Day 440: Righteous Exile

•May 22, 2018 • Leave a Comment

This point of “…me not being able to conceptualize myself as part of this Equality and Oneness, of this life that is here, as the physical body, this physical existence…” Explored by Jack, in Journeys into the Afterlife, 92: Listening to this recording, I remembered a point that was a crucial step for me, back ten years ago, to, from simply reading postings in the Desteni Forum, and listening to the words being spoken in the Portal interviews, to then actually take the step and move myself to start participating in the forum, the point being, that, Each and everyone is part of this: and so I am part of this.

It is odd to try and simulate exactly how I stood back then, resigned in some way as only worthy to observe, but there was certainly an element of, as shared by Jack, that with how I’d lived my life I did not deserve to be a part of it. And this polarity: that Jack spells out in this interview: …the polarity of feeling, looking back, that I could have done More, while at the same time, thinking I myself to be More, and realizing that as long we inside ourselves think that we are more, superior, we cannot really do the More of changing ourselves, of walking this process of the principle of Equality and Oneness as Best for All, because if you on any level within yourself think you’re more, you cannot work on an equal and one level…

Here within the question, How can I forgive myself if I believe that who I am is not worthy of forgiveness, is the question also: How can I forgive myself if I believe that who I am is superior? Seeing and realizing how I could have done more, and judging myself with, therefore I am not worthy, while not seeing how in my starting point of me I am already more, and therefore within and as a reality that I have structured thus, what is there to change, where is the push to really actually come from, into movement, into action if these elements of superiority remain within the starting point of me, it’s like there is a backchat going with that, that would say, why bother? That feel-good righteousness component of my mind giving that apparent edge where somewhere deeply I believe it does not matter, and then in the polarity I judge my indolence and so loop back into the unworthiness, and the recourse of being outside, being the observer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a judgement of myself that who I am is unworthy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the voices in my mind of righteousness, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose this righteous feeling in me as my guide. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that my judgements of myself as being unworthy are coming from a starting point of superiority as who I am in righteous judgement. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see this loop of energy.

I forgive myself that in my past I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can choose whether or not to live or die, that therefore I am superior to life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that choosing death would be a victory over life, that it would be proof of my superiority.

I forgive myself that though I have chosen long time not to die, I have not rooted out this belief, but have instead allowed it to exist within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge superiority that exists within me and so suppress this belief within me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this belief as a support to a feeling of righteousness and of superiority, as if all the time somewhere in my being, up my sleeve I held the joker card, that I could opt out any time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this that I am trapped by life, to fear that I may be trapped by life, to look for means of fighting life, of overcoming life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within all of these relationships to life that it can be real that I am separate from life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a reality that is only of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that superiority based on feelings of righteousness can be real. I forgive myself that I have accepted within and as superiority that I can dictate the nature of reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the reality of me that I dictate in judging me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the reality of my judgement definition of me, of my unworthiness, as being less than good enough to be a part of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the judgements of my own superiority that who I am within myself is bad. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within accepting and allowing these beliefs to separate myself from being whole-hearted in participation in the physical world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the limitation of the role of an observer. I forgive myself that I have given observation value over participation, and that I have not seen through the sentence meted out by my judgements of my own unworthiness.

 

 

 

 

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Day 439: Righteous Fear

•May 18, 2018 • Leave a Comment

 

Recently in Journeys into the Afterlife, 93, Veno asks: What conditions have we accepted and allowed inside ourselves, our bodies, our lives, that has essentially become our disempowerment, our victimization, our weakness, that is accepting and allowing us to become abused by where we find ourselves, our experiences, who we are instead of rising through it and above it?

It took me a while to absorb and process this question, but in waking up one morning I was looking into a response to it, a vision of a life in which fear of how I was defined in the eyes of others and then fear of the experience in myself as so defined was a dominant condition that I had accepted and allowed.

Approaching things like this in reaction, such as OMG, this is terrible, I am so messed up would be creating out of the discovery of some mechanism that I’d installed as a part of me, a whole dramatic production; fears can be persistent and so much integrated into everyday experience, that bumping into them can just be part of life, just part of the experience I recognize as me, and it can be a bit of a shock to notice them, and from there to see the same reactions everywhere, how often that I have engaged with them, and then to see how much they’ve actually shaped my life, and then to see what might be done to change this shaping that I have accepted and allowed.

And yet also I find dramatic terms quite supportive in my writing, spelling it out large, it helps me see into the details of the construct, or the emotional design,for example, in paranoiac moments: like in glancing shadows that flit across my mind: seeing in people’s faces, that they’ve changed their mind, regarding me, that they’ve found out something that I’ve said or done, or with people that I believe that I’ve offended in some way, going then behind my back, consciously or unconsciously talking shit about me, to influence in a negative way how people see me and so define me: these are instances in which a fear of how I am defined within the eyes of others, and fear of my own experience in accepting and allowing me to be thus defined, has gradually evolved and elaborated, into for example, reacting to or despising gossip, and then garnering a sort of righteousness from that position.

How such elaborations can eventually create a paranoid reality and form a quiet inner nightmare of a life, seemed clear to me that morning that I mentioned, recently, as I woke up, as if lying comfortable and flat upon the sand, where the sea had drawn away, and what I saw, as I looked sideways across the beach were instances of my life as memories, examples of myself as people meeting on the sand, and in each and every meeting, the foremost questions in my mind were centered on this point of how was I defined by others, and fear of what my experience would therefore be, and as I looked from scene to scene I saw these repeated moments of anxiety or concern, in checking on my current status, and wondering how I stood. What I saw was how much in my inner life this fear had become a personal compass.

And from where I lay comfortable and relaxed, it seemed like a big relief, that all of that was in the past. And so a new question came up in me: Who am I in seeing this for the first time, I do not know this part of me, calm enough within myself to see these points about my life. And as I began my day, I lived a sort of clarity that was new to me. Thanks to what I have absorbed through hearing Marduk’s update on the history and purpose of sleep, and through that, deliberately for the first time resting in myself, the nature of my rest has changed; I have been dreaming more, I have woken with a sense of rejuvenation in my body. And what I realized was, that it wasn’t true – that all of it was in the past – it was like through truly resting in myself in the trust of sleep, I had given me a break in which to see what I was habitually doing in my meetings up with people.

For example, I have a plan to do something and as I look through the steps involved, a ‘snag’ turns up, that would seem to make the plan impossible: or to add a trouble or a difficulty to it, such as asking someone for something, or seeking for assistance: why so difficult, because I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid this fear, that lays disguised within the ‘snag’, even at the cost of giving up on my plan, and then within this pattern I find a way to justify not doing it, finding that I could easily do it later, that it wasn’t important, or find a feeling that confirms that I did not really want to do it in the first place, coming at myself with after the fact type of self manipulations as a salve to bring me back into a compromised okayness.

As shown in Quantum Mind Self Awareness 121 -The fear that what you fear may possibly and probably be right – is a distinct fear: it becomes more intense when you start to actually move and start to take the action that the original fear is undermining, rising up as you approach the door that opens into action and physical reality. Is there a little tempting righteous feeling to be had within listening to this fear: that I am right… a little certainty that if I take this action then I will cause the thing I fear to happen, and then where will I be, having ventured into my own betrayal of myself in spite of my predictions, what I knew for sure within my righteousness, that moving me would lead me to a bad experience. Such dialogue and reasoning are like dramatic bindings that keep one in and as the energy of the mind, and bound into a life experience that is not real.

Something that I see here in this pre-programmed fear that what you fear may possibly and probably be right, together with the belief that it will come about, unless heeded, unless kept secret, or else suppressed – plays an insidious role in even the simple act of asking questions, where asking a question has the potential of opening things up, exposing things, of clarifying a situation, of deepening and expanding one’s awareness – it also through this pre-programming gains a risky quality; that the question itself might trigger and release this fear to manifest in reality – so that within the belief that I might cause my fear to manifest in asking a question plays a role here in me opening this fear up and writing about it – with backchat such as this: What will people think of me if I expose this underlying fear, and how will I then experience myself through this?

Looking at this question I see how loyal I have been within an agreement that I must have made at some time in my life, that I must always automatically accept/believe projected judgements, backchats, and so experience them as well, where accepting and allowing myself to be swept up in the drama of my mind, I have acted so as to avoid such things, so as not to face the fear of this experience.

Opening further this fear of being defined, I look into the nature of fearing causing reactions – where in the nature of emotional reactions, one points the finger, starts into a vicious definition of another being, on a personal level. So looking into that I ask myself about the origins of that fear in my life.

An excursion into my past: moments in which I have believed that I am responsible for causing reactions, that for example, because I’ve done/not done something at school, my teacher has gone into reaction of anger and then into personal mockery: looking at that belief that I am responsible for causing this emotion, I see and understand how I created in myself a fear of causing reactions, as well with other teachers in this school having idiosyncrasies, the actual real cause of their reactions was like an unknown factor, they were unpredictable; but that I was part of it, that it was something personal, something I was doing, that was clear.

What wasn’t clear at all was how to not be causing these reactions: if the cause was in my very nature, it seemed as if there was nothing I could do about it, and then believing that, I was disempowered. I mean: You-Can’t-Change-Human-Nature is one of those root assumptions for building a reality: from the inherited, genetic, or pre-programmed legacy, whatever, the That’s-the-Way-God-Made-Me program: I had not questioned that.

Instead, I felt that me causing these reactions was evidence that I was in my being deeply wrong or bad, and I judged myself in that, in righteousness I stepped away from me and harboured guilt into my being, guilt for being me. From personal attacks coming out of the emotional reactions of my teachers, and eventually of my peers as well, from frequently being used as an example to the others of how not to be, and from my own guilt and judgement of myself, I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the consensus of the immediate world around me: I became quiet and careful and sparing with my words, if I found an opportunity to not be present in a class, then I took it. The practicality of having education shrank into a very minor point in my everyday emotional drama. In fact gradually I found sneaky ways and means to not be present in the school at all, and so avoid these issues.

But staying with the point: the origins of that fear: just how far back to go? Through writing out these points I get an understanding of this fear, as well the simple fear of asking questions, and yet the environment of school is long time past, the environment of lostness in my lack of understanding of myself is also past. Just like Marduk’s update on the processes of Sleep, I need to update my own processes of being awake, remove these old designs that clutter my awakeness. Such as with these ‘snags’ that come up in my plans and my creations: to take them as they come, and recognize the fear that is within them, and name that fear, and so give myself the means with which to deal with it, so that I do not shape my life with instances of stopping, giving up on plans, and getting stuck in patterns in myself, but instead, allow myself to move.

 

 

 

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Day 438: Righteous Comfort Zones

•May 13, 2018 • Leave a Comment

In Bursting your Bubble of Comfort, ( Future of Consciousness series, Eqafe), Veno responds to the question: What could be preventing us from the commitment, the consistency, the dedication to change?

So through my own processes and through also listening to what he has to say, I come to a question in myself: What is actually my relationship to the word Change? That means also implicit in this question: How have I defined the word Change, in what ways might I clear this word for me, and then redefine it, live it? What is there in this word as I have absorbed it into me and so lived it that has brought me into a relationship of making-do with it, or wanting to overcome it, or force it in some way: is there some reaction that is embedded into it I have not noticed, some problem or other, some belief installed within it, or some deep objection?

Well, no, in fact, none or little of the above: when I look at the word Change on its own and how it is for me, I find that it remains quite clear and simple: the complications come with the application of this word to the phenomenon of me. Changing me. Changing me comes as a challenge to a position that I am holding to, into which I have defined myself. So in a way, this possibility of redefining Change comes as a bit of a distraction, or even a form of blame, with a touch of hope thrown in, that if I could find some problem with the word itself, and then clear that, then I might in turn be able to more easily commit myself to change.

Nice try, as they say. But in myself I know that it is what my existing commitment is already fastened into and merged with that I recognize within myself as me, that is what I need to differentiate, to loosen up and let go of, and so to redefine and change. That state of mergence is kind of nebulous: actually seeing that – is a start for me – like walking in a fog, one realizes that this is fog: big difference. What is for example now the nature of this fog?

As explored in recent posts, that righteous personality configuration in my mind that through years of turning to, or living as, I have naturalized: seeing it, and sensing it, like vaguely making out its outline is continuously a humbling experience. That difference between the question: “Am I Right?” and the question: “Can I honestly or truly trust in this perception of how I see the way things are?” opens up, let’s say, a new dimension, in me. And what I often see is how I have invested in the feelings of being ‘right’, and have come within myself to depend upon them, as a positive experience of being ‘me’, like invested in this positive feeling experience, you could call that ‘ego’, where I would tend to be defensive of this experience that I generate in feelings.

Obviously to me, at times, this definition of myself has no reality – I mean there is no reference to the outer world: I am in a comfort zone as a conjunction in my mind of a construct of being ‘right’ and some positive energy experience that I generate within me. So here in answer to my question where first I looked at ‘making-do-with’ in my relationship to the word Change, what I see is the nature of my commitment to this comfort zone, that having accepted and allowed this commitment, then also I accept this making-do-with ‘change’, as if ‘change’ was difficult within itself. Points of self manipulation such as this abound within this character, concerted organized and interdependent; they are what make up together as a whole, a projection of reality.

Examples of actual changes that I’ve made in the light of all of this – not changing ‘me’ in a global sense, but changes that I’ve made in support of me seeing and realizing what it is I am actually doing – have been in actions stemming from being more critical of my activities within the obvious comfort zones, of system ‘entertainment’, what is actually going on inside me of when I turn to watching films: looking at how much for example I am responding to my definition of comfort in relation to the experience of righteousness, that I am right within my knowing of this genre or that genre, or my opinion of this information, or in my perceptions of this brainwashing, this advertising, this slanting of the news, and seeing that this experience of myself is what I am seeking, seeing it as as a stepping-out or as a kind of ‘break’, I simply do not take this option, these are actual actions in support of change; because I see and realise that this is less a stepping-out than it is a stepping-in to those familiar energy resources that I have become accustomed to within me.

The question what is going on within me when I turn to on-tap entertainments of this kind is often that I’ve reached a point of exasperation in a way, and within that exasperation I have strayed into a negative experience of myself, that I am lost or overwhelmed, that it’s all too much, and judgements of myself are creeping in, that is, within and as my mind I have already started to respond to my internal entertainment systems, in which I am reacting to negative experience of me, and seeking out the positive polarity.

Continuing next post…

 

 

 

 

 

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Day 437: Righteous Spite

•May 8, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Day 437: Righteous Spite

…continuing from previous post, Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

… here deconstructing more the mind domain of Righteousness:

I commit myself to change my relationship to backchat, such as the relationship in which I become a character of being far too busy in my mind to pay attention to these reflections, which are evolutions in a way, of points in me that I have denied as being a part of me, and so have relegated to suppression, in which far from opening awareness in me, instead, I have further buried parts of me, those parts I have judged as bad or wrong or unacceptable to me. That backchat function of my mind has become a sort of fishing expedition, testing word formations to find what elicits a reaction, and the hooks that work are developed and evolved, become more specified, and become more pointed.

In saying Fuck Off to persistent backchats: what is going on? In this scenario, and I use this word ‘scenario’, because it is like a scene of inner theatre, a projection of myself as if upon a stage, speaking to an echo of a part of me, believing in a false reality in which I am expressing spite towards a reflection of myself – in exasperation – as if losing patience with a nuisance of some kind.

I am saying Fuck Off to a nuisance part of me. Looking at this sentence I start off in attack and end up in that realization of being attacked, in those last two words when I realise and take on board my wholeness here, that all of it is parts of me – what is the feeling in me when I realise and understand that I am both the attacker and the target of my spite? Kind of gutted really. It is like a moment of experience of wholeness, but kind of inconvenient to my righteousness. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the authority of separation in my mind, through which a sense of wholeness in me has become an inconvenience to me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or appreciate how the mind is supportive in a way, by with backchat challenging this false authority.

In the scenario, the false reality, I actually want that part of me the backchat represents to be separate from me, to be as the villain of the piece, and as righteousness I assume the power to quell these nuisance backchats, and so I use Fuck-Off almost as a magic formula of suppression. I am not listening to you, go away, stop bothering me. Here within my righteousness reaction is that connection and assumption of ideas of strength and power, superiority, authority. And yet within and as this righteousness I do not see that I have actually taken the bait, have shifted into the role of having the rights of expressing spite that I’ve connected with authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in my early experiences of figures of authority wielding spite as part of their authority to have accepted and absorbed that spite as part of that authority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am right in my interpretations that characters of superiority that resonate intensity are actually resonating spite. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that authority comes with the rights to be abusive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being spiteful when I am trying to defend an image of myself as authority. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that if I need to defend my own authority, that it can’t be real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from realising that my authority is not real by lashing out at me within my mind and lashing out at others. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how my backchat has personified my own spitefulness that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilise in protection of my self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in right and wrong as absolutes – even though I have accepted and allowed myself to see and realise and understand that right and wrong come from a starting point that is not in physical reality – I forgive myself that I have not rooted out the programming of this polarity from out of me, and let it go, but have instead allowed a righteous character to continue to exist within me, and for myself to embody righteousness, within my own relationships to me, and to allow myself to exist within and as these programs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect authority to righteousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge righteousness in other people, while not recognizing it in myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge righteousness itself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how in the act of judgement I am in a stance of righteousness, that I am embodying righteousness in judging me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in my endeavors to forgive myself for the judgements that I have made of me and of others, and for my proclivity of judgement, that I have not forgiven the righteousness that I have assumed in making judgements.

In judging righteousness: I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see the righteousness within me, as the starting point of judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody righteousness to such an extent that I am unable to see it, but only seen the consequence of this in the harm that my own judgements have done to my acceptance of myself, and the damage that I’ve done to relationships in my life.

I forgive myself that I have connected authority with righteousness and then lived out that connection, and then not seen or realized that in my inner world my own authority as me is connected also into righteousness and thence into either making judgements of myself or parts of me, or else into judging others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this righteous programming to interfere with and become a part of my perceptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that ‘I am right’ to be a reference to an idea in my mind authority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live authority in this way. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realise that my authority as me cannot be real while I am divided in myself as the polarity between superiority as righteousness and the judgements of my faults and weaknesses. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my righteousness authority as a point of strength, not seeing how strength defined like this cannot be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my perceptions of movements of energy accumulations in my mind as having authority, as being more than me, as being more than I can direct: I forgive myself in relation to this to have strengthened my belief in weakness as who I am, as a being kind of at the mercy of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a character of giving up from out of this relationship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attribute my own definitions of authority to the energy accumulations within my mind, and then to fear that authority. In this game, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed a character of giving up, accepting the belief that I am weak, and justifying my weakness, or else to feed the character of righteousness in which I am lashing out at parts of me that seem to threaten my self image. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how this perception in my mind of authority as righteousness is supporting the belief in me that ‘I am weak’.

 

On the process of fear of authority: a very supportive Life Review has been published recently in Eqafe: What Your Mind Doesn’t Want You to Know about Fear of Authority.

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Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

•May 4, 2018 • Leave a Comment

 

Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

Belief in weakness as the reality of my inner nature rather than seeing and realizing that its starting point is an emotional perception only, functioning as a component of a design of consciousness for the purpose of containment of the living being. In the fifth part of their walk through of this design, the Atlanteans ask the question: Why would we be doing this to ourselves?

These points follow for me from the points made in the previous post, about the belief in weakness as the point of giving up amid reactions towards the energy accumulation in the mind, where these apparent ‘forces’ are derived from my own deliberate designs or simulations of strength within and as what has gradually become a righteousness foundation, my resource of feelings from the comfort zone of a personality of giving up.

Disturbing this, I realise how much of the nitty-gritty workings of this personality is merged into the comfort zone. Recently in some quite tough moments of support, it was pointed out to me some spitefulness in me that was coming from my defences of my righteousness within the claimed boundaries of ‘my’ space. Rather than just dismissing such support, trusting the perceptions that were shared with me, I chose instead to take it seriously and investigate. Something that I noticed immediately in this investigation process was how much questions from a starting point of defending a self definition actually led to nowhere, whereas my experience within asking the disturbing, stirring, provocative, tough questions, although kind of gruesome were also kind of knocking on a door to something new and real and vital in me.

So looking at the experience itself of the stance of being ‘completely and absolutely right’, and asking: What are actually the comforts that I have accepted and allowed within that? Here I realise that ‘comfort-zone’ has not really been of much use to me, within the field of my introspections, in the sense of remaining for me like a psychological technicality, describing something that exists, and yet without the life of me within it, or only a version of a me that is a specimen of kinds, acknowledging that yes I do indulge in such a way, and yet there are arrays of backdoors and conditions, where I have defined the word of comfort-zone so as not to be inclusive of my actual experience within it. As a psychological technicality I have accepted the term in a non-specific de-personalized form, ready for an idea in my mind of general scientific use.

And for this word, Use, as well, what does it imply within the personal science of me? Does ‘use’ include the movement or direction of self support? Or is Use as well deprived of purpose in the sphere of Life? Is it really and in fact Support for me to be making references to Comfort-Zone and Use when really by the way I have defined these words, there comes no shake-up, I manage things so as not to shake myself into being awake. I have set things up so there comes no question that can impinge on me.

What are the comforts of being ‘completely and absolutely right’, what are the feelings that I give myself from this? In saying to myself, yes, I am absolutely completely right, there is a feeling of strength, of firmness, within my mind, within a perception of being right I have created in my mind a stand, or stance, and to the extent of how much I have identified myself with all of these perceptions of being absolutely completely right about so many things, I see now how I have accepted and allowed a mind possession.

A ‘Mind Possession’: here, another term, somewhat clinical. If I were to define ‘mind possession’ as where I have accepted and allowed myself to live, as my home, the place where I get such feelings as ‘belonging’, a place within my life in which there is no doubt, a place within my life in which there is the experience for me of self acceptance, where I have literally merged a part of me into a group of judgements and become them, become indistinguishable from them, to myself, and derived experience of them as myself as my personal normality, then yes, both ‘comfort-zone’ and ‘mind possession’ begin to take on more tangibility, more meaning, and more accessibility. The inquiries into how and why originally in this life I felt the need to create a resource of such feelings as belonging, if not concluded here, are now open, the same with questions as to what and how could ‘home’ exist for me in any real sense, while the question within that is how does ‘home’ exist for me within myself?

Ok so notes along the way, along the journey: Just allowing me to be asking questions of myself about such things has shaken the illusion, because the illusion rests upon apparent unquestionability, that is in a way how it can contain, how it can remain unnoticed.

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Day 435: Ancient Footprints

•May 1, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Day 435: Ancient Footprints

 

Looking at relationship to mind – to pre-programming – I realise how I have invested into this word – a fear reaction – with preprogramming as a background of the mind – and with the prospect of a journey into it – I am having some reluctance – that familiar reluctance – as an awareness of some implicit snag. And with the word Invested coming up of Fear into the word of Preprogramming a question comes up of: What have I got to lose in my intention to forgive my preprogramming that is present in the background of my life? Is it that I was invested in a definition of myself as innocent in ‘having been’ preprogrammed, that my blaming the creators was therefore righteous, and that what I had to lose was this righteousness? This implies that what existed was a form of coziness around the issue of preprogramming, as if there were a backdoor of some kind that could be justified.

In preprogramming, the Word, in my imagination what I see is an image of a dimensional conveyor belt – a sort of retro-science-fiction/fact scenario – of Heaven as it was, recycling beings, repeating lives on Earth for the purposes of Heaven’s energy requirements – something – done unto – beings and families of soul group generations – where an individual pops up from time to time on Earth in some family or another, with limited awareness of the situation – with no awareness of a preprogrammed life design, or of a cosmic history. And though this has been so, in the past, as I understand it, it is not happening any more, and so what remains is a legacy of the ripple effect of past preprogramming as it comes, through the generations, through the parents, through the family history, through that atmosphere I breathed in daily in my childhood, in a way, like those given and accepted fundamentals in my life that became the very nature of my conception of existence that I took to be reality. And yet if I remove the blame I have to recognize that all of it was me: I have been treading in and so following my ancient footprints for what seems like an eternity.

For an exhilarating insight into the depth of history of our being and our relationships to energy, and within those relationships, our personal definitions of energy, I recommend the recent recording from Anu: How Do I Create Energy (part 2).

Also: a point that came up during this recording, that stuck out for me was this:

“When is your mind at its weakest? When you are actually in an emotional state, because there it’s bringing in all its energy charge that it’s got in a point.

So when you’re reacting in a moment, that’s when you should change: because that’s when the mind is going full force bringing out all the, let’s call its militant force, up, and if you stand like an absolute unexpected whirlwind of a tornado that just rips through the army of the mind, because you stand as a point of change, right there and then, it discharges all the energy of the point in that immediate moment, and you change.

Meanwhile everyone consciously thinks, like, if you are in a reaction you are actually at your weakest. No, that’s what your mind wants to make you think, but you’re at your strongest, that’s where you should change. It only feels difficult because your mind made you believe that you are weak. Stop believing it!”  From: How Do I Create Energy Part2

How we create an emotional energy within and around the word Weak inside our minds is explored and opened up by the Atlanteans (Part 137), and how through that, creating the belief of one being weak in relation to facing a point within the mind, or facing a challenge within your life and living experience. In this recording the Atlanteans open up the question: How does consciousness or the mind benefit through one’s acceptance and allowance of such a self belief, or such an emotional experience of being weak or weakened?

“Here in this polarity between strength and weakness in the mind it … takes the strength force in relation to the thought pattern that you’re facing, makes you believe that that strength or that force of that thought pattern is too overwhelming, is much more, is much bigger, more extensive than yourself, then the other dimension or polarity, your self very easily aligns and merges with the force or emotional energy of and as weakness, feeling weak, experiencing yourself to be weak… And in that relationship the mind thus contains you in the two primary points where we tend to fall when it comes to energy. The one, where we find it challenging to stop participation, and the other, where we very easily believe ourselves to be energy, and that to be all that we are and what we are within ourselves.” From Weakness: I am Weak.

Some Self Forgiveness statements on the self belief that I am weak:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak, and to have accepted and allowed this belief as part of the nature of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this self belief for so long and so frequently that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a signature and resonance of me around it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself within and as this pattern. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief in who I am as weak, as part of the nature of me to become a point that constantly comes up in me, in the midst of many a reaction that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that this is because this belief exists within my very relationship to energy. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realise and understand that I can stop and change my relationship to energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my perception of an energy pattern within me as being more than me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with an energy within me and then found myself in this comparison, to be less than it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief that I am weak to play a part when and as I find myself in many reactions and many kinds of energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate for example in a reaction of anger and then have accepted and allowed myself to be swept away within it because I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this belief that I am weak, that I am less than this reaction, that I cannot stand, in this moment, that I cannot simply stand and redirect this energy and change, but instead must simply let it play out. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that this pattern which I go into and get swept away into reaction depends upon my belief in weakness as who I am, that in being weak, I cannot change this pattern that I am in, when and as this pattern is unfolding. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief in weakness to become a part of me, to become a part of my normality of me, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am weak as part of my normality that I recognize as me, and that within and as that belief, that I cannot change my normality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief in weakness as a trigger point in giving up on me in the midst of a reaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed giving up on me in the midst of a reaction as a part of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am weak that I cannot change a pattern that I am participating in. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in going into giving up on me in the midst of a reaction to not see or realise the trigger of my belief in who I am as weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this belief in who I am as weak as a judgement on myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief in who I am as weak to be hidden in my experience of judgement, to be hidden in the experience of being down on me because of who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being weak, and for not allowing myself to see that I am judging me because of this belief that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my belief that I am weak through my acceptance and allowance of a judgement of myself for being weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the shame that I have created in myself around this point of being weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look at this belief that I am weak, because I believe that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself around this point of believing that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create comfort zones around accepting the belief that I am weak, that in being weak, therefore I do not have to try, do not have to make an effort, do not have to push myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make an effort to push myself and make a stand within this programming for fear of discovering within my efforts that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that once that I have gone into a reaction, that it’s too late for me to change, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me still further in the midst of a reaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself between a part of me that I have made strong with a part of me that I have made weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must wait for the energy to subside until I can collect myself and then forgive myself, rather than simply standing in that moment and saying no to the energy that is moving me, and redirecting it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak and within that to create a point of disempowerment in relationship to the energies that move within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility for my own energy within me with my acceptance and allowance of this belief that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse my lack of presence as my awareness as myself within this program in my mind with a perception of weakness.

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 434: A Simple Loophole in the Plan of Consciousness

•April 16, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Sharing here first a couple of extracts from the recordings, and then some openings that subsequently came to me unfolding self forgiveness statements after listening to two recent Eqafe Life Reviews: Consciousness Shift and the Death of the Physical, and Programming and the Physical.

These recordings come through the Portal spoken by a being recently passed over – a being that had during his time on Earth a super evolved consciousness – now shares with us how drastically the physical reality had been missed: through how he had defined his body, through how the words through which he’d made these definitions had upheld through his life his separation from himself and so from direct relationship to physical reality.

“The point that I am making throughout this entire recording is that there is no programming, no relationship that is interfering so much with your relationship with your physical body with real-time moments – with what is real in a moment as an experience within yourself. The only programming that’s interfered with anyone having a relationship with their physical bodies… are the bad the ugly the nasty thoughts and inner experiences and emotions that you have with your relationship with your body and this physical existence…

“…Surely, the Creators of existence didn’t want beings to have relationship with the physical bodies, because the physical bodies being the source, the life source of consciousness, of the mind, didn’t want an equal and one relationship between the being and the physical body, because if that equality and oneness would merge there would be a power surge that would happen on very deep levels within the being/body relationship and the power would therefore go essentially go to the beingness and the body, and that’s not what the creators wanted. They wanted power to go to the Mind Consciousness System. So they, rather than in any way creating relationships between the being and the body, instead, they further evolved the Mind Consciousness System: they were afraid that if they even programmed relationships between the being and the body, that those relationships could be altered and changed by the body itself or by the beingness itself on some deep level. They just instead created – no relationships – and just ensured absolute separation between the being and the body, by evolving the Mind Consciousness System. So what this means: you’ve actually got direct access to a relationship with your physical body, direct access. But what is overcomplicating it is your relationship with your Mind Consciousness System – is not even allowing you to see it. “

“…So the more difficult you are finding it to be more aware and present with your breathing, with your body, the substance and the feel of the physical, really resting in the evening, being able to have a pace in which you live in your everyday life moments – it’s simply a cross-reference of the extent to which you are still channeled into a relationship with your Mind Consciousness System.”

(Extracts from Programming and the Physical.)

When I asked myself: What is my relationship to my body? These words, ‘It’s a sack of shit’, came into my awareness:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed this thought to exist within me, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed this thought to define my relationship with my body, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this separation to exist, to interfere with my access to a direct relationship with my physical body. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a relationship to my mind within this thought, that I have chosen an interpretation of disgust, an experience from a programmed judgement and a posture of superiority, I forgive myself that I have chosen and accepted a programmed version of reality instead of a relationship to my physical body. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content with an emotional relationship about my physical body in place of a relationship that is direct and real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this definition of ‘a sack of shit’ to exist within me. I forgive myself that having accepted and allowed this definition of my body, that I have then accepted and allowed myself to use the body as a sack of shit, allowing it to be constantly overwhelmed by all the shit that I am busy thinking in my mind and all the excitement and conflict of emotion that I generate through that thinking that I then accept and allow myself to suppress and hide within it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a bullshit answer from some thought within my mind to a question I have asked myself that is genuine and real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in consequence to listening to this backchat of my mind that I have accepted and allowed the experience of giving up on asking further: believing in this ‘sack of shit’ response I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I might find. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed reluctance in myself to look at how I’ve used the physical as a dumping ground of secret shit. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question this. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as an organ of suppression for the convenience of who I am as channeled through the programs of my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the body for not being good enough to suit my expectations as and in my mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the body that it cannot meet the extent of my intentions as and in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a background normality in my relationship to the body of blame and irritation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a normality for me in my relationship to the physical world of my body in which I am separated from it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own assumed superiority as the mind towards the body, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to respect the body as my vehicle, or as my slave, or as my property, and yet not respect or consider my body as a life, a living world, the source of life that gives to me this physical existence. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider that in walking out of consciousness there is nowhere else to turn to but to the source of life within me.

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life