Day 94: Energy Recuperation Character
A character that I overlooked yesterday, an image of temptation towards positive experience within and as my mind described as (me) “engaged in a full on care-free recuperation.”
Engaged: to be occupied, to be in a relationship with, really in this context, to become voluntarily possessed by…
Full on: with absolute deliberation, giving all attention, me as energy, to…
Care-free: in this context, a complete absence of negative energy experience, such as anxiety, guilt
Recuperation: to recover illness or from over- exertion, of me as energy
Interesting how the word recuperation contains its own built in justification or excuse in that while using it I define myself as having been ill in the past in make-believe and so need now to convalesce, and rest up. Or perhaps the justification was that I had ‘over-exerted’ myself and therefore ‘needed’ to rest.
An image of this energy character is that one who lounges about, with having the feet up on something, and ‘laid-back’, reclining, with hands locked behind the head. This image of having the feet up, is one that I have physically explored, seeking out the content of positive experience that it seems to represent as ‘relaxation’, and yet I have not found it to be comfortable, and the same with the hands behind the head. And yet the symbolic impact of this image has been strong enough for me to retain it in my mind as the outline of this character, regardless of my actual physical experience in trying out these positions for myself.
In the media, this character would have their feet up on a desk, signifying a contempt for work, and hands locked behind the head as a head-rest would support this attitude by being not involved in doing work. In the media, this character at home would be portrayed as the ‘malingerer’ lounging in a sofa, drinking beer, watching the tv.
This character then is in the context of a negative evaluation of ‘work’, and seeks out positive experience in not doing or avoiding, ‘work’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a physical task which I have before me into an image in my mind that I have connected to a negative experience which I call ‘work’.
In this case the task before me was the task of facing me or standing to be faced by me in this process that is my decision and my commitment to do, and therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with faltering as my fear of failure character by accepting and allowing myself to call upon this ‘feet up’ character into my mind to undermine myself and to deliberately separate myself from my own commitment to myself to face myself and stand within and as my own decision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately call for this unreal character within and as my mind to justify myself as this fear of failure character to give up on the task before me and to instead to seduce myself to return into the mind to seek out positive energy experience in flouting my own responsibility to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not released this character that makes up a positive energy reward within the mind, and then moves towards it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a character that puts a finger up to ‘work’ when the actual work is changing who I am for me, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to matter very much to me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an unreal character that puts their feet up on this work in contempt of me and sits back in my mind to watch Mind TV.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within hesitating before a task I have to do, to then resort to measure, how much energy do I have?
So that then, surprise surprise, in finding that my energy reserves are low, I manipulate myself away from what I have to do by diverting me towards more energy, so that then, apparently, in the future, then I can do the task that I was going to do, because then I will ‘feel’ like it, because of this abundance of energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this tactic with myself to justify procrastination.
I commit myself to expose to me these character games I play and these games of energy addiction through which I ‘re-mind’ myself of the lie that my physical activity ‘depends upon my energy reserves’ and I use this lie to justify not doing things, such as this work of facing who I am and who I have become.
I commit myself to remove this ‘feet up’ character from my mind. I commit myself to remove this character that I have accepted and allowed as me in contempt of who I am. I commit myself to remove this mockery of life that I have accepted and allowed as me.
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