Day 34: The Question, and how in school I did not learn.

 

How in acceptance and allowance of definitions of me as shown to me by others that I came to validate myself through them and how through that, relationships became dangerous, and backchat conversation came to be a ‘must be heard’, like news flash after news flash in a war.

Emergency in the mind.

School; a teacher in the background, droning on and on about some information stuff. While me in this new world of groups and powers and hierarchies and alliances and underworlds and gossip attempt to draw the lines of how it works and who is me in this.

With me as only me to all relationships, and all relationships containing my validity or non-validity as me, as good enough or not, then all relationships I defined as dangerous as me within the hands of others, and these relationships that I made would require constant attention within distraction and preoccupation in my mind accepting and allowing regulation of the energy of me through shades of fear of loss of me in backchat daydreams float about adrift from me, through the window into a sky of hope and longing, or on a jotter, doodles round and round the endless cycles of the petals of a flower, or triangles that sprouted triangles, or letters made to look 3D.

The substance of this backchat as conversation dialogue, triangles of relationship of me to group or group to me or other to other in reference to me as mental gossip in my mind, and all as energy awareness of and as only energy as me, the fluctuating definitions of myself, according to conditions, sometimes expanding into positivity within a thought of being liked or shrinking negativity within a thought of being not liked, and in being not liked the fear of loss.

Some fears of asking questions came to me amongst the school rooms where I did not learn except the lessons of my mind to me as how to function in the world as simulated life machine for energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me within acceptance and allowance into fear of asking teacher questions, because it might have been something he just said while I was in a daydream thus I forgive myself for fearing exposing that I was not here, and within that fear of this exposure, I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of my definition of myself as valid within being ‘good’ in the eyes of the teacher, and through that get cut off from energy reward, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from validation as if that is not me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of ridicule and scorn from others if I ask the teacher questions, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ostracized by the group and fear of loss of validation and energy reward from amongst and as the group that I have defined as ‘knowing’ that which I separately did not ‘know’. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of loss because I have separated me from validation that is me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish me that I have been in a daydream in which I compare myself to the others and judge myself that there must be something wrong with me. Within this judgement of myself by me I forgive myself that I have lived in shame of me as having something wrong with me, and for seeking to disguise this wrongness that I cannot actually see identify or put a shape to, so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a personality of quietness that does not expose in any way as a strategy of retaining my validity according to the group.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear being wrong, in which I fear my thinking to be wrong, in which I fear exposing the wrongness for which I have judged myself and allowed it that I am ashamed of that is me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear exposing that I have not understood a previous lesson, or that I did not read a book. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate entirely from practical common sense that in a school I am seeking to disguise my lack of understanding.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear that if I get a good response in which I feel the teacher likes me, then I will raise the spite of the group against me in being ‘special’ or being ‘good’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking teacher a question in which I fear the experience of this triangle as the teacher, the group, and me, in which regardless of what I ask, I believe the result will be that I will experience the spite of the teacher or the spite of the group, or both.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of spite in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be effected in myself by the spite of others because I have accepted spite as dangerous and disastrous to the continued validation of myself by others, through which as backchat and through relationship of me to others I get reward of energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that if the question that I am asking teacher becomes secondary to the fact of me asking it then what I am asking for is in fact validation of who I am, which is impossible and exposes me on my self-dishonest foundations. Therefore I forgive myself in this situation that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of my self dishonesty in asking of an other directly for the validation which I have been unwilling to give myself. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a relationship of reaction as fear to myself as self dishonest, rather than to simply stand up within myself and stop.

 

 

 

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life  blogs

Desteni.org

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~ by adamsblogs on May 21, 2012.

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