Day 174: Solitude 15

 

Interesting that as I start to walk one of the fear/hope/imagination strands/pipes/feeds of this loner personality that suddenly I trip up on/in/as a socializing personality. I will have to look into and walk this one too, perhaps this is a polarity/aspect of the loner. As the socializing personality I become totally magnetized as this existence of ‘I’ as somehow vaguely lost/obstructed/ zombified within the immediate presence of other mind systems. And though I am learning how to breathe directly here, my breath becomes like a simulation, and ‘here’ has been as it were disengaged. Suspended life. In a suspension of a system of energized words, where the words themselves have been energized as systems in themselves and I am in and as a system of systems of energy where all the thoughts available within this personality for me to use are also words that I have energized. So in this situation, no way out of the matrix, only further in. And yet among the breaths there comes a long breath that is complete, and gradually I find a way back down. I am humbled to find myself so vulnerable to this, perched in a position of who I am as opinion and reaction attempting in some way to sell my ‘views’, rather than to simply be here with who I am as Self rather than who I am as a desteni-personality, or as other personality system design/patterns of this consciousness, not noticing how I am reacting as energy to the words, to my own words and to the words of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than embracing who I am as here within and as the physical steadfast with my breath, to have chosen instead when in the company of others to have become totally possessed/preoccupied with who I am as an energetic experience of myself.

 

I see and realize and understand that there is a way to go in this process walking through and out of consciousness as my personalities and I commit myself to walk this through however long it takes.

 

 

So continuing with…

 

The loner: another step (yay) into the imagination dimension in the development of this personality system.

 

A direct path or is it a pipe from the fear of the experience of inferiority as in being ‘looked down on’ through self judgement or through projection of self judgement – in which there is only the relationship of alone without self-intimacy as self victimization, a world of powerlessness through having given away the power into blame – into a new relationship with that fear – as ‘hope’, hope of being ‘looked up to’ as ‘something special’, ‘worthy’, and towards the experience of superiority in the imagination, and through that possibly being in a position of power to choose relationships. So, imaginary plans for a specialized heaven in direct opposite relationship to this fear through the movement of energy as hope. It is in these circumstances that arrived into my conscious mind, the word ‘solitude’, and the word ‘sublime’.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look into this picture in my mind of me sitting on a sea wall in ‘solitude’, and see this as ‘a poetic figure’. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attach to the word solitude images of ‘a poetic figure’, a ‘poetic life’, as a definition for myself to live.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the energy reactions that came up with the word of solitude within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within me to exist a desire to experience worthiness, which was something that I believed in my imagination that I could have through this ‘poetic figure’ in my mind that came to me through the word of ‘solitude’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this desire for worthiness came out of my reaction of fear towards an experience of myself that I had chosen for me through my own self judgement, in which I had defined myself as worthless and not worthy to be loved.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within me to exist a desire to experience superiority, which was something that I believed in my imagination that I could have through this ‘poetic figure’ in my mind that came to me through the word of ‘solitude’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this desire for superiority came out of my reaction of fear towards an experience of myself that I had chosen for me through my own self judgement, in which I had defined myself as inferior to others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within me to exist a desire to experience specialness, which was something that I believed in my imagination that I could have through this ‘poetic figure’ in my mind that came to me through the word of ‘solitude’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this desire for specialness came out of my reaction of fear towards an experience of myself that I had chosen for me through my own self judgement, in which I had defined myself as ‘ordinary’, and ‘talentless’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others as me as inferior in ordinariness and talentlessness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within me to exist a desire to experience fame, as recognition, which was something that I believed in my imagination that I could have through this ‘poetic figure’ in my mind that came to me through the word of ‘solitude’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this desire for recognition came out of my reaction of fear of self-intimacy because I had accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing myself as what I had defined myself to be within my own self-judgement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within me to exist the desires to experience worthiness, superiority, specialness, recognition, through a belief in my mind that this would amount to an experience of happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as a goal in my life my own experience of happiness according to my experience of myself in my imagination without regard or consideration for the lives of any others, or for the life of this world itself, and therefore in the realization of myself as one and equal to the physical and to all others as the physical as me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself and all as me by choosing to exist as an energy experience within my mind and my imagination that I have defined as happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a ‘solution’ for myself within the word ‘solitude’, in which I see a projection of myself as ‘a poetic figure’ as an experience of hope of happiness that is defined by and exists dependent on a wall of hidden and suppressed fears.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘solution’ for me within my own self interest as an energy awareness, as an experience of happiness-for-me in the creation of a personality that is designed around my own acceptance and allowance as ‘given’ and unchangeable and as who I am as fear.

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

the FREE DIP LITE Course now available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

Books Interviews Information Music Eqafe.com

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~ by adamsblogs on January 5, 2013.

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