photograph: a horse walks into the yard, Desteni Farm
Day 226: Poor Little ME
Walking through Self Pity continued
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as self interest in ME defined as relationships of energy within my mind as systems of self judgement and self pity and I commit myself to walk through this points with writing and self forgiveness and self correction through understanding these patterns that I have created so that I may walk myself from consciousness as energy and into actual awareness in this physical reality.
An internalized family drama:
“Poor little me, my self judgement is getting sooo bad, I seem to live in constant torment, I do my self forgiveness but every thought just gets torn to shreds, all dimensions of myself like opportunities to self-inferiorize – and it’s just sooo bad and I don’t know what to do, and poor little me…”
Here the self pity talks with the intention of arousing sympathy and the possibility of someone doing or saying something to ‘help’ – not a direct ‘help me’ request – it is more manipulative – it’s like if I can show you how victimized I am, then maybe I can have excuses made for me, given to me, support in justifying myself as this… and maybe along the way build up an image of myself as somehow rather heroic in trying sooo hard against such infinitely narrow odds, so that I can dignify my victimhood and at the same time make it real.
… and the self judgement says, ah there there, poor little you, you really are sooo pathetic, I don’t want to have anything to do with you, you are just not good enough, I am disappointed in you, pull your socks up, be a man, grow up will you…
And so the self judgement mimics the self pity in mocking tones of sarcasm.
Here is a general flavor of the internal conversation, both as a distorted echo of family relationships, (and also and maybe more so, cartoon, media, soap, film, tv, literature, mythology and other sources of off-the-peg personality suits, scripts, scriptures, programs and programmings) and as internal energy relationships that I have accepted and allowed as a system in my mind – with the masculine judgement and expectation disappointment modelled on the father, and the sympathetic protection and support modelled on the mother, that is at the same time protective and dis-empowering –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in responsibility as being a threat, and that through this I have accepted and allowed myself to structure my mind with different aspects of blame for how I have become. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father and my mother, and to confuse the actual living beings with memories that in reality are configurations of energy in my mind.
This appeal for sympathy in literally ‘being’ pathetic is a manipulation attempt to get someone to side with me in arguing for my limitations, it is like pulling someone into a conspiracy to support me in self sabotage. Here I stop for a moment, because the self judgement would like to extend these sentences about me, based on how wicked and evil I am. And so I breathe. The self judgement has had a long history of dominance in my mind, to speak for me, as me, through me, largely I see now, as an initiator of self pity, which then in turn would speak for me as me, in a dwindling world of disempowerment, which is like a basic experience of myself that I have chosen to live, that I have chosen as a themic background, and realizing that this choice has been mine, then obviously I can also choose to stop this. And hence I learn now to take the power back to me that once I gave to this self judgement, that given the power, would ensure my victimhood, and would prolong my relationship to self responsibility as it being a threat, rather than as who I am, this opportunity to live.
Seeing and realizing and understanding that the disempowerment and constant weakening process that I have accepted and allowed for the sake of staying within and as self pity, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that it is also this state in which my actual real strength must remain a guarded secret, even from myself, because my justification for the giving up and giving in to the self pity is founded on my apparent, or postured strengthlessness, symbolized by ‘poor’,’little’,’me’, and that appeals for sympathy are appeals for support and recognition of this strengthlessness to bolster up its required reality within this system as me. Therefore also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see this function that I have allotted to self judgement, to stand as a guardian of the secret of my actual strength from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize self judgement as a means of disguising and distorting words to prevent myself from investigating what it is I actually live – within and as the words themselves – where attaching negative energies to words through judgements – I have allowed myself to go into reactions with the words – such as here specifically – the word ‘manipulation’, with which I have accepted and allowed myself to judge manipulation negatively, thereby suppressing any insight into me as the manipulator – of myself as experience of energy, and of others in their experience of energy, and of others in relationship of energy to me – because in consequence, it is something that I have accepted and allowed myself, through this judgement, to fear to see – and through this charging of this word, I have accepted and allowed myself to effectively block my understanding of myself and to block my opportunity to find a solution to what is going on in the apparent dramas or tempests of energy in my mind, or how it is that ultimately within it all I stand responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I have resorted to manipulation of energy such as this quest for sympathy in this apparent victimhood of self pity, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned into an accumulation of disempowering experiences especially under the impact of intense self judgements where I have come to believe in and experience myself as strengthless.
Heaven’s Journey to Life: Once upon a time, there was a Thought, Awareness and a Water Drop…(Part Three): DAY 472 |…
Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 518: Why Are we Here on Earth? Sexuality and Kundalini – Part 5
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.