced, not seeing how that guardian that stood beside my self expression had been placed by me for my own protection, so as not to experience that shittiness of me.

When I asked myself what kind of stories did I tell myself through my life about what happened, what was my excuse? And what I saw was that the ‘shock of broken trust’ had formed the fake news headline, or ‘betrayal’; the shocking badness of it all, that I had given something precious away that now was ‘shattered’ and ’broken’; in which I was the innocent, the victim, and this betrayal was to be seen as something done unto me – so that for my comfort, blame could be established from it – and that shitty feeling could be viewed as my justified response to that.

And yet beneath this story that I chose to live, what lay there within me was my awareness that I had given my responsibility for me defining me, to someone else, in trusting them. So beneath the story of the shock of broken trust and of betrayal was that shitty feeling that all of it was down to me, that I had given my trust in me to someone else – as a manipulation really – and also in a way, a self betrayal, this was the point beneath it all that I dared not see directly.

It was interesting for me to look into the backchat statement that came up in me in various forms in my reactions to such situations:- What have I done? Because looking into that sentence and the way I asked it in myself, how I couched the question, it was as if in the tone of it I was asking the world for an answer, as if in preparation to defend myself, the question posed as if in a protest of innocence. There are so many ways of habitually asking such a thing, or of internally re-iterating it, without ever really seeing the words for what they are – and crucially – of seeing how such a question could support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these words without consideration of my own support but instead to use them to support my separation from myself.

Here is an opening for me in which I can make a start in changing what I have imprinted into me: as and when this backchat comes up in me, I recognize it as a question that can really in fact support me. As and when that shitty feeling comes along, I can stop and breathe and realise that yes this shitty feeling has been here in me – by my permission, by my instigation – and so obviously I have the power to let it go – I do not any longer accept the belief that this shitty feeling is who I am, there is infinitely more to me than this – and letting go of this belief, I let go also of the trust that I held in it. I do not have the expectation that now as if by magic I have through all of this eradicated this shitty feeling from the threshold of my expression, of my saying of Hello, of my speaking words into the world from within myself, from my writing of those words, and yet I have given to me the means to work with it. A shitty feeling in itself is just a feeling when the power has been removed from it.


Various recent recordings on Eqafe have been of much support for me in exploring into this; the perspectives outlined in them embrace fields far wider and deeper than what I have outlined within this post, but if any of what I’ve written here rings a bell then do please take a listen:


Life Reviews:

Sharing Trust vs Entrusting Yourself Part 1

Sharing Trust vs Entrusting Yourself Part 2


Quantum Mind Self Awareness:

Sharing Responsibility vs Abdicating Responsibility

Practicing Responsibility Sharing

Embracing Responsibility









Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 458: Play within Communication

Day 458: Play within Communication


What sort of images come up with the word Play: for me what comes up first are the interactions of children, with each other, with their toys; and then there is the play of Players as free-agents within the structure of a game; theatrical connotations; leisure; entertainment; coming into play, there is the playing out, the playing down, the playing along, the playing up… so much of it to do with games and gamesmanship, activities of ‘leisure’ as opposed to ‘work’, and within ‘work’ defined as a negative, so ‘play’ promoted as a positive.

So like seemingly implied in this, a mass of information about the energies within the word, how it functions in the system, and I was bedazzled by it all, in a kind of righteousness that seeing all this, I already ‘know’ what play is, so what more could I possibly find within it, and in that I did not recognize the resistance that was in me.

But now looking at the word again, this time not as something that ‘I know all about’, am ‘familiar with’, and therefore do not need to redefine it, but instead to see this word in a different way, not as a piece of knowledge and information only, but to see as well that this ‘knowing’ experience, this ‘familiarity’, represents the programming within this word, that I have accepted and allowed, and so come to trust, and that trusting of these programs is the source of confidence with which I tell myself I ‘know’ this word, and therefore do not need to spend more time on it.

How much the potential of a word is, call it crucified – as an image of the life within it, nailed upon the grid lines of the programming – within the ideas and beliefs that seem to fill it out and make it so convincing, so simplified and obvious and everyday, and yet trusting and believing in and following those grid lines only lead back to the starting-point of who I am, as convinced, as knowing, while the potential of the word is overlooked. Or else sometimes like with this, I inadvertently touched on something real, and there’s a reaction in the mind, a withdrawal really, a contraction; the hypnosis levels escalate, with the magnetism of the entertainments, the emergence of distractions even more compelling; all the various scripts that lead to Therefore Take No Action, these are like the roads to Rome.

That’s what happened to me in a way, I looked into the word and it was like a Holy Shit type moment, of seeing something there within the depths of it, and then all of a sudden I was wanting to watch some film, a series, do something else, take a break; and even though I knew that I was in extreme resistance, it did not help; because that relationship to resistance in which recognizing the experience of it, is really just recognizing me in my acceptance of it, that within and as it, I recognize myself as this giving up experience, and then label that ‘resistance.’ So within that I really disempowered myself, and within and as that disempowerment I became just merely witnessing it all. So I watched a film, and took a break and then this morning finally got back to it. Although I let this happen, still there is a steadfast trust in me I am gradually developing, and strengthening; that I will get back to it, that though I still respond to backchat such as you can’t do this, it won’t lead anywhere, it’s a waste of time, it’s kind of wearing thin. So even though I’m swept away and fall within this energy, I do get up again. So yes in redefining words there can be that startling moment in which the ground of the world shifts slightly, and there is a realization that the programs and projections that I’d been living as a word had been so severely limited, and yet at the same time I had experienced as so complete, and that it had been in that experience of completeness that I’d placed my trust.

But anyway what of that Holy Shit type moment? Imagine that you’d spent your days on Earth in front of a TV series, and the word Life had been written plain in every episode you’d seen, like a little picture of some goings-on, until one day you’d looked into this word and suddenly suspected that all the time that little picture had been surrounded by a world, only that world was impossible to see, impossible to grasp because every reference that you had to it was contained within that little picture, within the terms of it, and so what was the residual of that suspicion, but an overwhelming sense of something missing, and what exists within a sense of something missing, but the thing itself, something on the very brink of tangibility, something real, that matters.

That was something like that Holy Shit moment; a fear, that deep within this word Play for me was something of great seriousness, some essential part of me that I had missed, something Real about the way I’d lived this word, and yet not seen: what was it that even in this redefinition process that could have struck such a serious chord, the realization that beneath the programmed surfaces of fun and games, there lay a fact. And when I looked through what I’d written out I realized that the word Trust coming up for me in this context was what it was.

What the word Play represented for me as a child, which was like a creative space, a process of discovery; with my brother I would move from this to that, using whatever was at hand to ply into whatever current story we were living out, or adventure we were in, while an interruption of any kind thrown up by the circumstance of physical reality was simply taken in, adapted to and absorbed into what we were doing. Imagination and action would initiate each other in the service of the present moment, and within all of this there was a natural flexibility. So, creative space, discovery, imagination, invention, action, present, flexibility: words that I may not have known at the time but yet were already like components of what I lived within our Play: as well as this, the Play itself was also communication, and as well, collaboration.

So looking at this memory of childhood play, I could describe it as participating in a collaborative communication dialogue, in which the goal was not a fixture, but constantly changing and shifting according to what had been established in the present moment; it was like an ever branching process of discovery and invention, that was the process that I meant within the words: Let’s play…

And yet writing this and sleeping on it too, I realise as well, that these words discovery, imagination, invention were more like expressions of myself; it was more that in Play I felt free to express these parts of me, so that what defined the play itself was the presence of trust in our communications and our collaborations. This brings up the question for me of how and to what extent later in my life, with the acceptance of this absence I then defined communication itself and lived it thus, or at least had expectations of communication that had no element of play, and then come to see play itself as separate to communication. There is that ripple effect in redefining words because the words are all defined within the matrix of each other.

In a relationship between two friends, where there has been a tiff, the word exchange becomes more formal, guarded, and it takes time to heal that trust that had been simply there before; where there had been those unpredictable creations and discoveries, there are instead, unchallengeable assertions, back-ups, statements of fact, risk assessments, the world of the relationship becomes more stark; instead of being an end within itself, communication now requires a reason, and has a goal and aim, and the words themselves are depended on as programs and projections only. As in the aftermath of the tiff between two friends, where the fabric of communication has been torn, there is that dissonance that interrupted flow, there is no play, that’s like where we fall back on the mind to somehow, create communication, because we’ve lost our way in being it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that communication could still be real in a world in which my trust of me was only tenuous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could somehow get by in a world in which my expression of myself depended on relationships with others, in which I defined my trust of me according to their trust. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disempowered in relationships in which each one’s trust of self depended on the other; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust of me within and as expression of myself was an expendable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my lack of trust for me in expression of myself was something that I could do nothing about, because I did not trust myself, rather than seeing realizing and understanding that trusting me was a thing that I could learn, something I would want to learn for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me in doing something for me in support of me in my lack of trust in me in self expression.

Great support for me in opening up this relationship between Play and Communication has been, Veno, in Wanting to Know before you Start, Journeys into the Afterlife: “And that’s another interesting point to have a look at… in your relationship to your mind, in that blind trust that you have with it, in not really asserting your authority in speaking up and standing up for yourself in your awareness more, in relation to your mind – in what you are going to accept and what not – but to start creating a new trust with yourself, with your awareness. And that new trust is going to come through your application as reality unfolds, as your life and moments open up, by your actions, by your doings: that’s the new trust that you need to start creating. That yes you are not always going to know what is going to open up; you’ve got a general idea, but there is always so much more that will open up both inside yourself and life as you allow it to unfold as fact. Then assess and reassess and adjust as you go. That’s the new way of creation that’s going to happen.”



Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life