Day 467: Magnificence and Redefining ME

Day 467: Magnificence and ME

The Mine Field: you will need to read the previous post that leads to this one to get more context, but here I start with some of the working and functional self definitions that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word Me. In this part of the process of redefining ME, I continue with investigations into definitions that I have already accepted and allowed and incorporated into the word of ME, definitions that are not best for me, definitions that I have accepted and allowed through the backchats of my mind. (see Day 466)

In general terms of Consciousness, if you allow yourself to be the victim of your backchat, a victim, as in being restrained within its boundaries, you will learn to fear the consequences of expansion, of straying too far, of questioning the edicts; and then accepting and allowing such fears to become imprinted into you, a personality will emerge, neatly shaped by your reactions to the merest hints of such specific fears, as dictated by the backchat. So from generalised – functions and controls of Consciousness – I now go into more the specificity of ME, that is in how I personally furnished those general Consciousness dimensions, into the specific nature of my personal backchat, exploring more the firewalls of the taboo that I accepted to be created, the taboo of understanding, Self-Intimacy and Seeing-Into-Me.

As skated over in the previous post, an incident occurred in which the image of a mine field surfaced – showing me – sort of incidentally – in my own words the fear of walking into this, showing me that hidden in the very ground of ME, there were like these back-chat bombs, that if I were to firmly tread then I might trigger a disaster. It is through incidental words that surface in my writing, in my de-script-ion of ME, that I recognize these points of self support that come from deeper parts of me, points that somehow slip through the filters of my conscious introspections; and what I have found is that by looking further into them I see the beginnings of an honouring of self. Exactly how the words Self Honouring and Self Honesty fit into each other is still a mystery to me to unravel for myself when I am able: for now I walk as within these Journey posts towards stability in my self.

For now, the incidents of words emerging for me in support of me as I inscribe them into physical existence will serve me in my purpose of opening up the definition complexes of ME in which I have accepted and allowed myself to coexist with functions of self-squashing, self-dishonouring, self-demeaning, self-diminishing as decreed by the backchats in my mind. Here is not just to simply open them up but to deconstruct them, to stop them, and to replace them using words I choose that instead support me.

So, tentatively stepping on the ground of my specific mine field, I am now looking at the incident (see previous post) in which the word Magnificence came up almost as a primary glimpse of what this word ME could accommodate as redefined, relieved of all the strangulating mechanisms of the backchat.

And at the time of writing, thoughts came up in me of how much less-than this ME I know is in comparison to Magnificence – like, BUT how could I possibly live this word, be one and equal with it, and so in equality become it, in accepting it as a part of me?

At the time of writing there was something that I did not see – it took some days to recognize the words I wrote – that within my I-Am-Less-Than-This reaction to the word Magnifence what existed that I could not see was fear. Fear of standing as Magnificence. It was through seeing this that I saw its relationship to my other backchat – this word Magnificence had not just popped up as a random alternative to live; it existed shoved away suppressed almost as the target of my backchat; when I looked into the backchat there were fears of being exposed in self aggrandizement – self magnification – judgements of such things within myself; memories of moments of being squashed in self exuberance – fears of letting go – where I had manifested exuberant expression it had been interpreted as showing-off; where I had manifested celebration of being me it had been interpreted as self aggrandizement, or big-headeness; where in stepping out of character, I had been accused of fraud. And yes indeed such character manouveres did exist, but they were not the whole of it. Magnificence was like a driving force of my exuberance, was like the fire of my creation, and like the inspiration of my non-sequiturs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Magnificence: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and consented to the designs of consciousness to utilize this fear, to instead of standing as Magnificence, instead to subdue and diminish and misconstrue Magnificence in whatever form it might manifest in my expression – and in a way to take this word and harness it in service of my fear

 

…continuing next post…

 

 

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Day 466 : Gossip and redefining ME

Day 466 : Gossip and redefining ME

Examining gossip and self-gossip: the question to self comes up of: if this were a personality, what kind of personality would it be, if this were a general experience, what would that general experience be, the feeling of it, the atmosphere around it… and for me looking into this I realized that if it were a personality it would be like a sort of a wet-blanket person, a constant threat to rain on my parade.

And listing out the verbs it was: to undermine, to put it down, to belittle, to make small, to sabotage its confidence. And the presence of such a personality in my mind would say things like: stop showing off – don’t expose yourself – you better keep quiet – you are too big for your boots – know your place – you’re so selfish… you ought to be ashamed… if all of those statements, feelings, could be rolled up together into a general shadow looming in my mind that would well describe my experience of ME that accompanies my self exposure in expression – a sword of Damocles – to exaggerate – so as to expose it more – though the feeling in itself is subtle.

Writing out these back-chats – with a pen – I realized how much these words derived from actual experiences of sibling bullying and manipulation – were words that I had internalized – and made my own – and strategically allowed to be as my own controlling self attacks – and as I wrote the words, my writing faltered, becoming smaller, tighter, with a hesitance coming into it, more and more restricted, as if I’d strayed into an environment of judgement – a mine field – to exaggerate again – in which me allowing the flow to continue – could be dangerous…

Such dramatic terms, and all of them derived from realities that once existed, yet now continued to exist within my mind – it was not that I had no responsibility in this, they were not just simply imprinted into me without permission – I recreated these ‘family’ relationships as energetic constructs in my mind – it was like I put a cast of characters together to represent the different forces in my mind – it was my design of how I was to operate as an expression of my family group – as an imitation of it, but as an independent entity – carrying along with me a group of working models of a possible existence as a mind – in a world that was otherwise unknown to me – so it was like in the absence of an alternative, I accepted and allowed these constructs as a backing – I construed them as a form of strength, as an independence aid, and in relation to these constructs I conceived myself as less-than them – seeing that for them to operate and function in a ‘natural’ manner, I conceived them as a ‘truth’.

These are like the technicalities of child robotics in a world of consciousness. Essentially within this voluntary scheme my definition of ME would be required to dwindle, atrophy, to become no less and no more than the ball in the game, rather than the game itself, rather than the stadium in which the game is played, or the world in which the stadium is built. All of this I willingly accepted; it was not like I had been destroyed – after all, my experience of me remained within the center of it, subjected constantly to the permissions that I resonated out. Here I was like a ME design submitting to the ways of consciousness.

Now I need to round it up a bit; I am aware that spite may enter into and interfere with my understanding of the family dynamics – seeing that both the spite and blame and my judgement of it both play a part and are a part of it – here is where I stand in that experience where it is not clear how much of what I see is my projection – where in one extreme it all seems like all projection and blame and in the other extreme it seems that what I see is absolutely true; and yet in both I tend to veer away from this reference to ME that I know so little of, this reference to ME that has been so long cast within taboo.

Knowing so little of what exists within and as this ME, I have spent many years standing literally on the brink of it – it is as if so far the physical reality that I have actually entered into is like various groups of cells and muscles in my lips – living in and as the Brink – so far short of doing such as a thing as actually for real walking on the Earth.

Implicit in the path of self-intimacy is self-honesty: where could Into-Me-I-See lead without first clearing for myself what definitions I have accepted and allowed as ‘ME’? To apprehend the fact that each of us are standing by this cosmic gateway we have to clear away the thorns and brambles that have grown in front of it. ‘Cosmic’ yes, as an expression of Magnificence, but Cosmic also in an Earthly sense, as a glimpse into this physical substance that as yet we know so little of, or of ME as being a part of. So, seeing this word ME as if for the first time, I realise that yes I may have lifted up a corner of the veil, and that this glimpse is here supporting me to further clear and clean the word, and honour it.

 

What would be the thorns and pains around the word ME that would make such natural honouring an impossibility? Something that I have realized in this writing is how much the word ME had figured in this life as almost like taboo – being connected to the cardinal sin of Selfishness – a word used often in the day to day manipulations of my family life – judgements of my badness, in which using the word Me came to have some guilt attached to it.

 

About the self inflicted pain of guilt, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this connection to exist; I forgive myself that I have provided for and stood beside this connection to exist; I forgive myself that I have deliberately accepted and allowed other peoples definitions of ME as being part of my reality; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by others; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should go ahead and live this life of ME as other people’s definitions of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in other people’s judgements of me, and for accepting and allowing myself to justify the guilt I felt in my definition of ME. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I had deliberately attached to ME. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain that I had accepted and allowed myself to attach to ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within me the experience of a Sword of Damocles to exist; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my own self judgement, and to live as powerless to change the experience that comes out of it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self judgement and make of it a thing that I am haunted by in my moments of self exposure/self expression. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people might be saying about me, not seeing how within this what I actually fear is what I am accepting and allowing to be said by me about me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look upon the fact that I have given up the power to define myself for me and in support of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed other people’s definitions of me as a self manipulation in which I do not have to see how much I fear what I might see when I look upon how it is that I have defined this ME that I am living, and how much and to what extent that I avoid to face the ME that I’ve become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read the word: Into-Me-I-See, and not seen within myself how much and to what extent I have brushed past the word ME that is at the core of it, and so have within that not seen ME at all but only seen within my mind an idea of that, an idea of ME that is pleasing to me, and yet not real.

 

 

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Day 465: Back to Self, and Exploring a Projection

Some explorations, opening up a moment of Me, and relationship to System.

Looking at a mild discomfort, a movement within me, the turning of a point in the region of my solar plexus, the shadow of its energetic resonance as it ripples through my inner world, passing through a moment of experience – in a meeting with another human being – and then is gone, is sinking into memory; I have experienced this same reaction often, but never really brought it back here to ask myself what the features are of this within me, where in a way the usual statement I accept would be, ah yes that is just a part of me that I feel this way – only that – I usually brush past this, what more is there to say, I accept that there is no more to it, and so moving swiftly on, I smooth it into my normality, as if that moving-on was also merged into it.

Experiencing this reaction and as well my reaction to it all as one I passively experience my automation, and call that Me, where defining it as such I am defining Me as impenetrable, inaccessible, it is like I have accepted and allowed this word Me to also function as a term of self dismissal. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the inner statement, That’s just Me, to justify a tendency to dismiss investigation of an event inside of me, by apparently moving on, away from. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a judgement of myself as a part of my definition of Me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach emotion to self investigation, in which I react to thoughts of failure of getting access to the information of what exists within Me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that experience that I have linked to failure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that experience of the judgements that I put on me in giving up on me.

So here slowing down the swiftness of that moving-on, and bringing back the moment of that apparent ‘mild’ reaction, so that I can look at it, that passing shadow in my experience of me reacting in the outset of a conversation with another being. In specifying what was the actual nature of this energy, of this discomfort, what came up next was that this was ‘mild’ fear: and so the question followed, fear – connected to what? And then rather than looking directly into me, I looked outside of me, to seek the cause of fear in something that the other being was doing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to finding in myself an energy that I have labeled fear, by immediately seeking out the source of it in terms of where to place the blame. I forgive myself within this that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I still have not investigated the nature of that fear, where rather than owning it as mine, have instead reacted to it with this reflex of seeking where to place the blame.

So calling it Fear: Fear apparently of people leading the conversation into areas in which they can compete and win and so assure themselves that they have not lost control, or prominence – I mean many of us – if not all – have experienced this strategy – after all it is like a raison d’etre of consciousness, and so of the designs and personalities expressed by it – and energetically, like expressions of maintainance, upgrade and refreshment drives – playing out an algorithm of energy fulfulment, scanning for an opportunity, a personal spin. An expression of the self as willingness to accept the drive to exploit the material shared for one’s own ends, and so distract and self deceive to get that energetic hit of winning, so that the superiority is stabilized and renewed, and prevails in setting the agenda.

And so bringing it back to self: who am I within the mirror of this projection: “Fear of people leading the conversation into areas in which they can compete and win,” within the experience of these words is a statement like, “Oh no it’s happening again, there is nothing I can do… “Like I can see where this is going and I am powerless…” And within that, I am left to hoping that it will not happen, hoping that they won’t go and do this… so immediately I have given my power away, I mean I could say something like, “Let’s not go there…” but instead I let it play out. What fear – or other emotion – exists within the making of these decisions, of what to do, and not do? How do I imagine how it’d be for me, as me, if I simply stopped the play-out in its tracks? It’s like I’d have to stand with me as a change of character, saying no, and with that saying no I’d have to stand stable, and not get drawn into the game. Is that the fear, that when tested I will not have the stability, and so will get drawn into the game, that I myself will lose control, will lose my balance, lose my way? Does this nice guy personality have any real stability? In looking into this it shows me that this is a position only that I have fallen in the habit of, it is based in insecurity, based on ‘swiftly moving on’.

As I look at this complaint, and start to open it, I realize how much that perceived “Fear of people leading the conversation into areas in which they can compete and win,” is but a cover, a generality and a distraction, because here disguised in this perception is my unwillingness to look into myself, into my own needs of self assurance, that I have judged in me, and so am here projecting onto others; making it in this scenario that they are to be blamed; that they were tending to their needs to win. And so, avoided is the issue of myself amongst and in these words, superior in my observations of the outside world, while at the same time being the victim to it; in a way, in fear of challenging the system.

Projections onto others can be useful when recognized, being those rejected pictures of the way things are inside me; because in looking into them I can show me details that I may not as yet be ready to immediately own. So in a way it’s kind of helpful – for a moment – to validate the projection, while seeing it for what it is, for the purpose of extracting further information – with the claim that it isn’t just and only me; that it takes two to tango; and it’s true that all of us have systems, participate in systems, though that is not all there is to us, but when both are busy in this game we set off reactions in one another, as well as in ourselves; and what makes the ground more slippery is the conviction that it is mostly the other and only just a little bit ourselves, just that little bit within ourselves that we employ to understand the situation, just that little eagle eye aloof that claims to know the details of the other’s thoughts and motives. There is quite an arrogance within the claiming of this knowledge while at the same time remaining in denial of its source within ourselves, coming from our own experience of doing it too; it’s as if this knowledge were just pulled out of the ether, and as if our ability to do that is an aspect of our claimed superiority.

And then in blame, in serving up the allegation – in making it stick – we revert to our definitions of the other for reference and evidence to prove our claims, making it as if those definitions in our minds were perceptions of reality. And so then we see these other beings as like rigid objects, taking up and standing as positions, and in the act of trying to defend themselves, protect themselves from collapse, seeing them as possessed by their personalities, not having any other choice, and so within this, robbing them, constricting them, and locking them down. I mean when both are at this then, there is a sense of all being lost; the potential of the meeting also – in the fact that the opportunity of collaboration has been lost. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear such constriction foisted onto me, of being locked down, of being robbed of other aspects that are me, of accepting and allowing being defined by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be defined by others as if in an attempt to keep the peace. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how in such an inner deal I have accepted and allowed the play-out of the system both within me and without me, and so am within this accepting and allowing the consequential play-out of the world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in this.

So within this there exists for me like a fear of owning my experience of giving up when it comes again to that old situation of being aware of abdicating all to system, a vision of puppets clattering uselessly in the dark, the facing of the fact of my giving of the power to the strings I have accepted and allowed, and allowing myself to participate in that feeling of uselessness and waste that I have linked to it. And my pattern here would be to revert into a silence, to revert into that illusion of potentiality, to abandon that opportunity of collaboration, and of mutual creation, to give up on the reality of the other person having choice.

Here within this is a layer of spite, and here again my own projection. I mean here I am looking at the expectation of the other responding to me the way I wanted them to, that together we might perhaps do something, that was not expressed, was not even clear to me, was not defined, and because my expectation did not happen here I was giving them both the power and the blame and then taking umbrage in a way because it did not happen. The actual failure here was my own manipulation. And then, in me, dismissing, or brushing past that momentary umbrage, that is so familiar, hardly even noticing it, defining it as ‘mild discomfort’, I see how it is I slip so quickly from a glimpse of awareness of my abdication, to those feelings of uselessness and into the apparent solace of blame and righteousness.

That issue of control, of accepting and allowing self to become an expression of control, as a point of permission, submerged beneath the layers of automation: it becomes an ‘issue’ where an emotional connection is made, linking to that point, together with a judgement where a dream of self seems to rise up from the bed, and dis the self that is currently overwhelmed in its comfort of acceptance, in the flowing streamlines of the consciousness, not seeing how this view of things has also been prepared, and undersigned by me, that this knowledge of awareness is no different, is just another annex of a false reality.

 

 

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Day 464: Grounding the Principle

A new gate for the farm 

Quotes from The Crucifixion of Jesus, parts 134, and 135, Redefining the word Word:

“In the beginning was the Word and the word was God, and the word was with God.
In the beginning was the Word and the word was Life, and the word was with Life.
In the beginning was the Word and the word was Me and the word was with Me.”

“… the one missing dimension within all the history of existence, is the consideration of self and others, as self. Have you ever looked at yourself through the eyes of others, and just wondered what living vision am I expressing? If I look at placing myself in the shoes of others, what would I have wanted for me? It’s also in the statement: Do unto others as you would want to be done unto you. It’s the basic principle of Life we haven’t adopted and really allowed to become an integral part of a guideline for ourselves, our relationships, our everyday lives…”

Day 464: Grounding the Principle

In this post I want to share some personal directions that my investigations took in the context of listening to and hearing these recordings from the Eqafe series The Crucifixion of Jesus

Grounding the Principle: Here I open up the word Grounding, linked to Principle; I want to redefine these words so that in my starting-point, they integrate, I do not have to link them, draw them together, so that for me the Principle is as much a part of Ground as Ground is part of Principle, and both as One, as Me. So it’s a deliberate self-support in changing my starting-point, towards realigning Me with Life.

In opening up a redefining of the word Grounding, initially I am checking in the dictionary – the root word Ground – I find there are few or only minor changes to this word in recent centuries: the Ground, as in the surface of the land, and the word Earth at times standing as the substance of the ground itself, standing unambiguously, as a simple fact, that fertile stuff that has been grounded up and grinded into grains by worms and nature, from which the roots deliver plants, from which our trees erupt into the sky, and firm and stable underfoot, we rely upon the ground to stand and make our observations.

A word like this might not seem to be requiring further exploration, or even close examination, and yet the word itself, as the root of Grounding, raises questions, because our bodies also are the substance of the Earth, as well the substance of our beings is of the physical. For me, that picture of our feet upon the Earth has contributed to an implication that we are in substance separate from the ground: it is as if a tweak has slipped into my perception of reality and become established there, and when it comes to redefining Grounding, what I am finding here for me, is that this tweak has formed like a tendency to skew the reach and practicality of Grounding. Sometimes in the histories and evolution of our words, it is like a metaphor establishes as a reality, and then in living out the word we are unknowingly attempting the impossible: to live out an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this picture in my mind of ‘grounding’ as my feet upon the earth, standing stable, not seeing, realizing or understanding that my body also is the substance of the earth, that my body and my being are one and equal in their physicality, that my grounding is not separate to the Earth, but in and as the stability of my relationship to Me, as a part of Physicality, to how I stand within myself as Me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand defined by me as separate from the principle of Life, of what is best for all, as best for me, in which the principle of what I am takes second place; I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to view the Principle as separate from my starting point as Me.

That who we reflects the words that we are living, in how we have defined ourselves within them, in how we have accepted and allowed the words with definitions made by others in our histories, that our actions and decisions and creations in each moment of our lives reflect the words that we have accepted and allowed as who we are and are living out, and therefore for us all the creation of the world in which we live:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word Creation as if it were a choice between creation or non-creation, when all of my expression is a constant multiple creation, the on-going product of the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine in my mind and then believe that I am not creating, that I can pause my self expression, not seeing how this belief itself is a creation that erupts from the illusion in my mind that I can pause my own existence. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I must redefine the words I live while I am on the move, using words that I have not yet redefined to support me, using what I have to change the contents of the words that don’t support me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see realise or understand that if I had a single function for myself here on Earth, here in the opportunity of physical reality, that function would be to ground the principle of life in me within the words I live, and so to alter my starting-point and so to through that, alter my creations.

 

 

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Day 463: My Precious

Day 463: My Precious

How it was today that I arrived here – that I made landfall in a way, as if upon a firm white beach – swept ashore by the ocean of my sleep – by the oceanic experience of words – experience as a kind of turbulence of pictures, feelings, fragments, in suspension from the words themselves – or from a single word – but from being swept and totally adrift within that turbulence, I gradually assimilate that familiar sense of no way back, no memory track into the cause of things, that word, that word that resonated my unconscious, resonating with where I am within myself, stirring up those pictured connotations, as if there were a perspective of awareness seeking to connect and show me something, a word I can’t yet face except in metaphor, presented in the fragments of a dream, fragments that recede and dissipate in the clutches of my waking mind.

And yet being comfortably stretched out on the bed, comfortable within the weightiness of rested limbs – without a need to move myself – but just to gently stretch and readjust the arms and legs – I felt no need to go into that mental clutching process that I know so well – but instead to simply stay within that weightiness of spine and limb, that simplicity of extension in my waking in my body – where still the sheet and blanket and physical sensations are slightly merged with the feelings in my body, such as where some coolness in a pocket of the sheets spreads without a boundary to become the cooling of my blood; and I move my ankle slightly into congress with that source of coolness and as well, that source of relaxation; and opening my eyes I see that still I’m in that same place in which I fell asleep, though different in that now the room is bathed in daylight and the world beyond the lighted curtains now is full of sounds of early morning. And so connecting with those sounds, carefully I swing my legs outside the bed and place my feet upon the tiled floor. That form of carefulness is for me a kind of practice; that on getting up I do not get hooked straight into the programs of my waking mind.

Sometimes words can seem so fine, and dazzling in their virtue, like these points of light by which we navigate the voyage of our lives, and yet a single point of light can make the world that is surrounding it a world of darkness. In my previous post I wrote about a point of value, a precious moment, something deeply cherished – and looking into Cherished what I found was that point of giving unto something that I would want for me: that point of being believed in, valued, cared for, that point within me, that in seeing it in others for me, it supports me in allowing it for myself, to give to me, and so to live, and so also to extend into the world. And yet that even though I stand by it, deep within me, in spite of who I am, mostly I forget it, overlook it, only come across it in a way, in a dramatic moment now and then, and so those moments I then put a value on, as if those moments were different to the other moments in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anywhere there existed a special moment, measured out in preciousness, distinctly from the other moments that are here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what kind of world that I create around this single point of light, to look around this point and see the wasteland that I have created. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see this wasteland that exists within my life, of moments tagged with lesser value, where I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the moments as less than extraordinary, and then to live accordingly.

If there did exist that ‘writing on the wall’ saying only simply ‘this is life’; could we handle it, could we even begin to get it, while believing in ourselves that, yes we already know that, not seeing how that believing in our knowing robs us of the essence of it, and so with all the moments that we know. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand beside this medium of knowledge in reference to my life and so the lives of others.

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 462: Lexis

Storm light on the gardens of the farm

Lexis

The elements of the world
the elements of the earth and wind and sea,
and fire of human passion being and history abound
within each and every word
and overfill these vessels
these crucibles of life

while between our selves, the earth itself,
the wind itself, the sea itself the fire itself
the physical expresses us
emerges from and reaches through our words

while with the forest standing here
as a witness to the depth of time
the rushing of the wind through trees
tells me in the inner quietness of my shelter
of the value of these moments

that breath with which to speak our thoughts
and make them physical,
the sounds that are
our life force and intention both as one
distracted in the alchemy of words
in which our footsteps lose their way
and find themselves again
in those moments of a stillness cherished

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 461: Enthusiasm

Day 461: Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm – within sharing the delight of a discovery in life – and in the nature of such discoveries – being each a gift for me but also those around me – where within this it is more like I am taking part in the discovery, and within this there is also an expression of Gratitude, that I can enjoy me within and as a part of Giving.

Clarifying for myself this word Enthusiasm, I begin to see now how it plied into my life; like as in a river, with me furthering and furthering a decision that I made when I was young – to make that effort, push myself to be specific, to use my time to specify those goings-on within me, to articulate those feelings, movements, shades, as much as possible; that, I realise now, was and is an expression of the why of me, to focus that responsibility, to articulate the discoveries that I made inside myself and in the outer world, and so to then express them.

That decision was in a way to go with who I am, and I accepted Enthusiasm as an aspect of it, and yet how had I defined this word? It was clear that it was my own responsibility to me to answer for myself that question of, ‘What does it mean, to live?’ and it was my decision to share what I had found. That I felt liberated within making this decision confirmed for me that it also was an expression of the why of me, I could easily own it as a natural part of me, and so accept how this would then define a path for me in life.

Youth can have such an easiness about it, sometimes: as an artist it became my purpose then to earnestly express a Joi-De-Vivre in painting, where in giving form to this enthusiasm I believed that I could start a conflagration, or at least help to tip the balance in some way to the programming that seemed rife around me. I did not see to what extent going with the gut could also be a falling into step with just another aspect of the program, and it would be another 30 years and more until the Desteni Group came together and the Portal opened; so in terms of understanding consciousness and the workings of the mind, and the significance of living out the definitions of our words, I was still at that time very much illiterate and in the dark.

So with that original decision in my life to be and to become that constant effort to specify, to articulate, to discover, it’s now for me to look into the Enthusiasm that I lived, that came up in me, on discovering and going with these motives in me, that the reward which I experienced was that there was something I could give, in celebration and affirmation of the We in our existence, that the Discovery was not for me, though it was my joy to be conveying it. That is very different to that general ‘Joi-De-Vivre’ that I saw as like a magic antidote when I was young. That Joi-De-Vivre was cool in itself and sometimes acted as cool reminder, and yet it led to, came from nowhere in a way.

So in redefining Enthusiasm I bring into it this new component – the awareness, presence, affirmation, of this reality of the We that is here – who we are as discovering this Life together, who we are as present in each other’s discoveries, who we are as empowered in and through our shared discoveries, that acting as a group we can become a single force to change this world in which we find ourselves to be.

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 460: The Unknown Eqafe Recordings

Day 460: The Unknown Eqafe Recordings

What has now become a library of previously unheard information, I mean the content of the Eqafe recordings: amongst and with those questions asked and answered also in and as Abundance, there is that glimpse of truth for which we have not asked, for which we could not ask; because beneath those layers of acceptance and allowance those key questions have become submerged, and we have till now been content with coping with their absence, accustomed to a life of exile from ourselves… a life in which those questions have no place to come from.

The Eqafe recordings: it is now some ten years since they started, yet awareness of even their existence spreads so very slowly throughout the world. We thought at first that it would spread across the net like fire, that millions would be listening to the message of the Dimensionals, to be interested in the existence of the Portal, in perspectives of our human reality, and the reality of others in our world beside ourselves for the first time coming through, and that our gratitude for an outside view of things would be shared by all, and yet perhaps it was our own enthusiasm that down-played the fact that spreading news of this would not be easy.

And in a way, my own enthusiasm messed things up because even with a glimpse of what is real I myself caught fire and went round ranting and raving, attempting to break down the walls of programming, causing those around me to back away and wonder if I might be mad; that was how inadvertently I actually strengthened the resistance.

Enthusiasm: what is in this word? Looking up the roots of enthusiasm I find literally, ‘possession by a god’, as in excitement as possession, being ‘with God.’ And while looking up enthusiasm also I noticed listed there, in the dictionary, an antonym: ‘indifference.’ I mention this within the consideration that indeed there was in retrospect a kind of madness in my ravings: I had suddenly gone into reaction to a kind of resigned indifference that I’d been living, and so swung into a polarity of that within and as enthusiastic ravings.

What is done is done; to those whom I subjected this I ask for their forgiveness; and I forgive myself; gradually I learn to walk in equanimity with myself, and to express my understandings from a grounded place inside me. If I were to redefine myself within and as Enthusiasm, I would change the word of God within it to the word of Life, because it was in the realisations that I was not in the context that I had ascribed myself as playing a role as insignificant, in the ‘greater’ scheme of things, but that actually in living I therefore was involved no less or more than Life itself. So the enthusiasm that I lived had the emotional charge of the lost within and as myself as found; and the release that I expressed was the release of that oppression that I’d been living, of that damnation that I had imposed upon myself and had so much believed in.

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 459: That Shitty Feeling

 

comic strip frames with ripples

Day 459: That Shitty Feeling

By the time I print a finished version of these notes, I hope that I will have made them more ordered, structured, easier to read, easy to understand, principally for me, but for those who read them also; I do not want to give the false impression that this organization is spontaneous, or that this was how it was to start, the form in which it came up in me; in fact I scribbled down different aspects as they came up, different dimensions of the thing, understandings, comments, notes, of the points involved from differing distances and perspectives; my written notes are quite a mess: full of little arrows and crossings out, and asterisks, and square brackets, where my notes were actually about something so completely different that they might be filed beneath the heading of ‘related but at the same time altogether different subjects.’ And so, for example, reading through these scribbled notes, I might now write and underline the heading: ‘This is where it started’, and then another heading: ‘Other things in parallel, or not in parallel at all to this.’ Or ‘Where I thought it came from.’ Or ‘My understanding of this, my analysis of this.’ Or, ‘How all of this has shaped my life,’ or ‘how I see this gets reflected in the world’… I mean understandings of ourselves, our feelings and emotions, our minds, and of our introspections have all such multiple dimensions, and as the understandings and the revelations surface they do not arrive in linear order, or create between themselves one single point. Over this paragraph itself, I might write: ‘How I supported myself by going through my scribbled sentences and paragraphs, writing headings.’

Often in the process of my writing, I write out and speak self-forgiveness statements: these are not separate from my explorations, or from the progress of my journey; without the tool of self-forgiveness, suppressions cannot simply open, because it is the un-forgiveness or judgement of the self that holds suppressions sealed in place, that holds them down; and while those judgements are in place they act as bonds of that illusion that we live, that we cannot see beyond. That is how a life can be lived without an inkling of a general self-deception. As in this example that I’d like to share, I came through my introspections with a new perspective of my life in which I clearly saw how many of my actions and decisions had been made in relation to a certain feeling in me, rather than in direct relation to myself or to the physical world of people, or to the physical itself.

It’s interesting how the most trivial seeming everyday event when opened up and looked into can reveal internal points of energy, infiltrating deep and far into the past: from examining the nature of a shitty feeling frequently present in my everyday experience I suddenly get an insight of the darker forces that I had hardly noticed, driving my unconscious landscape. As within so without: just as with the fake news of a controlling media, there comes a time in which one dares to question it; internally, the layers of excuses and justifications that accumulated into false realities come up for questioning as well, that acceptance of a stance of ‘happening to be the way I am.’

In the story that I’m sharing here, that instance of looking at a moment of ‘happening to be the way I am’ was in being confronted by a moment in which someone with whom I normally share a greeting, did not respond; and what this triggered in me was first of all a familiar shitty feeling, and then a familiar litany of questions, such as: What have I done; Have I done something wrong; Is it something that I’ve said or not said; something that I’ve done or not done; Have I upset them in some way; Has there been some gossip going round? By familiar what I mean is, this is not like something new to me; and that this is not a massive reaction that I must immediately look into; you could call it more a rather tired old reaction, definitely there, but in the background. And yet something that was new to me in that moment was the question of: Ok, but what is it that this point is anchored into? I mean this shitty feeling in me has obviously really nothing to do with this specific person; it is my everyday relationship with myself that keeps these points running around my mind, that keeps this shitty feeling fresh and new.

So that was like the break-through question: How was it that I came to create points in my mind in connection to ‘Hello’, and responses to Hello? And what exactly does this shitty feeling consist of? And immediately just in asking this I could see how much of all those questions coming up in me were like distractions from this feeling, were like seeking out somewhere in the outside world to land the blame.

Tracing back into my life the occurrence of this shitty feeling was not a difficult thing to do; to some extent it was always there with me, standing like a guard to my expression, but something that came up for me were memories of my early life at boarding school, in which I had mistakenly trusted in the advice of my father of ‘just do what others do and you’ll be alright,’ which I had then misconstrued into ‘give my trust to these others to define me’… this strategy blew up in my face, when as a group, my peers fell into a synchronized rejection of me – putting me in Coventry – meaning, not speaking to me; having given away the power to define me, I made the mistake of believing that this Coventry was a response to something about me that made me unacceptable – that shittiness that I felt inside myself I took to be the shittiness of who I was. That trust that I had foisted onto them had rebounded as a belief in the veracity of their consensual judgements, and since the judgements were hostile, I started to believe, and so trust also, that the inner shittiness of who I was was real.

That was where I began to hide myself away, and try to keep my mouth shut, never speak again, and stuff like that. Even sometime later when it was explained to me that what had happened was that I’d been put in Coventry, it did not change that for me with groups of peers there was now a risk, an element of danger, of possible betrayal. That it was possible for a group to synchronize in breaking someone down was a new dimension in my world, as well as what I had established in myself which was that experience of shittiness as apparently a reminder of who I am, that I then went on to making patterns with: of fearing it and reacting to it and avoiding it and running away from it.

Running away from your feelings seems possible when they are attributed to the actions and behaviors of others, and when they accumulate in relationships: then, just going somewhere else seems like an escape: here is where the devices of self manipulation, excuse and justification gradually weave their stories, imaginary worlds like comic strips, from out of which and from within which that shitty feeling seems to only be a constant nagging in the background; here is where the option of drugs can act like a salve to change the feeling into something positive; and so here is where in service to that shitty feeling and to the fear of the experience of it, it accumulates into what might seem like an addiction, where the blame of others is then focused onto blame of chemicals.

Looking through the chapters of my life I was appalled to see how many situations I had just ran from, when in every case that experience I feared I carried with me, not seeing it, because it seemed so intimately part of me, not seeing it because my self manipulation was so well practiced, not seeing how that guardian that stood beside my self expression had been placed by me for my own protection, so as not to experience that shittiness of me.

When I asked myself what kind of stories did I tell myself through my life about what happened, what was my excuse? And what I saw was that the ‘shock of broken trust’ had formed the fake news headline, or ‘betrayal’; the shocking badness of it all, that I had given something precious away that now was ‘shattered’ and ’broken’; in which I was the innocent, the victim, and this betrayal was to be seen as something done unto me – so that for my comfort, blame could be established from it – and that shitty feeling could be viewed as my justified response to that.

And yet beneath this story that I chose to live, what lay there within me was my awareness that I had given my responsibility for me defining me, to someone else, in trusting them. So beneath the story of the shock of broken trust and of betrayal was that shitty feeling that all of it was down to me, that I had given my trust in me to someone else – as a manipulation really – and also in a way, a self betrayal, this was the point beneath it all that I dared not see directly.

It was interesting for me to look into the backchat statement that came up in me in various forms in my reactions to such situations:- What have I done? Because looking into that sentence and the way I asked it in myself, how I couched the question, it was as if in the tone of it I was asking the world for an answer, as if in preparation to defend myself, the question posed as if in a protest of innocence. There are so many ways of habitually asking such a thing, or of internally re-iterating it, without ever really seeing the words for what they are – and crucially – of seeing how such a question could support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these words without consideration of my own support but instead to use them to support my separation from myself.

Here is an opening for me in which I can make a start in changing what I have imprinted into me: as and when this backchat comes up in me, I recognize it as a question that can really in fact support me. As and when that shitty feeling comes along, I can stop and breathe and realise that yes this shitty feeling has been here in me – by my permission, by my instigation – and so obviously I have the power to let it go – I do not any longer accept the belief that this shitty feeling is who I am, there is infinitely more to me than this – and letting go of this belief, I let go also of the trust that I held in it. I do not have the expectation that now as if by magic I have through all of this eradicated this shitty feeling from the threshold of my expression, of my saying of Hello, of my speaking words into the world from within myself, from my writing of those words, and yet I have given to me the means to work with it. A shitty feeling in itself is just a feeling when the power has been removed from it.

 

Various recent recordings on Eqafe have been of much support for me in exploring into this; the perspectives outlined in them embrace fields far wider and deeper than what I have outlined within this post, but if any of what I’ve written here rings a bell then do please take a listen:

 

Life Reviews:

Sharing Trust vs Entrusting Yourself Part 1

Sharing Trust vs Entrusting Yourself Part 2

 

Quantum Mind Self Awareness:

Sharing Responsibility vs Abdicating Responsibility

Practicing Responsibility Sharing

Embracing Responsibility

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 458: Play within Communication

Day 458: Play within Communication

 

What sort of images come up with the word Play: for me what comes up first are the interactions of children, with each other, with their toys; and then there is the play of Players as free-agents within the structure of a game; theatrical connotations; leisure; entertainment; coming into play, there is the playing out, the playing down, the playing along, the playing up… so much of it to do with games and gamesmanship, activities of ‘leisure’ as opposed to ‘work’, and within ‘work’ defined as a negative, so ‘play’ promoted as a positive.

So like seemingly implied in this, a mass of information about the energies within the word, how it functions in the system, and I was bedazzled by it all, in a kind of righteousness that seeing all this, I already ‘know’ what play is, so what more could I possibly find within it, and in that I did not recognize the resistance that was in me.

But now looking at the word again, this time not as something that ‘I know all about’, am ‘familiar with’, and therefore do not need to redefine it, but instead to see this word in a different way, not as a piece of knowledge and information only, but to see as well that this ‘knowing’ experience, this ‘familiarity’, represents the programming within this word, that I have accepted and allowed, and so come to trust, and that trusting of these programs is the source of confidence with which I tell myself I ‘know’ this word, and therefore do not need to spend more time on it.

How much the potential of a word is, call it crucified – as an image of the life within it, nailed upon the grid lines of the programming – within the ideas and beliefs that seem to fill it out and make it so convincing, so simplified and obvious and everyday, and yet trusting and believing in and following those grid lines only lead back to the starting-point of who I am, as convinced, as knowing, while the potential of the word is overlooked. Or else sometimes like with this, I inadvertently touched on something real, and there’s a reaction in the mind, a withdrawal really, a contraction; the hypnosis levels escalate, with the magnetism of the entertainments, the emergence of distractions even more compelling; all the various scripts that lead to Therefore Take No Action, these are like the roads to Rome.

That’s what happened to me in a way, I looked into the word and it was like a Holy Shit type moment, of seeing something there within the depths of it, and then all of a sudden I was wanting to watch some film, a series, do something else, take a break; and even though I knew that I was in extreme resistance, it did not help; because that relationship to resistance in which recognizing the experience of it, is really just recognizing me in my acceptance of it, that within and as it, I recognize myself as this giving up experience, and then label that ‘resistance.’ So within that I really disempowered myself, and within and as that disempowerment I became just merely witnessing it all. So I watched a film, and took a break and then this morning finally got back to it. Although I let this happen, still there is a steadfast trust in me I am gradually developing, and strengthening; that I will get back to it, that though I still respond to backchat such as you can’t do this, it won’t lead anywhere, it’s a waste of time, it’s kind of wearing thin. So even though I’m swept away and fall within this energy, I do get up again. So yes in redefining words there can be that startling moment in which the ground of the world shifts slightly, and there is a realization that the programs and projections that I’d been living as a word had been so severely limited, and yet at the same time I had experienced as so complete, and that it had been in that experience of completeness that I’d placed my trust.

But anyway what of that Holy Shit type moment? Imagine that you’d spent your days on Earth in front of a TV series, and the word Life had been written plain in every episode you’d seen, like a little picture of some goings-on, until one day you’d looked into this word and suddenly suspected that all the time that little picture had been surrounded by a world, only that world was impossible to see, impossible to grasp because every reference that you had to it was contained within that little picture, within the terms of it, and so what was the residual of that suspicion, but an overwhelming sense of something missing, and what exists within a sense of something missing, but the thing itself, something on the very brink of tangibility, something real, that matters.

That was something like that Holy Shit moment; a fear, that deep within this word Play for me was something of great seriousness, some essential part of me that I had missed, something Real about the way I’d lived this word, and yet not seen: what was it that even in this redefinition process that could have struck such a serious chord, the realization that beneath the programmed surfaces of fun and games, there lay a fact. And when I looked through what I’d written out I realized that the word Trust coming up for me in this context was what it was.

What the word Play represented for me as a child, which was like a creative space, a process of discovery; with my brother I would move from this to that, using whatever was at hand to ply into whatever current story we were living out, or adventure we were in, while an interruption of any kind thrown up by the circumstance of physical reality was simply taken in, adapted to and absorbed into what we were doing. Imagination and action would initiate each other in the service of the present moment, and within all of this there was a natural flexibility. So, creative space, discovery, imagination, invention, action, present, flexibility: words that I may not have known at the time but yet were already like components of what I lived within our Play: as well as this, the Play itself was also communication, and as well, collaboration.

So looking at this memory of childhood play, I could describe it as participating in a collaborative communication dialogue, in which the goal was not a fixture, but constantly changing and shifting according to what had been established in the present moment; it was like an ever branching process of discovery and invention, that was the process that I meant within the words: Let’s play…

And yet writing this and sleeping on it too, I realise as well, that these words discovery, imagination, invention were more like expressions of myself; it was more that in Play I felt free to express these parts of me, so that what defined the play itself was the presence of trust in our communications and our collaborations. This brings up the question for me of how and to what extent later in my life, with the acceptance of this absence I then defined communication itself and lived it thus, or at least had expectations of communication that had no element of play, and then come to see play itself as separate to communication. There is that ripple effect in redefining words because the words are all defined within the matrix of each other.

In a relationship between two friends, where there has been a tiff, the word exchange becomes more formal, guarded, and it takes time to heal that trust that had been simply there before; where there had been those unpredictable creations and discoveries, there are instead, unchallengeable assertions, back-ups, statements of fact, risk assessments, the world of the relationship becomes more stark; instead of being an end within itself, communication now requires a reason, and has a goal and aim, and the words themselves are depended on as programs and projections only. As in the aftermath of the tiff between two friends, where the fabric of communication has been torn, there is that dissonance that interrupted flow, there is no play, that’s like where we fall back on the mind to somehow, create communication, because we’ve lost our way in being it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that communication could still be real in a world in which my trust of me was only tenuous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could somehow get by in a world in which my expression of myself depended on relationships with others, in which I defined my trust of me according to their trust. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disempowered in relationships in which each one’s trust of self depended on the other; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust of me within and as expression of myself was an expendable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my lack of trust for me in expression of myself was something that I could do nothing about, because I did not trust myself, rather than seeing realizing and understanding that trusting me was a thing that I could learn, something I would want to learn for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me in doing something for me in support of me in my lack of trust in me in self expression.

Great support for me in opening up this relationship between Play and Communication has been, Veno, in Wanting to Know before you Start, Journeys into the Afterlife: “And that’s another interesting point to have a look at… in your relationship to your mind, in that blind trust that you have with it, in not really asserting your authority in speaking up and standing up for yourself in your awareness more, in relation to your mind – in what you are going to accept and what not – but to start creating a new trust with yourself, with your awareness. And that new trust is going to come through your application as reality unfolds, as your life and moments open up, by your actions, by your doings: that’s the new trust that you need to start creating. That yes you are not always going to know what is going to open up; you’ve got a general idea, but there is always so much more that will open up both inside yourself and life as you allow it to unfold as fact. Then assess and reassess and adjust as you go. That’s the new way of creation that’s going to happen.”

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life