Day 95: Internal Conversation
In the internal conversation that I hear is taking place, there are two characters. I have placed them so that they are in polarity, unequal, so that there is conflict. One is a character that I have given to a moreness, as authority, the other is a character that I have given to a lessness in my mind. The lessness character I am in competition with and have jealousy about and I make it that they have an intimate relationship. The authority of moreness I have given to the power of definition of who I am, the lessness character I have given to the power of persuasion and dispute of who I am. So this is the outline of the relationship between these two factions of my mind. This could fit my father and a sibling, or two friends, arranged as dominant and passive, or any two characters dressed up to look like beings I ‘know’, that are in debate or gossip as pro and anti in my mind. So of course the subject of the conversation is me. As the character of suspicion I would be eavesdropping on this conversation, while to represent myself, I have placed before the characters an expression of me, such as something that I said, a memory, or something that I’d done. And then there’s three. It’s like a Two-or-more-in-my-name design, out which conversation result agreement, ruling, a new definition of myself comes out. This is not a realization although it ‘feels’ like one, that is only how I would wish to interpret it, but it is a confirmation of something that I have already previously made ‘real’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this script of backchat in my mind, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that so often it is exactly the same script but slightly adjusted to suit the situation, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and to be directed through this consciousness system to act and to react according to the outcome of this internal conversation in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this instability of who I am, this fear of how I might appear to others, and this need to check up on myself as memories of who I am within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for approval of who I am so that I can then approve myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simulate this process of getting approval in the world so that I can approve of myself, by simulating interactions in the outside world through imaginary conversations in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have never actually considered or looked at closely the limitations of the outcomes of this conversation in my mind, in which I come off as either the winner or the loser character of some sort, both and all as pre-defined by me as unequal; either as special or as worthless, as right or as wrong, as liked or as not liked, as admired or as despised.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place myself as an expression of myself into a field of conflict in my mind, that I myself have set up and arranged and choreographed and scripted and believed and then walked into and have accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of and to be defined by and according to my fears and hopes that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and to forget were my own creation.
I commit myself to stop participating in these conversations in my mind in which I give them energy and permission to continue. I commit myself to investigate and to name the game that I have accepted and allowed within these conversations.
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