Day 157: Part of a Mind Construct: The Death of My Father
I share this memory here to show how it was on a day when I was 17, that I made a decision which would shape my life, which was a decision that my life would be about gratifying my self interest now rather than postponing it till later.
This is a part of a Mind Construct that I have been working on in the Desteni I Process. From the many points that I have raised within this memory, I shall be writing out a physical timeline of events, and from there, Self Forgiveness Statements and Self Corrections.
The day my father died, I realize now, was the first time that I had considered his existence, that is, apart from me, not in relationship to me. The opportunity of a substantial relationship had now suddenly disappeared. So for the first time, in this too-lateness scenario, I asked myself who he actually was, what had his life amounted to, was there some way in which I could summarize his existence. There was a need in me to define the energy that he represented, but at the same time there was this insight that he was in fact and in physical reality another being living within his acceptance of his own wants needs and desires to fulfill.
Within who I was as my personal experience of myself I could not disentangle him from my self-judgements and my anger, guilt, disgust, embarrassment, shame, so that in his presence, all that I could feel were these negative experiences of myself which I could not bear to be responsible within, and so I blamed them all on him, and so accordingly I did not like to have him round me, and I did not hang around with him.
So when he died, I suddenly experienced this illusion in which all of my suppressions had evaporated like magic and I felt exhilaration and from the depths of my body, I laughed out loud.
It wasn’t for a while that my conscience as self-judgement turned around against me with hey isn’t that the most evil thing on Earth to be laughing at, the death of one’s own father? And still entangled as I was with him, I could not see or realize that this exhilaration was entirely in relation to my self oppression, and that he my father the being was not even in the equation and never had been. And so I felt forced to admit that yes, this was a most evil deed on Earth, and absolutely unacceptable, and therefore I will hide this part of me away in case it’s seen by anyone.
So, having condemned myself as absolutely as I could imagine, for the benefit of my image in the world, I walked into a future that was both secretly unhampered and exciting, and secretly damned, and I could not find any grief for this being of my father, but only absolute regret for who I was. And when I took moments to consider my crime in this new context of the reality of my father’s separate life from me, I considered it his tragedy that he should have a son that felt this way.
And considering this tragedy I looked upon his wants and needs and his desires that were unfulfilled and saw the tragic life of one who had postponed the writing of his book, which was his secret dream, till last, which would never happen now because his death had turned up early.
And I remembered how he’d once announced it in a speech made to the family; it was his great regret he’d said, that through all the generations of his family there had been journalists, and he was disappointed that this line would not continue. I felt his disappointment, it seemed like this was the end of his glory as a succession of generations. At the time I thought: “But I too am generated from him, but he does not look at me. Therefore he is disappointed in me that I am not good enough to fulfill his desires”.
But considering all of this in the light of his death and my recent condemnation of myself, a solution seemed to present itself to me: “Through this offense, I am now in debt to my father, it’s like I owe him something to make it all work out for him. I will honour his life that I have overlooked, and redeem myself at the same time, I will prove my worth in his eyes by finishing what he started.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that the essence of this decision was to fulfill my wants needs and desires according to my self interest now and not postpone till later; somehow I had found a way to justify myself through honour and redemption, aspects of this ‘good’ repentive personality that had condemned me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that from this starting-point of fear of what I am that I have placed my allegiance into line with the principles of consciousness and energy that is not life.
This decision on the day of the death of my father had far reaching consequences. I see and realize and understand that these consequences do not stop here, and that the ripples cannot in fact be stopped, but the action that I can take which is my responsibility to take having seen and understood what I have done, is to change myself as ‘who I am’ in this myriad of relationships that I have accepted and allowed and shown myself within this memory and mass of self judgements and self definitions and thoughts, because all of it consists of ‘who I am’ as energy, and therefore as self interest, that leads into this cumulative deliberate decision of a life of self interest, which is not a life at all but an energy experience, and is in fact in spite of life and the physical reality that is here.
So from these memories I will extract the specific decisions of who I am that I have made and in my self-forgiveness walk myself from energy and in correction realign myself with actual life within the principle of What is Best For All.
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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