Day 179: Greed for Entertainment

 

Bringing myself back to breathing here from overwhelmingness

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility I have in sharing who I am with me, and hence with all as me, and to react to this fear that I have accepted and allowed by seeking entertainment with and as my thoughts and my imagination, making for myself a comfortable distraction so that I can escape from what is real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that within this I am validating my fear, and therefore I have accepted and allowed myself to create a loop from fear to entertainment and back again to fear and have created for myself an experience of overwhelming energies.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grasp for entertainment as an energy reward. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to the word escape a positive charge of energy, so that already when the word escape arises in my mind, I have already initiated a positive experience within myself and a desire for more.

 

I forgive myself absolutely as this being that exists within a fear of exposure of who I am to me, and who I am to all others as me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this to be denying absolutely that we are all the same. And hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I am utilizing this fear of exposure to justify protecting the secrecy of me wherein I am as a positive charge of energy with me as something different and unique and special.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my tracks to me by reacting to my fear with fear so that in separating myself from my own reactions I have come to put me in a place where I cannot understand this fear as me, cannot look upon the relationships that I have accepted and allowed in which I have defined myself as fear, and hence have sabotaged myself with hiding from myself my only means of change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by turning to distraction and imagination as an experience of myself in which I can get positive energy, rather than staying with myself in this experience I wish to escape from and seeing what it is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing myself according to the judgements I have made of me as unacceptable to me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself and experiencing myself as unacceptable in the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I see myself as who I am within my fears and within my maneuvers rather than forgiving me immediately and asking me how it was that it came to this, that I came to justify this separation, that I came to guard this secret greed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘greed’ in terms of judgements of the mind, rather than seeing and realizing that who I am as greed is me in acceptance and allowance of myself as an energy awareness that acts according to itself as energy which is to accumulate itself in self interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by greed, greed for entertainment in my mind, greed for an experience of positive energy, greed for an escape, greed for a reward. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from greed, and to fear to see myself as greed, and through this to become possessed by it and enslaved to it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reality of me because it is something that I do not know, as yet, and because my own reality has been something that I have fabricated within and as my mind, and I fear to lose this secrecy this specialness this illusion of myself as energy, and secretly within myself I know that I will lose all this because in exposing it I will realize that it is not real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that in going into entertainment in my mind and my imagination that I have accepted and allowed the prevalence of god-consciousness within my world in a belief that I have accepted and allowed where everything is going to be ok and nothing matters.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by greed for energy experience as this god-consciousness within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by meanness, me-ness, where I have accepted and allowed myself to justify to not share myself, or give myself away, expose myself, but rather in my greed for energy experience to keep it hidden away in secrecy where I can continue to believe that this is real.

 

I commit myself to breathe and to be here with myself in breath and in my self forgiveness of myself in what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become and in awareness that being here with me in such self forgiveness that then therefore I can change because I need no longer hide these parts of me in separation from myself but instead return myself to me and be here actually in this world where I have feared to be.

 

 

 

 

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4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

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Day 178: Imagination and Solitude (19)


Many thanks to all for the substantial and various support that has come up along and in response to this point of imagination: – blogs, interviews, and chats.

 

 

A continuation of the walk through of the consciousness dimensions of the loner personality as ‘solitude’.

 

 

Getting straight with Imagination.  

 

 

This has taken up a lot of time. Walking into my house to find I’m already there, looking into a mirror and seeing nothing- these are pictures to represent a movement inside of me, a movement of something that I had lived with as unmovable. And yet these are similes, likenesses, of imagined experience, and what connects them together is a reaction of energy experienced as a particular fear.

As in one of MC Escher’s drawings, realizing that I am looking at an impossible world, then it must be so that I am coming from an impossible starting point. Here again, I use the imagination to define more clearly this reaction. And so, to be clear with myself at this point, there no houses, no mirrors, no twisted up paradoxes of perspectives, but only me here focusing on the fear reaction, a slip into self doubt about who I am in as and towards and in all relations to imagination. Yes, all relationships in general, but specifically the relationship of separation-from. So a moment of realization that this imagination is in fact not in separation from me, as what in most of my life, I had imagined. And then questions like, so where to I go to from this new perspective of here? Interesting how I just used the word ‘imagined’ in the sense of ‘believed to be true’, as if what my latest imagining was like a ‘working truth’. And yet over and over I see evidence within my thoughts and assumptions about the way things are where I have accepted and allowed imagination to interfere, emphasize, dress up, choreograph, colour, tint, associate, distort, skew, edit, censure, dramatize, and generally to make apparently real a fiction in my mind. And then sometimes I use the words ‘I can imagine’, instead of ‘I understand’, in which I am imagining that I understand, rather than seeing and realizing that I am imagining the aspects of an issue, for example, looking at it from different angles in different contexts, so as to assist and support myself in reaching an understanding.

At this time, these distinctions are to me in support of me, necessary and deliberately emphasized, because in separating from imagination I have given to it my power of direction as and for ‘me’; this ‘me’ being one personality or another as ‘me’ with its own allotment of imagination with which to carry out it’s services as an automatic consciousness of making it all seem real. My understanding of the mechanics of the quantum mind at this stage include the energetics of personality systems, so that for example, it is clear how fear functions as the basis of a personality, and that the imagination that is available to that personality will function in a way to make that personality seem real, and hence the enhancement, and added detail and context to make the fear ever more convincing is all part of the general maintenance of that personality system by consciousness through the imagination. The imagination as the assembly point for an alternative reality has every means at its disposal in the function of making things seem real, because I am the means of this imaginational reality, the extent of how real is this energy reality is according to how much of myself I have given away to this, as this my belief that ‘this is me’, this is who I am, as energy, that I have stood in this and given my consent, I have donated of my substance into this and become as energy.

 

After and during the writing of my last blog-post, I had come to be facing this point of imagination. The facing of who and what I have accepted me to be within the imagination dimension of the working consciousness of this ‘Solitude’ systematized personality, which is about to embark on the writing of poetry in solitude, hoping to fix up a relationship between imagination and the world system of money. And yet who do I run into here is me, like who else but me, round here – because my relationship to imagination is as this personality’s; and the development and upgrade of this personality, into ‘artist’, is extended on the same relationships to imagination.

This is probably why I fell suddenly into taking it all so personally, this walk through personality, breaching the borders of the personality that I lived and believed in as me. So instead of stopping and breathing and realizing that hey what I need to do now is to look at how I have defined imagination, and how I have accepted and allowed imagination to define itself, I have gone into and as protection of this positive experience reserve as me within imagination, not wanting to let go of this relationship, but have somehow justified this move towards entertainment in my mind and my own self interest.

Further into this, I dream a dream in which I come across a drug dealer’s shack, with all the wares laid out before me. On a shelf, there is a row of green plastic frog-faced figurines, they march along with bubbles coming out of their ears, musical notes from their mouths, their eyes all kaleidoscopic – these frogs represent and contain I supposed a new consumer drug – one that I had never tried – and my curiosity is me as hungry to feed, as awareness reaching out towards this – like what is this new experience, that I have not had, that is symbolized like this? And along with this I have imagined in my mind an unknown experience towards which I now accept a fear of loss, of missing out on this experience. So I have created in my imagination an experience that does not exist and now I fear the loss of an opportunity to explore it? The dream cuts off at this point, while in waking up I realize that whatever else is going on, I can see realize and understand that I am still preserving this hope of me as the mind as positive energy within a drug experience, and as fear of loss in letting go of it, or in the missing of this opportunity to get more of this kind of energy.

The point of taking physical drugs into my bloodstream was for me all about what might possibly happen in/to my imagination, in the whole world of my contained experience and thus my relationship with drugs was the relationship of me towards imagination. The drugs were instruments with which to probe it or to super-charge it, or to randomize it, to break down doors with, and yes as well, to ‘liberate’ it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can become more and superior as energy as me within ‘liberating’ the imagination, in which accepting and allowing imagination to free-wheel and run according to itself I have accepted and allowed myself to become directed by it, and to make actions and decisions in the physical world that are not in my or anyone’s best interests, but only in the interest of energy awareness survival as a personality of the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a personality system and to need to have an inner sanctum of imagination experience as positive energy, as power, as elitism in a secret corner of my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a being in physical reality to have reacted to conflict and friction inside myself to rather than investigate and explore in self honesty what is happening with a view to changing it, that I have instead accepted and allowed for me to not deal with or participate in my own reality as the physical as me, as all as me, but to instead define imagination in my mind as refuge from the conflict in which I allow the conflict to continue insulated in suppression and for me to be content with my self as energy experience alone within an alternative to physical reality which is only energy in the confines of my mind.

 

I commit myself to live the common sense that I am here, breathing as the physical that is this world from which I have obviously emerged. I commit myself to expand myself into and as the responsibilities of life in support of life, to assist and support myself as a living being to learn how to assist and support myself and all others as me in recognizing that I must take direction for myself within my mind and to learn how not any longer to accept or to allow myself to be directed by it, because I see realize and understand that the motives of the energy as consciousness are in absolute self interest and are in opposition and incomprehension to the physical reality of equality and oneness which is the obvious property and principle of this living physical organism of my body which supports my being here in this life. Therefore I commit myself to self forgive the definitions of myself that I have separated me from into and as the components of the systems of my mind which have come to live as me and for me as the living word of my consent.

 

 

 

 

More on this next post…

 

 

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Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

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4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

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Day 177: Solitude 18

 

continued from last post: for Solitude 1 see Day 160

 

Fear dimension of the loner feeding into imagination dimension of ‘solitude’.

 

‘Not asking questions’, developing into ‘never speaking again’ both as protections from myself and others in which I blocked my self expression and trained myself into self isolation.

 

I have come to this point of Mystery (my unawareness of me, upgraded essentially into a deception of love and light) – that I came to cultivate within my imagination aspect of the loner, as solitude as the ‘poet’, in absolute control within my mind of superior words as my expression – this I will get to: and yet first, how I was responsible for my own already established experience of mystification is a question that I have not asked.

 

Marduk is recorded talking through the Portal in the Eqafe interview, Reptilians 71, about the greed that was manifested within us beings, way before our physical human history, the greed of only wanting to belong unto myself, in an existence of myself and myself only. How this desire for energy to expand into individualized self-interest was utilized in the mind system as personality creation is described in detail in the Quantum Mind series also. All of this is essential information for the purpose of supporting humanity within what is best for all, to turn around from within the illusion that we have accepted and allowed as ‘how it is’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that my responsibility towards myself as life as an existential being is to change my very beingness itself because I now see and realize and understand the essential evil of my beingness in how it has become imprinted with desire for more for me as defined within this greed for separation within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can create my own reality in spite of what is Here, so that I can satisfy this greed for separation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me a belief that I can create my own reality. Within this belief that I can create my own reality, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to make real the energies within myself by programming them into my physical body, according to my experience, so that I can make relationships to these as personalities.

 

So as I walk through my own personality creation of and as the loner, I recognize this same impulse of greed, arising in me in my first few days away from home and at a boarding school, and also I now see and realize and understand that in this situation I was for the first time in this life, surrounded by an entirely new group of beings, and I reacted to this situation by defining who I am as an outsider. I’ll get back to this.

 

Immediately, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a relationship to others as a ‘group’ with me as an outsider.

 

Unlike the dimensional history of our beingness as observed by Marduk, it was by no means out of ‘home’ as equality and oneness that I deliberately sought to separate myself, but more like I saw it as an opportunity to shed my plurality that I had been as my family system which was like the global culture, a shared experience of energy, essentially a system of blame and projection and transference of responsibilities to others, in which the who I am as me was somehow mixed and merged inextricably with others while keeping at the same time deliberately absent from my own awareness of myself.

 

Taking apart this brainwashing family cult experience has been and continues to be a realization that what I had once accepted as a ‘whole’, as ‘just the way it is’, has been in fact an amalgamation of specific and yet unquestioned beliefs, and rambling chains of instant decisions of ‘who I am to this’ and ‘who I am as this’ based on energy experiences.

 

The greed to realize myself into separation as an individual emerged when I arrived at school, along with having name-tags on my clothing, carefully sewn into place by my mother. In my imagination now, my thumb brushes over the stitching for a moment in this ‘my’ new life at this ‘my’ new school where I was in an environment in which I was required to carry a formal name that represented me, and me only. That the stitching was ‘careful’ was only evident in the sense that it was even and strong, and that it was a matter of fantasy about my mother’s attention on me for a moment, and her ‘care’ for ‘me’, seeing myself as far away from her, as she held my name straight in the collar of my shirt; these things I overlooked, I had absolutely no idea of her mood, her intention, her situation, or anything much at all of her actual reality as another being. Instead I was content with a belief about her care for me as represented in my mind by this stitching, a thread of care connecting me to her within my imagination. And the name-tag itself; a silky smooth white tape with the letters of my name in red, embroidered by machine in upper case – this to me like all the objects in my world, and thus me also, was instantaneous, magical, in the sense that it had no provenance, no connection to the physical reality, no physical time-line history, no cotton fields, no toxic chemical dye factories, no slave-labour camps, no millions of beings required to extract a single needle from the Earth – no, it was just the letters of these two words that was my name that attached me in my mind to this garment of my uniform, and to the imagined care of my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself within caring absolutely for myself by making an as if reality within my mind and my imagination an idea as a thought of being instead supported and cared for by my mother.

 

The sudden transplant of me from my home culture into the school culture was destined to cause in me massive conflict and friction. The blurred internal reality of me as an experience of emotion and feeling and judgement and blame could not fit in any way into the institution of a school, or into a group of established personalities, or into a system designed for the abstract learning of knowledge and information. Not realizing that I had missed a couple of years of prep school through being transferred from a state school to a public school, I judged myself as stupid, and accepted the judgements of others of me as stupid. I have looked into these points to certain extent so far in how I utilized this predisposition in myself in the founding of yet another personality as justification for giving up on me, as the not-good-enough character. See Day 26. I now see this not good enough self definition also as the perfect energetic ground from which to evolve through hope the more of me as better-than personality.

 

This point about mystification.

 

I keep finding these events existent in me as memories which I have not understood, like for example where a decision has been made for me by my parents, such as to send me to this school or else to that school, or by teachers, to send me to this class or to that class, and I have justified this lack of understanding within either a retrospective self definition of me as a ‘daydreamer’, or else in statements of blame, such as ‘I was not told’ – but bringing it back to me within these events, it was that ‘I did not ask’. And so the question arises of, who was I within not asking? Because I now see and realize that this experience of mystification around who I am in my early life has much to do with the simple fact that I did not ask the crucial questions, and hence crossed from one experience into another without any connection of understanding.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I might possibly learn about myself if I was to question and get a response directly to me from another human being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what I am saying or expressing with self judgements and risk assessments based on fear of exposure to me and to others of who I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of the fact that I have a hidden agenda of getting energy for me by whatever means, and because of this fear and my acceptance of the reality of this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself directly but first to launder my words that I might express or speak by imagining it within my mind so that I can assure myself that I am safe within not being exposed in having a hidden agenda.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning something true about myself through asking questions and for not allowing myself to see and realize that this is because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self intimacy, because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience who I am through believing in and never questioning my own self judgements.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in an existence where I have feared to question me in what it is that I am doing here for fear of having to recognize and admit to me my own responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I ask a question of knowledge and information from another human being that I may possibly get a reaction from them also. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot get an answer to my question without getting a reaction, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an answer to my question will be used against me as a vehicle for reaction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have experienced situations where I have got reactions, that this is how it will always be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reactions because I have accepted and allowed myself to react always to reactions, therefore I forgive myself that in asking another human being a question that I fear my own reactions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will automatically accept another being’s judgements of me and define myself accordingly. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another being’s judgements of me represent an accurate reflection of the reality of who I am, because I have no awareness of who I am within me, because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look into and to investigate and to question who I am within this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking a question of another human being because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of myself as not knowing in my mind this point that I am asking.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior in not knowing and having to ask, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame of who I am according to my judgement of myself, and for fearing asking a question because I fear to experience the shame according to my self judgements.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from me within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind because I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my self direction to the direction of the systems of the mind to act for me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the seeming automatic nature of my mind possession and for not allowing myself to see that this has been exactly according to my own consent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask a question because in understanding the answer then I have accepted and allowed responsibility, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evade my own responsibility within not asking questions of another human being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another human being for ‘not telling me’, when really I am making sure that I am ‘not to blame’, and that the responsibility for me stays with them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by my mind and through this to have become completely vulnerable to my own self-judgements and I forgive myself that in accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of this I have accepted and allowed myself to project this judgement onto others around me in this world through which I have accepted and allowed myself to become vulnerable to the definitions apparently made on me by others that I see as coming into me through their words, the nature of their attention, the tonalities, the gestures, the total experience of their response to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality of not asking questions to protect myself from my own self judgement and to protect myself from my own awareness of my responsibility to myself, and to protect myself from fear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 continuing next post…

 

 

 

 

 

See this video:

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

the FREE DIP LITE Course now available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com

 

Day 176: Solitude 17

 

(This sequence of posts begins at Day 160)

 

The loner personality continued.

 

Imagination Dimension. The hope of specialness.

 

Walking along, being here in breath. While I physically walk, I stop now and then, just simply stop and stand, having realized that I have slipped back in to participation in the mind, again, being not here. I breathe again in the realization of patience in my breath with me, developing this change, supporting this realization of change ability.

 

In my walk-through of this loner personality I have come to the realization of how I have chained myself to what I interpreted with my mind, my possibility of specialness ‘for me’ within this personality/word of ‘solitude’, and seeing this as an opportunity have made in fear a commitment to not change, to not let go, to not move, to not have movement of me as me as a living being.

 

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that fear of change within who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as this personality has been fear of the loss of this opportunity for specialness for me.

 

Specialness

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘specialness’ to exist within me as me in my mind, and for not allowing myself to see and realize and understand that ‘specialness’ can only be the result of comparison and judgement, and therefore in accepting and allowing a desire for specialness to exist within me and as me, I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself as consciousness as the judgement of my mind, and have accepted and allowed a motivation as me towards the experience of positive energy as reward that I have given to and attached to ‘specialness’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that ‘specialness’ is an inherent design of consciousness as an expansion into superiority as an experience of more-energy through winning and competition, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my awareness from me that through accepting and allowing specialness to exist within me as me, and a desire to find and to define and to expand this specialness as me, that I have imposed a world-order of elitism in my external.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my desire for specialness, and for not seeing realizing and understanding that this specialness is in itself my judgement, so that in judging me in judgement I am in fact continuing to turn the wheel of consciousness within me and as me, and in judging me negatively in my acceptance and allowance for specialness to exist within me and as me, I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of myself within these wants, and so have acted to protect and hide the source of who I am as judgement, and the ways that I have chosen to individualize myself as consciousness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘specialness’ to exist within me and as me as a positive resource of energy, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed through this to create an opposite polarity in that which is ‘ordinary’ as a negative judgement, so that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook what is here before me in the physical in each moment of breath, and instead have accepted and allowed myself to look beyond in time or space towards something more as me.

 

 

I commit myself to withdraw from words the attachments that I have accepted and allowed as judgement and as energy in the realization that existing thus I have existed only in an energy dimension and have not lived as breath.

 

 

 continuing next post…

 

 

 

 

 

See this video:

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

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The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com

 

Day 175: Solitude 16

 

…Continued from previous posts

 The Loner. Thought Dimension revisited.

Solitude. Within the picture that I have become conscious of as a thought/memory that I attached to my experience of me as ‘solitude’, I now find another picture within this; of ‘a poetic figure’, which with the words comes up an image of a statue as a silhouette, meaning that it has an outline only and a dark interior.

In the absence of an awareness of myself in my beingness, I have looked upon this image in my mind and taken it to be a presentation of who I am and in so doing I have connected up my beingness to this and wired myself within this picture as who I am/will be within my mind as personality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by a thought within my mind, and I commit myself to remove the power from this picture that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a statue as an image in my mind, something that is fixed and petrified, something that stands as a memorial to some superior being that once had lived.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody as this personality a fixation of who I am/will be/and was, as if the core of me is as a memory that must not change, a memory of my own living life as something that once was.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let exist within my mind an image of myself as seen in retrospect, looked back on, and memorialized, elevated and revered.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to an image of myself as a memory from the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within accepting that I am defined by an energy experience in my mind.

 

 

Enigmatic: one of the qualities of ‘a poetic figure’.

Enigmatic. Meaning difficult to interpret or to understand. Mysterious.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist in me the desire to experience myself as an enigma, or as enigmatic in which I have accepted and allowed myself to combine desires for specialness with mysteriousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away my own awareness of the fact that I fear the experience of intimacy with who and what I am and thus for me my content is a darkness of suppression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to find a positive experience of myself by creating an air of mystery around the fact that I dare not face myself.

 

I commit myself to free my body from this frozen state of being within and as this personality.

 

 

 

I continue into this next post…

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

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Day 174: Solitude 15

 

Interesting that as I start to walk one of the fear/hope/imagination strands/pipes/feeds of this loner personality that suddenly I trip up on/in/as a socializing personality. I will have to look into and walk this one too, perhaps this is a polarity/aspect of the loner. As the socializing personality I become totally magnetized as this existence of ‘I’ as somehow vaguely lost/obstructed/ zombified within the immediate presence of other mind systems. And though I am learning how to breathe directly here, my breath becomes like a simulation, and ‘here’ has been as it were disengaged. Suspended life. In a suspension of a system of energized words, where the words themselves have been energized as systems in themselves and I am in and as a system of systems of energy where all the thoughts available within this personality for me to use are also words that I have energized. So in this situation, no way out of the matrix, only further in. And yet among the breaths there comes a long breath that is complete, and gradually I find a way back down. I am humbled to find myself so vulnerable to this, perched in a position of who I am as opinion and reaction attempting in some way to sell my ‘views’, rather than to simply be here with who I am as Self rather than who I am as a desteni-personality, or as other personality system design/patterns of this consciousness, not noticing how I am reacting as energy to the words, to my own words and to the words of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than embracing who I am as here within and as the physical steadfast with my breath, to have chosen instead when in the company of others to have become totally possessed/preoccupied with who I am as an energetic experience of myself.

 

I see and realize and understand that there is a way to go in this process walking through and out of consciousness as my personalities and I commit myself to walk this through however long it takes.

 

 

So continuing with…

 

The loner: another step (yay) into the imagination dimension in the development of this personality system.

 

A direct path or is it a pipe from the fear of the experience of inferiority as in being ‘looked down on’ through self judgement or through projection of self judgement – in which there is only the relationship of alone without self-intimacy as self victimization, a world of powerlessness through having given away the power into blame – into a new relationship with that fear – as ‘hope’, hope of being ‘looked up to’ as ‘something special’, ‘worthy’, and towards the experience of superiority in the imagination, and through that possibly being in a position of power to choose relationships. So, imaginary plans for a specialized heaven in direct opposite relationship to this fear through the movement of energy as hope. It is in these circumstances that arrived into my conscious mind, the word ‘solitude’, and the word ‘sublime’.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look into this picture in my mind of me sitting on a sea wall in ‘solitude’, and see this as ‘a poetic figure’. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attach to the word solitude images of ‘a poetic figure’, a ‘poetic life’, as a definition for myself to live.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the energy reactions that came up with the word of solitude within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within me to exist a desire to experience worthiness, which was something that I believed in my imagination that I could have through this ‘poetic figure’ in my mind that came to me through the word of ‘solitude’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this desire for worthiness came out of my reaction of fear towards an experience of myself that I had chosen for me through my own self judgement, in which I had defined myself as worthless and not worthy to be loved.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within me to exist a desire to experience superiority, which was something that I believed in my imagination that I could have through this ‘poetic figure’ in my mind that came to me through the word of ‘solitude’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this desire for superiority came out of my reaction of fear towards an experience of myself that I had chosen for me through my own self judgement, in which I had defined myself as inferior to others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within me to exist a desire to experience specialness, which was something that I believed in my imagination that I could have through this ‘poetic figure’ in my mind that came to me through the word of ‘solitude’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this desire for specialness came out of my reaction of fear towards an experience of myself that I had chosen for me through my own self judgement, in which I had defined myself as ‘ordinary’, and ‘talentless’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others as me as inferior in ordinariness and talentlessness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within me to exist a desire to experience fame, as recognition, which was something that I believed in my imagination that I could have through this ‘poetic figure’ in my mind that came to me through the word of ‘solitude’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this desire for recognition came out of my reaction of fear of self-intimacy because I had accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing myself as what I had defined myself to be within my own self-judgement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within me to exist the desires to experience worthiness, superiority, specialness, recognition, through a belief in my mind that this would amount to an experience of happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as a goal in my life my own experience of happiness according to my experience of myself in my imagination without regard or consideration for the lives of any others, or for the life of this world itself, and therefore in the realization of myself as one and equal to the physical and to all others as the physical as me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself and all as me by choosing to exist as an energy experience within my mind and my imagination that I have defined as happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a ‘solution’ for myself within the word ‘solitude’, in which I see a projection of myself as ‘a poetic figure’ as an experience of hope of happiness that is defined by and exists dependent on a wall of hidden and suppressed fears.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘solution’ for me within my own self interest as an energy awareness, as an experience of happiness-for-me in the creation of a personality that is designed around my own acceptance and allowance as ‘given’ and unchangeable and as who I am as fear.

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

the FREE DIP LITE Course now available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com