Day 26: Becoming Notgoodenough

 

Day 26: Becoming Notgoodenough  (as rotten fruit, Heaven, Creation)

That memory of bicycles from the last blog; I took a closer look at it.

I was new at school, I had everything I needed, but I didn’t have a bicycle. The other boys had bicycles and used them all the time. I wrote to my father asking him to send some cash to the school. When I got the letter back, he wrote a paragraph of stuff which meant NO, and the last line of his letter was the one that got me, because, in my mind, this is what I read: “…how can we talk about getting a bike then?” I hooked into that line, to me it meant that my need to get a bicycle was something that had been dismissed, not worth talking about. Then something crashed inside, I was devastated by myself, none of it was real, I had taken in and misread a sentence and twisted it around within my mind as if it were the evidence of the reality that I was projecting. I squinted at these lines through my tears. In my mind I had my hand out but he was not going to throw that lifeline, for some mumbled reason. The fact that this was written on paper seemed like a confirmation of something that I had been only dimly aware of, the way that I had interpreted this sentence was as if it was irritated and terse and rhetorical, and so I received it like a slap in the face. I folded up the paper away from the gaze of those around me and went away before they could see my face. I went up to my bed and sat on it, got the letter out again, but nothing had changed, it was what it was, as I had made it to be. It seemed clear that it was so that ‘I am Notgoodenough’, the belief had been accepted and allowed and it was because of this that there would be no bicycle. My eyes returned to the window, and my thoughts turned to, ‘what now?’ And hope. Like what now in a world in which I am Notgoodenough? The physical reality would be that I would walk while others rode their bikes, but in my mind wherever I went I had become Notgoodenough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word good to positive energy in my mind, and as a ‘reward’ in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good according to a system in my mind as being this positive energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a system of energy, as Notgoodenough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret being Notgoodenough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot change because ‘I am Notgoodenough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energy rewards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek reward for myself through and as my own self definition of ‘I am Notgoodenough’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that living as this word I am living as self judgement

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that living as this word I am living in support of comparison of one life to another in the world in support of a world of conflict, competition and of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon who I am as life to live within and as an energetic system mind reality in support of all systems in spite of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words NOT, GOOD, AND ENOUGH together in a definition of myself of who I am as energy.

 

 

 

see: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life  blogs

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~ by adamsblogs on May 13, 2012.

2 Responses to “Day 26: Becoming Notgoodenough”

  1. […] developed out of my acceptance of being ‘Not Good Enough’, which I looked at in Day 25, and Day 26.  And arising out of  ‘I Can’t do it’, comes up ‘I Can’t Stop doing it’, and with […]

  2. […] in myself in the founding of yet another personality as justification for giving up on me, as the not-good-enough character. See Day 26. I now see this not good enough self definition also as the perfect energetic […]

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