Day 394: A Quantum Systemization of Work Experience

•June 7, 2017 • Leave a Comment

 

 

Day 394: A Quantum Systemization of Work Experience

 

Seeing an emotional experience for what it is can be tricky when it has become established into and as your world, relived every day, over and over.

There is a waking-up type of moment within seeing that. And in seeing and understanding it, there is the opening of solution.

A specific emotional experience, a Quantum Systemization, is discussed here,  a relationship to work, in ‘Work, Work, Work‘, in which under the pressures of working life, kind of overwhelmed with dreariness, we start to live such backchats as: What’s the point, where’s this going, am I of any worth or value here, why am I doing this, I am just a robot… where the experience of ourselves within this backchat becomes like an experience of being forced to do things, of being dead inside, going nowhere, feeling like nothing. And then within the emotional world provided by the structures of the backchat, there comes up irritation, touchiness, and blaming people, and a desire to get away from here.

 

Listening to this recording I recognized myself very much within and as the turmoil of this specific emotional experience, and something that I realized also was how I had then defined this experience into the word Obligation, yet another way that I had made the word Obligation into a negative experience: and so something to be avoided, the negative experience being as the outcome of these backchats, and the fear of this experience inside of me of deadness, where what I was showing myself was the simple fact of how I’d lost touch with me in all of this, where I had chosen to go into an emotional experience of this lostness, of this slavery, of this resentment, rather than to see how I had not defined for me my own responsibility in doing what I am doing, that would make the obligation a simple extension, natural, flowing, enthusiastic, rather than seemingly imposed on me, seemingly hostile, alien to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of deadness in me, and for believing that this is a perception of something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this feeling is showing me that I have somehow lost touch with myself within what I am doing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I have accepted and allowed within me of who I am as dead within my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this experience to exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get away from this experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automate a fear within me in support of my avoidance of this experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that if I am to live as the avoidance of my own experience then I must accept the fear I have as part of it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to systemize these self-dishonesties, in which avoiding who I am, I have walked into an experience of being lost, of being as dead inside, and then lived as my reaction to it.

 

 

 

 

 

Practical in I MATTER:

Sounding the words I Matter and getting a reference of where you are at with you

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 393: Coming to Earth, Investigating Matter

•June 6, 2017 • Leave a Comment

 

Coming to Earth, Investigating Matter: I put it that way, because it seems such a primary task, such a fundamental point, where looking at this word Matter, with it’s different levels of meaning, is reminding us of the multidimensional, existing quietly within us in a seeming of incongruity in meanings, and reminding us as well of how we are accepting of divisions and contradictions in our wholeness. And so ‘Coming to Earth’ written here as a structural support for me to simplify within myself, to clarify, to show myself the common sense in this. This is part of how do I support myself in fundamental change, in stepping into the nothingness projected by my mind.  An Eqafe reference here: discussion of structure: Quantum Systemization: Freedom within Control

 

It’s a challenge to our awareness to look into how it is that the exact same word Matter could be used in the ways of what matters to us, what the matter is, and the matter of matter itself. We can have fun and games with the nature of our language, and we can also look into the word and ask that maybe there is something that I missed in here, comfortable and all with these partitions, because there is so much more to this, because who I am in Matter, where I would align what matters, is at core, is in the core of me, in the very purpose of my present action out of what is mattering now to me in that I’m doing this, and then what matter comes from that, what matter in the world accumulates from that, all of this relationship as one, as reflected in the word, what it is that I create in actions, and in reactions, and for all of us what has throughout our generations, and our incarnations, created the world.

 

How for I to integrate with MATTER and to form a new word, and then to live that word? What would be involved? The Atlanteans series now opens up support and process on this, in Practically Defining I Matter.

 

 

Practical in I MATTER:

Sounding the words I Matter and getting a reference of where you are at with you

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 392: Experiment, Reverberation and I MATTER

•June 3, 2017 • Leave a Comment

 

Day 392: Experiment, Reverberation and I MATTER

 

An Experiment: Becoming in breath reflective, alone, quiet, settled, ready to sound a word, a practical experiment, for the purpose of observation of effects, seeing what reverberations may come up, or memory, imagination, or emotional energy or feeling or whatever has become connected to or gathered round a specific word, or even come to dominate that word: simple steps of introspection and writing. By writing, what I mean is simply that process of transfer of what I find going on inside me in this introspection, into the physical environment of written words, where they stand stable in time and space, rather than as ephemera in my mind.

 

It is through this process writing out of me, that I move myself from the experience of me as a current aspect of a pattern of words, to a seeing and understanding of the wider picture of the pattern itself, or a sentence I’ve been living. This is how this writing process is expansive because I move myself towards equality with the patterns I have lived, and so come to embrace them, and so give back to me the ability to direct and redirect these ways of being that I have lived.

 

The word Experiment: It was through the word Experiment that I first supported and allowed myself to try the tool of Self Forgiveness, to simply check it out for me: the word Experiment supported me in that I required certain clinical conditions and detachment in what I was about to do; it was supportive in the sense that I was comfortable with the word, and designing an experiment for me was something I felt naturally equal to. Though I did not realise it clearly at the time, I was daring to stand as self responsibility, that it was this in my application of Self Forgiveness that was the essential part of it, and in a way it was this that I was checking out, and in a way as well, in retrospect, it was a door I had just walked through hardly noticing it, not seeing the full significance of this decision, of standing up deliberately from the structures of my mind.   

  

With Experiment, and sounding I MATTER, something that came up for me was a point of Matter in relationships, in which I am kind of horrified to see the way that I have used this point of Matter in my life: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing me as is in how I’ve dealt with, managed, coped with points generated by I don’t matter to you/ you don’t matter to me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than seeing these points as they arise and questioning with myself who I am within these words in this moment, instead I have used this mattering to justify a walk away from.

 

That sense of horror seeing this as is of me comes from seeing in another being what I have not allowed myself to see as my experience of myself, and instead allowing myself to feel the full extent of that in this projection and imagination of how it must have been for them, what I was putting onto them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this part of me that has stood within and as and for such strategies, for and as the purpose of suppressing this emotion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear at experiencing the emotion that I accepted and allowed as part of my acceptance of being defined by others as not mattering. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself an experience of diminishment and uselessness within not mattering in the eyes of others, disempowered within a negative experience of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to exert such a state of being onto another person, as in taking a stand of grandiosity and competitive power, so as to serve a comfort zone of isolation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this conflict to exist within me as a fear of my own experience of me when I meet another person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that these points are present in the background of my mind when I meet with people. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define incidental as being other to, excluded from the matter. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the matter of meeting with another being that happens unpredictably, such as in the street, as being ‘incidental’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be participating in a projection of the other being as them defining their meeting with me as ‘incidental’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in justifications and reasonings to support and verify this ‘incidental’ frame upon this meeting, on these words, on this communication. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these points as a dissonance within me as an insecurity in who I am in relation to the words I MATTER.

 

Who I am in that moment in the physical in meeting people, something general, when the paths cross or go together for a while, and there is face to face, and words exchanged, and so much more expressed and shared, in which the realization and awareness of ‘another life being here’ comes up and yet that thought itself seems too dazzling, too magnificent to approach, to practically broach in words, seems too wide somehow to embrace, to find a common ground for that. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge this thought with the light of spiritual energy, and so separate myself from me and from the real person that is here with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through this to participate in excitement ‘about’ reality, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to blabber thoughts without consideration, without connection to what is here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a hope within this energy that something telepathic may be happening – despite the words.

 

In that ‘something general’ I was looking at in relation to me in meetings, I realized it was like generally some time later that I would come to really go through all the things that I was reading in real time in the meeting: it was not that I was not observing what was happening, but that I was suspended in some kind of way from my observations. It was through seeing this that I realized to what extent that I had not been fully present at the meetings, in many many meetings, so that this experience of delay became like a normalized aspect of my experience of me, a sort of general process of resettling in myself and looking at the memories, and seeing the stuff that I was seeing at the time, but not considering who I was within that delay, and that resettling; where both were showing me that I’d been distracted at the time, unaware of a reaction that was there.

 

I commit myself to learn to be really with myself with my breath and ground myself in meetings with people, where I learn to stand within and as the words I MATTER, in considerations of myself, and others as myself. I commit myself to release the dynamics and the conflict that I have accepted and allowed as definitions of myself with points generated by I don’t matter to you/ you don’t matter to me. I commit myself to release these points that I have accepted and allowed to undermine me.

 

 

 

Practical in I MATTER:

Sounding the words I Matter and getting a reference of where you are at with you

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 391: Calm and I Matter

•June 1, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Personal process. Writing from: How Calm is here.

Looking at the point of simply being in a quiet moment, with me: that moment in itself.

I mean that since I have to deliberately make this space that aligns with the words ‘simply being in a quiet moment with me’, how I live these words sets a starting point of who I am in ‘simply being in a ‘quiet’ ‘moment’ ‘with’ ’me’. Quiet and Moment I had opened up, and walked to some extent, and I had found that a quality of ‘with’ had changed in redefining Care; somehow I’d opened up for me a deeper self intimacy. It was only through this change that I could see how the old ‘with’ that I had previously lived had been conditional.

In recognizing the creative nature of being, in a world of real-time change, then what I’d want for me as for all, in recognizing and then equalizing with these words, is living access to this ‘simply being in a quiet moment with me’ moment of a life, as a part of every breath. And so to walk the practice of this, to clear the starting point again, to walk it eventually into every breath.

 

This point about an unseen conditionality of ‘with’ as it existed in my mind came up again for me, in a different light, in the latest in the Reptilian series on Eqafe. Listening to the recording of Anu’s recent spoken words – through the Portal – in Purpose Has Left the Building, continuing into I MATTER – listening, and hearing newly, the words in the question, “How do I matter to me?” I mean, writing here of how it was for me in hearing this: the question came across to me in a direct simplicity that previously I had not opened myself up to.

 

And so in hearing how these words could be, how they could exist for me, spoken directly, I saw also at the same time a perspective of how I had lodged objection and obstruction to my own simplicity of the question, and so within that how I had been unable to ask myself such a thing directly, kind of being within and as a character of objection around the relationship of who I am to I Matter, and so seeing for a moment ‘all of that’ accumulate into a consequence of having no access to this question in its simple form of words direct.

 

So here for me also a release in hearing these words expressed in clarity, and points about reception of words, and of discovering the personal interferences in reception of words. By ‘all of that’, I mean, all that would constitute this mattering to me, in terms of self worth, self recognition, self appreciation, self acceptance, self honoring, where ‘all of that’ would be where I’m at with me in all these specific points within me, that together form this familiar feel of me as what comes up in me in response to: How I Matter.

 

Practical in I MATTER:

Sounding the words I Matter and getting a reference of where you are at with you

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 390: Calm and Mind Control

•May 16, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Day 390: Calm and Mind Control

Continuing here to walk the word Calm, while at the same time in the context also of listening to and walking with the current Quantum Mind Self Awareness series Who I Am as Control.

 

Mind Control, as Mind Structure: in redefining words, for example in how a signature of hierarchy becomes attached to, or else submerged into our living of a word, where even through the generations such corruptions have remained unquestioned and so become ingrained. A structure of belief subverts the purpose of the word and spreads into the language, and in so doing, shapes and limits our perception of ourselves and of reality, to the point where hidden blame and open blame becomes established as the base religion of our programmed world, a world of disempowerment, where all we see becomes externalized and surfaced, as the confines of our surface consciousness. A view of the Matrix as the world of words we live in separation.

 

Personally here, for me working with the words that I have lived, it is a process in which gradually I am seeing through walking words the emotional nature of the reality from which I evolved the words that I’ve been living, as components of my mind, as compliant with the structures in those words, structures that I have accepted and allowed to be there existing in me and as part of me, and so as part of what I resonate, as part of how I define myself within decision in a moment, and so a part of what I did or did not do, as actions and behaviours in the world.

 

As I look now into how I’d had exist within me a version of Calm as a relative state, defined by boundaries of emotional experience, or as suppression of the awareness of the conflict, where what I had eventually accepted and allowed was a form of blame towards the inner tempest, such as in this moment described before in which in this part of the cycle of procrastination, the point of accumulated neglect of what is here becomes the last minute ‘rushing gale’ of time, sort of at the End of Time, with a ‘fateful’ tone, another layer of blame onto the awareness of my responsibility within the very cause of this, and within and as the very system of this, that within that system for this Calm to exist, to function with this system, it became defined in being braced against any sort of hurry in that moment. Looking into this specific example of how I have used Calm it shows me how there exists in this no essential reference to Calm, no connection through myself and into the essence of Calm, but only calm in this example as my interpretation of a balance energy functioning within and as procrastination that I have accepted and allowed to become established in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the word Calm to an experience that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to Hurry and within that word Hurry, to who I am as fear of loss of time, fear of loss of me in time that is not my own. And so I release Calm from this structure that I have accepted and allowed.

 

 

Continuing next post…

  

Some references to Eqafe interviews in support of walking for Self a redefinition of process of the word Calm:

 

https://eqafe.com/p/panic-attacks-become-calm-become-comfort-atlanteans-part-298

 

https://eqafe.com/p/panic-attacks-embodying-words-atlanteans-part-297

 

https://eqafe.com/p/the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-43

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 389: Defining Calm 2

•May 14, 2017 • Leave a Comment

 

Supporting people to see the principle of Self Creation: thanks Cerise for that simple grounding description of Desteni, and in respect to that I realized how I’d like to place a context for this blog in which I stand with this support, in which I share my learning process of supporting me and all as me in the recognition of that all of us have the same Mind Consciousness System though each of us has furnished differently.

 

So in sharing the example of me, in opening up these parts of me, and who I am and what I find within the very words that I’ve been living, I do not do this in any way as being specifically instructional in what I write but where I stand in sharing me is in the realization that my most direct learning experiences in reading personal process and listening to interviews of Desteni has been in recognizing within maybe a detail of what is being shared, that in my mind I see that too, as well, I am seeing something about the way I am within myself that I can’t deny, and that in seeing that within myself, I am empowered to make correction, to investigate this further, to use the tools of change.

 

To connect this post into the context of present time, in May 2017, I am writing this while the Control and Freedom series is being released by Eqafe, starting here.

 

So kind of in a way like under the umbrella of points that come up for me in support of me in exploration of how I am in Calm, there is a moment in which I am rustling through a pile of papers, having lost a document, while within me there is like a storm going on, a storm of rushing time, and I realise that here is an example of who I am within the consequence of procrastination, in which all of that begun, unfinished, unstarted, unresolved, incomplete and not brought through seems to storm around me: and I see myself within that storm as last minute doing the essentials. And yet what is Calm within that for me, but as an act of balance, an act of coping with the energy? And then the rain begins, let’s say, the rain of realisations of things forgotten, and in those moments I see within me that all of it comes down to me: even though all that I experience in this moment of the physical world is actually its quietness, its stability, its persistence, I see how I am standing within the reception of the quietness of the physical world as in denial, in separation from it believing that I cannot share this calm.

 

Explorations into Procrastination and Time

 

Sounding the word Pro-cras-tin-a-tion: that’s the extent of it, like a train it takes ages to arrive, it takes ages to say it, half way through the saying of it I even almost feel like a little break, playfully speaking, if not at some place in the middle, then at the end, after the entire system of all of it is fully sounded out; because throughout the clunky coming and arrival of it there has been many access step ups into weariness, and playful option links, and many a set of frames and windows, doors and carriages, and then from skimming along the platform edge, it comes to rest, and a pause of quietness settles on the platform, no wheels, no tracks, no underworld, just sliding doors and automation…

 

Already in allowing such a metaphor to unfold I show myself so many aspects of myself in how I am within and as procrastination, and yet the platform in the metaphor is quite simple in a way, it consists of how I have decided to be in relation to Time, where for Procrastination to get the green light, one of the things I do is set, believe, accept, allow a value of this Time.

 

Here is a point where I see how I have merged Me-Time – in a way like an installed control and reaction to a fear of loss of time in being ‘made’ to do things, a perception of Time being taken from me – all of this I have merged with Time itself, and within that I see how I have added into Time an alternative reality of emotion, with Me-Time sort of representing a construct/life mission/contract reaction statement of who I am merged into physical Time.

 

And within this I see how I have been in a state of desperation, grasping Time, as who I am in My-Life-Me-Time, and in Procrastination where this My-Life-Me-Time comes up, here is where the self manipulation starts where this desperate authority of fear of loss of me in time exerts itself with the go ahead of my allowance.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that in the crisis and rush to do things, get things done, that I am actually acting out this desperation, this grasping at time, while knowing well that this is the consequence of time that I have taken. I forgive myself that I have stood as acceptance of this me-time within and as the rush.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the fear of taking back authority from the desperation where I placed it, where I have accepted and allowed this fear of loss of Time as My-Life-Me-Time to define me, to control me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a comfort zone of this My-Life-Me-Time, because I see and realise that there is no real comfort here, but only constant holding on and holding off, under the illusion of having gained or won some moments.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this My-Life-Me-Time within a positive experience of energy within and as a construct of ownership and authority within my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined Life according to my mind, where in disregard of what Life is that I have amplified an idea of my own authority in relationship to it as being ruled by My, and the Me in me-time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live this me-time as in supplying me-time as positive energy experience, where what I see I can do instead is bring this care of with-me into my awareness at this trigger point of accepting and allowing the procrastination system, to not allow the energy of me-time as a point of self manipulation any more. So as and when this word Time comes up in the persuasions of procrastination, I treat it as a red flag I commit myself to release the interests of the energy, in me-time, and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be within and as that energy, from how I have defined myself in Time.

 

I commit myself to release the word Time as I have lived it from the experience of fear of loss and reactions founded on a belief that time was being taken from me, that unless I protected me from this, then Time would not be Mine, that then I would have no access to my life of ‘Freedom’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place limitations on the access to me according to this me-time construct in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this me-time construct exist as a righteous cause of conflict within the definitions of who I am within and as the word Obligation, where in seeing Obligation within the tasks in front of me, in the moments of procrastination, I focus on the ligatures of obligation and so again within the Obligation, I accept and allow the same manipulation within this defensive point of me-time from which I have looked upon responsibility as landed on me, as a constriction, or where I see within myself that my embrace of this responsibility is not complete, not unconditional in this moment, not real.

 

So here once again a red flag for the Me-Time as it comes up in seeing Obligation where I can instead be walking in the question of how can I extend myself as who I am and how I have decided to be in this responsibility, into the facts and actions of the obligation where who I am in this word Obligation is extension of myself in my responsibility, and who I am within and as responsibility is how I have defined this for me, that within accepting a responsibility that I still have access to myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Obligation in a negative energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this construct of me-time to exist as sabotage in living Obligation.

 

Continuing next post…

  

Some references to Eqafe interviews in support of walking for Self a redefinition of process of the word Calm:

 

https://eqafe.com/p/panic-attacks-become-calm-become-comfort-atlanteans-part-298

 

https://eqafe.com/p/panic-attacks-embodying-words-atlanteans-part-297

 

https://eqafe.com/p/the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-43

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 388: Defining Calm

•May 7, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Day 388: Defining Calm (1)

 

Here I continue in a way, with what comes up next for me, as I consider this word Calm and how it is within me, and how I am in it. Something I am seeing at the moment is how the word Constancy has been kind of present in me, maybe as a delegate in a way, of physical calm, I mean it comes up in me as I begin to look at Calm:  So not really an amble or a ramble, but respecting what is here, in this post, I go with Constancy.

 

What in Constancy? And Constant Sea, and Constant See. In looking at the word Constancy, a memory came up in me:  So here I share this memory and open it up, to look at some of it’s components.

 

When I was young I lived in a house that was just a few streets to walk down to get to the sea, so, very often on summer days, I was there. When the tide went out there was a beach of yellow sand, and walking on the sand towards the breaking waves seemed like a long walk, or else, having had enough of the delights of feet and toes in sand and sinking sand, I would break into a run to meet the sea, and run through the waters, the gentle waters of the low tide where I learned to dive in to it and to swim. Then sometimes when the tide was high my family would find a perch upon a bank of shingle where they would set up their camp with wind breakers and towels spread out and beach things: here I learned to play with the bigger waves as they came in. I would get close up and sink my feet into the gravel as it drained into the oncoming wave, and then as the wave enveloped me, I would raise my arms as the water came up to my chest, and then would lift me up and take my body and hurl it round and round like in a fizzy watery salty tumbling motion, and then lay me out again, upon the slope of beach, lying me on my back again upon the streaming slope of gravel bed, wiping the salt from my eyes, and listening to the crashing booms of the collapsing waves and the myriad of tinkling fizzing sounds of water streaming underneath my head and back and down my legs into the crushing of the fall of following waves. For me there was a sort of intimacy with the sea in that experience: in future times that memory would become more like a desire to experience again that relationship, and within that a fear of losing it, where the sparkle of the sea first sighted in the distance would become a trigger of a feeling of being reunited with something missed: a point in which it was like a checking in with who I am in this relationship, where there became a whole personal side to meeting once again, as it would become, as in a personal relationship, in my mind, the being, of the sea. Seeing the glimmer of the sea, I would let go of something in me, a release of longing, within this a sense of coming home to a truth of me, that here after all was the real point around which all else fuzzed into as distraction, like here I am walking on this edge of beach, checking in with reality. And what I would experience in such visits would be a transition from these feelings in my mind, to the physical realities of the sea, where none of that existed, and being there, I would simply walk, it was as if the wind would simply blow away that stuff, where thoughts like: ‘Here I am amongst the Elements’ had no purchase, but as a passing remark within my mind. Though later on within my memories I would let such thoughts attach. And I would look towards the city and see my life in all it’s ups and downs, as if they were contained within that tiny place, and I would ask myself why it was that I could not always remember that this huge event of sea meets land was always going on, was always just around a corner in my life, and yet somehow there was no time for it, that somehow within all of that, in a way, that I was missing my reality.

 

What can I draw from that? Looking at my projection from the beachhead to this confinement of a life with ups and downs, I see within that, that from here, I am looking at my own existence through a frame of regret. I realise that in a way I have been holding my breath or part of my breath, a sense of lasting out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for thoughts and memories to be interfering with my breath, and that I have not allowed myself to breathe in some way, or to let go of holdings, except under certain conditions that I have stated in my mind, making triggers such as seeing the glimmer of the sea.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed through this memory story to have veiled from me the experience of me at the very source of it, being at one with my physical body in the physical elements of the sea. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tie a certain experience of myself to certain conditions or places. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify a character of walking-by-the-sea within a construct in my mind of things missed, or lost, or in a narrative of regret. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this relationship with the sea to have directed actions in the world, where I see I have for example walked along the tideline of an open beach, living in my mind the confining veils of these emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sanctify these relationships within my mind, finding reasoning of ways that I could be in an experience of righteousness in living out this relationship/program as part of who and how I am, rather than showing me that this is a belief that I have made, in which my actions are being shaped by my relationship to ‘the sea’, that constant sea, as in standing by it, checking in with it, sometimes. Within that I had made a reference of this constancy, as a reality that was there, had for millions of years been there, this beach, this sea, that standing in that context I could as it were share in the experience of that constancy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and so perceive that my personal relationship with the sea is something real, that on some level within me that I have stepped onto a beach with the expectation of a meeting with the sea, with memories of breaking into a run to meet the sea, where I have created in my mind a relationship which has these features of lost and found, of being overwhelmed, yet lifted up and tossed around and gently laid back down, like playing a game with a beneficent power where in that chaos I had found a way of letting go, had through that letting go allowed myself to experience myself at one, lying on the streaming gravel in the maw of the waves.

 

 

More on this, along the way of defining and redefining Calm… next post

 

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life