Day 177: Solitude 18
continued from last post: for Solitude 1 see Day 160
Fear dimension of the loner feeding into imagination dimension of ‘solitude’.
‘Not asking questions’, developing into ‘never speaking again’ both as protections from myself and others in which I blocked my self expression and trained myself into self isolation.
I have come to this point of Mystery (my unawareness of me, upgraded essentially into a deception of love and light) – that I came to cultivate within my imagination aspect of the loner, as solitude as the ‘poet’, in absolute control within my mind of superior words as my expression – this I will get to: and yet first, how I was responsible for my own already established experience of mystification is a question that I have not asked.
Marduk is recorded talking through the Portal in the Eqafe interview, Reptilians 71, about the greed that was manifested within us beings, way before our physical human history, the greed of only wanting to belong unto myself, in an existence of myself and myself only. How this desire for energy to expand into individualized self-interest was utilized in the mind system as personality creation is described in detail in the Quantum Mind series also. All of this is essential information for the purpose of supporting humanity within what is best for all, to turn around from within the illusion that we have accepted and allowed as ‘how it is’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that my responsibility towards myself as life as an existential being is to change my very beingness itself because I now see and realize and understand the essential evil of my beingness in how it has become imprinted with desire for more for me as defined within this greed for separation within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can create my own reality in spite of what is Here, so that I can satisfy this greed for separation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me a belief that I can create my own reality. Within this belief that I can create my own reality, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to make real the energies within myself by programming them into my physical body, according to my experience, so that I can make relationships to these as personalities.
So as I walk through my own personality creation of and as the loner, I recognize this same impulse of greed, arising in me in my first few days away from home and at a boarding school, and also I now see and realize and understand that in this situation I was for the first time in this life, surrounded by an entirely new group of beings, and I reacted to this situation by defining who I am as an outsider. I’ll get back to this.
Immediately, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a relationship to others as a ‘group’ with me as an outsider.
Unlike the dimensional history of our beingness as observed by Marduk, it was by no means out of ‘home’ as equality and oneness that I deliberately sought to separate myself, but more like I saw it as an opportunity to shed my plurality that I had been as my family system which was like the global culture, a shared experience of energy, essentially a system of blame and projection and transference of responsibilities to others, in which the who I am as me was somehow mixed and merged inextricably with others while keeping at the same time deliberately absent from my own awareness of myself.
Taking apart this brainwashing family cult experience has been and continues to be a realization that what I had once accepted as a ‘whole’, as ‘just the way it is’, has been in fact an amalgamation of specific and yet unquestioned beliefs, and rambling chains of instant decisions of ‘who I am to this’ and ‘who I am as this’ based on energy experiences.
The greed to realize myself into separation as an individual emerged when I arrived at school, along with having name-tags on my clothing, carefully sewn into place by my mother. In my imagination now, my thumb brushes over the stitching for a moment in this ‘my’ new life at this ‘my’ new school where I was in an environment in which I was required to carry a formal name that represented me, and me only. That the stitching was ‘careful’ was only evident in the sense that it was even and strong, and that it was a matter of fantasy about my mother’s attention on me for a moment, and her ‘care’ for ‘me’, seeing myself as far away from her, as she held my name straight in the collar of my shirt; these things I overlooked, I had absolutely no idea of her mood, her intention, her situation, or anything much at all of her actual reality as another being. Instead I was content with a belief about her care for me as represented in my mind by this stitching, a thread of care connecting me to her within my imagination. And the name-tag itself; a silky smooth white tape with the letters of my name in red, embroidered by machine in upper case – this to me like all the objects in my world, and thus me also, was instantaneous, magical, in the sense that it had no provenance, no connection to the physical reality, no physical time-line history, no cotton fields, no toxic chemical dye factories, no slave-labour camps, no millions of beings required to extract a single needle from the Earth – no, it was just the letters of these two words that was my name that attached me in my mind to this garment of my uniform, and to the imagined care of my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself within caring absolutely for myself by making an as if reality within my mind and my imagination an idea as a thought of being instead supported and cared for by my mother.
The sudden transplant of me from my home culture into the school culture was destined to cause in me massive conflict and friction. The blurred internal reality of me as an experience of emotion and feeling and judgement and blame could not fit in any way into the institution of a school, or into a group of established personalities, or into a system designed for the abstract learning of knowledge and information. Not realizing that I had missed a couple of years of prep school through being transferred from a state school to a public school, I judged myself as stupid, and accepted the judgements of others of me as stupid. I have looked into these points to certain extent so far in how I utilized this predisposition in myself in the founding of yet another personality as justification for giving up on me, as the not-good-enough character. See Day 26. I now see this not good enough self definition also as the perfect energetic ground from which to evolve through hope the more of me as better-than personality.
This point about mystification.
I keep finding these events existent in me as memories which I have not understood, like for example where a decision has been made for me by my parents, such as to send me to this school or else to that school, or by teachers, to send me to this class or to that class, and I have justified this lack of understanding within either a retrospective self definition of me as a ‘daydreamer’, or else in statements of blame, such as ‘I was not told’ – but bringing it back to me within these events, it was that ‘I did not ask’. And so the question arises of, who was I within not asking? Because I now see and realize that this experience of mystification around who I am in my early life has much to do with the simple fact that I did not ask the crucial questions, and hence crossed from one experience into another without any connection of understanding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I might possibly learn about myself if I was to question and get a response directly to me from another human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what I am saying or expressing with self judgements and risk assessments based on fear of exposure to me and to others of who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of the fact that I have a hidden agenda of getting energy for me by whatever means, and because of this fear and my acceptance of the reality of this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself directly but first to launder my words that I might express or speak by imagining it within my mind so that I can assure myself that I am safe within not being exposed in having a hidden agenda.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning something true about myself through asking questions and for not allowing myself to see and realize that this is because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self intimacy, because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience who I am through believing in and never questioning my own self judgements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in an existence where I have feared to question me in what it is that I am doing here for fear of having to recognize and admit to me my own responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I ask a question of knowledge and information from another human being that I may possibly get a reaction from them also. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot get an answer to my question without getting a reaction, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an answer to my question will be used against me as a vehicle for reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have experienced situations where I have got reactions, that this is how it will always be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reactions because I have accepted and allowed myself to react always to reactions, therefore I forgive myself that in asking another human being a question that I fear my own reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will automatically accept another being’s judgements of me and define myself accordingly. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another being’s judgements of me represent an accurate reflection of the reality of who I am, because I have no awareness of who I am within me, because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look into and to investigate and to question who I am within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking a question of another human being because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of myself as not knowing in my mind this point that I am asking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior in not knowing and having to ask, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame of who I am according to my judgement of myself, and for fearing asking a question because I fear to experience the shame according to my self judgements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from me within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind because I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my self direction to the direction of the systems of the mind to act for me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the seeming automatic nature of my mind possession and for not allowing myself to see that this has been exactly according to my own consent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask a question because in understanding the answer then I have accepted and allowed responsibility, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evade my own responsibility within not asking questions of another human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another human being for ‘not telling me’, when really I am making sure that I am ‘not to blame’, and that the responsibility for me stays with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by my mind and through this to have become completely vulnerable to my own self-judgements and I forgive myself that in accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of this I have accepted and allowed myself to project this judgement onto others around me in this world through which I have accepted and allowed myself to become vulnerable to the definitions apparently made on me by others that I see as coming into me through their words, the nature of their attention, the tonalities, the gestures, the total experience of their response to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality of not asking questions to protect myself from my own self judgement and to protect myself from my own awareness of my responsibility to myself, and to protect myself from fear.
continuing next post…
See this video:
Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook